[Freewilled]

I've said this before, but I need to say it again because it feels even more so for me right now:

Therapy feels like surgery with no anesthetic! It feels barbaric to me!

It seems like my T watches me in pain and all he can do is try to empathize and mostly, just sit there and look concerned... maybe summarize how much pain I'm in and theorize as to why... Encourage me to feel the pain... "Tap" the painful spot by asking questions and seeing if it causes more pain... And once it does, more concern... Ahhhh! I cannot stand it! And seriously, this is all voluntary? Am I that out of it?? I signed up for this in the face of social stigma and the hit to my pocketbook

I cannot, for the life of me, understand what I'm doing in therapy right now. I'm in the thick of the pain - it's been hurting most of the day today. It just sits in my heart and my gut and just....well aches, I guess. And I feel like a child. Wanting my T - of all things! The one who I'm starting to visualize as more of a surgeon who has a blindfold on /: But it's too late because I'm unable to just get up off the table and walk away in the middle of it all - I'm attached.

Honestly - I guess I just need some hope that in the end, all of this pain might not be for naught. I know I'm being dramatic, but I honestly am worried its going to be for nothing and I'm just a masochist.

Is there really hope on the other side or is this therapy thing just like rolling the dice?

if you find the answers, please do tell!
That's how I experienced therapy too. Now i'm trying it again with someone new...last T said my needs were insatiable.

I really feel for you. How long have you been in therapy?

If its so painful, why not just stop going?

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by Starry_Night

If its so painful, why not just stop going?

Idk. Either I like the pain on some level or the thought of it not working leaves me feeling more hopeless than when I started.

And I'm also very attached to my T by now. It would be like leaving in the middle of the surgical procedure.

I just want to know its going to be okay in the end, I guess ....

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by Autumn Skies

if you find the answers, please do tell!
That's how I experienced therapy too. Now i'm trying it again with someone new...last T said my needs were insatiable.

I really feel for you. How long have you been in therapy?

Thanks for your understanding I've been in therapy for 9 months or so...I, too, feel like my needs are insatiable - that's a good way to put it. But I despise being needy. It's a horrible, painful conflict.

How did you end with your last T, if you don't mind me asking? I really don't want to just give up, but I occasionally wonder if I'd be better off starting anew...

[Nightlight]

Sometimes the process seems so full of hope and promise, even though it's so difficult. Other times, I find it feels more like you're describing, especially the blindfold part.

Sometimes I don't think my T realises how close she was to fixing everything, but I guess the blindfold got in the way. Now I don't think she realises how close she was to helping, but how far in the opposite direction she took everything instead.

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Thanks for your understanding I've been in therapy for 9 months or so...I, too, feel like my needs are insatiable - that's a good way to put it. But I despise being needy. It's a horrible, painful conflict.

How did you end with your last T, if you don't mind me asking? I really don't want to just give up, but I occasionally wonder if I'd be better off starting anew...

Only 9 months...It's too soon to tell, but it could be a really good therapy. The attachment is a good thing. It sounds like you have good insight already.

I moved away. As painful as it was, we had a really great relationship. We still keep in touch. Actually, I still adore him.

In my case, childhood was so painful that I shut myself off to attachment needs. Therapy resurrected them-that is what the pain was all about. I didn't see T long enough to resolve things. Even so, I don't believe we truly heal--in the sense that we resolve all of our issues. The insatiable needs-our Ts can never take the place of what we missed out on. I say this after feeling loved for the first time in my life-from T. A taste of that just really had an activating affect on me. Or should I say intoxicating.

I do think that we can expect to end up "ok" after all is said and done. It takes time. It's good that you are thinking of this now. Some people think of a therapist as someone who can sort of magically heal them. It doesn't work that way. The fact that you do not have those expectations makes you better off in the long run.

You'll be ok.


*"We" being those who didn't have a good enough childhood.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Thanks for your understanding I've been in therapy for 9 months or so...I, too, feel like my needs are insatiable - that's a good way to put it. But I despise being needy. It's a horrible, painful conflict.

9 months. Significant. I think I remember that's when I hit the point of feeling the needs were endless and the future just more of the same, and yet I felt, too, that I was compelled to stay. The full impact of the attachment seemed to hit right about then.

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Idk. Either I like the pain on some level or the thought of it not working leaves me feeling more hopeless than when I started.

And I'm also very attached to my T by now. It would be like leaving in the middle of the surgical procedure.

I just want to know its going to be okay in the end, I guess ....

It's going to be OK because you're aware of yourself in the process. Really.

It is going to be ok, sometimes therapy can feel SO all-consuming, but it is SO worth all of the hard work and feeling needy and all of it. I recently wrapped up a 2 year "huge chunk of work" as my T called it at our last session, I initiated the termination conversation because I needed to take a break to well I guess assimilate everything, masticate it as she said, see what life is like w/out therapy for a change, see how the improved me handles life. I feel damn good, actually, and looking back at difficult parts of it from this side, I am SO THANKFUL my T talked me through those periods of feeling hopelessly needy and completely screwed up and insane and whatever else, my main thing I can offer is talk to your t about all of it. that is what helped me the most - I talked to my t about everything I felt about the process positive or negative. the work that I did with her and on my own between sessions wow i can honestly say it has made a HUGE difference for me. And I'm on a long break now, with the knowledge that no I'm not "done" may never BE "done", but will be moving on to a new T when I'm ready to start up again. Best wishes.

[IndieVisible]

Seriously, what did you expect therapy to be like? Exchanging funny stories with your T, just a great time? No, it's going to get painful and emotional some times. That's why it's called therapy. It's not barbaric at all, in fact they use kit gloves on us. I suppose it could be compared to pulling a tooth, hurts for a bit then you feel better after a couple of days once the pain wears off. If it's torture for you I would bring that up with your T. Perhaps you can both explore what might be causing you to feel that way. Good luck to you!

[growlycat]

I guess I can only refer to my own experience with therapy----that stage of endless pain and neediness does get "sated" at some point. Usually, though, I've needed T to meet me halfway in a caring gesture to finally feel like old needs were being met just enough to continue the painful process.

Hang in there!!! If it drags on over a year like this it may be a bad T fit. But it's probably just too early to know.

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by IndieVisible

Seriously, what did you expect therapy to be like? Exchanging funny stories with your T, just a great time? No, it's going to get painful and emotional some times. That's why it's called therapy. It's not barbaric at all, in fact they use kit gloves on us. I suppose it could be compared to pulling a tooth, hurts for a bit then you feel better after a couple of days once the pain wears off. If it's torture for you I would bring that up with your T. Perhaps you can both explore what might be causing you to feel that way. Good luck to you!

Well, no. I did not expect it would be a walk in the park. I've been to therapy in the past and that's another story for another day, but basically have not had this intense of an attachment with a T before....

I want the therapy to work for me. I want to understand how I can process things and "do the work" and how that will look on the other side. I'm not saying it should be easy or whatnot. I'm saying that I want to know Im not going to be in therapy for the rest of my life because I have things on hold that depend on me "getting better", or at least improving. I didn't go to therapy for nothing.

BOTH of my parents went to their own therapy for years and years, and both of them don't seem much for the better IMO. So why would I go too? Because I've tried everything I know how to try apart from it and nothing has made an impact. I've tried churches, community groups, self-help groups, self-help books, throwing myself into my work, prayer (still do this) and on and on.....still my suicidal thoughts, depression, anxiety, urges to Si and more persist. So I tried therapy and I really feel I've done my best despite the fact that my anxiety soars for hours before every session. My T is very kind and present and he's not a reason for me to get so anxious. It's prob the material that gets activated in T that causes these reactions.

So yeah. No, not a walk in the park. Just want to know all this isn't being done in vain.

[IndieVisible]

Are you on any meds? They really do help once you find the right combo and dosage and give them a chance to work. Nothing is going to help you better then therapy and meds. If you don't like your T switch to another. You can't make such a broad observation based on two people (your parents). I'm will to bet that a greater percentage benefit from therapy and meds, but sure not everyone. You can also open up to you T and tell him/her how you feel about coming to therapy. But don't give up on your greatest chance to improve!

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by IndieVisible

Are you on any meds? They really do help once you find the right combo and dosage and give them a chance to work. Nothing is going to help you better then therapy and meds. If you don't like your T switch to another. You can't make such a broad observation based on two people (your parents). I'm will to bet that a greater percentage benefit from therapy and meds, but sure not everyone. You can also open up to you T and tell him/her how you feel about coming to therapy. But don't give up on your greatest chance to improve!

No, I'm not on meds. I thought I was pretty clear that I'm very attached to my T so I'm really not wanting to find another one at this time. I know I can't base everything re: therapy on my parents' experience so that's why I'm trying.

I will talk to my T about it, thanks.

Originally Posted by Freewilled

Well, no. I did not expect it would be a walk in the park. I've been to therapy in the past and that's another story for another day, but basically have not had this intense of an attachment with a T before....

I want the therapy to work for me. I want to understand how I can process things and "do the work" and how that will look on the other side. I'm not saying it should be easy or whatnot. I'm saying that I want to know Im not going to be in therapy for the rest of my life because I have things on hold that depend on me "getting better", or at least improving. I didn't go to therapy for nothing.

[snip]

So I tried therapy and I really feel I've done my best despite the fact that my anxiety soars for hours before every session. My T is very kind and present and he's not a reason for me to get so anxious. It's prob the material that gets activated in T that causes these reactions.

So yeah. No, not a walk in the park. Just want to know all this isn't being done in vain.

I can very, very much relate to all of this. For whatever it is worth, I think nine months is pretty early days, and many people say that it does get worse before it starts getting better. It doesn't sound as if your T is the problem, rather, as you say, it's the stuff that's coming up that does it. Medication can help, and in particular it can help the therapy process - my T has spoken about this at length when he was trying to convince me to go on medication (he's a pdoc as well).

I hope things turn around for you soon. Even a small change, a session or two where you leave with a sense of lightness and relief rather than hopelessness and pain, can make it all seem more worthwhile.

[feralkittymom]

Freewilled, I seem to remember a thread you posted about your T talking about the relationship. It sounds like you're feeling the impact of the attachment and maybe a little overwhelmed by it? I suspect that's why your T keeps checking in with you about it. I found that felt recognition of the attachment both wonderful and scary at first. It left me feeling visible and cared for, yet also as though I were being buried and needed an escape hatch.

There were times when I needed the reassurance of hope. I needed to borrow my T's hope in the short term to get me to the long term. It's ok to ask for that hope.

[Arha]

Maybe it will help to compare therapy to some other medical procedures.
Such as surgery:
you are unwell so your doctor cuts into healthy tissue to get at other bits, and then cuts them out.
Does that sound barbaric?
I think sometimes we are limited by our current knowledge and we are learning more and our treatment of illnesses is improving. Surgery, while still an injury, is much less traumatic than it used to be.
We are learning a lot more about how far to push things, and when things help, and when they hurt. Physio is a really good example of this (and a much better comparison with therapy than surgery).

[FeelingOpaque]

Good relationships are even worse cause both of you watch each others pain without anesthetics.

[blur]

Many years ago in my recovery I experienced feeling incredibly angry for around 6 months. I'm not typically someone who experiences much anger so it was quite uncomfortable for me. It was about realizing how mistreated I was by my family. After 6 months I was wondering when the anger would go away. I think it did start to lessen after that as I kept turning it over to my higher power. It did thankfully go away eventually. So I think you will move past this in time. I don't know if there are any tricks your T can teach you to discharge it but it can't hurt to talk to T about it. It can be possible to get stuck in the pain but only you and T would know if that is the case. It may be you are just smack in the middle of grieving.

I also remember reading a passage from some book where they made a distinction between pain and suffering. They said that pain is from an actual emotional injury whereas suffering was more like being stuck in some unhealthy coping method that is causing us misery e.g. like drinking, self-harm or even the hopelessness of depression. Not sure if I'm explaining that all that well but trying to say if the pain is about grieving your past it is probably productive whereas if it is more from self-destructive tendencies then it may not be. For some on this board getting stuck in the transference is quite painful and shifting the focus onto what is causing the transference can help move to a more productive place.

So I think it can be helpful to look at what the pain is about to see what type it is (pain or suffering) to see if it is productive or not. Also if we're processing it (moving through it) or getting stuck in it. Either way I hope you are feeling better soon.

[Freewilled]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. They really do help me so much! I actually talked to my husband about this today and he said to think if it this way: it's not like my T is using a butter knife to operate on me with...maybe that is so...I'm still struggling with this idea but I'm trying to take a different perspective on it. Maybe my T is using all his "tools" in hopefully a skilled way. I think ultimately it's just hard to trust that he has my best interests at heart.