Couch 54, Where Are You?

Yea, I have no idea which way is better. At the moment, though, it doesn't feel good to hear that he had expectations that didn't get met - after the fact. Makes me feel like I'm a total failure of a client.

i fear some day my T will say that kind of thing to me mue and mapleton. even though she said it will take a while

Oh! I have therapy in an hour, and what I picked out to wear isn't exactly perfect. I am okay with it, as of now.

So, I think its just "what am I gonna do, feel bad about it?"

I see a lot of posts where T's are so patient and understanding. I'm not sure I see any of that in my T right now. Sure, I've been in therapy for 4 years - but during that time, a lot has happened. My initial goal was to save my marriage, and therapy helped me see that my marriage was unhealthy and not salvageable. So, there was the divorce process....dealing with my ex's craziness....my bouts of severe depression due to witnessing an act that brought back a lot of memories of my childhood....significant health issues, severe migraines and the work of bringing myself to try different options...learning how to not own other people's stuff, how to stand up for myself (which I'm still struggling with)...dealing with an abusive boss and ultimately losing that job...leaving unhealthy friendships and learning how to cultivate healthier relationships (still working on that).....to dealing with where I am now - jobless (except for this side job), single mom trying to keep her head above water with a non-existent support network IRL.

It's like, sorry for not being in a place to deal with childhood trauma and not working hard enough or fast enough for you. *sigh*

Getting ready to head out to get the tickets printed for tomorrow night's concert (I don't have a printer at home)....and then to my mom's. Going out to dinner with my aunt, mom and daughter.

Weird weather today. Super hot and humid...then a major thunderstorm whipped through, cooling the air a bit...now sunny with weird skies and humidity again....

MUE... I have 2 things to say and they are contradictory but for some reason they keep sticking in my mind...

Didn't you T say "it doesn't usually take him this long to be helpful"... that to me doesn't mean "cured" or "healed" just helpful...

on the opposite side of the spectrum... didn't you want to talk about some of your trauma issues some months back and he kept telling you he didn't want you going there until you had your life more balanced, less stressful, feeling healthier...something? I just remember thinking at the time... i wouldn't like a T telling me we can't talk about something if I need to talk about something...

okay don't know if that is helpful or supportive or not...just observations..

It's like a wave has washed over me.... a big dark wave of sadness...I really hope this is just situational and not something that is going to stick around....

well I have to get out of work before I just start to cry for no reason...

what has become of my son lol

My cousin called me this morning threatening to bring my mother over today. On the hottest day of the year so far. After I called my cousin back - she called right at 9 am, who is up that early?? - and told her not to, my stupid phone stopped working so I had to spend an hour this afternoon getting my phone reset, now all my contacts are messed up, and so is my stupid mail. All because -I figured it out - my cousin is going to be a grandmother. She said the baby shower is in 3 months. So they were never coming here today, it was just to tell me about the shower. And to mess up my phone. I have never been anything but an embarrassment to them and im really tired of it. If they could stop trying to manipulate me for three seconds....

Eta - granite - he is one handsome dude!@!

Just got back from exercising with my bff. She is such a wonderful friend and I love her dearly. The only issue is that she really doesn't get mental health issues...at all. Depression, panic attacks, etc make no sense to her. I know she doesn't have to understand but it is hard sometimes. Today she commented on how she cant see any reason for me to have panic attacks if I am not in danger at the time and as far as depression, she doesn't understand how it can be hard to just suck it up and deal with whatever and then get over it. She isn't being unkind or anything, just truly doesn't understand.

Murray, I feel ya! Last time I saw my best gf, she told me to quit putting guac on my sandwiches, that if I wanted some avocado, just havea slice sometime. I dont WANT guacamole! I told t today, if I were to be indulgent, I would be putting salted chocolate caramels in my sandwiches, wtf!!!

mmmmm salted caramels....not sure about on a sandwich though lol

Wow, RTS, this is incredibly helpful! I had forgotten that T said those things. He was basically saying at my last session that his approach may not have been helpful because he was not pushing me very hard because of my life being so unstable, my health issues, no job, etc. So, yes, he did discourage me from getting into "the work" at that time.

We've come to a place, though, where he feels that the avoidance of that work could be contributing to why I can't seem to get myself stable now.

My thought is that we need to just come up with a new approach, lay the cards on the table and figure out a way to move forward....not just have him tell me that he's no longer useful because it took too long to get to this place.

And his approach most recently wasn't helpful - at all. It was harmful to me, actually - because when I said I was ready to address trauma stuff, he was insistent that I HAD to do in group T and not individual T. Who says that??? Seriously, if I don't want to address my childhood trauma in group T, I shouldn't HAVE to. I should have the choice to work through it in individual T, dammit. That's what initially led to this rupture...and he admitted that his stubbornness, ego, persistence, etc. may not have been helpful. My rejection of his approach led to him almost terminating me which leads me to feel hesitant in addressing anything that I feel towards him.

These are all things I need to talk to him about tomorrow - but I'm fearful that it will just lead to him saying that's why he can't be helpful to me anymore. He was planning to refer me out because he didn't think he was able to be "helpful to me anymore"....I see it as, he's tired of me, doesn't want to work with me, I'm too defiant or resistant or not easily led....that I've seen through his facade, and he doesn't like it.

In the past when we've touched on trauma stuff, his approach has been to push me to confront abusers, etc. - and I am not interested in doing that. I want to find a way to heal, find peace and feel better about myself, not be so triggered about touch, not feel so repulsive and disgusting, etc.without having to confront people. If that is the only trick he has in his bag, then maybe a different T would be better for me. I don't know.

((( Murray )))

I have found that most people just don't get it. But the worst is when people are dismissive and minimizing about it, saying things in a way that elicit feelings of shame and embarrassment, etc. Ugh!

ok so no one is realy concerned that my son is sporting a tutu lol

Who can see past those muscles, those dimples, and those gorgeous eyes??!

I was thinking ...who I am to judge? LOL
He's quite cute Granite.

lol so true he is adorable.he was doing something called the warier dash . he came in like 98th or something out of thousands . wearing a tutu.

(((murray))) I get that. Some people just don't understand.

MUE...can I look at this from a different angle? I have a client that I adore, I have worked with him for ten years. Recently he folded one of his companies and started a new one, but he made a ton of money. I gave him the name of an awesome tax accountant, the one I use myself, and told him she could set up some ts' for him. He was offended. He told me, "I've always worked with you, and now you're pawning me off on someone else." I felt bad, but I just couldn't help him the way this other person could. I am not a great tax accountant. I am damn good at setting up accounting systems, finding issues and foreseeing future problems. Not so good at tax law.

Very well put.

Granite...has he been robbing your closet?

Nothing says manly like a straight dude in a tutu! He's adorable granite!

Seriously granite...dang that boy is fine. Not that I checked the young man out or anything....

(I need to go shower now)

I LOVE that your son is sportin a tutu, granite. Handsome AND adorable!

Granite how old is he again? Is he single? Does he need a sugar momma?