Jealous of my friend her therapy

My friend is in a really bad place at the moment, she is on a the course with me training to be a t. I really like this friend and think she will make a great therapist but I got so jealous when she said she went to our teachers house and t just hold her for the whole 30 mins. I cried when I went home and it hurt because I want that so much from someone. I know I should be more considerate and kind to her but I am so jealous I can't think straight.
It's not like me to be jealous so this is a new thing for me and I am ashamed of being jealous when she needs this right now.

Hi Monalisasmile,

I'm a bit confused, does your friend have the same T as you? Is the T the same person as the teacher?

I'm sorry you feel hurt, of course it hurts when we desperately want our needs to be met, and it's so painful when we can see someone else getting what we need, but we don't know how to get it for ourselves. Maybe even feel like we don't deserve to get it too. You deserve to be cared about and understood and held.

It's okay to be jealous, her needing it right now doesn't mean your reaction isn't okay. It's always okay to feel anything. It's natural to feel jealousy sometimes, but if you have an internal belief that jealousy is unacceptable the jealousy can't come, be experienced, and then move on - you get all tangled up in self-reproach and shame and self-hatred.

Allow yourself to feel the jealousy, cry if you need, write about it or make art about it. The jealousy is sending you important messages about your needs and your unconcious beliefs, and it doesn't make you a bad person.

Ouch, i can see why that experience your friend had with the teacher would induce those strong feelings. It's obvious you don't grudge your friend that comfort so the jealousy is more about an unmet need in you. Can you see those feeling you're having as information? That's all, it's just data that is telling you that you have a gap in your life, that you are needing emotional and physical intimacy. Perhaps you're grieving for what you've missed out on growing up.

Also your friend was in need of that experience and your teacher recognised that and met her need. That's a good sign because now you know she is open to meeting others needs where appropriate. And maybe some day she'll meet that need for you.

Everybody gets jealous now and then. It doesn't mean you can't still be there for her.

I just wonder though what kind of therapy is it- being held for 30 min. I mean, I can get this from a friend (if I felt like it- still that long a hug would just feel weird to me) don't need a T to do that for me.

I'd just honour your jealousy.

You are not a bad friend for being jealous unless you begrudge your friend the help which I know you don't. I am always getting jealous when I read posts about people's great, available therapists.

For me, I wouldn't be jealous that my friend got her needs met, I would be jealous that my friend was able to vulnerable enough to share her problems, to ask for support and to allow others to support her...

Tarra,
My teacher is not my t or my friends t but because my friend is in a crisis t is doing some therapy with her. I wish she was my t
Thank you, I never thought I should feel jealous because I was never allowed to feel anything without being told it was wrong and that I should be ashamed of myself.

I have never had that, so I really dont know what it feels like just that I would like to feel loved from somebody. I have a gap in my life around this but right now I can trust anyone enough to fill it.
I wish this t wasn't my teacher and was my t because she is the kindest most humble woman I have ever met and would love to go see her.

It is body theray. You hold the client and calm and soothe them and you talk whilst this is happening. I have never had it but it sounds like heaven

(((((((((((((monalisasmile)))))))))))))))))))))

totally understandable that you want to feel comfort and have that kind of attention when it is something you are longing for and needing for yourself i hope you are able to be kind to yourself while allowing these feelings ... will you be able to talk to your T about them?

(((Monalisasmile))) If I were you I would be jealous, too..especially when you want that so much from someone also.

You are envious of something your friend got from this T that you really wish you had also. This is fair enough to feel and acknowledge, just don't let this get between you and the friend, or you and the T. Acknowledge it and look at why you want this feeling of closeness and support, and how you may achieve it in other ways.
You are also possibly jealous of the relationship between your friend and your T. Maybe you worry that this will weaken your relationship with the T? Don't let this worry weaken your relationship. Be as honest with your T as you can about what you feel you need. This will make it easier for the T to help you.

Not to be a party pooper or anything but this whole thing sounds a little red-flaggy to me. I wonder if your feelings of jealousy stem from how inappropriate this whole thing is (or how it sounds to me at least.)

So let's see... Your prof in your counselling/psychotherapy program who is supposed to be modelling good boundaries in psychotherapy has a student who is crisis. Instead of listening supportively, encouraging her to speak with a therapist and perhaps giving her an extension on an assignment, said professor becomes this student's ad hoc psychotherapist! At her own home! And holds her for half an hour! I can barely think for the alarm bells going off in my head!!! Seriously?

And then what? Are they going to meet for more holding and therapy again? Does the student get an A for all of this? This is messed up. Of course you feel uneasy with it.

I am jealous of my friend and our teachers relationship because i want to be held by her. She is so lovely and such a nice and GENUINE person. I suppose I look up to her a lot and often find myself wanting to be her child. I want hugs from her. I know my friend needs it more than me right now but I need them too but maybe not from her.
Boundaries did cross my mind but to be honest that is not what I feel uneasy about. If my friend agreed to it I dont see a problem. This t has had years of experience and knows what is best for her right now. They are meeting again this Sunday and it kills me.

In therapy, boundaries are not merely about the consent of the client. You meet another adult at a cafe/in a bar/wherever and head home with them and you both consent to whatever happens next = cool/fine. In therapy (as between professor and student), it isn't that simple. Therapy in your home, on a Sunday, with someone whose grades you are responsible for is unequivocally uncool, unethical as I see it.

I bring this up in response to your thread about your feelings of jealousy because your feelings of jealousy are just one of myriad reasons why this is not okay.

A prof conducting therapy with a student is not so different from a prof sleeping with a student. (It's arguably worse.) I have been in a university class where my prof was in fact sleeping with one of the students. It set up a dynamic that was unfair and disrespectful to the rest of the class. I had a huge crush on the prof and was extremely jealous too! But although my jealousy may have stemmed from an unmet need to be loved and appreciated etc it was more about the fact that someone else was receiving huge attention and preferential treatment from someone I admired and looked up to.

The fact that your prof/T has years of experience in no way assures me that she knows what's best. In fact I bet if you look at ethics guidelines for your profession it will be stated clearly that a therapist should not have another relationship with the client outside of the therapeutic one.

Thanks for this response. I was thinking the same thing myself, but I tend to be a little brash so I was afraid my response would not sound supportive. I totally agree with you on this one. Warning bells and red flags all over the place.

And again, I agree 100%.

I really don't see it like that Favourite Jeans. I don't think that this tutor would let this influence my friends grads. I think she is proffessional and wouldn't let this affect her grades. I was a little shocked actually when I heard what happened but I don't think there is anything unethical going on yet.

While influencing grades is certainly one possible concern, it is by no means the only concern in this situation. As a University professor myself, I can tell you that this conduct violates our code of ethics and absolutely would not be tolerated. Itt violates all professional boundaries to cross that student/teacher line and have a "dual" relationship. It's inappropriate for the student involved, and it's inappropriate for the other students in the program. And that's just if this were a math or history professor violating the boundaries-- but this is a psych professor! Someone who is supposed to model professional ethics and healthy boundaries should not be doing this. Is this how she would teach her students to behave, once they are therapists? If this were occurring at my University, I can tell you wih certainly the professor would have very stiff consequences to face. It definitely worries me that the professors in this program do not understand or practice professional teacher/student or client/therapist boundaries. It also concerns me that students in the program who are in crisis are not receiving appropriate professional help or training, and that they may not have the skills to handle situations appropriately once they become therapists themselves.

Mona, I understand that you feel jealous over this situation. Your friend has something that you want. Your feelings of jealousy are understandable, and quite frankly I am surprised that you have never felt this before (according to your original post). Jealousy is something that most of us have experience with beginning as very young children (snatching the toy we want away from another child for example). But new or not, know that you are not alone in having these sorts of feelings. That said, I think that perhaps you ought to feel lucky that you are not involved with this teacher/tutor/therapist (I still haven't quite been able to figure out what this person's role is). If a teacher/tutor they have definately crossed a line into an area of unethical behavior (whether you see it that way or not. I suspect that you don't see it this way because you would like to be treated the same way. Hence the jealousy. You don't imagine that you would be involved in anything that wasn't ethical so you don't see this as unethical) But trust those here who are telling you that this just isn't right on many levels. This could end up badly for both of them if word of this gets to the teacher's supervisors.

mona, it is ok that you are feeling jealous. you are allowed to feel your feelings. the jealousy can give you insight into what you need. you can then take steps to get those needs met in healthy ways.

i have to agree that this therapy with your prof & friend is a dual relationship and sounds pretty questionable in it's practice. dual relationships are not recommended. i had one with my last individual T for a class she taught (artist's way) and it didn't go well. i ended up not going back to her for anything because she acted unprofessionally toward me. (she tried to manipulate me into staying in the class when i needed to drop. she went so far as to say she started the class for me which is just inappropriate and guilt-tripping.) i would have never expected that to happen and i share it to give an example of how convoluted these things can get even when both parties have good intentions. it seems there are just myriad ways things can get messed up when dual relationships happen.

the holding your friend for 1/2 hour? i don't know, i thought those sorts of therapies were tried in the 60s or 70s and found to do more damage in the long run for the client. even if this is a legitimate form of therapy your prof shouldn't be practicing it on her students at her home. she should refer her student to someone else. because there is a huge power differential in the relationship it doesn't really matter whether your friend thought it was ok or not. even if your friend had thought it wasn't ok she may have felt powerless to say no to her professor.

i know you didn't mean to be starting a debate about your prof's therapy approach when you posted. it is good to feel our feelings and i'm sorry you are hurting so.

monalisasmile,

First off, feeling jealous is perfectly normal in this situation...I can completely understand why you are feeling this way. However, I am sorry you are in so much pain. As someone mentioned previously, will you be able to discuss your feelings with your T?

I also think it would be healthy for you to pull back from the situation as much as you can...perhaps spend time with some other friends for awhile, maybe some friends who can take your mind off of the situation (easier said then done, I know). Even though your friend is in a bad place right now, sometimes you need to think of yourself first. Hugs to you...

Sorry to hear about your dual realtionship with your t Blur I dont blame you for not seeing her anymore- the guilt trip had to go.
My friend was under the impression that she was meeting with this tutor to get refered to someone else. She has a male t but this tutor wanted her to see a female t for some reason.
I have read some pretty bad things about this holding therapy but my friend assures me it was a lovley calming experience. I don't know, when I mention this to my t I know she will not approve either. I was thinking that maybe we should have all worked with my friend in class. She said she didnt mind talking about it to everyone but for some reason they didn't want that to happen. Maybe she has some sort of attachment problem, who knows?

You know lostkey thank you for this.
I have been feeling a need to pull away from this for a while because it is upsetting me, firstly because what is going on with my friend is very similar to my past story and triggers me and also because of this now, it makes me so angry because I want the hug.
I will talk to my own t about it but she won't be happy about it at all.
Thanks for your advice

Oh my. This new information is a bit troubling. Your friend's professor/tutor does not have the authority to decide what T (or gender of T) she should see. Involving herself at all in that process crosses professional/ethical lines. I also don't understand why your friend is talking about this with the tutor in the first place, and why she is not simply going to her male T? Was there a problem with her T, in her own opinion?

Even more troubling is the idea that your friend's personal issues might have been discussed in the class, as part of training? Eek. That crosses all kinda of professional boundaries as well. Even if your friend doesn't mind, it's completely inappropriate in an academic setting and it is inappropriate for the other students. They have the right not to have those boundaries crossed and made uncomfortable. Those things just are not meant for the classroom. Are you worried about the kind of training you are receiving at this University? It seems that the professors responsible for training you to become a T do not know how to be Ts themselves. If they demonstrate these poor boundaries to you, how are you to understand that they are unethical and not follow in their footsteps in the future? It sounds like you need some good modeling!

No there was no issue with my friends therapist, she felt he was just what she needed at this moment in time but sometimes he crossed the boundaries but in a good way- to help her. Maybe this was their issue.
As for talking about our own issues, this is what we did last year but we only shared what we were comfortable with and it was fantastic experiential learning. It is what most ts do in their group work, it is vital that you can share your own issues and process them in a safe enviroment. Being a t is different than other classes I guess and each t school has their own way if working and this way works for me and the others. They have a good support system in place for us.