Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Dear T,

I hate you. I think I'm quitting.

Dear t, I don't want to see you Tuesday for the first time ever and it scares me. Maybe we are growing apart.

Dear T,

This week just gets better and better. The last person who SAd me has just freaking friend-requested me on LinkedIn. I can't believe his nerve. And I can't talk to you about it, because I hate you.

My kid is cool.

Thanks FM.

Love you,

GTGT

Dear T - Your rules SUCK. No cutting within 24 hours of appointment or group and no calling you for 24 hours after I cut?? I just feel abandoned and i haven't even cut, i feel rejected and babied. You think you can just control me like that but you can't. I don't cut just cause you tell me not to, I do it on my own, stupid. Just because i have BPD you think you know how to handle me and everyone else with BPD, well you are wrong! I am an individual, and you are killin me tonight since I have T tomorrow and i cant cut right now, and its all this pressure you put on me thats driving me crazy! All I can think about is how i can't cut and what if I did and messed up and how you would reject me if I did. GRRR

Dear T,

I've been making plans to get unstuck....I don't want to talk about it because I'm afraid I'll find a reason to run backwards again like I have SO many times in the past. I think maybe therapy is helping on some level but I can't see it most of the time. Maybe it isn't a waste....

Well-monday is half over and i havent heard from you from my VM on Thurs, requesting a session this week. Im a little sad, though i will not ask about it next week when i see you.

There are so many things I want to say that I can't even string together a whole sentence. I think I'd rather punch you in the jaw.

T,
I can't do this. I told you I could, but I think I may have been wrong. I am defective and unfixable and I cannot cope on my own. Right now I hate you for being away. I need you to be there. And I know I am just one in the crowd of clients for you and I know you don't actually care, but you do have an amazing ability to sound and seem interested in me while I am there, and you do help me get through the days, and you give me hope for the future. When you're there. Which you're not. And I am all alone and have to pretend that all is fine, and I fail to do that, too.
Rgds, Flightless Mammoth

Dear T,

I'm hoping you'll finally be honest with me. Please try!! I need you to trust me with the truth. You had no problem trusting her. Now it's time you trust ME. We can work it out. I might not understand but I really, really, need you to tell me the truth. It's the only way I'll ever heal from all this. Maybe I can forgive you? Give me that chance. Please don't try to con me anymore 'cause I'm done with that crap.

I don't know what to do. I want to ask you for help but I feel that you are sick of me asking for help. I'm afraid you don't know how to help me anymore. If you give up on me now... I feel I will give up on myself. Please don't leave me.

So, I decided to e-mail you asking if you got my VM--and it turns out you emailed me twice with potential times to meet. I feel better, but if I hadn't emailed you, would you have called me back?

Dear T...you agreed to see me twice a week for a while, and I am thankful for that. I need it. But you set some parameters...goals. And you said that the goal was to reduce my cutting...and when it's reduced enough we'll go back to once a week. I am afraid to stop now because I don't want to stop seeing you as often...because I need you...not just for the cutting. I WANT to stop cutting...but I don't want to lose you...

Dear T.
I wonder if you'll notice. I hope you do, and i hope you mention it. But why do i want you to..i am not sure?

Dear T,

Please tell me the truth (lets face it, I already know and am still willing to talk to you, that says a lot doesn't it?). My sanity is riding on you being honest with me.

Dear T, you didnt notice. That only means i'll try harder this week
HT

P.S. I really appreciate todays session, i found it helpful

Dear T,

I love you too. I wouldn't dream of telling you, though.

Old t:
I want you so badly. It's the time right before I see new t that I want u the most

I want to write I U on a card and give it to you like a grade school kid with a crush on her teacher. Of course I won't do it. But maybe I'll buy the card and write on it and keep it with me in case one day I do get brave.

Dear T,

No truth will ever come from you. Hope you will be happy having her on the "side". You'll never have her full devotion but maybe you're used to that kind of relationship. Maybe no one has given you true love. At one time I would have said that you deserve better than her but not anymore. No, you deserve each other.

I'm beginning to wonder if you're o.k.? If she is o.k.? Someone that would do, what you both did to me well, I think you might be sick too.

Dear T.

Thanks for todays session. I can't believe that i was so vulnerable and open in front of you, and weighed. Oh My God! I am really glad that i did it, but it has left me feeling really upset and sad, even though it wasn't a bad result.

I felt OK about it to start with, even euphoric, but now i am feeling tearful and upset. I can't text you because i have no credit until i get paid tomorrow...and i cant call you because my children are here

HELP!

I need you to know I am a horrible, evil monster who deserves the worst possible punishment just short of death. Death is too good and peaceful for me. I HATE myself.

Your awesome and you found your calling in life. I love that your not afraid to learn how to help me as we go along. If I ever succeed in my dream I will dedicate a page on my website to you.

I am so tired of this roller coaster ride. One session I will feel so connected to you, so safe with you, so cared for. Then the next time I am with you I feel like I am boring you, like you want the 50 minutes to be done, like you are irritated with me. And then there are your boundaries. I know there needs to be some, for my sake as well as yours. But I FEEL them, especially when it seems like you are disconnected from me. You have these A-hole boundaries that are 4 miles high, REALLY?? And the icing on the cake is when I email you...put it all out there..I get these little short sentences like "that's what I am here for". I KNOW that you do not do therapy via email and I do not expect you to..but a little more warmth in those brief sentences would be nice. I don't think you would be crossing those boundaries of yours if you would show a little more compassion when you know that I am practically in crisis mode.

Sorry you are near crisis mode. I wish your T could offer you a bit more to hold onto. I agree that even a layman could give you more warmth than a T at times. Call a friend please.