[Butterflying]

Saw T today. I slipped and messaged him once in two weeks and he was mad. He said it was affecting therapy--the way he feels is affecting his ability to do therapy. He got angry and kind of got this mean face like he was holding back yelling at me. I just felt so bad I cried hard all the way home (an hour). I've been seeing him for like ten years. He gets annoyed if I don't do all the things he expects like have an agenda, fill out a diary card, take my meds even if the pharm didnt send them, etc. it's all annoying. I guess I just bother him. The thing is, I've always looked up to him, trusted him, and wanted to be close. I just textd too much. Today I deleted his cell phone number. He doesn't want me. I'm so hurt and sad. I don't try to bug him on purpose. I guess I wanted too much. I don't know if I should leave for good--if I did I'm sure he wouldn't even call me. I always loved him--in the way that I'm grateful and care and felt trust. But now I feel shame, guilt, like a failure. It's hard to bear that he is so annoyed that its interfering with therapy.

I don't think he wants to be there for me. I feel so alone. I need to just quit now I guess. My problems will be my own to solve. It feels awful to know you aren't wanted. I'm still mourning the loss of my mom four months ago. We never talk about it because we talk about my bad behavior texting too much. I feel like I'm losing everything.

[RTerroni]

Wow that is very sad, maybe it is time to move on.

[H3rmit]

That doesn't sound like good T behaviour. I'm sorry you are going through this. I looked at your post because I cried that much the past 2 days and felt that way, so I know how that feels. But for different reasons.

[Freewilled]

Is there anyway that you can go see a new T, just to get an outside perspective? It might help to process these feelings with someone new

[Melody_Bells]

Butterflying, You have been through so much, if I were you I would feel sad and cry too. I am so sorry, I hope you're able to find a better T. He doesn't sound sensitive in this case, there is a reason you texted him so much, he could've explored the reasons and helped you to work through them. Especially understandable since you lost your mom...I can't imagine how much you have already gone through.

[Hopelesspoppy]

That is just mean. He has a real nasty streak. If he cannot be patient and supportive of you after all these years, it is time that you realize that YOU deserve better. So truly sorry.

[CantExplain]

Sounds a bit like me and Madame T.
Speculation: there may be a limit on how far a T relationship can grow.
I moved on after nearly ten years. Still don't know if that is permanent, but I certainly needed both a break and a change.

[FeelTheBurn]

Wow. So his feelings are affecting his ability to do therapy? Then he'd better get his *** to a supervisor and straighten that business out. That is NOT your problem, nor is it right or fair for him to let you have it in session. Even if you "broke the rules" by texting or whatever, he needs to find a better way to enforce those boundaries than by being angry. I'm sorry you are in pain over this.

That said, maybe CE is right, ten years is a good long time, and perhaps there is a limit to therapy. Maybe, especially since you are in relatively fresh grief over the loss of your mom, a brief break and a visit to a different T would give you a renewed dose of empathy and a kind shoulder, free of baggage, to cry on. Doesn't mean you have to permanently can your present T, but maybe a little break and someone to see you with new eyes would be a good alternative to fighting for his attention during this difficult time.

[learning1]

Sorry Butterflying. Will you be able to get your meds soon?

[Butterflying]

Re meds: the pharmacy called. Probably a problem with the meds. I didnt sleep. Well. I deserve punishment. I'm just not good enough. I deleted my Ts phone number so I would never be tempted to text. I've disappointed him. Just like I've disappointed everyone. I don't want to ask for help anymore from anyone. I loved him. We had done so much work together and now it's ending like this.

Thank you all for your support and responses. It means a lot.

[Melody_Bells]

Butterflying, you sound very nice and articulate, please be kind to yourself. You didn't disappoint him, he disappointed you! You loved him but he didn't respond the way you expected. You were only reaching out to him, counting on him for support. Please take care and take some time to nap/ do something soothing.

[tinyrabbit]

I think it's time for a new T. I'm so sorry.

[Nightlight]

Have you talked to him about the way this affects you?

I hate angry sessions. They're awful and I don't cope well afterwards. There was a time when my therapist described herself as being very reactive towards me (to the point where it might have been better to stop seeing me for a month or so, she said). I've seen my therapist for 4.5 years now and I do think that sometimes after a great amount of time, therapists end up showing more of themselves as flawed individuals. Sometimes people are just angry or short tempered, sometimes it really is just all of their stuff, but when that anger is coming from a therapist, it can feel very hurtful.

I was in the middle of one of the worst times in my life when I was dealing with the anger from my therapist and there were all sorts of things that happened that didn't help at all. One small example was when she misinterpreted something I said. She'd told me she'd be away for 3 weeks or so and that she'd see me on her first day back, but when she got out her diary some weeks later, she looked at it for a long time and I knew I wasn't written in. She finally gave me the day after she'd originally suggested. Barely clinging on and surviving each day, I mentioned how sad that made me feel. She got so angry at me for expecting her to come in one day early (she'd clearly changed her mind about the day she was starting back). She talked very loudly over the top of me and her face lost so much expression that for a few seconds I actually thought she wasn't being serious. If I ever thought highly enough of myself that I wanted (but of course never expected) her to come just for me we should probably throw a party. Of course, in reality I thought no such thing (and I guess I never will now)!

They don't always get things right and sometimes their own stuff does get in the way. I'm actually seeing a second therapist at the moment for another reason, but I've really realised that it helps take the focus off everything all needing to come from only one person who is so important.

[ultramar]

I think more than anything, he has disappointed *you* Butterflying and I know this can be very painful. By continuing to text, do you think you're maybe 'testing' him in a way, to see how he will react, if he will continue to be supportive, if he won't abandon you, etc.?

It's possible he's not 'angry' with you, per se, just disappointed, but it certainly *feels* like anger, though this is an important distinction to make. Part of therapy can be learning to cope with disappointing and being disappointed -it's a very tough road.

I hope you talk to him about how you're feeling -that you feel he's angry, that he doesn't want to continue seeing you. I think in sharing all of these feelings with him, you may well get the reassurance you need.

You mentioned doing 'diary cards' in therapy -is he a DBT therapist? I was thinking that maybe, if you haven't already, you could join a DBT group, which may give you some extra support.

I think you should find someone new. Someone who won't hurt you like this. Therapy is not supposed to be about them hurting us. I was in therapy for seven years with what I thought was a very kind, caring person and now he has just basically dumped me very suddenly. I cannot even think of finding someone new so I know how hard that would be, but it sounds like he's hurting more than helping at this point.

[franki_j]

Hi Butterflying. I'm so sorry you're hurting so much. Ten years is a really long time to be with a T.

I think you should get a new T. At the very least you should have an appointment with another T to help you get perspective.

His job is to help you, not hurt you. He seems he have forgotten that.

[ultramar]

I think it's a little quick/extreme to suggest leaving this therapist going on so little information. Often times we (people) *perceive* 'anger' when that is not what is being expressed. And especially if we already think we deserve punishment in the first place. And if there is anger, sometimes that can be worked out.

I think the important thing is to share the perception with the therapist and work from there. It has happened so so many times on this forum that what someone *thought* their therapist thought of them, how they were acting towards them, after discussion and time, turned out not to be the case.

Butterflying, you feel you need to be punished, and this is so sad. I think this is coloring your response to your therapist, and really needs to be shared with him. You don't deserve to be punished, and I doubt this is his intent. I get the impression, from the little information I have, that at least in part he is trying to help and protect you. Maybe he was disappointed (maybe not) and that can be very hard to take in, especially from our therapists. I'm sure you've talked about it before, but it sounds like asking him why he doesn't think it's good for you to text merits another discussion. And when you do, how you two can work it out without you feeling so terrible.

How we relate to/respond to our therapists can reflect how we function in relationships in our day to day lives and it can be so helpful to work it out in the safety of therapy. It sounds like you don't feel very safe with him at the moment, though --I hope you regain this and can be reassured that you *don't* deserve punishment, you deserve caring, from your therapist and others.

[WePow]

I am so sorry.

[Butterflying]

Thank you for the thoughtful replies. I'm not sure what todo at this point. Part of me says leave and part says stay. I have already done a DBT class. Now he says we aren't doing DBT but he is using parts of it. I feel like he has a lot of rules like I have to have an agenda ready, talking about the past is not really ok, if I binge or self harm we have to do a chain analysis where we analyze it step by step, I'm not supposed to use swear words, if I did text even if it is suicidal thoughts, I have to text what I've done to help myself first, or he won't answer, I cannot play with something or fidget while we talk, I need to notice when time is up and be ready to leave--if he goes over he mentions it and expects me to tell him he is flexible, I'm not supposed to be late, but if he is I'm supposed to understand....all these "rules" are supposed to be remembered and followed. If I don't remember it's therapy interfering behavior. But he is offended if I say it doesn't feel like I'm allowed to make mistakes.