Ts response to attending my funeral

In December 2012, my Dad died, in March 2013 my dog (my best friend) died, then last week my ex-sisterinlaw died of an accidental overdose.

In T today, I was telling my T that I was just diagnosed with a heart arrthymias.

I have death in my head, and I asked my T if I died would she come to my funeral. My T is strictly by the books. Very professional. I told her how my exsisterinlaws T came to her funeral. Her T also sees my brother and nephews for the past 20 years so she knows the family well.

My Ts answer surprised me a bit. Her response was she would have to ask the American Psychological Association.

Have you ever asked your T this question?

Never asked this question....but thank you for sharing. Sort of puts suicide in a different....harder to swallow light.

I'm sorry to hear of your losses.

I have never asked my T that question, and I doubt that I would - as he would probably take it in the context of suicide. But he has attended a show that I was involved in, so I'd imagine he would attend my funeral.

Thought it, but never quite got round to asking it.
Would you go to hers?

PS:

I'm surprised she gave you any answer so quickly. Psychodynamic Ts generally like to keep questions alive.

I'm sure Madame T would have asked me:
* Why do you want me to come to your funeral?
* Who else would be there?
* How do you think they would feel?
* Are you expecting to die soon? How do you feel about that?
* How do you feel about the inevitability of death?
* What impact would your death have on those left behind?
* What role does ritual play in your life?

She generally milks a question dry and still doesn't answer it.

I think that's the point.

I don't think in general this is a fair question to ask your T. Unless say you were diagnosed with a terminal illness. even then I'm not so sure.

Good question tho

Can't say that I ever asked this specific question, but we did talk about how we would each feel if the other died. Maybe related.

But honestly, I find her answer to you to be lame. I could easily accept not answering, or even saying that she'd like to think about it and talk next week, or doing as CE's Madame T would. But her answer tells me that she doesn't have a firm theoretical foundation from which to answer you. That would bother me.

When my father in law was dying, I asked my T if he wanted to come to the funeral. My T also saw my father in law (and still sees my MIL). He said that he would like to come and asked me to let him know as soon as we made arrangements so he would reschedule client appointments if necessary. He did come to the funeral. I think if I died, he would come, but I'm not totally certain.

I can understand why you would be thinking about death a lot lately. This is natural when you've had so many losses in such a short period of time. My sympathies to you. I think even one death of someone close to us makes us think what if? I can see asking your T if they would come to your funeral especially if you care for them. I don't see why your T couldn't just say yes of course I'd come. What is the big deal here? Having to ask the Psychological Association? Are you kidding me? I often wonder if T's are human at all with any feelings or are they just manikins we talk to? I've never asked my T that question but I did consider it. I figure he wouldn't know if anything happened to me anyway or he'd have clients that night or something else on the agenda so he'd never be able to come. I wouldn't want to hear a phony yes either. Good question though.

Nailed it.

Never asked and honestly? I would NOT want my T at my funeral- like why should he go there, what he'd be doing there?
Gee sounds nightmarish...

No, I haven't asked, though I've wondered about some variations of the question, similar to fkm's conversations about what it would be like for my T if I died.

I'd imagine the answer might be different in the case of suicide vs natural death, if only from a legal standpoint. Not to sound too cold hearted or anything.

What the APA might think

A terminally ill patient's last request

No, I haven't asked, and it doesn't matter to me. Someone I worked with in a professional capacity (she was in a group I ran) died and I sought advice from someone with more experience as to whether I should attend her funeral (I was invited and wanted to know, but wanted to make sure it was appropriate). I was told it was OK to go. So I went, and her psychiatrist was there, and her therapist too. As well as others she knew in a professional capacity. Her psychiatrist was one of the speakers. I was glad I went. It was a way to honor her life.

It doesn't appeal to me as a concept to think about the therapist at my funeral. In practical terms, it is not like I would know who was there or not and I am not certain the therapist would even know I had died.

To be "practical", wouldn't you call to see where your client/money went? Presumably you wouldn't show up for a scheduled appointment if you died suddenly and, in my case, since I show up regularly and on time, etc. my therapist would be curious/concerned if I did not show up. I had a group therapist actually call me because I did not show up for group once because it was "me" and I am so reliable.

I would want to think my therapist would come but would not ask as I might get an answer I did not like and that might influence my living. It's easier to use my imagination and believe my therapist would come rather than get the "facts" on the case which might be disappointing; as has been pointed out, one wouldn't know what actually happened (I've known stepchildren to reassure their stepmother they'd be buried a certain place/way while they were living and then do something else after they died).

I was thinking more about this and realized that I don't really care if he would come or not. He has told me how much he cares about me, and he mentioned once that he realized he was avoiding the topic of me discontinuing therapy at some point because it was really painful for him. If me just stopping therapy would be painful for him, I imagine that my death would be also. If I died, I would want him to do whatever was best for HIM in dealing with it. If that meant avoiding my funeral and avoiding grieving in front of people, then that is what I would want him to do.

I suppose it would depend upon when I died in relation to when the appointment was. If I died on the way home from the appointment, I would probably be buried before the next appointment - so she would not know. She could call but as she only has my cell phone number and no other persons to contact, I am not sure she would get hold of anyone else. And my cell phone is locked so it is not like someone could just answer it. Finally, I think the woman would email me rather than call and no one would get the message to respond as she only has an email address that I use for non-usual persons and matters. But, for all I know, she scours the obituaries looking for missing clients and could find out like that. But my real thing is that because I will be dead, it does not matter to me what goes on at the funeral.

On a tangent, do you guys ever wonder how your online friends would ever know if you died or something happened to you? I started being a little concerned about something happening to my online friends, and never being able to find out what happened to them, after stopdog's accident.

I do wonder about that. There's another forum I've been active in for years and I know they would know, because most of my best friends are from that board. I have instructions for my sister to contact a list of people, some of whom I only know online. She doesn't know I post on PC, though, so that would just be a mystery.

I don't think under usual circumstances, online people would know about accidental stuff. I have been on boards where if someone had something terminal, they let their friends know.

For me, over the years a lot of friends have come and gone online and I haven't always known what became of them (they just "disappeared"). I think for those that are really good online friends, they are in multiple "places" with me online so I'd probably learn somewhere; I have people change boards or stay on boards I don't anymore, etc. and others that end up only being occasionally email buddies for jokes, we don't see one another on boards anymore at all. But it takes time to become a good enough friend and I don't think I'd feel it was something I "did" if a good friend disappeared and I didn't have a way to find out what happened; I would probably assume they had died, based on past behavior, versus that they had just "left" me.

No, I have not asked my T that question because it doesn't matter to me. What matters is that she's here for me while I'm alive.

Me: From PC. If I died would you come to my funeral?

Therapist: I feel, on one level worried, and on another level sad.

Worried that you have gotten yourself into a place where you cannot process this enough to create a response. Cannot recognize what is really being asked.

This question is not about going to the funeral. This question really being asked here is Do I matter to you? Do you care about me? Am I important to you?

Sad because maybe you don't yet know the answer. I care about you. You are important to me. If you were to die, I would feel a great loss, I would mourn for you.

Whether or not I would go to your funeral is irrelevant.

Me: Is it yes or no?

Therapist: I answered the question the only way I can.

I love you. (I forgot this line when originally posted)

##i guess she's not going.

I think your T is close to the truth here. But for me, there is a little bit more.

Do you care enough about me to break the rules, to step out of your professional armour and do the HUMAN thing? Will you go the extra distance?

By the way, T, it's not enough to know you care. I want to hear you say it.

This is where Madame T and I part ways.

PS: Thanks for lowerimg my expectations, T. Not.