Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

My life totally sucks at the moment and I know i should "use my words" but I feel like a complete failure of a human being as i can't get the basic things right. Plus I'm scared you'll find something else wrong with me

Another night of mental torture. Thinking of what's been said about me. Who else "knows"? What other conspiracy is lurking in the wings against me? I am enraged! I am full of HATRED. I once was a nice person but I am now full of HATE. I wake up to this mess every day, I live with it all day long and I try not to think about it going to sleep but it always seeps into mind. One can only take so much in this life you know. Manipulating me in such a deceitful and mean spirited way was downright cruel. This was not a joke. Not a game. You were evil. It was a disgrace, a sin (as if anyone cared about that) and illegal what you did to me. No one is above the law. You will have to answer to someone someday since you don't think I am important enough to be honest with. We'll see if your honest with them.

I will not trust another T again.

There are better TS.

Thanks CE. I hope so for other people's sake.

It's a little late for me now. Damage has been done. If I had known what was going on sooner maybe I could have switched. Maybe I could have redeemed myself but not anymore. It's all too far gone.

Sorry about sounding off. I'll have to try to contain myself. I just need to scream sometimes. I've called T and told him but it doesn't do any good. I'm so frustrated. There is no safe outlet but here.

Hey T,
I'm not doing well. I need you and I miss you.
I wont call though, I'm holding myself together for the time being.

You offend me when you don't reply to my emails. Wish it didn't but it does.

Dear T, i really miss you today.

Dear T, I wish I was seeing you for individual twice this week. I feel lost and need the support. Friday seems like such a long way off, and we have family therapy before then. I should have made the family session for Friday, and just me for Tuesday. Oops!

Dear FM,

I've made the decision to lice out here, and not to not come back. My ex and I are getting remarried.

Unfortunately, my son and him got into a physical altercation just a few minutes ago. He just got home from camp, and told his father he was not staying here.

Sounding off is permitted.

It's not so unusual for people to see several Ts before finding the right one

It is also traditional to spend several months with a new T undoing the damage done by the previous one.

GtGT it sounds like a hard time. It sounds like you need support, not judging. It sounds like your internal compass that helps you discern what is acceptable behaviour needs to be recalibrated. Please accept that right now, for whatever reason, you are unable to appreciate what is going on and your judgment is failing you. You are being abused. Your son is being abused. You need help. Your baby is in danger.
THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! Find your inner mama bear and protect your cub.
You should not be caught in the middle. There is no middle. You belong by his side.
Do you want your child to have one parent he can trust? Then get your son to safety.
Do you want your son to learn that it's okay to hit or be hit in his intimate relationships? Then model something better for him.
Are you frightened? You should be. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!
Seriously. Call 911. Call your women's shelter or abused women's network. Get out. If you're really going to get there you have to start taking some steps in the right direction.

Exactly so. You can't be an "innocent bystander". You can only be an accomplice. Is that what you want, GTGT?

GTGT. You really don't sound like you are in the right space at the moment. PLEASE talk to a professional! If not for you, but your son.

I'm sorry for your pain, GTGT. Please stay in touch here, if nowhere else.

I feel so tired. Luke im drugged. And so who gets to be responsible for his behavior when you are dead?then beat yourself up seven ways to Sunday because you can't make it work. You have worked too damn hard for the last year and half to do this to yourself. It doesn't matter a damn whether he thinks you are responsible for his behavior or not. Something wrong with this picture - and the biggest thing wrong with it is that you are buying it. You deserve to treat yourself better than this.
You you wrote that. E. says death is to good for people like meeasy for people like me - an untouchable. He read your email and my body is in pain. He thinks your therapy was not right and is mad as hell. You and my family were keepin him away from us.

One day I'm a dignitary, the next day I'm tryin to protect kiddo from E.

Ill miss you. I promised not to contact you. I dont want to upset him. Thanks for trying with me. But what I was told as a kid was exactly right.

By FM thanks for everything.

Hi GTGT,
Wow I'm so sorry about all this! So much has happened since I last talked to you. I agree with the others you don't sound like yourself at all and I think you deffinetely need some kind of help! I'm really sad for you that you're letting this guy dictate who you can and can not contact. It's just not like you. I'm thinking of you and so hoping that you can get some kind of help and get out of this mess. You seem to have gone downhill from the confident "grown- up" woman you were when I last talked to you. I know FM and the therapy had so much to do with your progress. But I know you're a strong person and have faith that with support from here and hopefully other places you'll get back up to where you were and better again!

GGTH-
Please please get you and your son away from that man. Family sounds like a better option than staying with an abuser. Please keep coming back to PC

I'm really, really sorry for thinking bad things about you. I've become very possessive of you lately, and I realise I am not your only patient.

T

I don't think you will ever truly understand the extent of anger and rage I am feeling these days .I don't think you believe me at all. I try to tell you and you go on a tangent about my health. I am scared that I will go to using my behaviors to let you know that I am serious. I hate that I am trying to use my words and it is so ineffective it hurts. I don't know it it is me not being able to communicate effectively or you not being able or willing to listen effectively .is the phone calls you are on every week causing you to be late collecting me from the waiting room causing to to just not care about me.

Dear T, I really need help dealing with stuff I've read, but if I try to talk to you about, you will just tell me again to avoid the forum.

T,
I really need you right now. I need you to tell me everything will be ok, that I will be ok. I am working on telling myself these things, but often it means nothing to me. I need to hear it from you. I need to hear your calming voice, need to hear your belief in me. I need you, and it hurts. Everything hurts.
I wish more than anything that you were a T who gave hugs - even though rationally I know it's probably not healthy for me to get one from you, I want that hug so badly. I crave it. At least, at least let me hold your hand - let me know you're really truly there, let me know you're real, you're genuine.

I wish I would just trust you enough to let my emotions out. I feel a bond with you but Im not ready to let all that stuff out yet. I am afraid of the unknown,really afraid.

Hey T,
Those meds really do calm me down, after all!

I went to the movies with my brother tonight. I'm back home and feel calm and kinda --dare I say it-- happy! What a nice change!
I even feel I don't need to call you until our appointment in September. Wow, that's freeing, I haven't felt independent since...um, don't remember.

That's all. I just feel good.

Dear T....

....so remember how I told you that I find myself holding back and maybe disconnecting almost automatically and you said it was self-protective? Well I think I've been doing that most of the week and not even really thinking too much about you. I'm onto other things and other grand ideas and I put you on the shelf for awhile....

BUT today, I think I started to feel angry toward you again (in preparation for our upcoming session, no doubt ). I don't like the way you look at me sometimes with that smile and those weird oogly eyes...I want to tell you it's creeping me out. But I wouldn't want to hurt your feelings so the choice is either to let myself continue to be creeped out or to change how I feel about it. You know, it would be easier if you just had telepathy...

And part of me doesn't mind your looks of sincere concern or care or whatever they are...it just can't quite grasp them and then starts to fear them instead. So annoying T. Just tell me what to do to move on with my life PLEASE. Being stuck in this pseudo-relational back and forth thingamajig is agonizing!

Dear 1st T,

So of course you have no openings this week, and I think I am getting carpal tunnel from the emails...but if I am to get through this disability eval and somehow survive, I need to ask you things.
I really feel, were I a T, that I would leave a few open slots at the beg. of the week for emergency sessions because I know I am not the only one emailing you in need of one. But I guess I am just **** out of luck. And the emails continue. I liked it better when you didn't email and I could just call. My wrist and brain hurt.
I have to stop typing on here, too...ouch.