So I have been seeing this girl for a while and knew she lived near t because I asked her did she know t ? I didn't say this woman was my t but just that I knew of her and she told me about t s personal life and about her affair!

However I only recently learned how close they live to each other and I am starting to panic!

[WePow]

You have to do what is healthy for you. If this is creating a conflict for you, you may want to find another T. If you do not want to find a new T, you will need to bring it all up with T and be totally honest. That is the only way through this.

Originally Posted by WePow

You have to do what is healthy for you. If this is creating a conflict for you, you may want to find another T. If you do not want to find a new T, you will need to bring it all up with T and be totally honest. That is the only way through this.

Finding a new t is totally out of the question but thank you we pow !

[Asiablue]

If this girl and your T aren't in each others lives then i can't see there being a problem?

Originally Posted by Asiablue

If this girl and your T aren't in each others lives then i can't see there being a problem?

They are not in each others lives but they live a few houses away so they could be in each others lives in the future. Plus it won't take t long to figure out who she is as she knows I am dating someone from that area and t was asking me a lot of questions about her family- how many siblings etc. I don't want to lie to t but I want to protect my partner. Also t will probably be worried about her own privacy. My partner is not to happy about me being in therapy as she wants me to talk to her and not a stranger.

let sleeping dogs lie... if fate has ya'll run across eat other then handle it then... don't worry about what may happen.

[wotchermuggle]

Originally Posted by button30

They are not in each others lives but they live a few houses away so they could be in each others lives in the future. Plus it won't take t long to figure out who she is as she knows I am dating someone from that area and t was asking me a lot of questions about her family- how many siblings etc. I don't want to lie to t but I want to protect my partner. Also t will probably be worried about her own privacy. My partner is not to happy about me being in therapy as she wants me to talk to her and not a stranger.

Do YOU feel you need therapy? If you do, then you should really be with someone who respects your wishes.

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

Do YOU feel you need therapy? If you do, then you should really be with someone who respects your wishes.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately so thanks for highlighting it here watcher! I have tried to explain why I need to go without going into too much detail but she gets jealous. I can understand where she is coming from but I need to do this for me.
I have already told her I will not jealousy and anger control my life again.

[ECHOES]

You partner can think what she wants, and her statement only reflects that she doesn't understand therapy and possibly feels like it is a threatening/competing relationship. Would this extend to other non-sexual intimate relationships you have?

Why not just be upfront with your T that your gf lives near where your T lives, or where you think she lives (if she doesn't know that you know where she lives). I find that getting things out in the open is much easier on everyone.

[Perna]

Originally Posted by button30

I don't want to lie to t but I want to protect my partner. Also t will probably be worried about her own privacy.

I don't think you can get there from here :-) I think you have to tell both about the other and let them decide what their own protection/privacy issues are instead of you doing it for them.

[QuietCat]

The only thing I can think about is: T had an affair!?!
I would be fascinated if I had such details about my T.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

You partner can think what she wants, and her statement only reflects that she doesn't understand therapy and possibly feels like it is a threatening/competing relationship. Would this extend to other non-sexual intimate relationships you have?

Why not just be upfront with your T that your gf lives near where your T lives, or where you think she lives (if she doesn't know that you know where she lives). I find that getting things out in the open is much easier on everyone.

She is pretty much jealous of everything, texts, phonecalls, fb- everything. I have assured her I am not going any where and will never cheat or look at anyone else as long as I am with her.
I will see if t brings it up this week before I bring anything up but I think she is curious about who this girl is.

Originally Posted by Perna

I don't think you can get there from here :-) I think you have to tell both about the other and let them decide what their own protection/privacy issues are instead of you doing it for them.

THis is very good advice and it is one of my vices- trying to protect everyone else

Originally Posted by QuietCat

The only thing I can think about is: T had an affair!?!
I would be fascinated if I had such details about my T.

She had an affair years ago and hurt her husband so badly he did something to himself- he lived but it was a scandal and I think that is why she became a t

[WePow]

It stinks being with someone so jealous. Honestly it sounds like gf needs to see a T about that. Been there.... not good or healthy. Can you go as a couple?

I have have asked her about it and she is not willing to see someone because she doesn't think its a problem but for me its a huge problem. My last gf was rediculously jealous over everything and turned out she was a serial cheater so it stemed from her own issues and insecurities.
It does stink WEpow and sorry your gf was the same. I vowed never to go out with someone jealous again but I seem to always attract the same type of girls or it is because there are so few gay girls that they are all jealous. I don't know

[WePow]

I found that was very true with our community in many ways. But there are ways of being honest with the one we love and laying out things the way we see them. I have been with my partner 15 yrs this year. Through the years there were times when I needed to do things for me. I wanted her support. Things like flying out to california to spend a week with my mentor who is not only a retired psychologyst but also a nudist ... along with his wife. She thought the guy was loco or something because he was different. But I let her know I was going. I let her know t was something I was doing for me. I went, had a great time, did the whole nudist in the river thing... and came home and told her everything that happened. Later that year he flew in to see me for a few days. And my partner got to meet him. Now everthing is ok and she likes him.

It can be tough for people to learn trust. Keep being firm and stand your ground in a loving way. Tell the truth about things. And allow he to have her emotions and thoughts.

"I hear what you are saying and appriciate your thoughts and emotions. But the fact is I am going to do xyz because I want to do it. I love you. And you can either trust that love or not. It is your choice."

[Anne2.0]

Jealousy is a tool of control in relationships, and often escalates or is accompanied by emotional, physical, and other forms of abuse. Being jealous of someone's therapist is an extreme form of jealousy, as the potential for a sexual relationship to develop is at least minimal, and because the partner is going to therapy for help, not to take away from the relationship or the partner. It's anyone's choice if they don't want to go to therapy, but to try to stop your partner from going through guilt or manipulation, that's control. And probably abuse. Continue in such a relationship with OPEN eyes, especially because you've seen jealousy have bad effects before.

[ECHOES]

She is pretty much jealous of everything, texts, phonecalls, fb- everything. I have assured her I am not going any where and will never cheat or look at anyone else as long as I am with her.

This scary and immature. You are 2 separate, individual people.
Please be careful here.
Do you enjoy someone being this way with you?

Originally Posted by WePow

I found that was very true with our community in many ways. But there are ways of being honest with the one we love and laying out things the way we see them. I have been with my partner 15 yrs this year. Through the years there were times when I needed to do things for me. I wanted her support. Things like flying out to california to spend a week with my mentor who is not only a retired psychologyst but also a nudist ... along with his wife. She thought the guy was loco or something because he was different. But I let her know I was going. I let her know t was something I was doing for me. I went, had a great time, did the whole nudist in the river thing... and came home and told her everything that happened. Later that year he flew in to see me for a few days. And my partner got to meet him. Now everthing is ok and she likes him.

It can be tough for people to learn trust. Keep being firm and stand your ground in a loving way. Tell the truth about things. And allow he to have her emotions and thoughts.

"I hear what you are saying and appriciate your thoughts and emotions. But the fact is I am going to do xyz because I want to do it. I love you. And you can either trust that love or not. It is your choice."

Thanks for your advice Wepow and I love hearing that you and your partner can talk so openly and sort things out and the sheer fact you have been together for 15 years is amazing because I don't know any women who have been together longer than 6 years.
I will try to be honest with her always and tell her what I need but I guess I am afraid of that after my last relationship. I am afraid to be honest because even if I said I was talking to a man with my last girlfreind she would kill me and it came to the point where I didn't want to go anywhere with her.

Originally Posted by Anne2.0

Jealousy is a tool of control in relationships, and often escalates or is accompanied by emotional, physical, and other forms of abuse. Being jealous of someone's therapist is an extreme form of jealousy, as the potential for a sexual relationship to develop is at least minimal, and because the partner is going to therapy for help, not to take away from the relationship or the partner. It's anyone's choice if they don't want to go to therapy, but to try to stop your partner from going through guilt or manipulation, that's control. And probably abuse. Continue in such a relationship with OPEN eyes, especially because you've seen jealousy have bad effects before.

I will enter into this relationship very carefully and I don't want to change her, only can she do that by realising how her jealousy puts a strain on relationships and how it will cause problems in every relationship.
I have told her I will not be controlled by anyone anymore but she still blames me for liking thing on facebook- I like pictures put up not the people who out them up. I am afraid to look at anyone. I can even mention t and she goes balistic. I don't see this relationship lasting because I can't live my life in fear anymore.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

This scary and immature. You are 2 separate, individual people.
Please be careful here.
Do you enjoy someone being this way with you?

I hate it, I dont like jealous and controlling women but that is all I have experienced and that have been available to me. I hate walking on eggshells around these women, afraid to express my opinions and likes.
I couldn't even go out to a work event with my ex because she would get jealous if somebody even talked to me and storm out. I dont think I am anything to look at at all but for some reason these women think everyone likes me and they have to keep me away from men and women. I feel trapped again.

[WePow]

You have freedom and choice. It is difficult to leave the birdcage even when the door is open if that is all a bird knows. So it takes courage and strength to make that leap into the unknown.

There are plenty of very secure woman out there who would like a life partner. The funny thing is that they are not usually the type to hang out where the insecure girls hang out. It is not their style.

They are the woman who know they are not perfect, that they are a work in progress, that they have their own baggage, but they still have dignity and pride in who they are. They do not need to be jealous or controlling because those are tools people who are not honest with themselves use to manipulate relationships. These woman enjoy being with other secure woman in healthy relationships which allow both people to grow as individuals.

If my partner found another female friend and she wanted to spend time with her, I would watch to see if the relation was healthy for my partner and nurished her. My focus is not on worry that the other person will "take her away" from me. It is on making sure it is in the best interest of my partner. Now if the new friend was doing things to harm my partner, I would certainly be upset and say something. But it would come from that same state of mind. I want her healthy and safe. And I want her happy. If she did find someone who made her more happy to be with than she is with me, I would cry... but I would be able to let her go and not cling to her because I would only want the best for her.

She is the same way with me. She was curious when I started therapy and she had me take her in to meet my T. But after she met him, she was happy. She wanted to look in his eyes and make sure he was not going to harm me. When she saw he was good, she never said anything else about me going to see him.

You can have this in a relationship. But the first step is to realize you deserve it. And you do. The next step is to remove yourself from the golden cage. The other birds will squak about it because they are fearful. You have left them and what are they expected to do?
Honor their choice to remain in the cage if that is what makes them happy. But do not return to it for them.

[Anne2.0]

WePow, lots of wisdom in your post. Thank you for writing it.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by button30

She is pretty much jealous of everything, texts, phonecalls, fb- everything. I have assured her I am not going any where and will never cheat or look at anyone else as long as I am with her.
it is one of my vices- trying to protect everyone else

I can really relate to what you've written here. But it's how I wish my mother would have treated me. I wish she would have protected me, and I wish she would have chosen to be with me rather than anyone else. So I used to offer it to other people - like my exes - thinking it would make for a happy relationship. Who knows what they were offering me! Pretty much all they had to do was stand there. A real rs with a real person - much scarier.

Originally Posted by hankster

I can really relate to what you've written here. But it's how I wish my mother would have treated me. I wish she would have protected me, and I wish she would have chosen to be with me rather than anyone else. So I used to offer it to other people - like my exes - thinking it would make for a happy relationship. Who knows what they were offering me! Pretty much all they had to do was stand there. A real rs with a real person - much scarier.

I do the same Hankster, I give them everything and they give me nothing because I feel like nothing.
I am sinking deep with this relationship, I can feel the danger and the warning signs- even t told me to stay away but she keeps making excuses for her behaviour and I am soft.
I am sorry about your mother Hankster- maybe she had her reasons for doing all that she did but now they are regrets...

Originally Posted by WePow

You have freedom and choice. It is difficult to leave the birdcage even when the door is open if that is all a bird knows. So it takes courage and strength to make that leap into the unknown.

There are plenty of very secure woman out there who would like a life partner. The funny thing is that they are not usually the type to hang out where the insecure girls hang out. It is not their style.

They are the woman who know they are not perfect, that they are a work in progress, that they have their own baggage, but they still have dignity and pride in who they are. They do not need to be jealous or controlling because those are tools people who are not honest with themselves use to manipulate relationships. These woman enjoy being with other secure woman in healthy relationships which allow both people to grow as individuals.

If my partner found another female friend and she wanted to spend time with her, I would watch to see if the relation was healthy for my partner and nurished her. My focus is not on worry that the other person will "take her away" from me. It is on making sure it is in the best interest of my partner. Now if the new friend was doing things to harm my partner, I would certainly be upset and say something. But it would come from that same state of mind. I want her healthy and safe. And I want her happy. If she did find someone who made her more happy to be with than she is with me, I would cry... but I would be able to let her go and not cling to her because I would only want the best for her.

She is the same way with me. She was curious when I started therapy and she had me take her in to meet my T. But after she met him, she was happy. She wanted to look in his eyes and make sure he was not going to harm me. When she saw he was good, she never said anything else about me going to see him.

You can have this in a relationship. But the first step is to realize you deserve it. And you do. The next step is to remove yourself from the golden cage. The other birds will squak about it because they are fearful. You have left them and what are they expected to do?
Honor their choice to remain in the cage if that is what makes them happy. But do not return to it for them.

Wepow, I have to admire your writing, it is so easy to read and so beautifully written; only trouble is, I am always longing for more. Your partner is very lucky to have someone who genuinely cares and has HER best interests at heart.
I am learning lots as I go from relationship to relationship but I am also getting hurt more than happy.
Even though my ex was jealous and controlling and a serial liar and cheater, I miss her so much it hurts. WHen I think about her I get a pain in my heart adn I can't breathe. My heart is broken and I am broken and I don't know if I can be fixed or love anyone as much as I loved her. I miss her so much and I don't know how to go on without her some days.
I smell her perfume sometimes and I stop and cry and I have dreams about her all the time. How can you get over a broken heart, its been nearly three years now and I still love her more than life itself.

[WePow]

Sometimes we have to allow ourselves to grieve and feel the loss. It can be very painful. But the more we push it away, the longer we suffer. I encourage you to give yourself permission to feel what you feel without denying it.

[SallyBrown]

Hey Button -- sorry I'm not totally up to date on what's been going on on PC, but I was wondering about a couple things you wrote.

First, I wanted to comment that maybe it's not that you attract insecure/jealous women, but more that you are willing to put up with them. It's easier to control someone with a low sense of self-worth, and they may be picking up on this unconsciously, so there's that element. But I also wonder whether you simply put up with it for much longer than a healthy person would -- I think most other people would be not returning phone calls from someone who criticizes what they "like" on fb. Jeez Louise!

Second, I'm wondering what happened with the other T you were seeing?

And finally, this is tied in with the second thing: what is it, do you think, that is so hard to let go of surrounding your ex? She sounds like a nightmare. That doesn't mean you can't have strong feelings for someone who treats you badly but it's hard to see what was so wonderful about her that you still have these feelings for her. (I also wonder whether your current gf senses that you still have feelings for your ex, but that doesn't excuse her behavior one little bit -- others have made great comments about her T-jealousy so I'll leave it there. I was more jealous than I normally would have been of my H's exes because he still seemed to think about them a lot early on, and that's very hard for a partner to shake. Still, I never told him not to see a therapist because of it or tried to control what he "liked".)

I wonder if it's not really your ex you miss, but the distraction from yourself. You were so focused on her -- your life became about her, your friends were her friends, you had to be constantly vigilant because she was lying to you all the time. That meant you didn't need to focus on you. And this is where the T part comes in: I remember your feeling the same way about this new T who seemed so much more competent than your current T, but scared you because she wanted you to talk about you, and to work on the things that were holding you back. Is it maybe easier for you to focus on what someone else wants, even if it's hurtful to you, than it is to face what's going on with you and your past and your family and your thoughts and your life?

I'm just throwing things out there. Anyway, WePow has lots of great wisdom there about secure/insecure partners. You don't need to settle for insecure. But I also respect your willingness to give your current gf a chance.

to you.