Circumstances for e-mailing

Today I brought a typed letter to my session, as it helps me open up more. My T tried to convince me to leave it with her, which is the third time she has asked and I have turned it down. When I expressed worry, she said "I just don't think we had time to get to everything today" (it was a long letter). I explained the letter wasn't written with the intent for her to see- it was vague and wasn't what I would consider coherent enough for her eyes because they're more like notes. I feel like I'd want to edit/perfect my letter before giving it to her.

Anyway, I feel bad that I've refused her three times now. Should I edit my letter and e-mail it to her as an attachment?
Here are my particular circumstances:
-She has strong boundaries.
-She e-mailed me for the first time last week to send me a research article, and didn't put anything else in the e-mail except for the link.
-My T and I have never really talked about e-mailing. She mentioned once months ago that perhaps we could start, but we didn't talk about the "rules" about that, and what that would mean.
-I won't see my T for a month, so if it crosses her boundaries, I can't rectify it for a long time.

Do you think I should, or does it sound like I'd better wait until I'm clear on what her boundaries are in terms of e-mailing? Has anyone ever e-mailed and had it backfire?

I think you should. You never know, it may make her so happy to know that you trust her enough to let her read it. Could be a milestone for you.

I would go ahead and do it. Can't hurt :-)

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I think you should as well!

Thanks guys! Yeah, I was worried that she thought it shows that I don't trust her. I guess my trust issues were getting in the way, but less about the information that I'd be telling her and more about needing to word it "just right."

I think next time you should also leave the unedited version. Even if it's not perfect it might be more honest than an edited version. I would email her, but don't edit too much. Let her see your raw feelings.

I would send as well, it might help a lot but I don't see how it ciuld make things worse... She could be happy that you trust her so much. I guess, in the worst case, she won't read it till the end of this year but in the best case, it may change a lot so why not to try?

Okay, thanks for your opinions! I guess I will! It's not like this e-mail will be out of the blue- she did ask for the letter, and technically she brought up e-mail months ago. And okay, I'll try to be as open as possible. It kind of stinks that I won't get her reaction to what I say until January, but at least I'll know I opened up as much as I could. And who knows? Maybe she'll surprise me with a response. But I won't be expecting that.

I guess I'm in the minority, but if it were me, I'd want to discuss boundaries and rules before sending that first email.

I think you should email it.
Maybe I feel that way because I've only ever given my T one thing I've written down. I always email!!

I think emailing it to her is a great idea! If it is a boundary, I'm sure she'll tell you.

I think you should send the unedited version but i think you should wait until a few days before you're due to see her, because what if you don't get a reply because her boundary is no work during vacation time? Will you see it as a rejection? Will you spend the entire holidays worried sick about her reaction or if she's read it etc, don't put yourself thru that.

Maybe you could email and at the end just say "could you just let me know you received it? This is anxiety provoking for me, and would just like to know you've received it at least."


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I agree with Asia about waiting a bit. I have sent things to my T during vacation and she does return my emails but she forgot to pack a charger and had to get hold of one. I DID panic a bit and was worried sick feeling like I was rejected.
Please wait!!

Yes l agree with Asiablue too. I used to email my T a lot, but would get so anxious if l didn't receive an immediate reply.

Hmm, yeah I never actually got permission to e-mail her. She is from a college counseling center, so I feel like there are different rules. I *think* it would be fine, but it's not certain. And like I said, she is strict on boundaries, and has told me that herself. She e-mailed me once, and asked my permission in session before she did that. So is it a reciprocal courtesy thing for me to ask her permission first?

Thanks for weighing in, everyone! I appreciate all of your ideas and I think it's a good suggestion to wait. But in my particular circumstance, if I were to wait it would have to be a whole month, and at that point I would feel no need to e-mail her since I'd be seeing her soon anyway. I could just give the letter to her in person. But I would feel like the "moment" had passed, whether that's valid or not. Do your views on the situation change since she has one more work day left tomorrow? She isn't technically on vacation yet. But yeah, I don't want to be panicking about this for so long...

I suppose I could call to ask if I could e-mail her, haha. But that would be a boundary thing too...

I feel kind of guilty for not letting her keep the letter. She deserves to be trusted, and she is going out of her way to show she cares by asking to keep it. And I just rejected it. She has gotten frustrated with me before over my inability to open up. I'm worried she will see this negatively for our relationship. :/

Could you call and leave a message on her machine? Or, even if you call tomorrow, you could ask if you could drop the letter off or email it to her as you've had a change of heart and would like to share it with her before you lose your nerve....?

I don't know, I think I would not manage to wait the whole month because as you said, in a month you could feel totally different and have no need to show her the letter anymore... I think, I would send it now but with the assumption that now she is on holidays and she won't read it, and that maybe she does not like the idea of sending her e-mails but then I guess she will tell "me" when we see each other in January... I always assume the worst case scenario so then I can be nicely surprised

But you know the best how you will feel, if she does not reply to your e-mail... Can you handle it? Would you feel better if you don't send anything or if you send but won't get any response till January?

Since you have decided to wait or so it kinda sounded to me. Take the unedited letter in when you see her in a month and ask if she still wants it. If she does still then you know the opportunity hasn't passed, if she doesn't well...you tried.

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Maybe Im playing devils advocate here but I would wait on the email. I wonder why she keeps asking for you to leave it with her in the first place. Does she say why? I don't think there is anything wrong with taking it to and from the appt.

If you are going to give it to her I would give the original copy

What if......

What if you emailed her the letter - unedited - and at the end said, as someone else suggested: "I am sorry if I am crossing any boundaries with this email, I didn't want to wait for a month for you to have the letter. I would like to discuss email boundaries when we meet. If you could please let me know you got this, a simple 'got it' will work, I'd appreciate it, and will look forward to seeing you in a month."

That way your T doesn't knows you don't expect to engage her in conversation via email, and you are acknowledging any potential boundary violation, and setting up for a boundary discussion upon your return.

My shrink accepts emails and does read them but doesn't do emails himself. So I tend to not use email as a means of communication very often. It is not necessarily a boundary thing. I think it is the amount of time he has. With so many patients if he had to respond to everyone he would be working double time nearly.

That is just my situation. But I mention it because there is a slight chance that even if your therapist accepts emails she might not respond in email form and wait till she sees you instead. Just so you are prepared in case you don't get a response right away. That to me would be frustrating.

I am so grateful for everyone here at PC for helping me through moments like this! I appreciated all of your comments and suggestions. I went back and forth many times over what I should do. In the end, I left her a voicemail asking if I could e-mail her; after thinking about it for awhile I got very worried that she would be frustrated over my lack of trust for her. I have frustrated her at least once in the past and I have only a few months left with her, so I felt guilty and regretful for not just taking a chance. But at the same time, I didn't want to e-mail without asking her permission. So I left the voicemail, and she e-mailed me in response very quickly, and said "You're welcome to email me, if you'd find it helpful. See you in a few weeks. Have a safe and peaceful break." I guess it went well, though I'm a tiny bit embarrassed for making such a production out of it. Now I feel like I could have waited. Oh well, I'm sure we'll have a conversation about all of this when I get back. It was strange to e-mail her for the first time. It was like I saw a test of what our relationship really is. Anyway, at least I don't have to feel guilty over the break.

She doesn't say why. She asked "would you like to leave the letter here with me?" once. I told her there were things I hadn't gotten to yet, so I should wait. My guess is that she knows from experience that I say more in my letters than I do out loud. I try to find the perfect way to phrase things all the time in therapy. Sometimes this makes me speak with a lot of pauses. So perhaps she wanted to see my unedited thoughts. At the same time, sometimes I would still rather have the experience of getting it out verbally than having her read it, depending on what I wrote.

Why did you ask? Did you find it strange that she wanted it?