Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Health T-

I'm so stirred up I can only hope I can use our time on monday effectively. I'm not proud of being so starved for attention, praise and care but there it is.

T-
Go ahead and leave if that is what you need to do. I've already cried a little, as much as I can, and now I just feel dead. So, you can leave me feeling dead or alive. Go ahead and leave me alone with the lone ranger and go about your life. I will no longer darken your door.

Antimatter, did something happen between late last night and early this morning?

He sent me an email that I had previously sent about my distrustful part. I was unable to respond to it for whatever reason? I am trying to trust him but the last session was different, I gave him pictures from my childhood, information that might make us look at things differently, or not, and I feel all over the place. I feel out of control. I am dealing with a distrustful part and it is tearing me apart. I trust one minute, the next minute it is too much, and I'm like **** it, if T needs to go because I am too much then there is nothing I can do about it. I am going insane, I seriously believe this.

I'm sorry, Antimatter.

Dear T, you've been really nice and understanding although I know that's just a part of your job. I feel like I don't know if you're really being nice and if you're just acting cos its your job to talk to me. I don't know if you meant for me to see the case notes but I did. I feel like I don't deserve to be in therapy. That you and everybody else must think I'm some kind of loser because I get frightened all the time and maybe I'm just way too sensitive. I can't even sit there and wait for the session without thinking that the staff are laughing at me. I thought you said our session were confidential. Are you going to tell me that I am being paranoid again? I don't know how to tell you that the thoughts haven't gone away. I'm still so afraid and I don't know what is true. I wish you would just be honest with me. Maybe I can take what you have to say...

This is why I keep wondering what, the constant statement " I am healed " means? Doesn´t add up ( between the lines) never did. A kid is being mistreated. Who cares if he gets straight A´s. He needs a fully functioning parent, love, care AND safety! Seriously for someone who has been "held" and in therapy for 12 hours a week, WHY not protect a child the same way?

Dear T,
Well, now former T since you closed your practice a few weeks back. I'm proud of you for making a difficult decision that while hurt a number of your clients is best for you and your mother. I was choken up more than expected in our final session. While I did utter a brief thank you, I want to put out there in never never land, aka the Internet, that you had an incredible influence on my life. I thought I was a lost cause, that only death would relieve my internal pain. How wrong I was and while I have further insight to explore I will never forget how wonderful you were and the level of care and validation I felt during our sessions. Even when I was in crisis or outright peeved at you, you took me as I was and let me learn that who I am is perfectly okay. I hope your life is filled with kindness and love. For the first time in decades I'm hopeful for my future. I miss you but thanks to our work I can accept those feelings as genuine and not shameful.

T,
Thank you for being you. I know it has been really tough for us dealing with this nontrusting part, and I am having difficulty and am all over the place, but I know you are on my side. Take care!

Dear T,
I don't like this homework. It feels like I am going backwards and starting from the beginning. I started doing some of this work for myself over a decade ago - and I have made progress. It's small progress, but it's still progress. It feels like none of that progress matters or that I should have been able to get more of it accomplished over the years. It feels like everything I did was pointless because I'm having to start over again? And I don't know how to change my thoughts. I know the RIGHT thoughts and I DO in fact think them. And over the last decade I have slightly gotten some of them to change around. But at the very core? I still feel the same about myself. None of that's changed. These worksheets won't change it, because I'm already AT the step where I'm supposed to rework my thoughts. I do. I rework them every day. But they never change the ACTUAL thought and beliefs. I just sometimes pretend like I do, because I learn how to act.

And what you were trying to suggest terrifies me. It's why I cried. It felt like I was havin to go back to the beginning but also skip straight to the end all in one go and that's just too much for me right now. Our appointment was three days ago and I'm STILL crying or nearly crying. And I have to get all of this stuff done while I'm on holiday for a month? That was cruel. I really need to relax and instead I'm going to be worried about disappointing you.

I guess I'm just really sad right now about it and who knows what I'll even say when I see you in a month.

Bah. I could have done with that reassurance.

I miss you. No, like I really miss you. I feel like you're the only person I can really talk to about my serious problems with without overwhelming them. I blow off all of your kind words when you say them, but then months later I'm replaying them in my head just to try and comfort myself.

I wonder if you have any idea how much I need you right now. I wonder if you ever think of me. I think about you a lot. Sometimes I cry at night because I irrationally feel like you abandoned me because I'm falling apart and you're nowhere to be found. I know that wasn't your choice and it's wrong of me to be upset about it.

I know I have barely expressed any emotion for you at all. I know you wish I would. I wish I wasn't too scared to tell you. But I'm too scared. You could hurt me if you knew I needed you.

I wish you could support me more, but I also wish I didn't need so much support. You are getting old, I will miss you when we terminate.

Dear T,

it's pointless. I'm unhelpable. I have to fix myself, but I can't. So there is no use. I talked to a friend yesterday who pointed out that I'm just going around in circles. I know that I am, so I should be able to just break out of the circle (since awareness is the key to change). I don't have that strength. I'm just wasting your time.

Dear T,

I needed you, I loved you, and now I don't know how to deal without you. I'm so sad, so hurt and disillusioned by it all.

Dear T,
I'm sorry for my brusque demeanor. I do actually appreciate and respect you. I'd hope to be able to express why someday without first taking a stab at you. Help me?
-- me

Dear T,

Why did you do this to me?? WHY? I'm so upset right now. I don't understand why you would hurt me so much. I don't deserve this. I know I don't deserve this. I'm not a bad person. No one can help me now. I've cried on my friends shoulders so much. I can't do that to them anymore.

Breaking out of a circle is harder that it sounds.
The thing to do is to make the circle bigger and bigger until it fills the world. Then it is no longer a prison.

T, I've been ruminating over our last session and I feel like quitting. I want to quit. I'm just a waste of your time. You could give my slot to others.. why did you choose to pick up my case anyway? I'm not fixable, T. I give up.

Sent from my phone using Tapatalk 2

I loved you, I trusted you. and you turned mean and hurt me
(just like They did )

My lust is ridiculous and misplaced, I know, I know.

Do you sense it too? Help me find a caring and dignified way out of this.

T#1 your email showed so much humanly love and caring for me that I did not know you felt. You attempted to help me when I reached out, keeping my boundaries, when there was a disconnect and I said don't bother calling I no longer want to talk. When I finally contacted you 2 days latter to apologies and let you know I was feeling better, you were not afraid to show how much you were hoping for a response from me and my email did matter very much and you spent some time this weekend thinking of me and trying to send me positive energy. You did not even question what happened or why T#2 is not helping.

Dear T,

I've never written anything to you before. I've never had a T before. I wonder why did you take my case. I guess I just want to feel special. I know you are doing research. Maybe it was my doctor that insisted you taking my case. I feel undeserving of your help.

Dear T, don't bother with me. It's all hopeless. Feelings scare me and I will only get worst. I'm scared .....

Dear T,

Get this, I am back in talk-therapy. Get this, I met a man!!! Honest to goodness!! I met someone!

Guess what I do, at night, instead of taking my ambien. I talk on the phone, for hours, until I am ready to fall asleep.

Get this, my exh, tapped into my phone, found texts, and has made some threatening remarks. And through, my first session, back in the chair, not couch, I realized, that my current visitation set-up, isn't conducive to the long-term health of my children. And in revamping that set-up, my exh, you know, him, he blew off the visit today. I did purchase, a digital voice recorder and a phone attachment, to use to upload this data to my computer files. Yeah, day 2, proved, what my instincts told me. Day 3, he blows off the visitation. He has a backyard, he could have hosted this visit in, but oh no...what's my exw up to?! She's communicating, after three years divorced, with a man!! Oh my!! How dare her?!

Let's see what day 4, brings. I may need to reschedule, this weeks schedule due to sitter conflicts, but I have another one, scheduled for when my LISW returns from vacation. I may need to entertain the after school care program for the kids, so that I can ensure that if I have any doctors appointments, someone is with my kids. Kind of stinks to be an only child, and have a deceased mom, don't it? Sitters cost money. Guess, that is how I fell into the 'trap' of the ex, and his watching the kids under my roof. But it does result in giving false hopes to kids. Which I never experienced in my own childhood, but hey, there's a point there.

So, um, all the while, I am enforcing the notion, that he is no longer allowed to follow, this set up, he's demanding to know why? Who's there?! Um, since this friendship of mine, that is newly developing, and rather enjoyable, it's Long Distance. But, that's OK. Plans are being made, to visit. You know, make sure, the physical chemistry, coincides with the personality chemistry and all the major life view meshing, etc, etc. Never got this in depth with anyone else before. And that's keeping everything, less about the other aspect that most people rush right into head first. As though, as grown adults, lessons learned the hard way, and trying to do things differently than they've been done before.

So far, so good. Cautious optimism, on both sides.

This week, opened my eyes, a lot more, to realizing something is amiss, with my view on trying to encourage the father/sons relationship. It's not about them, with him, it's all about me!! the ex wife, and proving to himself, all that he perceived went on in marriage, etc. All those imaginary, dancing visions that dance in his head. Funny, the exh, claimed to me, that he found the location to my new friend, YET, he keeps asking if he's here, in my home, right now! DUH!!!

Which leads me back, to the fact that after I text and ask him to verify these things, he comes back to the idea that the med you've prescribed to me, make me delusional. Gotta love how abusers keep their claws in the ones they stake out as their prey.

I keep reminding him, just where you got your degrees, because, when he insists I need a new dr, I rebut and say, well, who would be better than my dr?

OK. I am a bit disappointed, by some new twists and turns in my personal life, and just fed up with the fact that, it's hard being divorced when one isn't wealthy enough to keep taking the other back to court.

I pulled what someone, somewhere else, has classified as humiliation tactic. But, I'll say, it was effective, because someone in the family structure, wrote to me, about what was transpiring today, with the visitation, got the big picture, and told me, where to tell him to go. So, is it humbling or humiliation?

-Me

T,
I need you. More than anything, I need you.