Couch 43 ... 1 year !! Thanks for the memories

I feel so silent today, not unlike most days I suppose.

For a while, in group T, I was very involved - very vocal - people were glad that I came out of my shell. For the last month or so, I've been silent again. I know people hate it, but I can't seem to make stuff come up for me. I sit there, empty. ACK.

I hope tonight won't be that way. I hate the disappointing feeling I have afterwards. At the same time, I feel so unwell at the moment. BUT, I just ate (no wiki points for me - Easy Mac. Yum!) and took some medication for my headache....so hopefully, I'll regain some energy soon.

A hot shower might help that too....which I'm about to do right now....

Having trouble shaking this headache still. The chiropractor is out of town and I don't like to let people touch me in general, and my neck in particular, if I don't know them. I took medication for the neck and headache last night, and I'm exhausted today. Don't know if it's a drug hang-over or just fatigue from the constant pain.

On a happier note, a bunch of our clients suddenly paid us. I really got a lot of work done yesterday. I'm joining this fitness challenge through a local gym and the woman who I signed up with is a woman I used to be really close to (before she decided to go off her meds at one point and it turns out she is vicious off her meds ). She has apologized for her behavior before and has promised she is back on her meds and will not go off again and asked if I could forgive her. So, we've been talking more, I signed up for the fitness thing with her, and we'll see how it goes. She mentioned that she had noticed how uncomfortable I am with other women touching me much, or changing around other women, and she got permission for me to take my own "before" photo, and upload it myself into my own private file so no one else has to touch me or be with me or see it. Really pleased about that, but also a little queasy that I was have somehow 'revealed' myself enough that she knows that about me without me saying anything.

I can soooo relate to this, MKAC. I, too, am not comfortable with touch - especially my neck. And, of course, my neck is the primary contributor to my migraines due to multiple herniations. I can understand feeling vulnerable disclosing that kind of stuff to people...I am still not at a place where I can feel ok about disclosing personal things to people.

Luckily, the doctors that I see are very respectful about it. I now have no reaction to my neurologist touching my neck - which is huge progress for me. AND, I was ALMOST ok with the massage T....but then I stopped going. *sigh*

That's great that you signed up for that challenge AND got paid by a bunch of clients. WOO HOO!!!

About that woman....I hope it continues on a good note, but I'd imagine feeling quite cautious about it.

My daughter came home yesterday with a packet. The packet contained individual letters written to me by each of the students in her Language Arts class, thanking me for reading a book to their class, doing a project with them and handing out homemade chocolate pretzel rods.

I was SO touched by the letters, I almost cried. They seemed genuinely appreciative. I imagined that 6th graders near the end of the school day would be sarcastic and disinterested...but instead, they participated and had lots of fun...as did I!

Some of the comments were so thoughtful - saying I'd be a great teacher....how cool it was that I chose a project that went along with the theme of the book...how they were the only class that had a parent do a project and bring treats, so they felt lucky....and everyone raved about the chocolate pretzel rods. LOL.

My daughter was beaming. She was so proud.

i am still feeling so freaked out by the last session i don't know if i can go this week. at best ill sit there and say nothing.
i just feel so disgusting. like she has figured out this horrible ,vile ,person that i am hiding. i am struggling with the fact that i am so like that horror of a human that calls herself my mother and that is what my T sees in me.

Happy anniversary baby, got you on my mind!

A day late and a dollar short.

Will be back and hanging out after the m

So glad you made it to check in, Wikid! Have your ears been burning with us talking about how much we miss you?

Hi couch friends!
Brought my iTouch to work so I can access the public wifi here.
My anxiety is through the roof today. Numb lips. That's my warning sign that it's bad. I know I should call t and see if I can get an earlier appointment but she's part of the issue right now. I hate that the person I trust is part of the problem this time.

Hi Wiki!!!!!!!

hey my girl. i hope all that packing and all is going as stress free as it can with little help from the mother. thanks for checking in

is it 5 yet so i can bring out the vodka. this T thing is freaking me out .i know they are going to call in the next few hours

Yum, yum, yum.. Dinner smells good!! Homemade Chicken and rice soup in the crockpot!!! I hope the kids eat it!!

I hear ya, granite. I hope you can find a way to share what you're feeling and experiencing with her. It will help you get through the hurdle, cuz where you are right now I'd imagine feels pretty awful.

I remember T mentioning something about not "owning my manipulation" when some people in group T would relate me to their evil mothers....and that set me off....because it triggered me being compared to my former friend who tried to run me over - and being compared to these evil mothers.

T explained that we all manipulate, and the word has a very negative connotation to it when it really isn't negative. It's what we do to get our needs met - sometimes we are aware of it, sometimes we aren't. Being direct about getting our needs met is just as manipulative - but being indirect comes off as "manipulative" in the negative sense.

T said that I have had a heck of a time trying to figure out what I need....and when I do figure out what I need, I struggle with figuring out whether or not I'm entitled to it....and if I'm entitled to it, how to express it and then negotiate for it. It's a huge process....and when one is not used to recognizing their own needs or feeling shameful for even having needs, the process is frustrating because so much is beyond my awareness. And then, there's the idea that I wouldn't want anybody meeting my needs, because how will they hold it against me later? Why would I want to open myself up to attack? Why would I want to relinquish a sense of control? There were so many aspects to consider.

Now, that sounded all good and dandy....made perfect sense....BUT, here I was, freaking out because I was being compared to people like my former friend - who deliberately manipulated, was only conscious of getting her own needs met, was incredibly needy, etc.

A quick example.....

I remember having a migraine that lasted WEEKS....I was miserable, non-functional, and made a comment in group T about having soup for dinner because I didn't feel well enough to get to the store and it was all I had in the cupboards.

A person in group T who had an evil, manipulative mother heard that and immediately was set off.....He said that he didn't trust me, didn't believe me, believed that I was exaggerating the truth to get sympathy. It later came out that his mother used to have cupboards full of food - yet would tell friends on the phone that she only had a can of soup for dinner because it was all she had, to get sympathy and attention from her friends.

I was truly enduring a medical nightmare that left me frustrated and hopeless...and I WAS seeking understanding and compassion....but it's much different than how I was perceived, because of his experiences with his mother.

Of course, all I HEARD was that I was lying, not trustworthy and was crying woe-is-me, making up wild stories to gain sympathy. It was quite painful.

Not sure why I'm rambling on and on about it....perhaps there's a point to it somewhere in there. LOL.

Yesterday at MC the T said our next appointment he wanted to meet with H and I sepereatly for a couple of mintues.. If I was already checked out during the appointment, I would have compltley checked out then. Luckily, the appointment is not for another 3 weeks and I see T on Friday.. I a pretty confident, this will not be happening.

Ugh... I've never called t and asked for an earlier appointment. Part of me wants to just tough this out until April 4

Welp, it's time to head out to group T.....*sigh*....Wish me luck!

GL, MUE!

Mue that was a very good post # 388 ? Anywah the long one a few awag in resl onse to granite, abkut the soup for you.

that is a long time to be waiting .esp if you are struggling so much sconnie. whats going on??? maybe you should call

good luck mue. let us know how it goes. thanks for responding with so much thought and sharing so much in your post

Good luck MUE.

Went to N Augusta today. My boss drove us through a community of Irish Travellers. Apparently, they build these huge homes and hang butcher paper in the windows for a year to clear out the spirits while living in mobile homes in the backyard. Some very strange goings on. We're talkin McMansions.

Interesting..

The couch has been very quiet today.. It is a bit unsettling!

i dont know gee iv'e been here

wow should have taken pictures lol