Adventures in somatic countertransference

Anyone experienced this? I've just spent most of my session talking about it, and thought it was interesting, apologies if it's not!

My T often yawns in therapy. Not because he's bored (he has told me he's not, though he says I need to allow him to be someone who can be bored). I have hypersomnia, which may have developed due to PTSD, and am on medication for it now. But I'm talking about times when I didn't have medication and felt very sleepy, or escaped by going to sleep. And I feel wide awake, but my T often yawns.

And the really weird thing is: I never catch it. Normally, if someone yawns, or I see a picture of yawning, or I think about yawning, I'll yawn. I just yawned while typing this sentence. But when my T yawns, I don't.

I found something online about how yawning and sleepiness are common forms of somatic countertransference. It's not necessarily a sign that they're bored or don't care.

Something else that's weird: my T said that, when I cry, he sometimes feels like I'm repelling him. Sometimes he feels like he wants to give me a hug, but sometimes he feels repelled, ie pushed away. (He's got me to a place where I can say: "How odd, why do you think that is?" rather than "Oh my goodness, you hate me.") He said you'd think he'd have the urge to hug me every time.

I'm now wondering if it's because I feel repulsive when I cry, to the extent that I'm giving out unconscious signals that repel him. And I thought about what he said, about how you'd think he would always want to hug me, because the thing is: I wouldn't think that, at all. I'd expect him to be repelled. I don't always feel like I want to hug people when they cry.

What makes me not want to hug them? When they remind me of me. Or qualities in myself that I've tried to eliminate, such as being excessively needy or self-rejecting. That's how much I'm repelled by the idea of myself crying.

I guess I'm just amazed at the strength of the unconscious signals I'm apparently giving out.

Interesting. My t said she's felt like I am repelling her sometimes when I cry. I didn't know what to make of that.

What else did u learn about somatic counter-transference? I've never heard of that before.

This is a really interesting idea and a really interesting post.

My version of this is that sometimes my neck will suddenly start aching or seize up in a spasm. I sometimes grab it and I know that my T notices. Once, he asked me if it had been hurting me during the session and he said that he had felt it too, in his own neck, and described the spot and the nature of the pain exactly. He said it was a kind of a gift to be able to experience that with someone, and he also literally let it go to show me that he could do that too.

But I think that the idea that we give off nonverbal communication that we are largely unaware of is very interesting. I am sometimes dumbfounded by how unclear other people can find me even when I think I am being crystal clear. This has happened in T, too, and it has reminded me how much responsibility there is in ensuring that I communicate and clarify whenever there is a need too. It is odd to be caught off guard, as in, "whatever made you think I wanted x, y, or z?", but when I think back on it, it makes sense how ambiguous I actually was.

Thanks for raising this issue.

This sounds like when my t says to me, ah you sound like your mother! And the next thought in his head is, get away from me. It's complicated. Kudos to you for seeing it for what it is, and not taking it personally. But basically, t is getting the message I am mimicking from my mother, the message I heard from my mother and now THINK I am expressing differently, but if that expression is difficult for me, it probably sounds more like her than like what I really wanted to say. My benchmark question to t is, whenever he gets on a plane, to ask him if he's going to stop by my apartment on the way home. He claims the first time I said it, it sounded like a demand. I think he's nuts!!

If I express verbally ( or hide psychically pain) ..my T for instance will lump or hold his back after I get up to pay. That´s soooo weird ( when I haven´t told him)

Glad others have found it interesting. I've been thinking about it some more and realised that my cat avoids me when I feel repulsive. Whereas, when I feel like I can seek comfort, e.g. when I've phoned the Samaritans (crisis helpline) which I sometimes do, he always comes and curls up with me.

My T has told me I'm insecurely attached to my parents. I believe this starts in infancy and is something to do with how your parents respond to you, e.g. if you cry.

I've emailed my T asking if he felt repelled when I briefly cried today, as I know how my cat behaved when I got home, and he doesn't, so it would be interesting to compare. I told him I think I'm having emotional flashbacks, experiencing echoes of old feelings or finding myself sitting in places where I used to feel safe (against doors, on the bathroom floor) staring into space.

I used to think I was worthless and that nobody cared about me. I don't think that now, most of the time. So, if he feels repelled, I think it might tell him something important about how I am - or rather when I am.

Oh, and here's a link. I found it by searching online for info about therapists yawning, as I got really curious after he told me he hadn't been bored (which I had assumed was why he yawned). It's Wiki so take it with a pinch of salt, but I found it interesting.

Body-centred countertransference - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

This happens with my T all the time. When I need to say something but won't, she'll often start coughing uncontrollably. She says it feels like something is stuck in her throat so she'll ask me "what are you not saying?". When I say it she stops coughing. So interesting!

I think I also give out more conscious, physical signals without noticing. One day my T asked me a question about my dad. I said I didn't know. He asked if I'd ever be able to ask him. According to him, my whole body tensed up when he said that, but I didn't notice.