[Aloneandafraid]

Originally Posted by Mastodon

My ego got kind of bruised at my therapy session today. That is not necessarily a bad thing. I won't see T for a whole week now, because 1 May is a holiday. Also probably a good thing. I will try to forget that therapy exists, and that T exists, until next week.

I relate to this feeling. I think a week's break is sometimes a positive experience and good may come of a bit of space. Take care, Mast and good luck at the conference.

[Aloneandafraid]

Pensive. See T tomorrow and although I desperately want to see her I am terrified as well although I can't pinpoint why this time. I just want so much to feel a connection and to tell her "stuff" but it never happens. I always leave feeling disappointed (with myself and with her) and as if I am a waste of her time. I think about her/the process all week and then my session comes and its all over so quickly and without resolution or connection. Its frustrating, a waste of money and time? I feel sad.

[Wren_]

sad and headachy ... and missing my T

[blur]

feeling about 100 times better than i was the last few days. hope springs.

[someone321]

Quite okay... I guess I am in the "hibernation mode" - I haven't seen my T for two weeks already and I won't see her for next three weeks, so I just have to survive...

[Aloneandafraid]

An hour to go before I see her. I want to tell her so much but my head is spinning and I don't know what to say or how to 'be'. I put so much into this relationship and seem to get nothing back. What am I doing wrong? I feel sick, nervous, like I don't want to waste this precious 50 minutes - but I always do. I am seriously afraid of the way I feel.

[Aloneandafraid]

Broken, crushed, useless, hurting. I'm sorry. I'm just a waste of space.

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by Aloneandafraid

Broken, crushed, useless, hurting. I'm sorry. I'm just a waste of space.

No, YOU ARE NOT. I am sorry you are feeling so broken. Please remember you can pm me if you would like to.
Sending you much love and hugs!!

Amelia

[AmysJourney]

Yay, I am excited! I can't wait for my visitor, I am so looking forward to meet her!

[Salmon77]

Session yesterday in which I was lame and cried and could not answer why or what I was thinking about or what I was feeling or anything. Feeling run over still today.

[someone321]

Hurt, very hurt and T is not around... It's 2 am here and I cannot sleep...

I can forgive the abuse but why is it so much more difficult to forgive betrayal? Years ago there was a very, very good friend of my Dad... And of me I thought. I trusted him, I trusted him even more than my parents and I told him a small part of my story... And he reacted great (I wish my Dad had reacted this way)... But then he went home and he couldn't have handled it... He told his wife and she called my parents - that's how they got to know... He betrayed me but what was even worse was the fact that a day when I told him was also the last day I saw him... He cut the contact, I've never heard from him... Like they let know my parents what I told him and that was it he left me alone...

Gash, it was so long time ago, why does it hurt so much?

[monkeybrains21]

I am amazing!!! I feel great! Wide awake and ready to go! Ppl are trying to ruin my fun telling me I need to call T but I am amazing!

[Freewilled]

Sad. Like I'm too damaged to be fixed and ruin everyone else's life too so what's the point? Ugh. I hate this.

Exhausted,but it is a good exhausted. Three performances of Beethoven's 9th down, one to go on Monday night. It has been a very long week, but so worth every moment. I have an appointment with T Friday, but I will probably cancel it. Not really needing to go in right now.

[AllyIsHopeful]

I am done.

[angelicgoldfish05]

Broken. Alone. Scared. afraid. Selfish. Lazy. Fat. Ashamed.
Crushed.
Beaten down.
Empty yet full.
Wanting to give up forever.
Defective.
Deficient.
Unlovable.
Worthless.
Weak.
Incapable.
Shattered.
And like my life has been a waste. One big mistake.
Damaged and used.
Hurt and scarred forever.
Ostracized and abnormal. Like a cancer cell.
Undeserving of anything but pain.
Feeling like I am sinking and drowing. And like I don't care to fight this or try and stop it from happening.
Feeling like a F*#$up.
And like everything has been a waste because everything I have tried to do has fallen apart anyways.
Like a disaster.
And hopeless.
Like I want to fall asleep and never wake up.
I want to disappear.
Stuck. Trapped.
helpless and so small.
Far away. Gone.
Like I've lost my mind in a way.
I've lost a piece of me I will never get back.
Crazy and insane and out of my mind.
Changed forever. And like I'll never recover. The total opposite of resilient.
And I don't even care if I make it at all.

[SilentVoices]

I'm feeling pretty bad at the moment:
I'm on medication, which has some horrible side effects;
I've got my exams in a few weeks, so I'm stressing out;
I just started psychotherapy, and I didn't talk in the first session;
Trying to deal with my eating disorders is getting harder by the day

So yeah... rant over...

Fantastic day today! after having a miserable day yesterday. I allowed myself to go there, and that was not cool. Kid problems, with me ending up acting like the younger kid.

My ex therapist and I went to see a play that some of my friends had a hand-in. Then we enjoyed a two and half hour lunch at a sidewalk cafe in the city. We had an exquisite time together. I totally forgot she use to be my therapist - that's weird, but we just had a lovely time like two dear old friends would.

I was telling her the themes of what I read or respond to on the forum now, and at the end of the conversation I made the mistake of asking if I was being too much of a pain in the tush. That's a big fear for many on PC. She seemed a little offended that I asked, and said not at all. She gave me a big long and tight hug, then we went our separate ways...till next time. Concerts in the park are starting up in a few weeks. She was the one who said she was having a wonderful time first, and we have to do it again, soon. Her practice is getting so busy, because she doesn't like to turn people away.So, now that she doesn't have blocks of time for herself in the day, she is trying to keep her Sunday's free.

Interesting tidbit: She said, about 70% of her referrals are coming from other clients, 25% from colleagues, and the rest media sources ,etc. She does not take insurance.

[scardycat]

crappy, hopeless and feel like crawling in a hole

[rainbow8]

Still coughing and weak; done with my antibiotics. If I have a virus they wouldn't have helped anyway. I am missing all of my activities and that makes me a little depressed
Also if I feel this bad with a cold, how am I going to cope with the more serious illnesses of growing older?

Mixed feelings about seeing T tomorrow. Maybe I should never go back.

[AnnaBegins]

I can feel myself detaching...vaguely sad about it but feel as if I'm watching myself do all these things from someplace outside myself. No sense of urgency, no sense of ownership...just a sense of something like curiosity that I'm doing anything at all. Part of me think it would be logical to start rebuilding walls right now but the greater part thinks it doesn't matter anymore.

[Aloneandafraid]

Feeling raw, hurt, alone and very afraid. All seems pointless and I wonder if this is really me at all? I feel a bit weird - numb but still hurting.... I can't function and I don't know what's happening around me.

[JaneC]

Anxious, overwhelmed and fearful. Just plain bloody awful.........and I just want to sleep right now!

[RTerroni]

Upset after my recent blowup with my mom.

[peaches100]

I'm feeling like I've had to put my big girl mask on and disavow all of the parts of me that feel weak, needy, scared, unloved, or confused. I feel like I've finally reached a point where I've found out that it's not possible for me to be my whole self with anyone, even my t.

I've always been scared to death that if I let myself need her or ask for anything from her, I would find out that I was "too much," that I was a burden on her, and that she was just helping me out of obligation. After a long, long time of her encouraging me to begin asking her to meet some of my needs, I found out rather quickly that what I want IS too demanding and needy. Now, I've pulled way back out of guilt and shame.

I know I am being black and white. My t is just trying to help me learn balance. But I can't stomach the feeling of being a burden on anybody. Therefore, the big girl mask is back on - the Superwoman, the Confident, Compassionate, Have-It-All-Together Adult. To the outside world, I look like I'm coping mighty fine. But inside, it feels like parts of myself are falling off of me, like I'm coming apart.