Couch 55...And on it goes....

Well I'm not proud that I didn't do it. Its sort of a big deal in my profession when you dont' do it so.... just glad its one of the 3 things I've been worrying about is done.

I decided... that since I'm not going to be seeing my T that I'm going to be "getting off my a s s (figuratively)" and start getting these things that I'm really stressed about getting done...done...

I'm not sure why I wasn't able to do them... I think part of it is just not wanting to admit I didn't do them or that I'm not perfect or that I was in a really bad place in 2009/2010 and I couldn't deal with it all.

MKAC... all done your shopping?

Wiki... I'm always interested to hear about your working with the birds... my friend used to have 2 love birds... I couldn't even stand to have them out of the cage when I was over at her place.... birds make me nervous...

having such a bad day today. Marriage counseling last night was horrible. I thought we were doing really really well, so hearing H talk about how 'over the top' and weird and intense my irritation was at him a couple of days before was like a punch in the stomach. It was this really minor incident where he would not listen to me or do what I said about setting up a phone as a hotspot. He was doing this very juvenile 'but I DID that already and it didn't work!' I carefully did not call him names or tell him he was just lying or not listening. I told him that it had worked for me the last 15 times I tried it, and then finally stopped what I was doing and went over and did it for him [exactly the way I told him to do that he would not try]. He said my saying that it worked for me the last 15 times hurt his feelings and made him feel like I was saying he was stupid. I apologized, was really nice to him after that and thought we were done. He spent 40 minutes focused on that and how I hurt his feelings, and how in the past, several times, I have said told him that "no one is that stupid" in reference to some mistake he has made. I actually said that ONCE and that time was 21 years ago, shortly after we were married.

So. For me it was a double whammy of just being surprised by him still being that upset days later plus the fact that it was a minor irritation and I was polite so it seems like I am not allowed to express ANY negative emotion whatsoever. The MC focused on H giving me some cue that I was starting to hurt his feelings, whereas I thought we should be focusing on H's pathological inability to deal with even the slightest conflict. I agreed, however, that we should come up with a cue because I certainly didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but thought we should discuss the other as well.

Yep. Shopping got done and D and I actually had a really good time doing it.

MKAC... that must have been very hard considering it sounds like you were really working to control your emotions in that situation.... did MC talk to your H about how he is holding on to the hurts from the past?

Was it only your H that it was affecting (ie not getting internet) or was it affecting you too? because if its affecting you and he isn't willing to try something than you would have to intervene... if its only affecting him... could you have said well it worked for me and then not bring it up again and not respond to his complaining about not having internet?
it sounds like MC can be so frustrating... did you get to say any of the things that you wrote here?

It was only affecting him, and he was trying to use my phone to connect to the internet. It was not affecting me at all, and I thought I was being nice to try to help rather than just tell him he was on his own or to get his own phone and use it.

I did get to say some of those things in MC, but the MC wanted to focus on preventing hurt and seemed to disregard my statements that I was not behaving badly and the issue was H's inability to deal with ANY conflict or negative emotions. And no, MC has never address the holding on to the hurts from the past, except with ME. To his credit, though, when I pointed out that I was bringing up past hurt to show a pattern of conduct that still continues, MC agreed that the past hurts were relevant, and we needed to address the pattern.

I'm in that brief period of happy excitement between making an offer on a house and having it turned down.

CE - good luck on getting the house.

What do you need a house for? Home ownership is over-rated. Just in a **** of a mood do't take anything too personal. Everything just sucks at the moment. Why can't I be allowed to feel miserable without being made feel guilty as well.

Sorry! It's good news for me.

Who is making you feel guilty?

Sorry its probably just me but when i start to feel down, my ex the mental health team all say don't give in to it, but I just want to feel miserable and cry and wail and gnash my teeth and not pretend to be happy when no-one wants to know why I'm feeling unhappy and refer me on to my T. Who I'm not going to see for another 5 weeks anyway.

So why are you feeling unhappy? Are you missing T?

CE. Congrats on the house and I hope you get it if thats what you want. It's just that we bought a house, I wasn't keen on buying a house, it is cheaper to rent and you have more freedom when you rent. But if you choose security over flexibility thats ok too.

Probably I feel we didn't resolve the whole transference thing. It's still hanging there and I want to know what he thinks as it appears that he missed the whole thing. I don't know how, all those phone calls, texts and emails. Maybe I wasn't saying what I meant.

Congrats CE! I'll cross my fingers for you. Our house is currently on the market. We've found one that we like quite a bit, so I'm hoping for an offer on our house soon.

I am so cranky....

Anything we can help you with RTS?

I'm just miserable tonight.... and sort of sad because tomorrow is the first scheduled appt that I won't have with my T since I had to stop going due to $$ issues...

so no not anything that can be helped... just endured...

I'm going to put myself out of my misery and go to bed.

I'm totally there with you RTS.

Me too. I have a big meeting tomorrow and I also have a pdoc appointment, which likely means a med increase. I think in the end it's a good thing, but I tend to really struggle with med changes. Not because I'm easily affected, but because I am a crazy person and like to panic just because I know my meds are different. Gah.

I need to stop listening to music that I shouldn't be listening to.. sighhhhhh. I should go bathe or do something constructive.