I feel like t has crossed my boundaries

I think Peaches is right about addressing these things with your T. However, from what I understand, your T didn't LIE; she never said that she didn't know your gf. She simply didn't say "hey, I know her!" when you started discussing your gf. If this is the case, then did what she is SUPPOSED to do. Ts are not supposed to tell you that they know the people you are discussing for confidentiality reasons.

While I fully agree that showing you explicit photos is weird and I have no idea what therapeutic purpose they were supposed to serve. However, I don't think it's possible to say that you had no ability to say "no, I do not want to see those." You're an adult and you're in therapy voluntarily so, once you saw that the photos were explicit, you had the option to say "T, I would rather not look at those photos" or "why do you want me to look at those?" or "those photos are making me uncomfortable, I'd like to stop." I fully agree that it would be better if T had not put you in that awkward situation. However, once you were there, with the photos, you did have the option of telling her that you were uncomfortable and that you didn't understand why she was showing them to you.

The reason I bring this up is because (from reading your posts over a long period of time) it seems that you've been in a lot of situations in which the other person (your last 2 gfs, in particular) stepped over your boundaries and did hurtful things to you, and you didn't stand up for yourself. This seems to be a pattern for you. You recognize that someone is stepping over your boundaries, and you are upset by it, but you don't tell the other person to stop or you have a very difficult time leaving the situation (or wait until the other person chooses to leave). I know how difficult it is to assert yourself when you feel like the other person has more power in the situation, or you are used to having your boundaries violated. I know because I used to have the same problem; learning confrontation has been difficult for me, too! However, I've learned that I do have the power to say "no" or "that makes me uncomfortable" or "you're crossing my boundaries, would you please stop." What I've learned is that, at least half of the time, the other person has NO IDEA that what they are doing is violating your boundaries. If you simply tell them, they will stop. If they don't-- that's when you know you have a problem. That's when you know that the other person is intentionally violating your boundaries, is being abusive, or is doing "grooming" behavior.

Since you've said many times that you like your T and think your T has been helpful to you, I think it's worth giving her the opportunity to explain why she's using these strategies, tell her they are not helpful for you and are making you uncomfortable, and give her the chance to stop them and adopt strategies that may be helpful for you. From reading your posts since you began with this T, I just don't think that she is "grooming" you. I don't think she is trying to hurt you. I think she might not be the most highly trained T and I think she is definitely out of her element when it comes to sexuality/lesbian issues. However, I really do think she has good intentions. I think if she knew that you felt this way, she would work differently with you. But, if you don't give her that chance, you'll never know and you will continue to be uncomfortable in therapy.

In the event that your T was grooming you, I would still give you the same advice of talking to your T. Since you are an adult and you are in therapy voluntarily, if your T was grooming you (and reacted badly when you asked why she was using these strategies), you would have the option of leaving your T. Why would you stay in therapy with someone that was grooming you, and who you felt too afraid to confront? You clearly would not have productive therapy if that were the case. So, I see no down side at all to talking to your T, expressing your discomfort, and asking for her reasoning behind her strategies.

I also think it's possible to give the T the benefit of this conversation because, if I explained in a post some of the things I've discussed with my T, or some of the strategies we have used, they might sound "weird" or "inappropriate" out of context-- but make a lot of sense and are appropriate in context. Since we have no idea why T is using what seem like odd strategies, I think it's worth asking "why" before we automatically label them as "grooming" or "abusive." If the explanation makes no sense or is "creepy" then we can go ahead and label away...

If it were me, I would try to refrain from too much wild speculation, so the situation doesn't become bigger than it really is. This has a fairly simple solution: ask, ask, ask. The test for your T is this: can she provide an explanation for her behavior that 1) makes sense to you, and 2) leaves you feeling good inside, without any weird or uncomfortable overtones. If she can't, then you need to pursue it, and even push for more clarity. Don't stop until you feel like you have your answer.

Mona, in the end, if she is doing something that you don't feel right about, she needs to try something different, or you need to find another T. You sound like your trust in her is tenuous, and that's not an effective foundation for good therapy. You deserve to be in a therapeutic relationship that inspires you, makes you feel safe, and challenges you to grow. Go get it!

Syra, i just feel that the word "grooming" is a highly disempowering word and loaded with connotations of abuse ( child abuse specifically since i am not aware of the word being used to describe an adult to adult situation) and in my country "grooming" is in fact a criminal offence. But i take on board that perhaps you weren't insinuating what i thought.
I do feel that that word has no pertinence in MLS's situation and only serves to create a hysterical environment that might worry MLS more about her T's intentions.

In regards to the photographs for people who haven't read the other posts by MLS... her therapist didn't throw these pictures in her face, she spoke to MLS about them, they are explicit but also artistic and her T loved them and was excited about them and suggested MLS go look at them. MLS has since had a conversation with her T as to why she suggested she look at them and i think she was content with the explanation.

Thank-you for clarifying about the photographs and the context in which the therapist suggested them. MLS's original post (in her other thread) about the photos was deleted, so I didn't understand the context around the photos. Knowing this makes it sound like a much more acceptable situation. I think many of us had the impression that her T handed her a bunch of "crotch shots" an said "you'll like these because you're into women!" Knowing that it was an artistic book and that the T only suggested it (didn't throw it in her face) makes it sound much more innocent. In fact, I'd probably love the book! I'm pretty sure I own a similar book and probably would recommend it to my T!

Hmmm. I agree and disagree with you. I appreciate you responding and filling in more information.

The problem with "grooming" as I use the word is that it isn't until after a more severe violation that it is recognized for what it is. Therefore, I think pondering strange boundary experiences is worth considering. For me, as I heard MLS tell the story, I thought of grooming behavior, but there is a A LOT I don't know so I never intended to assert it was grooming behavior, just that it MIGHT be. And unlike others, I would not confront someone who I wonder about grooming behavior. I would want to do a reality check with someone else before I brought it up with the person. Partly for reasons I think you allude to - making things go out-of-control without proper basis, and causing harm to everyone.

Your last paragraph provided more information and it didn't sound like these were the kind of pictures I was picturing, and therefore, the idea of grooming lessened in my mind to not so likely. But I still don't know.

I agree about the idea that introducing the possibility of GROOMING into a conversation where there isn't any grooming going on makes things difficult. And it's hard. I wouldn't want to suggest grooming or abuse when it isn't. It's painful and possibibly destructive to the client & T. I also wouldn't want to ignore the possibility when I should consider it.

I believe I was groomed. Non-sexually. Groomed to be dependent on her see her as my "savior." I say that because as I listened to my talk about my situation I realized I was expressing feelings that people who have been sexually abused use, and that boundaries slowly came down in ways I loved and was uncomfortable with but thought they were okay because she said they were okay. I didn't realize it until things went really badly. It isn't for me to give MLS permission or not, but if those who know more about the situation have a sense that it made sense, and was done professionally, I wouldn't argue.

I do think you bring up a good point. Conversations of abuse (and therefore also grooming) can be very difficult and cause harm in and of themselves.

Hi Mona --I think Scorpiosis makes some great points and has some useful suggestions. I've seen you, over a long period of time, have a myriad of complaints regarding your therapist --all of which are perfectly normal. But as you never confront her with any of these complaints, it gives me the impression that you do not believe you have agency (power, rights) in this relationship (and perhaps others). Maybe this was inculcated in you from a young age, but I do believe it can be overcome.

You do have agency and the ability, somewhere in you, to confront your therapist when something makes you uncomfortable, when something has not been helpful, or has been hurtful, or inconsistent, etc. I think until you act on your ability to have some say in this relationship (and perhaps others) you will continue in a kind of perennially helpless state, where others are always doing things to you, instead of it being a relationship of two adults, each with their own decision-making capacity, and rights and ability to speak up when something has gone wrong.

Maybe the first time will be scary, maybe even terrifying, but after that first time it may well get easier until it becomes a part of who you are. But one of these days, you'll have to take that first step, with someone, I think your therapist is a good start; it is a relatively safe place. I am convinced that she not reject or abandon you if you do so. Maybe you're not so convinced, I get that, but --baby steps, one step leads to another.

I'm still in shock over the photos. I mean, there is just something that is seriously messed up with that. It's so offensive and.....totally should have been something you guys discussed before any of that happened - if EVER.

I really hope you will bring these concerns up with your therapist and find out what her intentions are. I know people were discussing the whole "grooming" issue, and I honestly don't think that it's unrealistic to be worried about the seemingly very inappropriate behaviour by your therapist.

Find out the answers and either work it out or get out - cause this is one f-up situation all around.

I think this is why some of us start with just asking for water, or a change in the seating arrangements, or even just a change in schedule. It took me a long time - like 3 years - to even be able to ask the kindest gentlest t for these accommodations. I felt intrusive, overbearing, demanding, unreasonable, and i was mostly afraid I could never change my mind again if i didnt love the new arrangement. Here i had chosen it after making such a big stink - id better love it, people weren't going to want to go to all the trouble of changing stuff for me again! If I cant make up my mind what I like!

Man! Does nt that just sound like picking on and bullying?? Or something negative. Something discouraging. Something not healing and therapeutic!

So start with something easy to ask for,, and OWN it.

Terming this grooming seems to go too far. Tell her you felt uncomfortable and ask her what her purpose was. My T asks me about sex more than I would like but that's because, as your T said, she wants me to feel more comfortable about being a lesbian. She has even expressed pleasure knowing that I enjoyed a night with someone. That was strange to me and I told her her comment weirded me out. She explained why she felt pleasure about my experience and though still odd to me, I got her reasoning. Heck, I wish my T wanted me, but no, she has her treatment approach.

Sometimes those of us who know our boundaries are not strong enough in some situations need to trust ourselves when we believe our boundaries ARE being crossed, as you say you feel your t is doing. We have to avoid continually questioning whether it's our fault that we aren't assertive enough about our boundaries. I'm not sure if that's the case with you or not. But if you are seriously concerned that your boundaries are being crossed, it's understandable that you might not want to lay all your cards on the table and openly say so to your t, since that would clue her in so she could manipulate you in another way.

Did she explicitly tell you she does not know your ex-gf and your ex-t? If she did say that, that's lying and she isn't trustworthy. I think in a couple of your posts here, you said she did explicitly state that. If she just neglected to tell you she knows them, that might be different.

I agree with Sunrise, the exercise where she got in your face seems inappropriate. I think it seems manipulative and aggressive. It's almost never appropriate to get in someone's face. The t shouldn't be intentionally doing things to cross your boundaries to test you or teach you. She could teach you in much more caring and considerate ways. She is teaching you the opposite if she's trying to get you to trust her yet doing things she knows are likely to violate most people's boundaries.

Do you live in a small town where a lot of people know each other? Do you have many other choices for therapists? Both of those things might make it more difficult if your ex-t is likely to know a lot of people you know and if there aren't a lot of therapists who are comfortable discussing lesbian issues in your town. I probably don't need to tell you that's more difficult if it's the case. I brought it up in case it helps other people on here understand the situation.

My strongest sense of your situation is that you have felt your boundaries are being crossed in a number of ways for a while. Even if there are ways to understand the therapist's behavior as legitimate (and I'm really not sure there are), her style is pushy enough that you don't feel comfortable to talk openly about a lot of your feelings, so she may not be a sensitive enough therapist for you. I think if there was a small disconnect between her style and your level of comfort, maybe you could learn to assert more boundaries with people who have more aggressive personalities like her, but it sounds more like a big gulf than a small disconnect.

The photos are just weird. Unless you consider them explicit and others wouldn't? Some of us (like me) see explicit when it's not.

I can see if your T did not acknowledge knowing these people...but to out and out say "I don't know her" is a lie. I wouldn't like being lied to.

I just wanted to thank you all for your replies and sorry that I didn't get around to reponding to each and every post!
I must admit I got a little upset because I get very defensive about t, I love her to bits but she is a little different to most ts. She did lie about not knowing my ex and ex t. Maybe she had a good reason to say that, I have to trust her reasons or else I will be fighting her every step of the way.

You can trust her reasons and still bring it up with her. Discussing this doesn't necessarily equate to fighting her, it's about sharing what's on your mind and working on the relationship (at least as practice for other relationships) by being forthcoming about feelings, doubts, concerns, so that things can be resolved. I do believe that relationship issues (with therapists or others) do not magically resolve themselves without discussing them, exploring them; otherwise they just pile up and you're not really giving her or yourself a chance to develop an adult, two-way (as in, it takes two to tango) relationship.