I Really Need Advice

...great. Now its something else to add onto my list of stresses.

Nothing to worry about, Bee. Unless you reveal something that demonstrates imminent threat of harm to yourself or anyone else, your T will keep confidentiality. There has to be the threat of current harm. Keep up your courageous work!!

In my country, a T who violated confidentiality by reporting a past crime, even if it were a bank robbery that happened yesterday, would lose their licence so fast they wouldn't know what hit them. Here, they are obliged to report if they believe that there is a risk of physical harm to the patient or someone else, in future, so if I tell my T that I beat my children ( I have no kids, this is a made-up example) he would have to report it not because of what I did in the past bug because there's a risk I'd do it again.

And laws vary between U.S. states as well as regards Ts' obligations to report. So it is actually much more sensible to trust your T than anything you read on the Internet.

Would it help to join a support group or forum for people who have a similar issue in their past? It might help you move past the shame to really see that there are other good people who have made those mistakes. I realize you're asking for advice on how to give your letter to T but it sounds like you're just so terrified of being further shamed and judged. It might be healing to find an anonymous context in which you get to experience compassion and understanding from people who have been there.

I don't think your T will see it like that, though. It's not like talking to a friend, when maybe they get impatient and ask you to get to the point. A good T will wait until YOU are ready. So you're not dangling it, because it's not about your T. You're telling your T that you have this stuff to share and you're not sure if you're ready. Your T shouldn't make that about her.

I have found it really helpful to talk about things like this. A few weeks ago, I sent my T an email about something and then freaked out and got it into my head that he wouldn't let me come in for my session if he'd read it, and that it would be awful walking past him into the room if he did let me. I texted asking him not to read it until I was there. So we had a conversation about why I was worried about that, how I felt, what I was scared of, and it helped a lot. It also helped to talk about whether I wanted to have him read it and then discuss it, or just have him read it and see that he didn't hate and reject me afterwards.

I don't know about the law where you are, but Ts are certainly not obliged to report all crimes or abuse reported to them. Historic events would not be reportable to my knowledge.

I'm sorry this is causing you so much anguish. I want you to know that, whether I've emailed something to my T, or handed it to him to read in a session, I have always felt better for just kind of getting rid of it and not being alone with it and seeing that it can be in the room with us.

I've done many terrible things in life.
believe me when I say I got a list longer than my arm.
you're nervous about it because you care about what your therapist thinks.
consider that first.
consider if it'll destroy your sense of safety.
then make your decision.

I would keep writing and rewriting the five pages until I was comfortable with my own material. Then I would continue writing and rewriting until I had it condensed into four or five paragraphs of material I was comfortable with. Then I would start with paragraph 1 and share/talk about a paragraph a week and on week 5/6 I'd present and review the whole thing and talk about it until T and I were satisfied we were finished with the material.

Alleged crimes committed in the past are done; cannot be undone. I abused my first cat. That cat lived to be 17 or so and died a natural death, I think he and I had a wonderful relationship in the end. My stepmother abused me; I'm going to be 63 in October. She has been dead 12+ years and much was "fixed" in me and our relationship through therapy and our ongoing relationship over 45 years. The past is what our life is made up of but is only actionable in the present with our talking about it, discussing it with those who care for/about us, etc. No one action, one event is all of our life or all of a relationship with another.

My stepmother and I are not "just" abusers, not just parent/child, pet owners, 5 years old or 62 years old. Our relationship is not the only relationship either of us had over the years. I still remember the shock of visiting my mother's grave (she died when I was 3) and her headstone was in her maiden name and it became clear to me she was not just my mother, she had had a rich 40 years of life without me before I was born. I was only the center of my mother's universe when she and I were relating to one another, not before, after, or when she was relating to my father or brothers, her mother, brother, sister-in-law, etc.

I try not to take any one moment too seriously. It is my life so I am going to see things as larger in my rear view mirror than they actually are?

But it was long ago and it was far away,
Oh God it seems so very far
And if life is just a highway,
Then the soul is just a car
And objects in the rear view mirror
May appear closer than they are

~Meat Loaf

What if you emailed it to her along with the options in your post and let her decide what the best option would be.

if you are going to make the "Leap of Faith" by giving her the letter why not go all the way and trust her judgement on what to do with the letter.

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Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans Would it help to join a support group or forum for people who have a similar issue in their past? It might help you move past the shame to really see that there are other good people who have made those mistakes...it might be healing to find an anonymous context in which you get to experience compassion and understanding from people who have been there. I like the idea of a support group in general, but I don't do well with groups of people (though i'm very sociable online and among my close knits, I completely shut up around anyone who I think can judge me and I can see the judgement). I didn't even think there would be a support group for that kind of thing, but I googled it and apparantly there is lol. I wouldn't do it, but I do think it can be helpful for many other people Thanks

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Originally Posted by tinyrabbit I don't think your T will see it like that, though. It's not like talking to a friend, when maybe they get impatient and ask you to get to the point. A good T will wait until YOU are ready... I think that she would definitely wait patiently, and I feel like she would probably assist me in helping me determine when exactly I would be ready. Thanks for helping me remember that. ...A few weeks ago, I sent my T an email about something and then freaked out and got it into my head that he wouldn't let me come in for my session if he'd read it, and that it would be awful walking past him into the room if he did let me. I texted asking him not to read it until I was there... Lol, yes this is one of the reasons I am slow to email it. Because once its gone it's gone. Although I will say that sometimes (for me at least) the "just throw it out there and see where it goes" technique often does work for me. I don't know about the law where you are, but Ts are certainly not obliged to report all crimes or abuse reported to them. Historic events would not be reportable to my knowledge. Yeah, I think thats this would be considered historical, as it's all happened around the age of 10-13 (i'm 25 now). I'm sorry this is causing you so much anguish. I want you to know that, whether I've emailed something to my T, or handed it to him to read in a session, I have always felt better for just kind of getting rid of it and not being alone with it and seeing that it can be in the room with us. Having it "be in the room with us" is the scariest part of all. But if it all goes well I feel like I could honestly tell her anything else.

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Originally Posted by Mastodon ...Here, they are obliged to report if they believe that there is a risk of physical harm to the patient or someone else, in future...And laws vary between U.S. states as well as regards Ts' obligations to report. So it is actually much more sensible to trust your T than anything you read on the Internet. Yeah, I was a little surprised that she would have to contact a relative if I was sui verses "forcing me to go inpatient". And i've had her (in the first few sessions) go over what she has to report and what she has not multiple times (at one point she was just like, "ok, obviously this is a big deal to you, so tell me a situation you think I would have to report...") and now I think I have a pretty clear understanding that these things I tell her should not be reported...

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Originally Posted by FeelTheBurn Nothing to worry about, Bee. Unless you reveal something that demonstrates imminent threat of harm to yourself or anyone else, your T will keep confidentiality. There has to be the threat of current harm. Keep up your courageous work!! Thanks FeelTheBurn

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Originally Posted by IndieVisible as long as you know, it's up to you. Was not my intent to scare u or worry u, only educate u. I hope my reaction didn't offend you. I do appreciate that. I'd much rather be educated than walk into yet another trap.

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Originally Posted by nothingtolivefor ...you're nervous about it because you care about what your therapist thinks. consider that first. consider if it'll destroy your sense of safety. then make your decision. I do care about what she thinks. And I think my sense of safety will be based completely on her reaction.

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Originally Posted by Perna I would keep writing and rewriting the five pages until I was comfortable with my own material. Then I would continue writing and rewriting until I had it condensed into four or five paragraphs of material I was comfortable with. Then I would start with paragraph 1 and share/talk about a paragraph a week... Lol, well I finally finished the letter and it totalled eleven pages. I tend to need to explain things, provide excuses really, in order to truly convey my point. My best friend told me that when I condense stories i leave out important details and go from point A to point L to point Z, leaving the listener knowing pretty much nothing. Alleged crimes committed in the past are done; cannot be undone... No one action, one event is all of our life or all of a relationship with another...I still remember the shock of visiting my mother's grave...and it became clear to me she was not just my mother...I was only the center of my mother's universe when she and I were relating to one another, not before, after, or when she was relating to my father or brothers, her mother, brother, sister-in-law, etc. This is a very good point. I think i've built my world around this little point, and I honestly am ready to live free of it. It affects where I go, who I talk to, etc. Because I know people who knew me at the time, and don't want them to see me and bring up anything - and then I choose not to go places because I may just may run into somebody who knew what I did ten years ago and it just piles up more and more... But it was long ago and it was far away, Oh God it seems so very far And if life is just a highway, Then the soul is just a car And objects in the rear view mirror May appear closer than they are ~Meat Loaf Thank you Perna. Those lyrics are perfect.

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Originally Posted by Mike_J What if you emailed it to her along with the options in your post and let her decide what the best option would be...if you are going to make the "Leap of Faith" by giving her the letter why not go all the way and trust her judgement on what to do with the letter. You know, this might just be a good idea.

Sweetie between 10 & 13? You were just a kid. Your brain wasn't fully developed. When a kid does something "bad" it's usually because they're missing something they really need or they have been hurt really badly. They aren't being protected or guided or listened to in some important way. Don't be so hard on yourself. I'm pretty certain your T won't judge you too harshly about something you did as a child. I'm pretty sure lots of people wouldn't.

It wasn't "bad" it was bad and I was well aware of what I was doing. I wish I could use the excuses you offer, but even my mom told me that I brought those problems on myself. I really hope T can help me.

UPDATE

So, I spoke with T today letting her know that I was struggling with deciding if and when I should give her the now 11 page letter. She went over why I felt the way she received it and when she read, etc. was important to me. And ultimately said she would really like to have the letter. I went on to tell her how that really didn't give me the answer I was looking for. She said that the decision would be mine. I told her I don't want the decision to be mine. I want her to tell me what to do. Of course she wouldn't tell me what to do, but she did say that she would really like to have the letter even if we were not going to address the topics at that time (my request). She also said giving her the letter may make me more comfortable in talking about the situation since it will already be in the air, and ultimately she would like to lighten my load and carry this burden with me. So I haven't decided in what format I will give it to her, but I have decided that I will give it to her, and she said she will follow any conditions I give her (shredding it, returning it to me, reading it when i'm there, reading it when i'm not, etc.) We agreed that ultimately this will be a test in trust and she knows that i've been betrayed and manipulated much in my past, so this would be a good way to see that all relationships are not like that. She said she would not judge me or hold anything against me, and because I am an adult there is nothing validly able to be reported in there, so that's not an issue. She agreed not to keep it in my file, and she says her case notes are very very vague, and that would not be in it. So...sometime this week, i'll be getting it to her. =]

Well done, tBb.

I hear so much less tension in your voice, and some clarity and resolve for moving forward. Nice job!!
Your T sounds very patient and respectful.

Thanks guys! I feel so much better. It helped that I went to t in a pretty relaxed mood (i asked her a lot of questions i'd been holding in for a few weeks, almost back to back lol). Yes Syra, she really is! We talked about everything calmly and thoroughly and she was very receptive and honest. And the conversation was as casual as it is right now chatting with you guys