Dear T: I need to tell you something, but I don't know how Part VII

Thanks, Michelle
I wish she could too. The frustrating thing is, it wouldn't take very much...just some words of encouragement..a little more warmth. Calling a friend...problem with that is, not many of my friends know what I go through. Actually the only one who knows some of it is my ex. I can't call her because she is on vacation with her new partner and I don't want to disrupt her vacation. I guess that is why I vent here. I will be okay...I'm going away this weekend to visit with a cousin so hopefully that will be a distraction. Thanks again for caring.

T,
I'm crying and crying and crying. I don't know what is the matter with me. I really need to talk to you, or to somebody. I don't know what to do now. I've made it through a quarter of your holiday. I know I'll see you at the end of it, and that's what keeps me going right now, pretty much.

T,
I hope you don't mind that you heard how crappy I was doing from another T. Like I said it's not crappy it's weirdness I'm feeling. I didn't want either of you to find out. I learned I can't tell my husband anything without a T finding out. Telling would have defeated the whole thing. Please don't mention it next time I'm there. I really would like to pretend H's T didn't mention it. I know that is why we set up a team but I'm regretting it now. I swear I'm okay and will continue being okay. I changed my meds to make sure. Please don't be mad remember I'm sensitive right now. I'll try to stay on topic from now on even if that leads to more silents. I'm trying to do my homework.

H's T,
I'm upset I said anything and I know you'll tell T.

H,
grrr....

T,

Last session, when you wouldn't let me 'disappear', I was really scared for a moment. Of feeling stuff for longer than a millisecond. I actually wanted to physically leave your office. But I also want to experience it again. I'm confused. I dunno what I'll tell you about how I experienced it. I don't want you to stop or worry over my reaction. I dunno. I just dunno.

You sounded annoyed in the voicemail. Maybe that's just your phone voice, but of course I'm totally overreacting and convinced you're annoyed and wishing I could just not come on Monday. Now that I made the trouble of rescheduling after I said I didn't want to.

I don't want to have a ****ing family session next week and I don't want to wait until Friday to see you individually.

Dear T,

I miss you! I miss you so much and I don't want to....I want to be free from the pain - not add to it by being so gosh darn attached that I live for our sessions! I hate this and don't see how it's going to help me. You can't possibly care about me as much as I care about you... I'm alone and nobody ever cares about me. I'm sick of being the one who cares and being left to hold it all by myself. I want you to care but my intellectual part says I really don't need you and that your just some guy I barely know anything about - that its stupid and pointless for me to feel this way.

My quiet part misses you and that's the part I need you to hear somehow. I just don't know how to show you....

I wish I could go weekly right now until I figure out what's wrong with me but it'd be to hard to go back to bi-monthly meetings.

Hey FM,

The last hurdle has been no hurdle at all. I am loving my time with my mom and dad. You are a miracle worker - my Anne Sullivan. You said it makes you happy when you are proven to be right. You helped me fill up enough to deal with significant others in my life, and it's working - yea!

The success I am having here, definitely says therapy will end in the next month or two. It doesn't make me sad at all. It makes me feel triumphant. I'm glad you always used the term we - I never felt alone.

I'm glad you do therapy the way you do therapy, and give each client what they need - not confounded by needless boundaries. Who would have ever said I could actually feel the love for mom and dad - then embrace it.

I love you with all my heart!

GTGT

T,

will you be mad at me if i stopped coming? i'm losing hope in all of this

- htn

Dear T:

Think we may have much to discuss next week. I mean, on top of it all...all those trades!!! Celtics and Bruins. And we won't even go into the one whose name we shall not name with the Pats!! I mean, seriously!?

How 'bout 'dem Red Sox??

-Me

Dear T. I've began mourning our relationship, I know I need to leave soon. I don't know what's going to happen after.

Dear T,

I keep remembering how you said what I was wanting sounded something like "emotional numbing" - as though thats a bad thing. BUT THAT IS WHAT I WANT! If I could be emotionally numb all the time, I think I might try that for awhile. Sure, it's not a long-term fix but I can't handle this pain, T. I'm not sure you understand...

Dear T,

I have strange things happening (psychologically) that are scaring me, I'm really afraid to tell you and not sure how to even bring it up or if I should? I really need help, I never say that or admit that but I don't know what to do anymore. I want this to stop so badly.

Dear T,

I had some fun here in PC Land today. Spent too much time on computer. But at least I was o.k. Too bad I couldn't tell you about PC. Almost did once but then I'd never be able to sound off. Who knew I'd be this mad at you? I never thought it in a million years.

Just 'cause I'm still functioning does not mean you are no longer killing me inside, because you are. The work week is bad now because I know what you and she have been doing. It will never leave me. My career is ruined thanks to you. My insides are churning at the moment thinking about it all. What kind of T would let their client get sick because their ego is so inflated, they cannot own up to their mistakes and apologize? I don't think you really know how much you've both hurt me. You just want to forget me I can tell. I complain to my friends so much they are now sick of me. Hope you're happy.

Something seems backward about all this. I seem to be the one always going away. This time for over a month. It's time you take proper vacations like others in your profession instead of 3 or 4 days for work conferences. Maybe, you should charge more. I know you said you love what you do, and would do it all for free if you could. You gave up being a Dr. to be an LMFT, and make lots less. To me, this truly shows your commitment to me, and your other clients. You are a true mensch. Thank you for being a valuable part of my life.

Love,

GTGT

Dear T,

Thank you for maintaining the boundaries of this special relationship. They keep me safe, they show me, day after day, week after week, that you truly care. They provide me with the experience that I can have a close, trusting relationship in which boundaries will not be unpredictable and toxic and violated, that this is possible despite my past experience, both between us and outside of therapy. Thank you for caring. Thank you for keeping me safe.

Dear T-
How f#cked is it that I want to discuss transference issues about "specialty T" with you? How bizarre that I am having strong feelings for "specialty T" AT ALL?? I don't even know him yet.
Transference is a spooky thing and crushing on the new guy is so not cool. Ugh I feel pathetic.

Just spent the whole day with mom and dad. We just finished watching a movie together. I don't think that's happened in more than forty years. We finished it up in their bedroom. An awesome moment for me. Thank you for what you've given me in order to experience and appreciate this precious family moment. Next time ill invite kiddo. Today I enjoyed having them just for myself.

Mom wants to go to Lord & Taylor and Macy's tomorrow , and I said yes to going with her. I saw the smile on her face when she turned away after I answered.

I feel like I've died, and gone to heaven - Parents can be tolerated. I hope this for others in my life. We can't go back, but we certainly can move forward. Your teaching FM. Thank you for caring, and teaching me to care for myself.

If you are in your mid fifties...isn´t it pretty normal, not to have watched a movie in your in your parents bedroom for the last fourty years? As for parents being tolerated... aren´t your dad paying for your therapy and doing your laundry when you visit? How about: Sometimes grown up children can be tolerated? Just a " tiny nonjudgemental " observation

I feel your pain little me.

Dear T,

Why are you persecuting me??? You think you have this conspiracy thing all sewn up don't you? You think I am a fool. You've underestimated me. I am being punished for seeking counseling. I had so many problems on my plate and you think I needed more from you and my employer? I hope no one else ever has to endure what I have been through with you and mgmt. This is not over by a long shot, nor will it ever be. I will get the records you so desperately are trying to hide or, a full explanation of what has been going on and why. The "cover up" did not work. You are all bad liars. You and mgmt. have made my miserable life even worse (and I didn't think that would be possible). Maybe they'll make a movie of this fiasco and title it "The Ultimate Betrayal". I wonder how my employer will like being named in the movie? I am beside myself tonight and it is all because of what you and She have done to me. I can't sleep thanks to you all.

Yup. It's quite unreasonable.

Thats strange? The feeling I get, is not really related to pain

I am so glad you exist. I know it's your job, but I truly enjoy seeing you every week.