[AnnaBegins]

My apologies if this question has already been posted in the past but I could really use a different perspective than my own warped one.

I started seeing a new t because I felt very strongly that my old t wasn't providing me the level of support I needed to make any forward progress. He was professional to the point of seeming cold and uncaring to me and he had very rigid boundaries. We talked about his method in our last session and he said he thought of therapy with a water metaphor - his clients were in the middle of a lake trying not to drown and he was in a boat that he kept just ahead of where they could grab it because his job was to teach them to swim, not provide support to keep them from drowning. I had asked him what he did if one of his clients were seriously drowning and he said he'd move the boat closer but not close enough so they could grab on. I didn't think this was a good method for me and it solidified my resolve to terminate with him.

So now I have a new t who is very supportive and is (I think) trying to undo a lot of the damage the last t did because he really wants me to trust him. He reaches out to me a lot outside of session - not big things but little things like texting me on Mondays to check in because he knows weekends are hard for me. He's also told me while in session that sometimes all he wants to do is give me a big hug and tell me that everything is going to be OK. I told him that would completely freak me out and he said he would never do it without my permission but that he wanted me to know what he was really thinking while I was talking to him so I would stop attributing my own thoughts ("Stop whining you useless ******!!") to him.

So I've been working on trying to trust him and his support is starting to chip away at my defenses. But now, I'm starting to really count on his contacting me outside of session, to the point that I'm obsessing about it. On the days I don't hear from him, I must check my phone a thousand times to see if any texts have come in. And I find myself wanting to initiate texts just so I can hear back from him.

I'm afraid this isn't healthy - like his support was "too much of a good thing" and I can't handle it. I really wanted support like this and thought it would help me get better but now I'm wondering if my old t would have been better for me in the long run, rigid boundaries and all. Or am I just scared and looking for excuses to push the new t away because support is something I'm really not used to and it's painful for me to let my defenses down for anyone?

Thanks for listening to me ramble...

[Nerak67]

The same thing happened to me. I had a t who would call me to make sure I was ok and was so caring and attentive. The more she did the more I wanted. I got needier and needier. I too obsessed.

I think the theory is that you will internalize that that they care and not need all of the enactments anymore but it didn't work with me. I'm not sure what that means about me.

I would talk to him about it before it spirals out of control like it did for me.

Good luck.

[sunrise]

It sounds like this T has a lot of things that are helpful for you, but the texting is not one of them. Could you just ask him not to text anymore?

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by sunrise

It sounds like this T has a lot of things that are helpful for you, but the texting is not one of them. Could you just ask him not to text anymore?

I think logically I should but I don't want to, if that makes sense. It's like getting some actual support is like a drug and I'm craving it...

[Freewilled]

My T is pretty rigid with his boundaries...although I don't know for sure as I guess I've never really tried to overtly push them to see what he would do. He once went over time by like 10 minutes and I FREAKED out. There were other things that happened, but basically the next time I saw him I told him how much going over time upset me and I made it pretty clear it was not appreciated by me. He's never done it since....

All this to say, not that a T can't go over by a measly 10 minutes lol But I cannot take it when the boundaries get even a little bit fuzzy or I will start to obsess and just get confused. I sometimes wish T would let the time go over again (weird I know) but I always check the clock at the end and then when I see he hasn't gone over, I feel reassured that everything is "okay" still. I even end every appt the same way with a formal handshake lol I need the consistency very badly, I think...

I think this might be kind of like when you're a kid and you are mad at your parents for setting boundaries, but then deep down you feel cared about and appreciate it (well usually much later on).

I don't know if I'm on the right track or not, but your post reminded me of my feelings I have sometimes about my T. He is rather standoffish and it can seem cruel almost sometimes, but I know he cares about me on some level. I really need that and don't want to feel like I've been taken advantage of as this has happened to me in the past.

[ultramar]

Maybe closer to the ideal would be a T who let you grab hold of the boat when needed, but not encourage you to jump into the boat with him?

The problem I have with this, is that he is, in a way, *creating* a need, that was not there to begin with. Now that he's doing this, you 'need' it, but if he had never done it, it may have never even occurred to you. He's creating dependence (I think, not the healthy kind) and causing you to have all of this anxiety and dread, which you wouldn't otherwise have.

As far as helping to establish trust, one of the goals of therapy is for us to learn to trust in our own abilities; what I see here is a kind of presumption that you cannot trust in your ability to get through weekends without this kind of help (you didn't ask for these check-in's, right?). I think needs need to be expressed by the patient and the therapist will respond how they feel best, but to presume such a need -well, this is me, but I find it rather infantilizing --assuming you have less resilience than you probably have, and treating you as such, especially so early in the game.

I think telling you that he wants to hug you (bringing up hugs himself instead of waiting for you to do so, if ever) is inappropriate. The excuse of saying what's on his mind --I mean there are parts of countertransference that most therapists know to keep to themselves, maybe especially at the beginning of therapy. This can make a patient feel pressured to hug (to please the therapist), feel guilty for not doing so, etc., etc. When it comes to touch, especially male T, female patient, I really think these things need to come from the patient and not be initiated (however only verbally) by the therapist.

All and all, he sounds very impulsive to me. (Obviously) I see red flags, but I guess you'll know better with time if he is right for you.

[tinyrabbit]

Can I just say I'm really happy you're trying another T as the old one seemed to be causing you a great deal of pain and upset. I don't like his approach at all. Sometimes you need a lifebelt.

For some reason, this reminds me of when I met my husband. He was nice, kind and polite, called when he said he would, didn't play games, didn't go for days without texting, and it freaked me out. I eventually worked out that I wasn't used to being treated decently. It confused me. It was unfamiliar.

Sometimes we can only take a bit of kindness and caring at a time. I think you should talk to your T and tell him that you appreciate his support, but you need to maybe make it a bit more structured. I agree with ultramar that he is in danger of creating needs that weren't previously there - it would be more helpful to work on coping between sessions.

If he cares as much as he says he does, he'll be open to doing what works for you, so don't be afraid to talk to him. I think ultramar raised some very important points and how he reacts to you bringing this up will be very telling.

My T is extremely choosy about when he replies to texts (he replies if he believes a reply is needed), and will only contact me unbidden if it's about scheduling. That annoys me, but I'm not sure it's such a bad thing.

[boredporcupine]

I think the bottom line here is if a T gives more support than a client can comfortably take in, make sense of, or if the support is of a kind that is more confusing than it is helpful, then they aren't helping the situation. Learning to be comfortable receiving support is a good task to take on in therapy, but you have to do it at your own pace.

[AnnaBegins]

Originally Posted by boredporcupine

I think the bottom line here is if a T gives more support than a client can comfortably take in, make sense of, or if the support is of a kind that is more confusing than it is helpful, then they aren't helping the situation. Learning to be comfortable receiving support is a good task to take on in therapy, but you have to do it at your own pace.

I agree with that - it makes a lot of sense. I am very much not used to getting any kind of support from my old t. I almost quit seeing him when I was telling him that I was having SUI thoughts and he gave me a lecture of how much of a mess I would make out of his life if I acted on any of them. I didn't because I thought I had nowhere else to go - a lot of ts in my area won't take on bpd patients. Then I found this one through a friend and had hope that I would finally be able to start making significant forward progress towards getting better.

I did want to clarify one thing - my t did not make me uncomfortable when he said he wanted to give me a hug. It came up because he asked me what I thought he was thinking when I was talking to him that night and I told him I thought he was thinking "Stop whining you stupid *****and grow up!" He asked if I wanted to know what he was really thinking and I said yes - that's where the hug comment came from. I in no way felt pressured to accept a hug and I made sure I told him immediately that physical contact like that would make me completely flip out. Not because of who he is but because physical contact with anyone when I am spiraling causes an instant panic attack.

[caseygirl]

I'm so glad you brought this subject up and I feel for you.

"Creating a Need" as Ultramar said: This happened to me with my very first T. I had never had therapy before and I was in rough shape starting to delve into the PSTD for childhood sexual abuse. Long story short, I never knew how a T and client relationship could evolve and that is what happened.

[caseygirl]

Continuing with my post....don't know what happened there..

She almost became the mother I never had, and told me about her children. I started to become so jealous, the more sessions we had the more I wanted her. I was hospitalized many times and she visited me everytime, so there was such a close bond. Soon I was having sessions twice per week, but I getting worse instead of better, we started easing off and eventually cutting ties.

It was difficult, almost like losing someone to death, but in hindsight it was the best thing.

[boredporcupine]

My theory is that many times when a client becomes overly dependent in therapy and gets worse, it is because their "baby" parts have attached to the T (due to feeling nurtured) and taken over the client's life. The mentality of a baby is it can't do anything to help itself, but if it just cries loud enough its caregiver will come and rescue it. The solution is for the client to learn how to soothe her own baby parts, and to keep on using her adult parts to help herself as much as possible between sessions instead of giving into the baby's agenda of simply focusing on being rescued by someone else.

[tinyrabbit]

I don't want to know if my T has kids. I would be so jealous.

Anyway, I think no T will get it 100% right for you, and sometimes it takes a bit of negotiation to find the right fit, so do talk to your T.