Couch 43 ... 1 year !! Thanks for the memories

I actually do like kale and chard better, but spinach is in the house and the other two are not.
I am trying to decide what to try next since blow torching went so well. It was one of the bigger ones. Not the kitchen kind.

So do you have a whole face mask or just protective eye wear for the blow torching?

I had eye gear. What I was torching wasn't really blowing off hot bits of metal.
And then I went around the yard and torched weeds.
That was fun but not dangerous at all really.

Well that sure sounds more fun that weeding the traditional way. Just be careful if you are in a drought, otherwise that could lead to breaking one of your rules- don't burn down house.

Couch Question: How much of yourself or what is important to you are you expected or supposed to be willing to give up/fore go for the sake of peace in the home?

I grew up in dysfunctional home so I don't know what is normal.

Well, for me, it depends kind of on the specifics. Peace keeping in and of itself is not all that up there if the choice is between me (and not just some preference of an external nature) and peace. I generally do not believe in giving up oneself as a good plan. Is there no compromise that does not feel like you are giving up a part of yourself?

In my past relationship, because I too come from a dysfunctional family, I gave up just about everything, beliefs, hobbies. I am rediscovering myself again. Giving myself permission to do and be myself. So I say not too much and also if the other person is also willing to give up something in return.

Hmmm... is there a compromise? I'll have to think about that...

MyT is so excited and happy for me that my H and I are getting along so well... and I am happy too... but the reason we are is because I've totally given up expecting things from him...

I think I need someone to tell me if I'm expecting too much and I'm just lazy or if he's just selfish and totally expects me to do everything...

Are you becoming resentful that you cannot expect things from him? Can you let things go that are his alone? Like I mean if you expect him to do x and he does not do it, do you pick up the slack even if it only effects him? I know you have a child (children) so that does limit some of the ability to just say forget it all.
Some things may slide if he will not do his part - can you let them slide is the question I think.

For example laundry - if he will do laundry great. If not, and there is not an exchange of duties that he fulfills, then your laundry and your child's - you do - his is up to him - if he does not have clean socks or whatever - it is his problem, not yours. (this is just an example and may not be the sort of thing you are talking about)

Yeah I guess I am resentful. Unfortunately, there is little that affects just him...
because lots of it is houses and cars and all of that is in both our names...

I gave up doing his laundry a while ago... its just that he ignore things that need to be taken care of around home...not that I'm expecting him to do it himself just call and have someone look at it... but he doesn't do it...so its up to me .. like there is a wet spot on our upstairs bathroom ceiling which means the roof is leaking... been there 3 months.

Do you love him/ want to stay with him enough to put up with it? Living all resentful sounds very stressful to me. There are ways to separate property in some states without getting divorced. Are you sure the therapist is happy you are doing all the work and being resentful? I agree that fighting over it or yelling/nagging/ etc (I am not saying you do this things) will not change someone.

Yeah... I don't yell or nag anymore... given up changing him...

I don't tell the therapist that I do all the work or that I am resentful... I actually thought we were in a good place (H and I) but realized its cause I've given up things being different... now I guess I have to decide if I can live with things the way they are...

You know how you hear people say... oh when the kids grow up I'm going to redecorate...or get new furniture or new carpeting, etc... well I will need to wait for my H to grow up first...

I know it is not a fun or easy decision. But living resentful is awful, I think.

sometimes I'm pretty good at self deception... also this decision does not just affect me

Having a party or parent living all resentful does not a happy home make from my experience with it. But I wish you well with your decision making. It might be good to tell the therapist about the resentment if he thinks all is going along well.

Resentment like every other emotion is quietly tucked inside...

most likely to rear its ugly head at some future date.

Can't Explain... I just wanted to say that I appreciate you sharing your termination session...

Thanks!

My wife has made a very important observation.
When I go in with low expectations, things generally go right.
When I go in with high expectations, things generally go wrong.

Is that the secret of life, to lower your expectations?

I try not to have expectations then I'm never disappointed

I seem to be cursed with expectations!
...and disappointment.

That's what the Buddhists say. Ie don't expect.

No, I think it is the secret of therapy, to explore the disappointment that happens when expectations are not met.
Is it about control? I don't think so. I think it is about what to do in that unfamiliar grey area. 'Yes' is definitive. 'No' is definitive. 'Maybe', 'kind of', 'I don't know' are mushy. I admire the person who can just move right along to the next thing after having an expectation not met, or not fully met. That's not me, but I admire it in others.

I think that this is really important too. I cruised through the beginning of my life knowing that it was best not to have expectations (of myself or others), because then I was never disappointed. It really didn't work for me in the long run. It's taken a long time for me to learn to have hopes and expectations. It's not always easy, but I think it's important. I think I've gone a bit backwards after the series of recent major ruptures I had with T. I hope I can return to being able to expect and hope for some things again.

morning peeps happy anniversary couch friends