[boredporcupine]

This post has to do with my husband. We have been married two years. He is a caring person who truly loves me, but he struggles with a lot of things. He is currently on medication for ADHD and depression/generalized anxiety. He is also in therapy individually, along with couples T with me (and I am in T individually as well).

I have a number of complaints with him. One is that he is often irritable and anxious from his stress levels and takes it out on me. He also has poor follow-through with things he says he will do, like getting regular exercise. He seems to oscillate between feeling guilty about his own actions and mistreated by me with no room in between, sometimes even both at once.

Today he slept through his session with his individual T. He says he didn't hear his alarm. This is far from the first time this has happened; in fact he is rarely on time for his sessions as punctuality is not his strong point at all.

All this time I have listened to him saying he wants to change and improve and have held out hope that it would happen, even though I haven't seen a ton of evidence. But the other day I suddenly remembered something my own T told me. We were talking about the nature of work we were doing together, and she said that not everyone can do "this kind of work" (I think she means in-depth, psychodynamic, reparative work). Thinking back to that, it made me wonder if my H is one of those people who CAN'T do the more transformative work and therefore can only change in a limited way. Maybe I need to let go of my dream that he can change on a deep level and just accept I'm married to someone with struggles who will probably always have the same ones?

It makes me really sad, but on the other hand maybe accepting it would help me be less frustrated with him for not making very much progress?

[CantExplain]

((Porcupine))

Depression is terribly debilitating. To say that a depressed person has no follow-through is like saying a blind person can't see. Depression means living without hope.

That doesn't mean that you have to give up hope, however. I found Prozac kept me going until therapy cured me.

[Favorite Jeans]

Accepting is the way to go I think. You will only create frustration and resentment if you sit and wait for him to be someone else. That doesn't mean you can't ask him to change his behavior toward you (or pick up around the house or whatever.) But it helps to clarify what you can and cannot live with. What is a deal-breaker vs. where can you cut him some slack? Have you known him to be better that he is now? Is there good reason to think he might change? Would that change have to be at the level of insight from a psychodynamic process or would it be enough to have him address a few of the annoying behaviors that drive you nuts?

[boredporcupine]

Depression is terribly debilitating. To say that a depressed person has no follow-through is like saying a blind person can't see. Depression means living without hope.

Well, I don't believe he is clinically depressed at present. The meds were more for anxiety than depression, although I do think he had a little bit of the latter before going on them.

Have you known him to be better that he is now? Is there good reason to think he might change? Would that change have to be at the level of insight from a psychodynamic process or would it be enough to have him address a few of the annoying behaviors that drive you nuts?

I think he is "consistently inconsistent" and that is why it's so confusing. Sometimes he can be a wonderful husband and sometimes he is the opposite. But he always says he is willing to change his habits and yet he is very ineffective in doing so. The worst to me is how he is irritable at me, gets mad at me for very minor reasons and accuses me of stuff. It's things like he won't even speak to me just because I happened to close the dishwasher when he wanted it open.

I really don't care HOW he achieves it as long as he can stop taking stuff out on me. But just telling him not to be irritable doesn't help, so I've tried to ask him to do things to manage his stress (like getting exercise), but he doesn't do those consistently. Also, just telling him not to interpret everything I say and do in the most negative light possible hasn't helped much, but he doesn't seem excited to delve into whatever feelings of his own are causing him to interpret things that way.

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by boredporcupine

Also, just telling him not to interpret everything I say and do in the most negative light possible hasn't helped much, but he doesn't seem excited to delve into whatever feelings of his own are causing him to interpret things that way.

What does your couples therapist say? This seems like an issue ripe to work on in couples therapy. Has couples therapy been at all helpful? I do agree that just telling someone not to interpret things negatively rarely helps. I have known that sort of person and often they don't even see they are being negative or misinterpreting things. Even when you tell them the truth and set the record straight, so to speak, they still prefer to cling to their warped interpretation. I don't really get that, but a T should be able to help with that, I would think. It is the classic negative thinking pattern that CBT is good at dealing with. Has your husband tried CBT for help with his negative interpretations? Your H may not need to be capable of in depth, psychodynamic work in order to change. CBT has helped a lot of people!

I think what your H has going for him is that he wants to change. At least that is what he is saying. Many people don't want to change and so it is impossible, like leading a horse to water... But if your H wants to change, that is a really good start.

The irritation could be a lot of things--mood disorder, general life dissatisfaction, even personality. Is your husband irritable with everyone, or just you? Has he always had an irritable personality? Or just recently? SSRIs can really be helpful for irritation.

Your posts have a certain tone to them--like you have given up? Can you bring this to couples therapy and just say, "I am really worried things will never change. I don't want my marriage to be like this. I am wondering if I should just give up." Of course, those are my words, but I suggest being very frank in your couples sessions and expressing some of your hopelessness about the relationship.

Good luck.

[boredporcupine]

This seems like an issue ripe to work on in couples therapy. Has couples therapy been at all helpful?

Well, that is just it. In our last session, H kept saying stuff like "you (meaning me) are just saying I am irresponsible and a bad person, blah blah." Then I would look at the T and ask if he heard me say anything like that. He would say "no, I think you are saying blah blah..." But then after the session was over, H accused me again of spending the entire session talking about what was bad about him! I guess that is why my tone today is coming off a bit discouraged

Is your husband irritable with everyone, or just you? Has he always had an irritable personality? Or just recently? SSRIs can really be helpful for irritation.

He's irritable with everyone, but he takes it out on me worse than anyone else because I am closest. Yes the SNRI's he started a month or two ago have seemingly helped a lot. Another reason I am discouraged is he improved dramatically on them at first, and then in the last week he seems to have relapsed to some extent and I don't know why.

"I am really worried things will never change. I don't want my marriage to be like this. I am wondering if I should just give up."

When we first went in, I said I wanted to leave but I didn't have the means yet. That was honest. Things have since improved some because of medication but it still gets quite discouraging at times.

I guess I have experienced some major breakthroughs and huge improvements rather rapidly over the time I've been in therapy, and I was hoping for the same for my H, both because I see him suffering, and because he affects me, too. So I get impatient with his apparent lack of progress. But maybe I need to both accept that he might not make changes at the same rate I have, while also acknowledging that small and incremental changes can be possible.

[Perna]

I do not think there is any way you can tell if your husband can or cannot do something if he is not putting much effort in to do it. Before anyone can change they have to want to change and anyone can want to change. . . if they want But sounds like he isn't wanting it, there's no action to indicate that he does and thoughts/feelings/words don't cut it, just actions do.

But you should not be basing your life on what your husband does but on what you want for you. If he does not treat you how you want to be treated, then you have to decide what you want to do about that; you have to decide if he is putting in the effort to change enough to suit you for your life together, etc.

Everyone gets to run their own life. My husband's ex-wife complained that he wasn't making her happy. Well, that's not his job, that's hers but he did not enjoy living with the complaints and not being accepted for who he is so he divorced her! I recognize and accept him for who he is and we've been happily married for 23 years, his ex-wife is still not happy :-)

[boredporcupine]

But sounds like he isn't wanting it, there's no action to indicate that he does and thoughts/feelings/words don't cut it, just actions do.

Strangely I believe he does want to change. I just think he ALSO doesn't want to, or doesn't want to do what's necessary to change, or doesn't know how or it feels too hard or...