Couch 55...And on it goes....

Thanks Ready, 9 days til Im moved.....packers here on Friday and in my new apartment Monday. I am trying to just remain calm and I keep telling myself this too shall pass....

Had a great time with the grands and now its back to reality.

Sorry your having a blah day Healed. I need to catch up on the couch. On another note I have a friend trying to sell me her 2006 sportster 1200 motorcycle... W says no, but I dont have to listen to her anymore

Hey Mast, I see you

Seems like you and w had a good time on your little vacay, Lola.. Hoping things had changed between the two of you?

Hey Lola, good to see you

Its complicated Healed....

I have a defense mechanism I developed as a child I suppose that allows me to turn on and off my emotions. We did have a good time. However the fact that she choose not to move with me has me feeling anger toward her. Especially because if it werent for her wanting to sell the house immediatly, I could still have been here and working from home. She lost her wedding ring on vacation and is devestated, I cant help but think that it's a sign. We have agreeded to stay together and try the long distance thing, but I know me and that will be something I will need to work on as "out of site out of mind". I know its juvenille , but I can't help feeling she brought this on herself and she had a choice and didnt choose me. 9 more days and I can focus on work and setting up my new place , as I am letting her take most everything. So I have a bunch of shopping to do and feel like I can keep busy for a good while with that task.... Emotions off and blinders on, just keep swimming, just keep swimming... I hope to find support here over the next few months as i get adjusted to my new life. I'll have my own checking account and money now, we are keeping a few bills together for now, she offered to keep paying my bills ( I'd deposit money to do so ), but I think I need to be a big girl and do it myself. So who knows what will happen, but I'm afraid being 2.5 hours away that chances are not good.

Hey, couch peeps!

((( Lola ))) - Ah, defense mechanisms at work. Sounds like you're taking things one step at a time, protecting yourself emotionally. That's not a bad thing. (( HUGS ))

((( Granite ))) - Hope you're ok.

I read this on Facebook today and thought it was great:

"A bird sitting in a tree is not afraid of the branch breaking because her trust is not in the branch, but in her own wings."- anon

The branch breaks. We fly - because we were made to. And THAT is independence.

And....

"Circumstance changes. People change. Don't be the only one who remains the same. You'll be left behind."

Lola - I think it is a good thing you are going to be paying your own bills and responsible for yourself in that sort of way. I believe it is possible to find that sort of thing freeing in a good sense.

ready i think the way you and you husband have worked out a good enough way to help him be accountable and responsible for his part of the bills .at least he can not avoid seeing that is is not holding up to his part of the bargain.i was glad he decided to not go to the concert.but it still would have been nice for him to help with the laundary. but i guess small steps right

lola it is good to see you here .i am so glad you had a good time with wife and grands .and maybe the seperation might be good for the both of you .i bet it would be goo to see that you can be alone and still survive. im sitting on your side and here to listen on those lonely nights if ya want

I'll just hide under the couch for a bit if I may.

MUE i am ok just very very sad and tired of life i just dont realy want to deal at all but i will be ok dont want to bring everyone here down .i just suck at dealing these days

i'm sorry mast i didnt mean to step on ya at all .you ok whats going on ??ill come hang under the couch with ya. whats up???

You did not step on me, granite, really really not. I don't think you could do that even if you wanted to - you are the most considerate person in the world. I am sorry you feel so down. I wish I could help.

My life is a bit of a mess, is all, and I have no idea how to fix things. I'll live, though.

Lola, I'm right there with you in the emotions shut down place...

I've gotten myself to such a place that I can't remember a thing my t has said. I'm not even sure I can remember the reason that I wanted to go to T... Its like when I think about it all...it can't stay in my head... like all of a sudden it's in a foreign language or something.

so I just keep swimming... doing laundry, coloring my hair, washing dishes and cleaning the kitchen... just keep swimming... just keep swimming...

I'm lying in my bed... (not literally) but as the expression goes... You've made your bed and now you have to lye in it (not the right version of lie but I'm too lazy to look up the grammatically correct version)...

Actually I don't want his help with the laundry. personally, I find folding laundry very therapeutic. Its like one of the only things in life that I do really really well... my grandfather taught me...

Its a good enough way we split the bills... it does force him every week to tell me how much money he has available to transfer... so he knows he's not paying his share.

i get things being a mess .maybe if you want to share some of what is going on we all might be able to help.is your T still on vacation or am i thinking of someone else

Thanks, granite... it's mostly relationship stuff. Nothing important. (Not saying relationship stuff is never important, just that this isn't.) Yes, T is on holiday for six more weeks, blast him.

I am going for a one-week crafting type course next week (book binding), which I do look forward to. I hope I will be able to relax and get away from my destructive thoughts and focus on what I am making with my hands - it should be possible, I think. I am not very good with my hands, and not very artistic, but I do so love beautiful books, and I love handling books, and I love paper, so I think this might be really really fun.

it does seem to hold him accountable doesn't it. i feel bad when my hubby pays for most bills because i don't work but i do stuff around the house when i am not hiding . but i know it is very different because we are not struggling financially .at all. it kind of drives me crazy trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me that with a husband who treats me like a queen. i live financially comfortable, i have a beautiful son i am so proud of .and yet i am always sad.so ungrateful and selfish for all this .god i should be on top of the world.my husband is my best friend,he has saved my life.i don't know what i would do with out him .yet i often feel i could never love him as much as he deserves.again all my stuff.
i see how much all my couch peeps deal with and sometimes i just feel so so small and selfish.i cant get some past experiences out of my head at this point and it shouldn't be like that at all.

i know when my T is away even the smallest things seem to be big and overwelming. i hope your hubby is treating you ok and is able to understand that things may be a bit more sensitive for you right now . be kind to you mast you do deserve it .and give yourself a break that is a long time to not have someone to talk to and help .

book binding .how cool is that .you will have to let me know how it goes and check in with us .i would so love to learn how to do that but dont do so well sleeping away from home for a week long thing like that

I will let you know, for sure - I may even post pictures if they are not too embarrassing (knowing how genuinely talented you and others here are!)

H is happily oblivious to my state of mind. (He doesn't know I see a therapist, so he has no idea that things are difficult for me, you see. Which is of course not his fault, it's my decision not to tell him.) He treats me really well, in every possible way.

I can relate to what you say, granite, and you are neither small nor selfish. Your issues are as important as anybody else's, and you have to deal with really difficult stuff.

Checking in on y'all. Lola...good to see you. Moving is HELL. To put it bluntly, but a fresh start rocks. I love the "unclutteredness" of a new place. I love finding a place to keep everything. I love new clean furnishings. Best of luck Lola.
(((mast))) (((chickie))) sorry to everyone feeling crappy.

I want to go for a swim, but everyone is griping that we are out of Eggplant "parm" and I honestly should make some. But DANG the water looks nice.

H stopped at an airport and signed up for a biplane tour this week. Grrrrr. Neither of us likes planes, so we don't fly places. We get along fine because of that. Now he is all bent on "conquering his fear". I can't help but think this is a dig at me for loosing it at the restaurant yesterday.

that just sounds so lonely for you mastdo you think he would reject you if he knew you were not the happiest person in the world???
i hope you are writing things down to share with your T when he returns from vacation

i so want to see pictures .my next big project is going to be paper marbling
paper marbling - Google Search

i say go swimming chica then worry about the parm.

you are not going flying are you??? why would hubby want to get a dig at something that is causing you so much pain ??

wikid, I bet he did not do it as a dig against you. Maybe I am biased here because I love flying (I used to hold a pilot's licence (but I've never had a driver's licence ) ) but to me it seems like he is wanting to simply lose some of his own anxiety.... it's not as if this means you have to go flying, or that you will start to fly places together. Perhaps he started thinking about his own fears when he saw your fear yesterday, but that doesn't mean he is belittling you. Right?

It is lonely, yes. But when I tried to tell him in the past, he told me that I was wrong about my own feelings, and I find it hard to argue with that. That's not because he is stupid or cruel or anything - he just goes by what he sees, and he can see very clearly that I am happy and well-adjusted. So I am avoiding the argument (and maybe he is in fact right!). Besides, if he were to find out that I have been lying to him about how I'm doing, he would probably reject me, possibly even leave me. And thirdly, and most importantly, if he were to believe me it would hurt him massively, and I won't do that.

This has been an ongoing conversation with T for several months now. But I am writing things down for when T returns, and it helps me a little.

"I've gotten myself to such a place that I can't remember a thing my t has said. I'm not even sure I can remember the reason that I wanted to go to T... Its like when I think about it all...it can't stay in my head... like all of a sudden it's in a foreign language or something."

But I guess its a good thing to keep myself shut down because I'm going to have to take a 2 to 3 month break from T anyway..