[growlithing]

I don't know why I am still posting here. I don't know why I keep going to my sessions. My T can't save me. No one can. I'm completely lost in this maze full of pain and no one really knows the way out. I feel like I have completely given up and I'm just going through the motions at this point.

Maybe a small part of me is clinging on to a little bit of hope and that is why I'm still crossing the street to see my T twice a week. Maybe I just want to feel like someone cares even if it is fake. I don't even care if I get better at this point.

[lucky2001]

Originally Posted by growlithing

I don't know why I am still posting here. I don't know why I keep going to my sessions. My T can't save me. No one can. I'm completely lost in this maze full of pain and no one really knows the way out. I feel like I have completely given up and I'm just going through the motions at this point.

Maybe a small part of me is clinging on to a little bit of hope and that is why I'm still crossing the street to see my T twice a week. Maybe I just want to feel like someone cares even if it is fake. I don't even care if I get better at this point.

I feel like that a lot of the time. Like there's no way out. Did you talk about it with your T? Please keep going to sessions and posting here. It helps me when i post here cause i can see that i'm not the only one feeling like that.

[growlycat]

How did things go the last time you saw your t? Anything happen that made you feel worse?

A really bad session can trigger these feelings.

[0w6c379]

When you are suffering like this it helps to keep seeing your T and talking things through. You are a realist and understand that no one can fix everything in your life. That is commendable. Sometimes we just have to keep "going through the motions" as you say, until life circumstances change for us. Sometimes T can help us see things differently and sometimes they are just there for support. Hopefully, your T shows you support and respect. If they do, then they care. Keep going. T's can help us get through some very difficult times in life. A little bit of hope is a good thing.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by growlycat

How did things go the last time you saw your t? Anything happen that made you feel worse?

A really bad session can trigger these feelings.

I saw her today (well technically yesterday). I kept spacing out and I really don't know why. I remember walking in, she was a bit of a mess so I teased her (affectionately- she laughed). I had gone into the health center the day previous because I was having an emergency. I had another T call mine and I told her a little bit of what happened. Well, when we talked about it today, she had forgotten that I had said my self harming lasted for about six hours. That was a little weird to me. How do you just forget about that stuff? Then we talked about what happened and I got increasingly more and more upset by something and I don't remember what. My session ran over about 10mins because I started telling her that I am scared of seriously hurting myself accidentally. I then started talking about urges I was having at that moment. She told me to go hang out with friends and said she had to leave. I think she felt bad about leaving me to cope with that on my own because she came out of her room and watched me walk away. I don't know. I wish I could remember what happened in the session. I was really foggy and spacey. I remember she kept having to bring me back.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Michelle25

When you are suffering like this it helps to keep seeing your T and talking things through. You are a realist and understand that no one can fix everything in your life. That is commendable. Sometimes we just have to keep "going through the motions" as you say, until life circumstances change for us. Sometimes T can help us see things differently and sometimes they are just there for support. Hopefully, your T shows you support and respect. If they do, then they care. Keep going. T's can help us get through some very difficult times in life. A little bit of hope is a good thing.

I'm not going to stop going. I'd miss my T if I stopped going. The dean of my school would also hunt me down and force me back into therapy if I stopped going lol. They consider me to be a "high risk student" whatever the **** that means. I'm not in serious danger of killing myself.

Originally Posted by growlithing

I'm not going to stop going. I'd miss my T if I stopped going. The dean of my school would also hunt me down and force me back into therapy if I stopped going lol. They consider me to be a "high risk student" whatever the **** that means. I'm not in serious danger of killing myself.

You are in serious danger of doing great damage to yourself because of your SH and your impulsiveness though; you said as much to your therapist and it sounds like the health center is also well aware of how poorly you are doing. As a "high risk student", you need to understand that the school will take action to have you hospitalized if they decide you are at risk.

What can you do to try to turn things around for yourself right now? It sounds like you are just giving up and giving in to every impulse, and that isn't going to work out well for you.

Please ask your T to help you come up with a plan to get your behaviors under control so that you can regain some semblance of control in your life. She CAN help you come up with some clear steps and skills for managing yourself so that you do stay safe.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

You are in serious danger of doing great damage to yourself because of your SH and your impulsiveness though; you said as much to your therapist and it sounds like the health center is also well aware of how poorly you are doing. As a "high risk student", you need to understand that the school will take action to have you hospitalized if they decide you are at risk.

What can you do to try to turn things around for yourself right now? It sounds like you are just giving up and giving in to every impulse, and that isn't going to work out well for you.

Please ask your T to help you come up with a plan to get your behaviors under control so that you can regain some semblance of control in your life. She CAN help you come up with some clear steps and skills for managing yourself so that you do stay safe.

She talked about hospitalization today when I mentioned my concerns with my SH. I will not go back there. I'd much rather die than go back there and then try to explain why I was in the hospital to my damn mother. She still makes fun of me for the first time I was there.

I'm not super impulsive... I didn't SH today.

I am telling her. I don't know if she can actually help me. I'm still not convinced. She always says "we need to come up with a plan" and then never offers a plan more in depth than deep breathing.

That could be because you keep spacing out and not staying present. It's hard to come up with a plan and help you learn coping skills if you aren't "there" in your sessions.

You are super impulsive and in danger if your SH sessions are going on as you describe them - 6 hours does not bode well for your own safety. One day free of self harm doesn't show safety yet.

Saying you'd rather be dead than go back into the hospital also is not a sign of being safe on your own. If you really do not want to go back to the hospital, you are going to have to fight for yourself here. I'm not saying it is easy, but as someone who has had to fight that fight over and over again in my life, I DO know it is possible even when you are feeling this bad. The one difference is that I am willing to accept the help and safety of the hospital when I know I am unsafe; making that decision IS fighting for myself. Your unwillingness to go into the hospital and your saying you'd rather die than do so may be exactly what will land you there involuntarily.

So what ARE you going to do to fight for yourself so you don't end up needing to be hospitalized? You are right in one respect; your T can't save you. This is YOUR fight to fight here. If you won't fight for you, you will leave the decisions in the hands of your T and your school to keep you safe.

[growlycat]

you probably know this already, but spacing out like that = dissociation.

Just a thought--I know that you like your T and all---if you see T 2x a week, instead can they help you NOW to transition to a T who will be around longer? So see regular T once a week and see a new t once a week?

You probably know by my posts that I purposely see two t's---sometimes one can be great while the other one is having an "off" week. Having two perspectives is interesting too.
Don't know if you'd be interested in asking your t about that sceario, with the goal of eventually seeing 1 t twice a week.

Just seems that you are justified in your worry about your upcoming loss of t. Seems it would help to get attached to someone else now not later??

[Rive.]

I’m going to bite the bullet here but as much as we wish someone would save us, this is just a fantasy or magical thinking to believe someone else has (all) the answers for us. No one has the answers for us. Not even your T.

What she can do is provide you with coping skills and strategies but ultimately, you have to do the work: be it trying to keep yourself safe, trying to ‘distract’ from the negative thoughts etc. It is hard work but Ts can’t do this for us. They can help, guide and support but ultimately, we have to do the work.

The change has to come from us. Use your T’s support (make her break strategies/a short-term plan into bite-size steps if needed/appropriate) but then, the ball is in your court.

Ts are like crutches, use them for the support but ultimately, you have got to do the walking.

[tinyrabbit]

This is the maze talking, not you. Your T can save you, even if it doesn't feel like it.

(((hugs)))

[anilam]

Well, nobody can "save" us. They can help you a great deal but the "saving" is all yours and it requires everyday effort.

Originally Posted by growlithing

I don't know why I am still posting here. I don't know why I keep going to my sessions. My T can't save me. No one can. I'm completely lost in this maze full of pain and no one really knows the way out. I feel like I have completely given up and I'm just going through the motions at this point.

Maybe a small part of me is clinging on to a little bit of hope and that is why I'm still crossing the street to see my T twice a week. Maybe I just want to feel like someone cares even if it is fake. I don't even care if I get better at this point.

I remember when I came to this painful realization ...

But!

We can save ourselves! ... And with the help of good therapists along the way, and forums like PC here, we don't have to totally go it alone anymore.

I also find this song extremely helpful when the journey is feeling especially dark and hopeless.

Hero: Mariah Carey

I hope it helps you too!

[bunnylove45]

Originally Posted by Rive.

I’m going to bite the bullet here but as much as we wish someone would save us, this is just a fantasy or magical thinking to believe someone else has (all) the answers for us. No one has the answers for us. Not even your T.

What she can do is provide you with coping skills and strategies but ultimately, you have to do the work: be it trying to keep yourself safe, trying to ‘distract’ from the negative thoughts etc. It is hard work but Ts can’t do this for us. They can help, guide and support but ultimately, we have to do the work.

The change has to come from us. Use your T’s support (make her break strategies/a short-term plan into bite-size steps if needed/appropriate) but then, the ball is in your court.

Ts are like crutches, use them for the support but ultimately, you have got to do the walking.

So wonderfully said and very true.

[feralkittymom]

You're right, of course, that no one else can save us; it's one of the lessons of growing up. But a good T can let us borrow their strength while they guide us to rebuild ourselves.

I'm concerned that your mood swings and how they result in impulsiveness is more than you can handle; and perhaps more than your T can handle. It sounds like your school has a rather minimal health safety net--no services in the summer, Deans very involved, your own T being an intern who will leave. I was a graduate student at a Big Ten school when I started therapy. The school's health services (medical and psych) had the highest possible accreditation. There were @ 20 Ts, several PhDs, and 2 pdocs. And I was doubly lucky that my T was the Director of the Psych Services and had a private practice that I could transition to when I was no longer a student. I didn't know when I started how important those conditions would come to be for me.

I think it would be well worth it to have a discussion with your T about getting you settled with more permanent help. You vacillate between recognizing how badly you're feeling to being in denial about how serious your problems are, depending upon your mood. Such wild swings need to be addressed, probably with a pdoc, before you're going to be able to make progress. The fact that you're SH just makes everything more precarious.

I agree with Chris that you really don't have the luxury to keep diving into denial, both because of the SH consequences, and the external consequences from your school. Thinking that you will die before a hospitalization because of your mother's reaction is frankly nonsensical. If you die, you don't get the chance to live after your mother is long dead and buried. She's a temporary impediment, and your ultimate solution is permanent. You may think that is a viable option now, but that's your illness talking. And if you keep listening, at some point, that choice will likely be taken out of your hands.

Your T, simply by virtue of her relative inexperience and time-limited internship just isn't enough for you. Keep seeing her for support, but enlist her help--or someone else at your health service--to set you up with highly skilled permanent services.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by Rive.

I’m going to bite the bullet here but as much as we wish someone would save us, this is just a fantasy or magical thinking to believe someone else has (all) the answers for us. No one has the answers for us. Not even your T.

What she can do is provide you with coping skills and strategies but ultimately, you have to do the work: be it trying to keep yourself safe, trying to ‘distract’ from the negative thoughts etc. It is hard work but Ts can’t do this for us. They can help, guide and support but ultimately, we have to do the work.

The change has to come from us. Use your T’s support (make her break strategies/a short-term plan into bite-size steps if needed/appropriate) but then, the ball is in your court.

Ts are like crutches, use them for the support but ultimately, you have got to do the walking.

I don't even know where to start with doing the work. I keep trying and failing. I don't have any strategies to deal with these feelings that are effective. I told her this and I'm hoping she will come back with a few more things I can do. I dunno.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

You're right, of course, that no one else can save us; it's one of the lessons of growing up. But a good T can let us borrow their strength while they guide us to rebuild ourselves.

I'm concerned that your mood swings and how they result in impulsiveness is more than you can handle; and perhaps more than your T can handle. It sounds like your school has a rather minimal health safety net--no services in the summer, Deans very involved, your own T being an intern who will leave. I was a graduate student at a Big Ten school when I started therapy. The school's health services (medical and psych) had the highest possible accreditation. There were @ 20 Ts, several PhDs, and 2 pdocs. And I was doubly lucky that my T was the Director of the Psych Services and had a private practice that I could transition to when I was no longer a student. I didn't know when I started how important those conditions would come to be for me.

I think it would be well worth it to have a discussion with your T about getting you settled with more permanent help. You vacillate between recognizing how badly you're feeling to being in denial about how serious your problems are, depending upon your mood. Such wild swings need to be addressed, probably with a pdoc, before you're going to be able to make progress. The fact that you're SH just makes everything more precarious.

I agree with Chris that you really don't have the luxury to keep diving into denial, both because of the SH consequences, and the external consequences from your school. Thinking that you will die before a hospitalization because of your mother's reaction is frankly nonsensical. If you die, you don't get the chance to live after your mother is long dead and buried. She's a temporary impediment, and your ultimate solution is permanent. You may think that is a viable option now, but that's your illness talking. And if you keep listening, at some point, that choice will likely be taken out of your hands.

Your T, simply by virtue of her relative inexperience and time-limited internship just isn't enough for you. Keep seeing her for support, but enlist her help--or someone else at your health service--to set you up with highly skilled permanent services.

The problem is that I have no money to see someone outside of my T. I know she is way too inexperienced to handle the intensity of my problems, but she is willing to try for no additional money outside of my tuition. I don't know how I could pay for another T without my parents finding out because I am still on their insurance. I'm also probably not going to live here very long if at all after I graduate. Two years is the longest I can guarantee seeing anyone.

The school needs more emergency health support. I can only have an emergency a few times a week at specific hours in order to get help. I always have class during those hours too. But the school is outrageously small so I don't really blame it.

I don't think my mood swings are really that extreme. Maybe they are to someone who only sees some of them, but I don't chronicle the transition very well. I get triggered fairly easily since footsteps set me off and then swing the other direction very quickly.

I don't think I'll die before hospitalization. I don't want to die. I just don't always want to live if that makes any sense. I know going to the hospital is fairly likely at this point. I just don't know how to avoid it

[venusss]

YOU can save you.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by growlithing

The problem is that I have no money to see someone outside of my T. I know she is way too inexperienced to handle the intensity of my problems, but she is willing to try for no additional money outside of my tuition. I don't know how I could pay for another T without my parents finding out because I am still on their insurance. I'm also probably not going to live here very long if at all after I graduate. Two years is the longest I can guarantee seeing anyone.

Then it may be time to enlist the involvement of your Dean with your parents. You don't have to explain or justify or blame--just have your need expressed. The request would be coming from the school, not from you. I doubt that your parents would be willing to be seen as negligent to the Dean. They would probably threaten to cut you off, stop paying tuition, but I doubt that they would follow through because it would reflect so badly on them.

Worst case, if they did, you will qualify for aid. Massachusetts has a very, very generous safety net.

Speculating 2 years into the future is pointless; it has no bearing on now.

The school needs more emergency health support. I can only have an emergency a few times a week at specific hours in order to get help. I always have class during those hours too. But the school is outrageously small so I don't really blame it.

It's not about blame, but rather that this system can't meet your needs.

I don't think my mood swings are really that extreme. Maybe they are to someone who only sees some of them, but I don't chronicle the transition very well. I get triggered fairly easily since footsteps set me off and then swing the other direction very quickly.

This sounds like denial to me. Footsteps are a huge trigger that has set off hours of SH. It seems like you switch moods in the space of a paragraph at times.

I don't think I'll die before hospitalization. I don't want to die. I just don't always want to live if that makes any sense. I know going to the hospital is fairly likely at this point. I just don't know how to avoid it

I get not wanting to live; but it's passive SUI. That doesn't make it any better, nor mean you're more stable. The SH in this context is flirting with SUI. Going IP for a while may not be a bad idea; it strengthens your Dean's case for alternate care, for one thing. And you can get a fresh assessment from a pdoc and stabilized.

[Bill3]

What were the pros and cons (such as your mother making fun of you) of your hospitalization?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Then it may be time to enlist the involvement of your Dean with your parents. You don't have to explain or justify or blame--just have your need expressed. The request would be coming from the school, not from you. I doubt that your parents would be willing to be seen as negligent to the Dean. They would probably threaten to cut you off, stop paying tuition, but I doubt that they would follow through because it would reflect so badly on them.

Worst case, if they did, you will qualify for aid. Massachusetts has a very, very generous safety net.

Speculating 2 years into the future is pointless; it has no bearing on now.

It's not about blame, but rather that this system can't meet your needs.

This sounds like denial to me. Footsteps are a huge trigger that has set off hours of SH. It seems like you switch moods in the space of a paragraph at times.

I get not wanting to live; but it's passive SUI. That doesn't make it any better, nor mean you're more stable. The SH in this context is flirting with SUI. Going IP for a while may not be a bad idea; it strengthens your Dean's case for alternate care, for one thing. And you can get a fresh assessment from a pdoc and stabilized.

There is absolutely no way we'd qualify for aid. We don't need it. The problem is solely that my parents would be obnoxious about it. They'd mock me for it like they did the last time I went IP.

I HATE the hospital. I made no progress there last time because I was literally constantly triggered. My mom is a doctor,
I can't handle being locked in a room, and I HATE being away from my music. It makes me EXTREMELY anxious like you have no idea. I'm not flirting with SUI because tomorrow, I have rehearsal. I do exponentially better when I am back in music ensembles. I know all of this sounds like I'm in denial. Denial has kept me alive this long.

I saw my pdoc yesterday. He gave me a fresh prescription of ativan to help with dealing with triggers. I'll get that filled at some point today, and it should help

You are over the age of majority. Your parents' income does not matter if they have cut you off, and then you would qualify for aid.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

You are over the age of majority. Your parents' income does not matter if they have cut you off, and then you would qualify for aid.

Yes but if they cut me off, I couldn't afford to eat or pay my rent and there is no feasible way I could get a job suddenly that could do that.

Yes, that is why you immediately apply for AID.