[knowthyself9]

I have a T who I have been seeing for ages (on and off) and is a great fit for me. We have emailed throughout my working with her. I speak very openly in these emails, saying things I have trouble saying in person...I considered those communications very private, akin to a journal. I use it to get things out and learn more about myself.

My partner does not like the fact that I'm in therapy (she has at various times accused me of being in love with my T...ironic since that has never been the kind of feelings I have toward my T). I've introduced her, we've done couples sessions with her, nothing has really helped. Now the worst has happened. She went on my computer and read through some of my emails with my T. She was enraged that I was having an emotional connection with someone who wasn't her.

I can't begin to describe how violated I feel. How can our relationship ever feel even again when she has had access to my private thoughts/things I feel vulnerable about/things I haven't even fully figured out yet? She's not particularly sorry -- she feels justified that she's "caught me". Assuming I want to, how do I ever get past this? Should I?

Is it wrong to have strong emotional connections with a T? Is that unfair to your spouse? Can your spouse really fulfill every emotional need you have?

Making matters worse, I don't feel like I can process this in therapy for obvious reasons, so feeling quite lost here. Any ideas would be great. (Yes, I have since upped my password protection to prevent future violations.)

[CantExplain]

((KT9))

Hello and welcome!

A therapist told me that it is quite common for a spouse to be jealous in this way.

Certainly I can't approve of your partner reading your private emails, although I must admit my wife reads mine! But that's different. I allow her to, and she isn't jealous of my therapist.

Is it possible that your partner is scared that your therapist will encourage you to dissolve your partnership? That would be a serious and valid fear. I don't know what to do about that though. Reassurance might work, but she might not believe you.

Good luck!

Different relationships are different. I do not tell my spouse I'm in therapy, and when I have been in therapy in the past and he did know about it, he was never curious about who my therapist was or what I was doing there. It seems extremely painful to have your partner be jealous of your therapy relationship - I'm sure it is common, but it seems so unnecessary and hurtful.

For me, reading somebody's personal email is a huge privacy violation. I'm really sorry that your partner can't see this, but again, different people have different boundaries.

Can your spouse really fulfill every emotional need you have?

I think every piece of relationship advice I've ever read, as well as my own experience, says a very strong NO on this one. An expectation that your spouse ought to fill all your emotional needs would place an unfair burden on your spouse as well as on you.

[edited to add: I don't mean to imply that you have that expectation... but maybe your spouse does?]

I'm sorry this has happened to you.

[unaluna]

I will admit I'm dense. Why wont you talk to your t about this? Maybe go for couples counseling again? Is this relationship worth saving? What's going on really? Is your partner looking for a reason to break up? Do they want to destroy you and your relationship with your t before they leave? Am I too suspicious??

[TippPatt]

Wow. That was a huge violation of your privacy. No, a spouse wouldn't and couldn't fill every emotional need of their partner. To even ask that is unbelievable. I've always taken couples as each having a separate life and coming together to create a third life, not one life consisting of only them. I can't even imagine the 'one' life thing. How boring would that be? To me, very.

Now, as to the violation of your email privacy: to me, this would be a big deal. I'd have to take my partner in to see my therapist and to discuss the matter up front. No, your partner shouldn't be absolved of this intrusion and yes, both you and your therapist deserve to be able to speak openly to one another without fear of being spied upon.

If it were me, that appointment would be an immediate priority.

[nicoleflynn]

Therapy is an intense, emotional bonding situation. It is normal to feel connected....it is a relationship like no other. There is an excellent book called, "Boundaries." We all need them....physical and emotional boundaries are necessary in life. She didn't "catch" you....you aren't her child and you weren't doing anything wrong. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they simply are. If she doesn't recognize what she did was wrong/inappropriate, I don't know how you will get past this. A good thing for you to talk about with your t!

[knowthyself9]

Thanks for all the replies. I'm still processing them.

The reason I thought I couldn't process this in therapy was that my partner doesn't want me to do therapy in the first place, that therapy was the cause of this argument, and that more therapy would be defying her wishes/cause more arguments. She won't go to couples with me...though perhaps I could push her to if I found a new, 3rd party T to talk with us.

I just don't even know how to fully explain/be comfortable with the T relationship stuff to myself, and now I feel like it's put on the table for me to justify to my partner. Not ready for this and yet forced into it cause we can't go backwards.

[sweepy62]

My h and I are always having arguments he wants complete access to my records so that my t can disclose everything my t is female I also have a connection with my t but I would have certainly been very upset if I was in your position

[Melody_Bells]

Knowthyself9, if I were you I would feel so upset, violated, naked, and mad. This is absolutely not OK! Your partner needs to respect your privacy. You did everything to make her feel respected, even introduced her to your T. I feel for you. I'm not sure why you can't talk to your T about this? You really need support through this situation.

[critterlady]

[QUOTE=knowthyself9;3237561
The reason I thought I couldn't process this in therapy was that my partner doesn't want me to do therapy in the first place, that therapy was the cause of this argument, and that more therapy would be defying her wishes/cause more arguments. She won't go to couples with me...though perhaps I could push her to if I found a new, 3rd party T to talk with us.
[/QUOTE]

It doesn't sound to me like therapy was the cause of the argument at all. It sounds a lot more like the cause was your partner's almost crippling insecurity. She violated your privacy in a huge way, but is blaming you for your (very normal) connection with your therapist. I think this is definitely something you should work through with your therapist.

[knowthyself9]

Originally Posted by critterlady

It doesn't sound to me like therapy was the cause of the argument at all. It sounds a lot more like the cause was your partner's almost crippling insecurity. She violated your privacy in a huge way, but is blaming you for your (very normal) connection with your therapist. I think this is definitely something you should work through with your therapist.

Thank you for saying this. It is what I needed to hear. She has turned it around, that I am the one who did something wrong, not her. I think you are right about her insecurity...probably what we need to work on together if we/I can get to that point...right now I'm too caught up in my own emotions to be to that point.

[knowthyself9]

Originally Posted by Melody_Bells

Knowthyself9, if I were you I would feel so upset, violated, naked, and mad. This is absolutely not OK! Your partner needs to respect your privacy. You did everything to make her feel respected, even introduced her to your T. I feel for you. I'm not sure why you can't talk to your T about this? You really need support through this situation.

Yes, this is it exactly. Thank you for saying it. I do feel like I need support to get through this productively (rather than just putting up a complete wall)...since I'm not allowed to talk to my T (according to her) I'm looking for new avenues...but hard to find real life people since it's so private (to me)...thanks again for responding.

Something similar happened to me and my partner was also very jealous of my T connection and accused me of an emotional affair. At the end of the day her reaction was her issues and insecurity. A relationship with a T is one with no judgement or expectation, a sounding board for inner thought and processing. Your partner is not a professional and not equip to deal with the things you deal with in therapy. Sounds to me like your partner needs to take a look at her own feelings and realize that she can't be the sole emotional support of you. It would be overwhelming and unfair to her to attempt to do so. As for processing this with T, why not.... I did and it was very helpful in explaining things to my partner. Good luck.

[Perna]

Some people are just too curious and/or nosy for their own good, cannot stand to feel left out or like someone may be talking about them. It is never right to read anything another has written someone else without their consent. It cannot further/help a relationship.

I hope you have discussed this breach of privacy/personal space with your partner and gotten her to understand she cannot do anything like this again or you will have to leave. What your partner thinks of therapy is her opinion for her use and is not about you and what you are doing in therapy.

I do not understand why you feel you cannot discuss this issue with T; it doesn't really matter if it is your partner, your parent, your child, your lover or your friend who has invaded your personal space; there is a boundary there that you need to make clear and that you should not allow to be crossed. Find your anger and stick with it until it is resolved; there is no defense or excuse. It is like people who steal because "it is there". Spying and invading another person's privacy is not grown up or acceptable in a relationship.

[tinyrabbit]

I'm so sorry this happened. I think your partner is being very unreasonable.

[knowthyself9]

Update: Thanks to everyone who pushed me to contact T. For some reason I felt like the right thing to do was to work it out without dragging her in. But I did talk to her, she said all the right things, it was very soothing. I'm hoping talking to her will help me deal with my feelings about being violated, etc., so that then I'll be in a better place to work with my partner on a solution. I really do think that me having a compassionate, kind person to talk to helps me be more compassionate and kind when dealing with others. Anyway, it was really a positive move to talk to her so thanks again. (PS Sorry that there is a lag before my posts go up -- I have read everyone's comments and found them really helpful.)

[wotchermuggle]

You should be able to have a meaningful, confidential relationship with your therapist.

However, therapy is meant to be a temporary part of our lives. Do you want your wife to become the person you lean on for support or find other relationships to help you manage in life? Your primary relationship with your therapist should be helping to develop these....not to be reinforcing you to hide from your wife or have your therapeutic relationship be the solitary reliable relationship in your life.

No, she shouldn't have read them, but if you think about it, it's pretty damn intimidating to have a significant other be so caught up in a relationship that is not with that significant other.

[Favorite Jeans]

Originally Posted by TippPatt

I'd have to take my partner in to see my therapist and to discuss the matter up front. No, your partner shouldn't be absolved of this intrusion and yes, both you and your therapist deserve to be able to speak openly to one another without fear of being spied upon.

If it were me, that appointment would be an immediate priority.

I'm curious about the practice of using your individual therapist as a couple's therapist also. I can see bringing a partner or spouse to a session here or there to discuss the primary client's issues (eg what does the partner observe when the primary client is depressed/using/grieving etc) but not doing couple's work when the therapist's primary allegiance is (as it should be) with one half of the couple. To my mind this creates a very dangerous triangle and is unfair to the partner.

Just to be clear, I think reading your email is a huge violation of your privacy and I'm not sure how I'd cope in your shoes. I think that if you feel that this is ?(or may be) a relationship you want to save, it would be a great idea to see a therapist together. But make it a different therapist who doesn't have an outside relationship with either one of you. Bringing your partner to your therapist would likely only serve to make her feel more threatened and excluded.

If you decide you want to save your relationship, how could you go about building more intimacy with your partner? Of course she can't meet all your emotional needs but that's kind of a red herring. What she is saying is that she doesn't feel close enough to you and is jealous of the closeness you have with your T. She needs to learn how therapy works and maybe she needs her own individual therapist to understand that emotional intimacy is a really important part of the therapeutic relationship for many people. But maybe once you get past the sense of betrayal you also need to hear her saying she needs something she isn't getting.

I'm assuming with all this talk about emotional intimacy and couple's T that this intrusion is not part of a larger pattern of controlling or abusive behaviour. If it is, and if you feel monitored and spied on or constantly on the receiving end of jealous rage well, that's another story. Then you need to run.

[ECHOES]

What kind of partner invades your privacy and controls your relationships? You absolutely have the right to privacy and the right to private relationships. Your feelings toward your therapist are not your partner's business. Your partner is insecure and controlling. I'm flabbergasted that your partner would do this.

[Fuzzybear]

This is so not cool! Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Gentle hugs to you

[TippPatt]

So, is there any update to add to this saga? I'm curious what's taken place since the OP, if anything....

[knowthyself9]

Originally Posted by wotchermuggle

However, therapy is meant to be a temporary part of our lives. Do you want your wife to become the person you lean on for support or find other relationships to help you manage in life?

So many good questions here. Is it meant to be temporary? I think my T is fine with me seeing her for as long as I wish. I rarely see her these days, more on an as needed basis. It might stay like that. Also, must it be "OR", or could it be "AND", could it be my partner is someone I lean on for support and I also find other relationships to help me manage in life. And who am I supposed to talk to when me and my partner are having problems? If I confide in a friend, I'm revealing things my partner wants me to be confidential. To me a T seems a safer outlet.

Sorry I don't know how to multi-quote...

Favorite Jeans -- "If you decide you want to save your relationship, how could you go about building more intimacy with your partner? Of course she can't meet all your emotional needs but that's kind of a red herring. What she is saying is that she doesn't feel close enough to you and is jealous of the closeness you have with your T." - Yes, it is worth saving and yes I think you are exactly right in saying that she feels she wants more intimacy. Working on it... I don't think red herring is quite right, but I see your other points.

TippPatt-- I posted an update up thread a bit. Talking to my T helped me a lot. Because of that, I plan to continue speaking with her, as feels right to me. I do understand that my partner was acting out of what someone above termed "crippling insecurity"...I'm trying to work with her on creating more time for us, more intimacy in our relationship, etc. so that she won't feel so suspicious. I have done nothing to make her suspicious (if anything, it is her behavior that is more secretive/dishonest), and in the past she has gone through my things, so it's sort of more her behavior that needs to be examined, IMO. But I do understand the longing for intimacy and I'm not as angry anymore and am trying to work with her. Hopefully I don't get taken advantage of by being so forgiving...

[Miswimmy1]

Originally Posted by knowthyself9

I can't begin to describe how violated I feel. How can our relationship ever feel even again when she has had access to my private thoughts/things I feel vulnerable about/things I haven't even fully figured out yet? She's not particularly sorry -- she feels justified that she's "caught me". Assuming I want to, how do I ever get past this? Should I?

Is it wrong to have strong emotional connections with a T? Is that unfair to your spouse? Can your spouse really fulfill every emotional need you have?

I think this is a perfect example of where technology can either hinder or help the theraputic relationship, and in this case, its the former. You have to be very careful with technology because you never know who might read it. I think you have a right to feel violated. How did she get into your email tho? Did you leave it open? Does she know the password?

As with any relationship, I think the best thing to do is talk about it with your partner. Tell her how you feel and what you would have liked to happen differently. I advise you though, to use "I" statements, so she doesn't feel like you are accusing her. That might help make things so that you can have a rational conversation.