Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Dear T,

I really really want to ask if you have children but I don't really want to know the answer as I will be so jealous of them. If I ever ask, PLEASE DON'T TELL ME.

TR

T,

I got good advice that we ARE connected and I'm looking for a high when the good stuff from you is right in front of my nose.

But....I still wish I could have some more nurturing, I guess. I want you to love the child parts again, just for a little while. Please.

I want you to do something equivalent to holding my hand. Maybe I'm pushing you away. I want to look at you and see the connection. I don't want to think of you as a stranger. If I just slow down and we do more SE, I will look at you and see that you're there for me just as you've always been. I'm very grateful that you're my T.

rainbow

Dear T,

Also, it's been dawning on me over the past few days that I don't want to fight with you any more. I don't care if you sometimes get it wrong. You're kind to me. I'm horrible to you, I criticise you all the time and throw tantrums and swear and rage at you. And you're kind to me. Even though I don't deserve it.

Dear T,

I've just had some bad news from the hospital and have an unplanned appointment in a few days time.

All I want to do is call you or email you or speak to you about it. But I will have to hold on for a few days.

You are also on holiday for a few weeks soon, right when I have my planned hospital appointments. I'm so scared.

Dear T,

I think I kinda made you into "God" in my mind, but obviously you are just a guy...silly me /:

So again, what can you possibly do to help me??

dear T,
We have talked about all the dark in my mind for four years,,,
I forget that we ever discussed anything and feel I have to start all over again.
I HATE you OCD.

Dear T, I wish you would call me now.. Maybe to rearrange or something, I am so desperate to talk to you. I see you in 2 days, I don't know if I can wait. I don't know what to do with myself. I can't email you as it's 2 days, but I need to talk to you. I've cried since the hospital called me.. I'm feeling so overwhelmed.

Health T, I am such a jackass. I think my funny stories will win you over but I'm probably just making you shake your head. Maybe if I'm entertaining enough you will enjoy me more than your other patients. My stand up is awful, I'm sure.

If cbt is your game, i don't think i can bring up erotic transference, daddy issues and whatnot but what do I do? I must be obvious by now. Please help stop the train wreck.

I really want to see you this week, T. But I don't know if I'm going to be able to. Childcare, and whatnot.

I thought, for the first time, "I miss K" the other day. Weird.

T,
I'm emotionally dead. What difference would it make?
I want to contact you. Two weeks to go. Two weeks. I must make it through the next two weeks.

Hang in there - it will be over soon!

Dear T,
Today's my birthday. I would trade any number and value of gifts for 5 minutes with you. I miss you so much, my emotional anchor in these rough seas. Two more months seem like a lifetime. Hurry home.

Dear T,

I am having a horrible week I need you or someone or something but nothing and nobody is here for me. I hate being an adult and feeling like a little kid inside! I hate that everyone else seems like they are able to handle grown up responsibilities but I have to fake it while I tremble inside. Why can't you help me!!!?

.............. never mind.

Dear T,

Seriously. I'm falling apart here! I cannot sleep. I need a break from just about everything. I can't keep balancing it all - didnt you notice how some of my stuff was falling last time? It's falling apart and I'm going to lose my mind here - alone. If you really can't do anything, I fail to see how this is helpful. I'm trying to do too much and I'm gong to get crushed under the weight. How can I just let it all go like that? Is that what you expect??

Hey T,
I miss you.
My vacation was so and so... Some days were relaxing, some were a total disaster, e.g. the day I called you -- I spent it crying, too much pressure to "have fun".

I regret telling you that we didn't need to talk the other day. I really wanted to, but I didn't want you to feel that I need you. I do need you though. Your voice is reassuring to me.

I wonder where you are... Hope you're enjoying your time off, but I'm a mess. I want you. I'm fantasizing about you... kissing you, gently licking your lips while passing my hand through your hair, getting naked in front of you and tantalising you... and lots of other sexy little thingies...

Dear T, I know we haven't talked about much yet but I don't know how to tell you that I'm really afraid of what therapy is going to reveal. I don't know why I don't feel anything right now. Its like I'm emotionally numb but the anxiety has faded a little. I'm afraid to talk about my past, I'm afraid to even face the memories or admit they're real. I don't know if you know or if you're going to one day ask me about it. Why do you think I have ptsd when I've never talked to you about my past at all? I'm just so confused right now and I don't know how to tell you that this is all driving me really crazy...

Dear T,

Thank you so so so much for asking me to email you tomorrow to let you know how my hospital appointment went, it means a lot. To also offer that I could see you even on your holiday if I needed to, also meant so much me.

It's the support I needed, thank you.

Dear T
Right now I feel anger and hurt. I feel like you not giving me what I want. I just wish you could reach inside me and grab that kid who so desperately needs you to help her. She can't reveal herself because of fear of rejection. What if you turn on her?? What if you feel disgust towards her?? If she does reveal herself there is no telling what may happen and that is scary. So please be patient because I have no freaking idea how long :this is going to take. Maybe I need to be patient. I don't know...I'm utterly confused. Last week you told me in an email that I'm doing good work and this week you seem irritated with me. You are hurting me.

Dear T,

So I've been going to see you for about 2 months now, and I'm not sure how I feel about you. Do I trust you? Kind of. Do I like you? You seem nice enough. I don't really feel much of anything. Then again I don't really feel much of anything at all at the moment so maybe that's something that can be discussed. You seem so.. frail. When I tell you something big, your eyes widen like it's almost too much for you to take. And I know I shouldn't compare you to my old T, but the old T seemed so solid, so unflappable. I really liked that about her.

Maybe somewhere along the line I consciously told myself not to trust you like I trusted the old T. I want to try harder but I feel like I can't, or would take too much energy. Blah. I just feel like I am not getting anything out of our sessions and I don't know what it is that I'm missing so I can talk to you about it. Can't you just read my mind like the old T? lol that would be great/scary as hell.

Dear T1,

I have to keep seeing you because of my disability application...and we both know I will (eventually) get a big "NO" and then the appeal...and whatever else as this merry-go-round continues.

And the grief I came to see you for re: my ex-T, you have been able to listen but not help me really heal. It still hurts like hell. I personally have been drowning in my own feelings.

And T2 feels like such a wonderful, positive presence, almost like I CAN finally move on...then I see you and I just feel slogged down in the quicksand I have been in since 2010. I can't get away from memories and feelings re: ex-T, which have somehow become tied up with seeing you.

You basically agreed my ex-T and all of his mess have put us in this spot, and the attempts at closure we have tried with him have helped little...so we are both stuck...wth do we do? I leave you feeling heavier, weighed down. I wanted to work on closure with you and moving on to just seeing T2, and I CAN'T leave, literally.

You are so nice, but we are STUCK STUCK STUCK...how are we going to handle this? There is no end in sight.

I wish I have never met you.

I wish there was a way of doing therapy with a computer, not with an actual person. Actual people bring up feelings and feelings hurt. I'm tired of hurting, I don't deserve this.

I wish I never needed therapy...

its the saddest day ever and I cant call you ,e-mail you ,send you a letter you just don't get it do you .i don't know what to do. I guess neither of us do. I'm scared ,alone ,desperate. I just need you to be there or somebody and you cant . it sucks

Dear T,

Life sucks right now, and you seem unavailable. I am reaching out, to keep myself safe. Please reach back to me.