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#1
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So I sent my T a break-up e-mail this morning simply saying I wasn't returning. But then I felt there was so much more that should be said, so I wrote it out. It is long, so I understand if it doesn't get read. The real important stuff related to my b**** thread is in the first few and last few paragraphs.
I feel like I have been trying, over these last few sessions, to figure out how we can continue to work together post the not special revelation. In a lot of ways, it feels like starting over. I was forced to see you in a new light, as well as myself. Knowing that I would never be special to you, that you didn’t like me enough, that you would never love me was/is very painful. It makes me very angry. It makes me completely question myself and my world view. Yet, I agree that it is something I need to get beyond, to process better. I need to get out of that cycle, to be able to accept the care that people do have for me. Because, when it comes down to it, and I am completely honest with myself, I know I have an amazing family (and by that I mean parents and extended family) who would do almost anything for me. From being on my forum, I know that I could have it a lot worse. But I do not understand their caring, just as I do not understand yours. I thought yesterday that I was trying to figure out a piece of the puzzle. You are right that the reasons I care for people now can tend to be self-serving…out of a need for people to like me. But then there are my family and friends from childhood who I must genuinely care about or else I would not get so upset at the prospect of them dying. But I cannot really pinpoint that caring beyond that. I just feel like if I understand what caring means to other people that I can try to understand my own or learn how to care in a more healthy way. You are really the only one I could try to explore this with, to understand what caring generally means, to try to accept that I will not be the most special. I thought that was what I was trying to do yesterday. At the same time, I am trying to figure out what aspects of my personality that derive from this specialness need are good and bad for me. Just like you said that you like blue and greens instead of pinks and reds. And you are okay with that. I am trying to figure out which part of my personality and behaviors I am okay with. I thought I was trying to get at that yesterday because one thing that I think I like and might not want to change about myself is how much relationships mean to me. There is something to be said for me being able to trust more generally in order to have a healthier life. But I do not think that the value I put on the real relationships that I do make is wrong. I think it might be something I like about myself and would want to maintain. But then I run into situations where I care much more than the other person. Like in therapy and probably with some of my friends. Maybe learning to get beyond the needing to be special will naturally ease some of the intensity I feel about the relationships. Maybe I will be able to be more casual, but I don’t think I want to lose the all of the seriousness and loyalty with which I approach relationships. That wouldn’t feel right. So I have been trying to figure out how/if to re-adjust my expectations/approach to therapy. I feel like I have to understand the core foundation of the relationship. I feel like everything I was trying to talk about yesterday is absolutely more important right now. That is what’s work right now. It has only been 3 or 4 sessions since the not special talk. If I were to bring up school or food, I would have been avoiding what was important in my mind, what was in the forefront of therapy at the moment. Because I think you are right that learning to accept other people might help me better accept myself. Less self-hate might naturally help with the food. So, yes, that feels most important. It is possible that the way I am going about trying to figure all of this out is avoidant or just an excuse for easy therapy. That is not how it feels to me, but it would not shock me if that were the case. And if that is the case, can you help me find a more productive way to sort this out? Because I do firmly believe it is the most important thing right now. I think understanding you and how I relate to you in therapy will help me understand myself more and the other people in my life. People in the world probably tend to be more like you than they are like me. Not that there is anything inherently wrong with me. Like that video I sent you. I showed it to someone else recently because I thought it would help them. They didn’t understand it. They said it was just dancing. I couldn’t understand how someone could miss that majesty in that video, but it was a real eye opener into how fundamentally different people can be from one another. I got the impression your reaction to the video was more in line with just dancing than majesty. So when I am asking you about the caring you feel toward clients/me, it’s because I genuinely don’t understand. It feels as if we’re sitting down to talk every session but you’re speaking Latin which is a language I do not know. And I’m not sure it can be taught to me by each of us just forging ahead speaking our own language. I am trying to find the dictionary for some guidance. I want to be able to work with you. I think you are committed to helping me, and I am invested in the process. Despite my grumblings, I have always thought that you were a great therapist. But what I am growing concerned about is that you may not be a great therapist for me. I do not want my desire for you to love me/think me most special to keep me locked into coming back to a potentially non-therapeutic situation. I do not want to run away from therapy or hard work. I do not want that to be the reason I quit. And I don’t think it would be in this instance. After talking to some people, I feel more confident that some of my concerns are completely fair and sane. I feel that I shouldn’t be made to feel bad or odd to want to be special to you. Yes, it isn’t possible or healthy, but I feel it is not to be unexpected. I feel like the fact that I am the only one to talk of leaving because of your supportive style should not be used to imply that my concerns are strange or unfounded. I think the fact that I am so utterly confused as to what the right decision is, to my true rationale, is a sign that something is not right. I do not think what happened yesterday is appropriate. I understand not coddling me, but your reaction felt out of line. Wouldn’t it have been more supportive to ask me if I thought I was avoiding real issues instead of going on the offensive? I don’t know if we can continue to work together. I sent an e-mail to terminate because my desire for you to like me always draws me back in even as I wonder whether we are in a healthy dynamic. I felt hostility from you yesterday, and I hated you back ten-fold. The fact that you don’t care whether or not I hate you makes me hate you all the more. And of course, yes, it’s also probably because I hate myself. I don’t want to throw away 2.5 years of work willy-nilly, and I don’t think I am necessarily. If it ended now, I do not believe it would be completely due to me. Do you see any way forward and through this? I am not sure that I do. Do you see it as something we both have to work on or as just something I need to change? |
![]() adel34, Dreamy01, learning1, rainbow8, Syra, WePow
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![]() BonnieJean, rainbow8
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#2
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Okay, this is a great letter of course. Very honest and from the heart. I'm a little unclear - have you sent this already?
If not, before you do, I would have in my mind what kind of response that you want your therapist to provide to it. What, exactly do you want to get out sending it? What would make it safer for you to continue with her versus not? You do sound pretty confused and upset, what, in her response could help you to feel less so? If you know, then I would likely include that in the letter. Specific points where she can help to move foreward. Good luck.
__________________
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![]() Fixated
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#3
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Quote:
I would like those answers to be yes. But she has said time and again that she doesn't feel like she has to apologize for who she is. And I do think I need to work on accepting her/other people as they are because I can't change them. But I think I have little doubt that some of her behavior recently is not therapeutic. I would like an acknowledgement that I'm not crazy. She has said that she would try to be more supportive, but as evidenced by Friday, it's not happening. Or our ideas of that are just so far apart that it is impossible to continue. |
#4
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Fixated. To work closely with and be vulnerable with someone for 2.5 years and for you to feel not liked or special to them must be horrible. I totally understand how you're feeling about that. And i think for me that might even be a deal-breaker. It's not that you're asking to be her most favourite person in the whole world, but it would be nice to feel valued, that she enjoyed working with you, she liked to see you and looked forward to your appointments, that maybe there was an affection or fondness there. I don't think that is too much to ask.
__________________
INFP Introvert(67%) iNtuitive(50%) iNtuitive Feeling(75%) Perceiving(44)% |
![]() Fixated, ~EnlightenMe~
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#5
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Quote:
We have since clarified some things. She cares about her clients, cares about me, but I am trying to understand exactly what that means. It does not sound as if it is the same way that other peoples' Ts mean. Like she said that a T being warm and fuzzy can also lead to problems because it might cause misunderstanding where the patient thinks they are special. I get the sense that she draws the lines in a different place than some other Ts I've heard of. |
![]() WePow
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#6
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>> It is possible that the way I am going about trying to figure all of this out is avoidant or just an excuse for easy therapy.
Very doubtful to me, Fix. your letter shows that you have tried to, & are continuing to, look at all angles of this, including the ones that are not easy, & not trying to avoid the hard parts. I see in your letter a sincere desire to continue, if she will. I really hope that you get a great response to a what I think is a great letter. ![]() ![]() ![]() |
![]() Fixated
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#7
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Quote:
I am just starting to doubt myself more and more as the hours tick on. |
![]() sittingatwatersedge
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#8
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Fix I know how it is. me too.
hang on there. Emotional states come and go; when they go, try to remind yourself of the gains you've made with T, and see if you can gather some strength. Tell ya what, if you come with me, I'll come along with you. |
![]() Fixated
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#9
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Hey. It's not a matter of life and death to jump to a new T. It just feels like it, unfortunately. .The decIsIon doesnt have to be absolutely right or wrong. Can it be, really? You have probably already had enough of adventure, but maybe you need someone who is more adventurous in their work, instead of you trying to drag them kicking and screaming to keep up with you. Part of your job is to recognize that they are holding you back. I think this is a bad part of t, but I think it's at the ends of the bell curve. If you jump to a new bell curve where you're in the middle...
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![]() Fixated
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#10
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I thought your letter was outstanding. Very well thought out and reasonable. My xT had similar boundaries. I wanted and needed too much from him and ultimately, to him, the situation was untenable. He ended therapy because I couldn't. I hope it works out better for you. It sounds like you'll be OK if she doesn't respond the way you hope. Am I wrong?
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![]() Fixated, sittingatwatersedge
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#11
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Quote:
I agree that it MIGHT cause misunderstanding. But misunderstandings can be discussed and resolved. Not being warm and fuzzy sounds to me like parents who think it's better to let the infant "cry it out" rather than comfort them so they can trust someone is there. Or day cares who won't let teachers hug the children for fear of allegations (or perhaps even inappropriate activity by some employees). That ignores that there are other ways to guard against the dangers (which are real) without ignoring the needs and paths for growth and healing. It sounds like a "professional justification" for issues she has. |
![]() CantExplain, Fixated
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#12
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I relate to quite a few things in your letter and I think you got your point across clearly.
My ruptures started off with my T seeming to misinterpret me and then she got really angry. I don't know if it's possible to work though it, because we really haven't yet. I think I've spent months working so hard and trying to get her to come back to me, as the person who once helped so much, as the supportive and understanding person that I genuinely cared about. Ever since she started getting frustrated with me, it's like it's so present. She's patient, then suddenly frustrated again. It's been the worst series of up and downs. I've had to go through so many awful sessions in an effort to try to repair the damage. She has been willing to work with me on it, though at times she's told me my grief over how much she doesn't care is pointless because I don't take into account how much she does care (actually I do). Or she's told me the relationship is clearly too toxic and I should see someone else or at least stop seeing her. Whatever happens...I hope it goes far more smoothly for you. It's such a hard thing to work through and it REALLY doesn't help if the T isn't really understanding or hearing what is going wrong or not working, or if they're misinterpreting what we do, or bringing up irrelevant things like comparisons to other clients. Geez T's really, our lives are hard enough! I too have just written a long letter to my T (but am not brave enough to post it here). I don't think T will want to read it as I'm going over things that happened that I've already talked about. She wants me to be able to let go of it all, but since more bad stuff has continued to happen, that's just not possible. I want her to be able to step back and read about my experience, rather than argue for me to understand hers. |
![]() Syra
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![]() Fixated
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#13
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Quote:
__________________
Mr Ambassador, alias Ancient Plax, alias Captain Therapy, alias Big Poppa, alias Secret Spy, etc. Add that to your tattoo, Baby! |
#14
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Quote:
__________________
Mr Ambassador, alias Ancient Plax, alias Captain Therapy, alias Big Poppa, alias Secret Spy, etc. Add that to your tattoo, Baby! |
#15
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I though so, but I don't know now. I just want her to love me. Or I love her. (Not in a romantic way). I'm not sure anymore, but that is what I am feeling at this moment.
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![]() rainbow8
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#16
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I thought your letter was excellent. I hope you get the response you want from your T. I know how it is to want to be special to your T, and want her to love you. I want the same from my T, but I've come to realize that she is not going to love me, and I am going to be special, but just as special as her other clients, not more so. Still, she says she cares about me very much, and shows that she does in many ways.
It hurts to not get what we want from our Ts. It's a fine line between them giving us what we need, not want, and us feeling that it's "good enough". You've been with your T a long time. It could be worth continuing, or it could be that you'd be better with a different T. Whatever happens, I wish you luck! |
![]() Fixated
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