two worlds

so again I woke up with my head spinning with bunches of crap. things from the past, things from now ,and T.

things just seem so crazy.im sorry ,I know I have talked about this over and over again but it is in my head and it is making me crazy and I just cant seem to figure out a way to talk about it with my therapist.

I feel like I have two world running in my head. I don't even know how to describe what it is like but I want to try.

one session my T and I were talking about how when I was younger the mother had brought me to her place for T. I figured it was because of how I was doing in school. how I did not talk or respond to teachers .I also did not do work or anything. anyway, she asked me how old I was and I thought around 3rd grade .she was always asking me how old. this made me decide to look up some of the report cards I know the mother had kept in the chest of hers . it turns out the mother had brought me to T when I was in second grade . the report card was horrific . it talked about how I don't listen or pay attention. i talk to the other students and so on. it completely freaked me out report card after report card talked about how my behavior was horrific. this is not how I remember it at all. when thinking about it or talking about it the memories I have is of refusing to talk to anyone ,hating the other kids. walking around the yard by myself. very different from what was written. but reading these I can see it in my head but I don't feel it .I feel more like how I remember it. it is like I have two realities in my head.in one I feel like a complete liar in the other I feel like others have been lying . im so confused.

this in turned made me want to start working on a time line of school and parts of my life .very basic stuff. stuff that I have proof of because of paperwork or entries in my journals I kept. for the most part my past and now all seem to be jumbled in one big story. no past no now and no time or ages.it is like something that went on when I was 5 still seems to be as if it is still going on now ,or yesterday.my T says im an adult now I don't need to be afraid of certain things .i don't feel that way.

so working on this time line has somewhat put this into perspective for me. at the same time it has brought up a lot of stuff for me . not new memories but bringing to the front the memories that I have .or even the way I have dealt with these memories, like SI or something. anyway I think doing this brought on this obsession with burning my finger tips . I did talk a small amount about this with my t .she asked if anyone had ever done this to me . this brought about the memory about the mother burning my fingers on the stove. when thinking about it,it was something that was done to me I dealt with it and was sent to my room. it was horrible and it was done. when talking to my T about it this is how I spoke of it .as she talked about it I saw myself as a screaming little brat ,it hurt I was misbehaving. sent to my room in great pain by the mother etc... this does not feel real at all. it feel like I have no idea what is right. but I keep obsessing over all of it. it is really like I have two different worlds running around in my head .I don't know what one to go with. I feel crazy,like I am lying but I don't know to who

I wish I could say something to you right now, but I have so many emotions idont know, but I sending you a big hug,

its ok sweetpea you are going through so much . thanks for reading this huge post and for responding

Abused kids act out in school...a lot. 2nd grade...that's 6/7 yrs old. Your teachers were idiots for not seeing all the signs. You weren't a screaming brat, you were a beaten child shrieking out for help.

thanks wiki it is just so strange how I remember things very different from what I am seeing written and other things when I talk about them.it really makes me doubt everything.it is just crazy

Granite...I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. I hope things relax a bit for ya. And just my 2 cents but maybe the truth is somewhere between what u r reading and what u remember? I don't know just an idea. I really hope things settle down for you soon.

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times a million!!!!
you should look up gaslighting. your mother was an expert at it, and which is partially why (i think) you are so doubtful of yourself.

Granite - those records do not invalidate your memories. Both can be correct. Also those reports were from adults who only observed from the outside. They did not observe your internal experience or your perception of outside experiences.

Please do not invalidate your emotions by distrusting them so much. Your emotions are pointing a certain direction and they have clues to your healing. Even if some of the absolute 'facts' do not align (how will we ever know for sure?), it still does not diminish your own experience.

You are NOT lying!!!!!

Also, you were not horrid as a child. Show me one child who has not talked to other students out of turn, who has never been inattentive, who's not been rowdy on occasion and I'll show you a child who does not exist.

If those report cards are accurate, they're nothing to be ashamed of. Perfectly normal for a child to be inattentive. Remember - a teacher is always needing to 'corral' the children to make her life easier and those who don't easily 'corral' will always be noticed.

Not a bad thing. They say the geniuses of the world never fit into a mold - they dance to a different tune. It can be a very good thing and does not make a child horrible - not in the slightest.

Please try to be kind to yourself and not worry so much about what is 'true'. YOUR truth is true.

Many hugs.

Granite, I think the observed behavior and the internal experience of an abused child can look like very different realities.
I have an abused child in my class right now. She has had observable injuries and has disclosed some physical and sexual abuse (we have reported them and her family is 'under the care' of the local authorities) but she is still living in the abusive environment. Until there is more evidence and someone is charged with her abuse there is little any of us can do except for give her safety, comfort and security at school. Unbearable, but true.
Her behavior at school is appalling. She is obviously a child in great distress, and it shows. She is angry, aggressive, and reactive, constantly attention seeking. We are aware of her extreme emotions every second of the day that she is at school.
However, we are looking at her behavior through the lens of her reactions to abuse. She is *so* afraid. In between her breaking things, hitting people, yelling and screaming, I see that she is constantly on the verge of tears. She is continiously engaged in this internal struggle of wanting to reach out, wanting desprerately to speak, to tell, and be comforted, and her fear of whatever threats she has been told will be carried out if she does. She is driven by this push / pull of her desperate need to be safe.
If she were to look back on her behavior now I would almost bet that she would remember herself as being alone and silent, because that is what seems to be driving everything she does - her inability to tell. This kid wants to tell so badly but is so, so afraid. That one need colors every single thing she does.

She is talking (yelling, screaming, raging) all the time, but she never says a thing.

Maybe it was like that for you too, but the teachers back then didn't know as much about abuse and its affects, and only saw the behavior. I see a little of my own child self in the girl in my class too.

I had this explained to me by a LISW once. I am not sure, if my recollection of how it was explained to me, will translate to this post, but here goes...

Our brains are two parts. Logic/Emotion. When we are little, sometimes, our memories are distorted because the emotion will cloud the logic and being kids, our ability to articulate to others, never mind ourselves is limited in expression. And this could explain why you are served with two distinct memories surrounding one specific incident. Your adult brain is trying to sift through the child memories and without someone to actually state the facts, it's hard to know the true reality. Either, your fingers were burned on a stove or the pain was as painful as a burn on the stove, either way, your memory of being a 'brat' could be childhood logic, kwim?

As far as recalling being more anti-social on the playground and written documentation of acting out in class, that's not so far fetched, as those report cards, do not monitor, nor note playground behavior. Both, could be true.

Granite, why do you label your behavior as "horrific"? That's not a word that would come to my mind to describe what you have related. I think you do yourself a great disservice by shaming and labeling yourself as you look back on your past. Breaking that identification with what the mother may have said to you is a powerful step to take. I don't think you leave any room for other feelings to begin to feel real as long as you accept such self-punishing language. What do you think you might feel if you just chose to describe yourself from the past in more neutral terms?

like I said I cant get this stuff out of my head I was thinking about when my T confronted me about being upset at her not calling me when she was not there and I showed up (she did I had just not gotten the call) the sectary told her that I was very upset. this was not how I saw it at all . she said that my T had call everyone and I responded with except me.it wasn't mean, loud or anything at all. as I was leaving she said that she would have my T call me .I said don't bother .now I know that statement was probably showing how irritated I was but I was not loud ,mean or anything when I said it .that was the whole interaction .I left after that .it was all of 1 min interaction. anyway I get to my next session and my T confronts me .telling me that her sectary said I was extremely upset . that it was not the secretary fault it was hers etc.... acted like I was way out of line etc... I don't know if I was way out of line ,if my T thought I was or if that is just how I am seeing it, did I behave inappropriately or disrespectful to her secretary . I just don't know . all I feel is that I got yelled at by T for something I don't understand I did wrong. i hate that I even showed any emotion. I wonder if this is what has been going on in my life. was I really what the mother said and I created this world that said she was abusive . but then I always feel like I act like a spoiled child .even as an adult .i am so confused about what my reality really is . sometimes I am so so sure then it all falls apart and switches and is unrecognizable. I don't know .

It sounds as though you often dissociate, and that does alter your perceptions. Sometimes I wouldn't be able to hear clearly--like I was far away from the other person--and so I would raise my voice, but it wouldn't sound that way to me. And sometimes it would feel as though the other person were shouting at me, or an emotion like anger was heightened, but the reality wasn't that at all. It was my anxiety changing how my senses worked. It wasn't a memory issue, but a sensory difference because of dissociation.