[cka87]

(TLDR; does my therapist think im a lost cause?)

Not really sure what happened today in therapy but I feel kind of awful. I’ve been seeing my T for an eating disorder since March, in which time I’ve made basically no progress. In therapy I usually feel like I’m just talking in circles, repeating the same stuff week after week and outside of therapy I haven’t been able to make any significant changes- in my behavior or in my thoughts. Some days I feel really motivated and want to try to recover but overall I’m still very much stuck in my ED behaviors and I’m so torn between wanting to recover and wanting to stay the same. I think the only way to explain it is to say I’m trying as hard as I can/ I’m not trying very hard at all. As soon as things become uncomfortable I go back to my old ways.

Today in therapy I brought this up, I admitted I’m very stuck in my behaviors and having a very hard time making changes. Blah blah as we’re talking I told T if I wasn’t me I’d hate me because of how difficult I am to deal with, to which she responded “Well it is hard to deal with you because you refuse to even try to change your behavior.”

Argh, floored me. It’s the truth yes…but for god’s sake I want to change so bad, I’m really going to try so hard the next 2 weeks until I see her but I feel so freaking awful. Besides this comment she just seemed so distant and uncompassionate this session. Does she think I need that? What I want is reassurance, encouragement, specific ideas. Am I wrong for wanting this. I don’t know, I feel like she hates me. My brain is attacking me from all sides tonight and I feel like a failure, like my T doesn’t want to bother with me any longer.

[Freewilled]

I'm sorry That comment would *really* hurt for me to hear from my T even if she's being honest, it seems a bit much. Do you think you can talk to your T about it? What does she think you're supposed to be doing and more importantly, how does she expect you to go about it? It's not easy and I'm sure you know that but she should realize you are hurting and fighting this the best you can right now. I wish I had the words to help but know I feel for you.

[purplemystery]

I am so sorry to hear that. I don't think your T should have said that. March really wasn't THAT long ago- these things take time. You are doing the best you can do. You're not wrong at all for wanting encouragement rather than an "I'm disappointed in you" type of situation. I'm concerned that will only make you feel ashamed of yourself, which will not help with your ED. I'm sure your T was trying to help you (though in the wrong way), and I'm sure she doesn't hate you. She is supposed to help build up your hope, and to believe in you when you don't believe in yourself.

I have felt like I am talking in circles many times before too, always repeating myself because I still feel that there is something I either don't understand or don't know how to process. I have put up a lot of resistance to changing. It doesn't feel comfortable or natural, and it takes a lot of energy. I wish I had advice to give to you, but all I can say is that it takes time.

Maybe it would help if you told her how you felt after her comment?

[mixedup_emotions]

That does sound frustrating. I'd imagine it's difficult for both of you - although the power is only in your hands to work towards making changes which may leave her feeling a bit helpless when you're not making an effort. Unpleasant, yes - but perhaps T is hoping that sharing this comment with you will help provide you with some motivation. It's important to share what you're feeling with T, as it may lead to some important discoveries for you.

It's one thing to struggle with making changes - and it's another to not make any effort at all. Exploring the barriers that are getting in the way of you trying to make changes may be worth addressing.

[tealBumblebee]

I wrote a long reply to this and lost it, Sorry if this one isn't as passionate.

I can totally understand why you are feeling the way you are. Sometimes it is hard to hear things even if they are truth, so I am truly sorry that you are feeling down about today's session.

On one hand, you've only been seeing your T since March, and I honestly don't feel like things like this can be completely resolved in a few months. The roots are much deeper and the behaviors are engrained in the client and these things just take time. I am sure that T realizes this, or at least I hope so, since this is her specialty. I can understand why her words may have felt like a stab to the heart but I don't feel like she had harmful intentions behind it. I don't know much about you/your T's dynamics, so I am only going off of what i read on this post. I think you two were having an open and honest conversation and she was simply expressing an agreement/validation to your own argument. I don't think that she meant, in any way, "I want to give up on you" although, I can imagine why intrusive thoughts could suggest that.

On the other hand, you stated that you feel like you are "repeating the same stuff week after week and outside of therapy not making any significant changes in your behavior or thoughts." It simply sounds to me that its not time to give up, but to find an alternative approach to your situation/circumstance. On the days that you are truly feeling motivated, why not try to identify (through working with T or writing down and sharing with T) where exactly that motivation is stemming from and try to tap in and expound upon that.

Lastly, you stated that "as soon as things become uncomfortable I go back to my old ways" - that is perfectly okay. I think you should be less encouraged if things were perfectly fine and comfortable and yet you find yourself regressing. But you have identified that you want to change and change is hard! It's not an easy process, and I have all the faith in the world that you can do this. So what if you've been a bit stubborn - you haven't given up on yourself and I don't think (hope not) that T is giving up on you either. Maybe the two of you, in addition to identifying motivating factors can try to identify those stubborn feelings/times and address ways to move past those inhibitions that creep up.

I honestly think that you can do this, and I really don't think T meant her statement in the context your intrusive thoughts spinned them. I think the best thing would be to address your T with these thoughts, take note on your motivated and stubborn moods and causes and together, regroup and come up with a new plan of action. And if that doesn't work, you can come up with yet another.

Keep up the good work and motivation, I know you have the capability to overcome this.

[cka87]

freewilled- It really means a lot to hear you say that. The hurt is pretty fresh so in 2 weeks when I see her again I'm not sure I'll even have the courage to bring it up. I asked her today what can I DO since I haven't made any progress and she said I need to start challenging the irrational ED thoughts I have. Challenge the beliefs that are clearly lies and keeping me trapped in my ED. So I'm really gonna work on that this week- its more of a minute by minute challenge though and its exhausting and frustrating and scary. I asked her how I'm supposed to freaking challenge these "lies" when to me they are truths. She and other people tell me one thing but my head tells me another. Therein lies the whole matter of the ED though right? anyways..yes it hurt. I hope she meant to help but it feels like she just meant to drive me away. mission accomplished

purplemystery- Thanks for replying !! It means a lot to have other people understand. I hear over and over again that it takes time so that is why it hurt a lot for her to say that. I do feel so much more ashamed, and really just overall like a failure. a really huge giant failure. She has made a couple comments to me along the lines of 'you've been thinking this way so long it'll be really hard for you to change' argh some days i really wonder if im seeing the right T. I don't know. I want encouragement and support but maybe what I need is a swift kick in the butt? I think my T thinks so.

mixedup emotions- It's one thing to struggle with making changes - and it's another to not make any effort at all. Exploring the barriers that are getting in the way of you trying to make changes may be worth addressing. <--- that is exactly what my T said today lol. I have told her over and over its the physical discomfort and complete self loathing that stands in the way. I can't explain it to her any differently that it makes me want to die, to go insane to run away to scream and cry and that is why i try to challenge my thoughts and then go back to my ED. I know I haven't tried very hard though, its not her fault its all mine and all my choices. I want to choose right, i want to make an effort. I don't know whats holding me back and keeping me down. its freaking difficult to do this. I hate being a whiner and complainer. I hate disappointing people, I know you're right and she's right, I have to try. I just feel pretty lost some days.

[Freewilled]

Maybe her approach is not what you need (?) is there anyway to find a T of a different orientation to visit once or twice (while you are still seeing your T, of course) to see if it is any better? I will admit I don't know a lot about EDs so I don't know if CBT is the recommended model or not...just some thoughts

[cka87]

tealbumblebee- oh thank you so much for taking out the time to re-write your post, i really appreciate it. you are very encouraging and i'm so glad for your take on what my T could have meant. I know my brain spins things and takes things so personally - some days I don't know if I'm being ridiculous or not.
I definitely feel stuck and really need a new approach to things. T and I talked about it a little bit today but I think its a great idea to explore what is motivating me on the days I'm feeling good about recovery!! I'm going to try that for sure. and likewise for the barriers that are keeping me from changing. I just hate the way therapy went today. I want to forget it ever happened and just move on- it was so much more discouraging than it was motivating.

[cka87]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Maybe her approach is not what you need (?) is there anyway to find a T of a different orientation to visit once or twice (while you are still seeing your T, of course) to see if it is any better? I will admit I don't know a lot about EDs so I don't know if CBT is the recommended model or not...just some thoughts

i've been looking up other therapists this evening..but the only thing scarier than leaving my T is finding a new one I picked this current T because she has specialized in EDs for many years but..maybe we just arent a good fit. its hard to think that because it only took me about 7 years to work up the courage to call her anyway.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by cka87

i've been looking up other therapists this evening..but the only thing scarier than leaving my T is finding a new one I picked this current T because she has specialized in EDs for many years but..maybe we just arent a good fit. its hard to think that because it only took me about 7 years to work up the courage to call her anyway.

Oh, I definitely know it would be very hard to switch! It took me like 9 years to finally go back to therapy this time after a bad experience....that's why I thought maybe you could just visit with one a couple times while you still see your current T. Maybe a T who is less focused on the CBT model and can combine it with the psychodynamic/ humanistic or whatever stuff...so you feel heard and maybe can process some of the underlying emotional pain rather than only focusing on action steps...maybe it would help set the foundation for making the behavioral changes.

Idk though, just thought I'd try to help. Thats totally up to you. I guess I can relate to you because I've had some experiences similar to yours in the past and I absolutely *need* to feel validated first before I can make changes since I was so invalidated most of my life.

[unaluna]

I think your t needs to get a hold of herself. My t just says, "how can I help?" But I have told him, I have heard enough negativity for a lifetime, I can't handle anymore. So I think even if he does get frustrated, or if I say I am frustrated with myself, he holds things up, he props me up. If it were easy, we wouldn't need them.

[cka87]

Free willed- no I actually really like that idea! It would make me feel a lot more comfortable if I didn't leave my current T before I made a decision. I'm sorry you had a bad experience with therapy I know that would be so so hard to get through for me too.

[cka87]

Originally Posted by hankster

I think your t needs to get a hold of herself. My t just says, "how can I help?" But I have told him, I have heard enough negativity for a lifetime, I can't handle anymore. So I think even if he does get frustrated, or if I say I am frustrated with myself, he holds things up, he props me up. If it were easy, we wouldn't need them.

I can't handle the negativity right now either. Maybe she didn't realise it , or maybe she really is sick of my shenanigans. I'm sick of them too

[Leah123]

This is probably a silly question, but your ED is so compelling, I wonder if you've had a chance to work through all the good things you gain from it, to process with your therapist yet all the compelling reasons not to change?

It just seems from your post like you're chastising yourself for not giving up something that is black-and-white bad, but obviously it's really rewarding.

You're gaining so much from this disorder, it offers you a lot of benefits: have you two acknowledged them all and how you're going to get all those good things more safely?

[cka87]

Originally Posted by Leah123

This is probably a silly question, but your ED is so compelling, I wonder if you've had a chance to work through all the good things you gain from it, to process with your therapist yet all the compelling reasons not to change?

It just seems from your post like you're chastising yourself for not giving up something that is black-and-white bad, but obviously it's really rewarding.

You're gaining so much from this disorder, it offers you a lot of benefits: have you two acknowledged them all and how you're going to get all those good things more safely?

Yea we have talked about this before. Honestly the control and structure it gives me are two things that are really hard to imagine giving up. She had me come up with everything I gained and lost from ED to compare them. This ED has been my way of living for over half my life though, I don't think I even realise all that I'm losing bc I never had it. The ED came early and stayed long