[Freewilled]

So I am just feeling like cashing it in and being done with T. I am so frustrated with the entire process and I'm sick of it! I don't know if its all me and I'm just projecting, or what. But I sense my T is getting sick of my crap and I'm sure he's tired of my little steps forward, HUGE step back pattern. I hate myself and the way I'm so annoying with my push-pull interactions in this relationship. I want my T to care SO badly but then when he does, the next session I'm like f-u and am so distant. I really think he picked up on that tonight and I'm disgusted with myself.

I just want to be close to someone. I'm so sick and tired of being alone and depending only on me. I want to have some sort of genuine long-term connection with someone who wants the same with me. But I think all i end up doing is self-sabotage in the end....

I don't know that I'm asking for anything here so thanks for letting me vent. I'm super close to canceling my next session and I've never seriously considered that before now. I'm scared

[Wren_]

I hope you can stick with going to the session and talk about all of this with your T ... I really can relate to the push-pull interactions and how hard it can be, and with the self sabotage. Wish there were easy answers

[content30]

Reading that post to your T could be super productive. Stick with it! You can do it! I'm sorry you're having mixed feelings today....

[Willowleaf]

I have been there, still am sometimes, and she always says I try and reject her before she rejects me. She always says she will never do this, but who knows. Don't know if that helps? If you could show the email or talk about it it would really help. Hang on in there, you deserve the relationship you want.

[HealingTimes]

Oh Gosh, Freewilled, that was exactly the way i was thinking about T a while ago.
But I decided to stick with it, and discussed those feelings of frustration with my T. It was embarrassing and i felt stupid, but it really helped to move things along.

I am not sure about you, but i never had any close relationships as a child, especially with my parents as they were too busy managing their own issues, and as a result i always crave an attachment with older female figures (as a mother replacement i think), and this is what i so desperately wanted with my T, and this is what it sounds like you are struggling with (the need to be close to her i mean).

Do you think that you could write/print your post out and take it with you to your T? Lay it on the line, be honest and allow yourself to be vulnerable.

[Freewilled]

Thanks for all the hugs and replies...I know I need to talk about it with my T. I'm just afraid that bringing it up will even cause him to become impatient with me because my transference is so present and I am annoyed with it. I'm sure he is too. He is a human being after all. I think that's why I felt like giving up last night. It feels so impossible to overcome /: I seem to put my T in a no-win situation and that's why I want to run and hide. I think he's going to tell me to buck up or get out. Honestly, I wouldn't blame him.

I will try to talk to him about it next time. Thanks

[almostthere]

I know what ur going through..... been there many times with my long time buddy.....depression.

U must put in a super human effort to convey to ur T how u really feel....it seems to me that ur holding back your progress for some reason or another. U need to dig deep down inside of ur mind to find out why. Your t is there to help u and ur perception about how he sees u may be throwing u off...... our minds sometimes work that way....

I often feel that way myself... after fouteeen years of therapy i was ready to give up.... and i did....

I stopped going for therapy and stopped taking my meds and found that i was able to connect with my emotions. I was able to c clearly and was happy about my decison. I still feel depressed but i accept that as part of me..... I got that mental desease from my mom but kept it deep inside of me in order to move forward with my life.

I'm not suggesting that my situation is the same as yours, because everyone is different, I'm only saying that u shouldn't give up on yourself just yet.

Keep on trying...... it's a long term process and patience with understanding is the key!!!

Good luck 2 u and I wish u all the best.....

"almostthere"

Originally Posted by Freewilled

So I am just feeling like cashing it in and being done with T. I am so frustrated with the entire process and I'm sick of it! I don't know if its all me and I'm just projecting, or what. But I sense my T is getting sick of my crap and I'm sure he's tired of my little steps forward, HUGE step back pattern. I hate myself and the way I'm so annoying with my push-pull interactions in this relationship. I want my T to care SO badly but then when he does, the next session I'm like f-u and am so distant. I really think he picked up on that tonight and I'm disgusted with myself.

I just want to be close to someone. I'm so sick and tired of being alone and depending only on me. I want to have some sort of genuine long-term connection with someone who wants the same with me. But I think all i end up doing is self-sabotage in the end....

I don't know that I'm asking for anything here so thanks for letting me vent. I'm super close to canceling my next session and I've never seriously considered that before now. I'm scared

[tinyrabbit]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

I sense my T is getting sick of my crap and I'm sure he's tired of my little steps forward, HUGE step back pattern

You don't sense that, you just think you do, and you're not sure, you just think you are.

Originally Posted by Freewilled

I'm just afraid that bringing it up will even cause him to become impatient with me because my transference is so present and I am annoyed with it. I'm sure he is too. He is a human being after all.

I so totally empathise because I've been in this position so many times, and I have to tell you that this is transference talking. Yes, your T is a human being. Which means he understands where you are coming from, he cares about you, and that forward-back pattern makes perfect sense to him.

Every time I think these things about my T, I'm wrong.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

You don't sense that, you just think you do, and you're not sure, you just think you are.


I so totally empathise because I've been in this position so many times, and I have to tell you that this is transference talking. Yes, your T is a human being. Which means he understands where you are coming from, he cares about you, and that forward-back pattern makes perfect sense to him.

Every time I think these things about my T, I'm wrong.

You're right - I don't know for sure what my T is thinking or feeling. But I am very hypersensitive/hyper vigilant and it seems like I'm usually right when I sense things like this in life. It feels like a curse but maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy or something, Idk.

Thanks for reminding me that my T being human doesn't necessarily mean negativity. That's my black/white, depression thoughts talking....he could care about me on some level and still be frustrated with me. I suppose I should just let him feel and think whatever because I am crossing boundaries when I try and "tell him" what he is doing here....ugh. I feel like I have such a long way to go. If it wasn't for my child, I'm not sure I'd have the strength to follow through. I just know that I have to give it everything I've got for my kid's sake who deserves a healthier mom.

[tinyrabbit]

Why would he be frustrated, though? It makes sense that YOU feel frustrated, but your T will totally understand - he probably EXPECTS things to be like this.

I think you're the one who's feeling frustrated - with the difficulties you have getting close and trusting, all of which make total sense. Your T understands and accepts you, I'm sure. It's just that you don't understand and accept you...

TR is on to something there, when she said he expects things to be like this so go with it, dont be ashamed to feel what you feeling and to ask for what you need Freewilled. I hope you stick with therapy.
Sometimes when we are frustrated we try and blame others for being frustrated but really it is us.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by tinyrabbit

Why would he be frustrated, though? It makes sense that YOU feel frustrated, but your T will totally understand - he probably EXPECTS things to be like this.

I think you're the one who's feeling frustrated - with the difficulties you have getting close and trusting, all of which make total sense. Your T understands and accepts you, I'm sure. It's just that you don't understand and accept you...

Hmmmm...you are onto something here. I am feeling *very* frustrated with myself. I've talked to him once before about it and everything. I'm embarrassed to go there again though. What can he say to help? I say I'm frustrated and...and what? I guess I feel stuck, too. Seems to happen every time immediately following a better session. Maybe it's the annoying piece of the process I'm supposed to be trusting but definitely am not right now.

Maybe I will ask T what he thinks/feels about all of this...if I get the courage to do so. Thanks

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

TR is on to something there, when she said he expects things to be like this so go with it, dont be ashamed to feel what you feeling and to ask for what you need Freewilled. I hope you stick with therapy.
Sometimes when we are frustrated we try and blame others for being frustrated but really it is us.

Lol - great minds think alike as we posted at the same time and TR is onto something! You're right - I've really never thought about it but maybe he expects it to be hard in this way for me. That helps a little and ill try to push through my desire to quit or cancel my next appointment...gonna try to talk about it right away when I sit down, too. Thanks

[LadyShadow]

Awww freewilled, I hope you do keep your appointment!

I understand the frustration part. There are times where I feel I am just wasting my T's time, and I get so embarrassed I don't want to go back. But I push through. You should too. Its hard to find a T you like and feel comfortable with, so if you have value in your relationship work at it. the benefits are so worthwhile!

Good luck and don't give up!