Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Oh my God! What have I done?!

Please, please T, don't freak out!

ExT,

I'm missing you like crazy right now. The craziness in my life continues. It's good craziness, most of it, but craziness nonetheless. I think all of it is just adding to how much I miss you.

I still have all of the same old questions. They all boil down mostly to why? and how? How could you let go of me so easily? Why did you decide I was no longer worth the trouble of seeing? How could you have hurt me so badly?

I don't know how to grieve you, not really. I know you're still out there, seeing other people, the ones you didn't throw away. I wrote you and told you that I'm doing well. Which is true. But I'm also swimming in grief over here. And you? You're over there on your pedestal or fortress, or whatever you want to call it. Mostly, you're just over there, where I can't reach you.

I absolutely can't take another day of this break. It's been terrible timing. Things feel all muddled and mixed-up. Not knowing when we will meet again is unsettling. Please contact me

Dear T,

Thank you for not telling me what to do last time despite my basically begging you to do so. Thanks for believing in me - that I can make those decisions on my own. Thanks for asking me point blank today if my mom said those things to me. Thanks for being gentle today and so very careful with me as I thought I might break in half. Thanks for your kindness and your thoughtfulness. I know you will never cross boundaries so that I'm starting to feel a lot more safe with you, but at the same time, I know that you care by the way you treat me and the look in your eyes. And that's enough.

I'll miss you on your break, but I am feeling a bit more confident in my ability to withstand an extra week due to your confidence in me

Main Man T-

One more session before your vaca. I'm afraid to ask if your daughter got married already this summer or are you going now? Jealous as hell so I guess I don't really want to know.
I need you more than she does. Selfish of me, right?

Health T- need you to carry the ball while main T is away. I'm worried that I can't do the cbt homework. This was supposed to be an "easier" assignment but you gave me 3 things and two are very hard. What if I can't do the work?

And what did I yammer on about last week?? oh god no...

Dear T,

I need to yell you that I want to tell you absolutely everything right now, but I don't know how or where to start. I hope you do...I think I'm finally ready to begin.

Okay, I'm confused. I need your input guys!

In my language(lets say, french) there is singular("tu me manques" aka "I miss you") and plural("vous me manquez" which is the same thing, just more formal). I use plural to talk to my T, he uses singular, because I'm younger than him.

I sent an email to my T where I wrote "TU me manques".

I used singular without first asking him if it's ok to do so. He hasn't replied and I don't think he will, but my question is: Do you think that he will be insulted by my mail? I mean, by using singular without asking for his permission?

I don't normally do this, I'm very typical, but I was in a bad mood and just acted on what I felt. I needed to feel close to him.

EDIT: He knows about my erotic transference, this is what worries me the most. I don't want him to think I'm pushing his boundaries.

I think your T is keeping healthy boundaries by not answering. Don't sweat it, though, they're used to us. : )

Sent from my VS920 4G using Tapatalk 2

T,

I want to tell you that how you position yourself affects me. For example, how you rest your head on your palm on the table makes me think I'm boring.. like you're trying hard to be attentive but I'm just a burden to you. But I don't want to affect your feelings, so I just keep mum.

To be honest, because of our last session, I'm really not looking forward to seeing you now.

ExPdoc,

I miss you. Badly. I don't know why suddenly. I guess because whenever I am in crisis I would go to you. And I'm almost in one now, and I need someone to listen.. and the only one who seems to listen is you. I'm scared of the new pdoc. I don't know why...

SkinnySoul, I have no idea how many people here speak French fluently enough to be able to respond with any certainly - my French skills are negligible and I have no real sense for how important the singular/plural distinction may be in a patient-therapist relationship. But I would be surprised if an experienced T hadn't encountered this before. And I am absolutely convinced that a T whose language has this distinction will have a less rigid stance about sing/plur usage than many other people.

So my gut feeling is that he will not be insulted by this.

worthit and Mastodon, thanks for the quick replies and the reassurance! Oh God, I really panicked but feel slightly better now. Thanks, really!

How you address each other is up to you.
But in French I would address my T as tu, on the grounds that he is effectively family.

I feel like I'm fake, or maybe over exaggerating everything. What if I don't have anxiety problems because day to day as long as I'm in my house I'm fine? What if I'm just over exaggerating normal experiences?
I've been seeing you for almost a year now. And I feel like I haven't made much progress. I feel bad for the small white lies- No, I didn't try to contact my PCP. I was too afraid to and too distracted by everything else. Yes, I will try to this week. Why can't I do this alone though, why is it that when you and I work together on a plan I get things done but not before? Why can't I just be independent?
I can't wait to just get this evaluation done and over with. I wish you were able to do it- You already know me and I can talk to you more easily than I can someone else who's new. You can see through my bad speech days and understand me, and you're patient with me. You and I have discussed the issues I face just trying to get by in this crazy world.
I haven't told you but I stopped taking my medicine a few months ago. One, I couldn't afford the $15 copay, and two, I felt like it wasn't making any difference and I was regaining the weight I had lost prior to being on the medicine. I'm hoping to get a new pdoc soon so I can discuss this with them and get back on track with somethign that'll work. I'll need to tell you eventually.

Hi T.

Thanks for listening to me. I had a really bad week while you were gone, but I'm glad you're back. Thank you for acknowledging how hard I'm trying lately to try to make a better life. Most importantly, how hard I'm fighting to keep from falling into another depressive episode. I'm not sure what else to do. Is medication next? I guess we'll talk about that more next time.

T,

Last time I saw you I asked the unpardonable question about continuing to work hard in therapy ("yes and what if I fail?") You said nothing but your eyes said many things in just that short pause - and nothing that I liked - if you think you're in here forever, you're wrong - I'm not carrying you, they're your problems, your life - is that what this is really all about, SAWE ? I've learned something new about you ?-

and I said, "I retract the question. Trying presupposes success. (since if you don't succeed, you try again)."

And you let it go.

Or did you.

I am filled with dread at seeing you again.

Dear T,

I googled alternative T and her Facebook page came up. I clicked on it and there, in her friends, I saw you. I looked you up on Facebook once just to see if you were there and you didn't come up. But there you were. I'm glad you've got the sense to keep it on lockdown so I can't actually see anything except one photo of you. I feel absurdly jealous of the two of you, that you get to be friends with each other on there. Stupid but true. I'm not going to tell you I found your page. I liked seeing your photo on there for some stupid reason.

Yabbut rabbit you get to be friends with all of us, and they don't!

Dear T,
I know this is really silly but it worries me a little that you haven't acknowledged receiving my second letter. If I hadn't heard back from you after sending the first one I don't think I would have been bothered - I would just have assumed that you weren't reading your work snailmail while you're on holiday. But now that I know that you do, I worry. Then again, you explicitly asked me to write again if I needed to so I suppose I shouldn't be concerned - perhaps you haven't been around this week and haven't read your mail. Or perhaps you didn't feel that this second letter warranted a reaction, which does not mean that you are mad at me for writing.
I'm making up things to worry about again, aren't I. Just like you said when I last saw you.

225 hours to go.

I speak Spanish (I'm an interpreter) and also lived in France for some time, so I completely get the tu vs vous in French (and tu vs usted in Spanish). I would describe it as more the use of the 'polite' form (vous) versus 'familiar' form (tu) and I think this is what is worrying you.

It's very hard to translate these things, because there is no direct correlation in English -I translate them according to context.

So in this context, I would equate (more or less, not the same) using the vous form with him as referring to him as "Dr. X" rather than by first name, and using the tu form as referring to him by his first name (more or less). So from a certain point of view, for the first time, instead of calling him "Dr. X", you called him "John" (for example).

In 'normal' social situations, using the familiar form under certain circumstances can be insulting, yes, *but* the important thing here is that this is not a 'normal' social situation. I really doubt he would be offended. I think that your use of 'tu' indicates just what you said, a need for a different level of intimacy, reflecting the mood you were in ('bad mood' = not using the 'polite' form). I think it's just useful information for him (and you) and not at all insulting.

In English the equivalent would be phrasing things in a certain way as to convey what you did in your way. Nothing wrong with that. It's not like you cursed him out! It might make you feel better if you talk to him about it and what it means to you -he can surely also reassure you that he was not offended

Dear T,

I wake up every day to thoughts of what you've done. My only respite is on the weekend but even then the thoughts plague me. If I could ask you one question it would be this:

"WHY??"

Why did you betray me, not once, not twice but over and over again? I find it hard to believe you think I was so stupid that you could get away with pulling a prank on me like this. Of toying with my feelings after I had been through so many trials in my life. I was looking for help!! To think that you and SHE would conspire in a game of psychological trickery against me, as if I were a monkey, is despicable. Tell me how would you and SHE like to be treated as a monkey? To have someone dangle a banana in front of you only to find out later that the banana was fake. A mock reproduction of the actual fruit. I don't think either of you would like it one bit. I don't know what I'm going to do next. You've hurt me more than you could possibly know. And, from what I'm gathering through this whole mess, neither of you understands very much. I want to scream but no one will hear me (even you don't hear me anymore).

Dear t Thank you so much for yesterday. I am sorry I didnt know it was your birthday last week or I would have brought you something. Thank you for spending so much time with me going over ex t, I really appreciate it. I love that you are always there and always say you are there, to me this is what I need to hear from you most.
I finally trust you after yesterday T, i thought about it all today and I trust you.

xT,

I know I called you. I know I'm the one who asked for an appt but now the anxiety is so high and the swirling round and round thinking is driving me nutty today. Why do i put myself through this?

I miss speaking to you.. 17 days to go.

T,
you are the best.
SAWE

Wow, I am totally amazed by this experience.... therapy. How is it on Tuesday I was so upset and hurt and then on Thursday I feel all warm and fuzzy about you?!!?
L..... you got me...I am beginning to surrender. Now I am beginning to understand vulnerability... slowly I am letting my guard down. I am scared she**less because I would be devastated if you decided to let me go. I am really afraid.
I'm not in love with you but it's different....omg, when I think about it I feel like it is messed up!!! Like this shouldn't be...sheesh, what IS this??? It's like you are the parent that I needed and didn't have as a kid. My mom provided for me but there was no warmth...no "l love you,1step"...sterile almost. With you I feel the opposite... omg, I can't believe I'm typing this...God only knows if you actually read any of this. I struggle...but I can't fight this...my emotional self is making her presence known. Please take good care of me.