Fear of/memories of abandonment are crippling me.

I am struggling big time with abandonment right now. it's been at the forefront of my mind for the past few weeks and i am not quite sure why, i also dont know how to stop it.

Abandonment has always been an issue for me. I know where it stems from-my mother. When i was a child (5 or so) she would say that she was going to the corner shop for a pint of milk, or to visit our neighbour, and then disappear for a few weeks/months. We never knew when it would happen. Sometimes we'd come home from school and she's be gone, or sometimes we would wake up in the morning and she would have gone in the night. Other times i'd be playing in my room and she's just go without telling me.

I know the reason behind why i struggle with abandonment, and i see that it would make sense that i would struggle with it.

But it has ruined every relationship i have ever had. And now it is effecting my relationship with my T. I am terrified she'll abandon me. Now, logically i know she wouldnt abandon me without a good reason (like death for example), but although the adult side of my knows this, i cannot accept it to be true.

For some reason, the past 2 weeks have been horrendous. It (my T abandoning me) has been on my mind constantly, every second i am wondering if i am going to see her again or if she has decided not to give me therapy anymore etc

Abandonment really sucks

Have you thought about sharing your abandonment issues with your T? If I had a T, I would share my abandonment issues, so you are not alone.

Thanks for replying, catsrhelm.
She knows that i struggle with abandonment, and has been really good about it in the past. I did text her about it last week and she did all she could to reassure me that she wont abandon me..but i just cant seem to trust that.

I trust that she probably means it when she says it, but what's to say she wont change her mind 5 minutes later, or when she really gives it some thought? These are the thoughts i have, even though the logical side of me knows she is trustworthy.

The past few weeks have been so so bad, with me crying about this imagined situation in which she abandons me etc. i just don't understand why it is getting worse instead of better.

I have abandonment issues as well from my mother too. So they are very deep and I don't see them changing all that quickly because of how deep they are.

That said, I have learned to trust my shrink and know very well he would never abandon me. I've even tested this out and found it out for myself.

Perhaps you are trusting your therapist more and then the old feelings of fear are coming in to protect you? In other words, even though really difficult and painful, perhaps there is something positive in it in the sense that you are letting someone in, but having trouble really going with it all the way because you have these issues. And perhaps bringing up will give you a chance to get some relief and get a chance also to hear some reassurance that might help.

I wonder if maybe your T has done something that you're not acknowledging your angry about? Has she said or done anything that reminds you of your mum, has there been a recent lack of attunement between you and your T? The slightest and silliest of things can evoke the need to protect yourself from pending abandonment. Have a real good think about when these fears started becoming strong again and see if there has been anything between you and T that could account for it.

Thanks archipelago. Do you mind me asking how you tested it out? i have thrown all sorts of obstacles at my T and she has passed every test and jumped through every hoop..yet i still cant accept that she wont abandon me.

She is so understanding, and knows i do these things to test her due to my fear of abandonment, which is good. I am getting tired of myself and of worrying that she wont be there when i turn up for my nest session.

Nothing springs to mind Asia, but i'll definitely give it some thought. Thanks

I tested it by being a pain in the butt so I can't say I would recommend it. I just pushed him hard and demanded lots of outside contact, which made it difficult on him because he is very busy. I was doing this out of pure need and unconsciously in the sense that I wasn't really in control. He did stay with me though and proved once and for all that he would always be there. So I really try not to test him anymore and try to just go with it.

I think a much better way would have been to have a discussion about it in sessions. That way it is not being difficult or challenging in ways that inappropriate and really unfair. He know I'm sensitive to this issue so he takes time out to reassure me on his own without my having to prompt it. That feels really good and a much healthier way to test it.

By the way, I just thought of something that I did some time ago so I had forgotten about it. I had my shrink do a short voice recording that addressed this issue in a way. We had done some hypnotic inductions so we had already done "relaxation tapes" so it wasn't a big step to have a recording. First I find his voice soothing all by itself. On the tape, he says he is "here" and invites me to remind myself of things about him, his face, his office, the times we've had together. Then he also mentions his good will and true caring about me. It is like a reassurance and something that I have available to me so I don't have to bother him.

Do you think the increasing intensity of your abandonment fears might be due to getting, gradually, to a more trusting and safe-feeling place in your relationship with your therapist? In other words, is the attachment that can be so helpful to healing abandonment issues happening well right now?

When we are closer to getting what we want or need, I find we can be more anxious about it slipping away from us yet again.

Thanks Arch I too have been a royal pain in the bottom and my T has never made me feel like i am too much for her, asking for too much contact outside session etc. She is a rock...so i dont know why i cannot trust her when she says she wont abandon me. I trust her in every other way.
I love the sound of the voice recording that your T did for you..i'd like my T to do that but have no clue how on Earth i would ask her.

Leah- what an interesting thought. I certainly feel close to my T at the moment. After 4 years together, i have started opening up about the nitty gritty things that lurk in my mind. I guess you may be correct. Before i had my T, i had nothing to lose. i never let anyone get close to me, so i didnt have to worry about them abandoning me. but now i have my T, i know my heart would break if/when she abandoned me. I have more to lose than ever before.

Scary.

Yes, I wonder just like Leah if it a signal that you are letting your therapist in somewhat and that is triggering the old reservoir of emotions around abandonment. If that is the case it is actually a positive sign in a way, though I know that doesn't help you feel any better about it really. It's pretty complicated so going easy on yourself and finding the safety you need right now is the most important thing to do.

I so understand. I am really sorry this is so hard.

Although my abandonment issues are a bit different, I keep thinking my own T is going to abandon me at any moment too. I know how you feel.

I just keep telling myself over and over that he's not going anywhere and that he's told me many times that he'll work with me as long as I need him too. Wish I could get my heart and my head to believe that at the same time.

Thank You everyone, i really appreciate the support.
I text my T yesterday and explained how difficult i am finding this, and how strong the abandonment worries/memories are. She said that i could text her daily between now and our next session (Monday).
It was lovely of her to say that..but i am not sure i will. In the back of my mind i am wary of staying so attached to her, because she has the power to hurt me when/if she abandons me.

Urgh, this is so hard

That's great that you messaged your T and that she responded so well. I understand the ambivalence around staying attached to her, and I think it's good to be mindful of how contact with her affects you. In a way, she has opened herself to you, and you have the power to modulate how close to her feels comfortable (or comfortable enough). Is that something you could experiment with? Rather than making a decision to message her or not, try it once and see how it goes. Or choose not to message her one day, and see how that feels?