[Freewilled]

So I had a very hard, but maybe good, session tonight and kind of wanted to share a thought I had....

I'm thinking that maybe, just maybe, appearing strong and in control is a part of my problem, because my T doesn't know I'm hurting as deeply as I really am. And maybe I didn't even really (consciously) know how deeply I am hurting (?) but I'm feeling it now and have been for the past couple days. It's gotten to be a pervasive hurt and it just radiates from inside my chest/stomach. Like when you need to cry - only no real tears come to release it.

Anyway, I'm wondering if this could possibly be true that I have some choices during a session:

Option #1: I act strong and with very little need. I act fine. I sometimes convince myself I'm fine. So maybe the natural T response would be to treat me like I'm fine. He might try to get underneath the facade, but I snap back and keep him locked out. Then maybe there's nothing he can do. He might even start to treat me like I'm fine when I try to leak a bit of the pain out and then his mis-attunement stings and I lash out again.

Or option #2: I try not to push my feelings away and I sink into them. I embrace them. Even if there are no words. And my T can see my pain and feel my hurt. So he can be there with me. He responds with compassion. And if I don't push it away, I might be able to feel it and it might help in some way (?)

Thoughts?

[newlyborn0372013]

Your post really struck a cord with me. I feel your struggle here.

I think option 2 would definitely be best. the real healing would be able to begin once you release that deep hurt you're experiencing.

[sweepy62]

I do option 1 alot but t sees throught it, option one causes inner pain. Option 2 showedup in session last week, and it felt like a bit of a release, but I got scared of my emotions and retracted. So im stuck now. As for you, I would say go with option two.

[Lauliza]

If I'm understanding right, then it seems like you've come to an important self realization here and are onto something big.

If you go into session acting strong, in control and "fine", then that is how your t will respond to you. Therapists are not able to read our minds and should attempt to create a problem if their client is telling them there isn't one (print saying anything). That is why they are supposed to avoid leading statements.

However us patients, andeven the general public, tend to have this view of the T as having a kind of sixth sense about their patients, that they are supposed to just know what is going on inside of us because thats what they do.

The reality is thats reallynot what they do. Theyve been trained in theory and effective communication. From this theyve learned the skills to help us identify these things in ourselves. From there he can guide you on how to handle them from here. So option number 2 :-)

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[tooski]

I do option 1 a lot in therapy, and it gets me nowhere. Emotional pain is like physical pain - it tells us there's something wrong. I try to avoid the pain because well, it hurts! But feeling it releases it, and it starts to ease up, like lancing an infection so all the crap can ooze out and it can start to heal. (Sorry for kind of a gross post!!) And if I can do this in session, T is always helpful and compassionate, and very accepting and validating. When I hide it from him, then he doesn't get to do his T thing

But seriously, I think option 2 is the way to go, as scary and difficult as it can be. It sounds like you're really thinking this through and are making progress with it.

[Karrebear]

Hmmm... you bring up a very good point. Thinking about it, I guess I do #1 every time. I try and stay so strong no matter the situation because I am extremely embarrassed to cry in front of ANYONE. Almost to the extent where its like a phobia.

Very good insight, Freewilled

GO #2!!

[shelbykay]

After a year of Option 1, I tried Option 2 a few weeks. I still had barriers up, but I let t see that things aren't really fine. I didn't tell her how deep down my issues are, but I showed her there is more going on than I've made known. She was comforting and I was convinced that she genuinely cared about me as a person. Option 2 has been making more guest appearances, but Option 1 shows up in therapy more often.

I'd recommend trying Option 2. It can be uncomfortable, but it's helping therapy progress.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I tend towards option 1 - pretending everything is fine - most of the time. It was very hard to let go of that in front of my T. When it happened, it was spontaneous, but a very good thing in the end. My T knew that I was afraid of a certain situation, but I don't think she really knew the extent of my terror because I was typically very calm when discussing it, even though I was freaking out in my mind. T caught me by surprise one day and brought up the situation before I was prepared, and I completely freaked out - full blown panic attack and dissociation. That genuine expression of emotion (option 2) helped T to see how much this situation was really affecting me, and it helped her to have a better idea of how to help me.

However, I'm slowly learning that sometimes, a middle ground is necessary. I can't spend all of a session steeped in my emotions, but I can't spend all my time pretending I'm fine either. I try to "dose" my emotional experiences in T - by that I mean that if we are talking about something that is triggering a strong emotional response, I might limit how much time we spend on that topic, or ask T for a break, or ask if we can do a grounding exercise after, so that I'm not stuck in those emotions.

[Elektra_]

the only way therapy works is if u be open about what u feel/think. otherwise u wont be doing anything there. so 2 is the way to go.. tc

Option 2 can make things worse, too. At least that is my experience. When there are no words and I can't push feelings away, the result is (for me) that I leave T feeling a lot worse because there is no release (for me) and no healing in lying there and feeling horrible and feeling alone because T is not responding because I'm not saying anything he can respond to. It happened yesterday, and it was reslly bad.

Not to say that anybody should ever be inauthentic with their T. Not at all. It's just the situation when there are no words that is not necessarily a way to healing, I think. Not for everyone.

Added: I hadn't read Rhi's post properly before posting: yes, getting stuck in the emotions is what happens with me, too easily.

[Freewilled]

I think the biggest part of my insight is more that maybe my T isn't maliciously hurting me the times he says or does things (or doesn't do things) that hurt....I don't know how to explain it well, I'm sorry.

It's more that all my life I've felt that everyone leaves - they hurt me- and deep down I think my theory has been that it's because there is something wrong with me. I'm weird or defective or just strange. I can't deal with people. So I hold myself in because it's too painful. SO painful.

But during session yesterday, for a moment, I saw that maybe my demeanor is also impacting the way things go sometimes. I'm not blaming it all on me, but it made me see that maybe I have more control or more of an impact on things than I thought I did.

Not sure this makes any sense. It's not meant to say this is for everyone or even that it's necessarily a good thing for me lol I was just wondering if it was something that had meaning for me or not and trying to get feedback. Thank you for all your thoughts on the matter

Option 3: Acknowledge your feelings, let them come, and work with them. AND actually tell your T what you are feeling and ask him for help. Option 2 still sounds a bit like your want/expect your T to read your mind. You have to find the courage to really communicate what is going on.

[BlessedRhiannon]

Not sure this makes any sense. It's not meant to say this is for everyone or even that it's necessarily a good thing for me lol I was just wondering if it was something that had meaning for me or not and trying to get feedback

It makes sense to me. After I really showed T my emotions in that one session, it kinda clicked for me that maybe that's why people don't always understand when I try to explain how I'm feeling. I can say it with words, but I don't express it. It's the expression that really helps other people to connect what you're telling them with the emotion and that helps them know how to respond.

It's like, I can tell someone I'm panicking, but if I'm internalizing the panic instead of allowing it to show (usually in the form of a panic attack), then their response is going to muted to match the emotions I'm displaying to them. If I'm visibly panicking, it's easier for the other person to respond appropriately because they have something concrete (other than just my words) to work with.

I don't think your T is intentionally hurting you when he does or says things that hurt, it's just that if you're not giving him something "visible" to work with, he's kind of stumbling around in the dark, hoping not to bump his toes on the furniture. If you shine a little like (show some emotions) then it's easier for him to navigate.

[Asiablue]

Option 1 is safe, it's doing what you've always done. And if you're really fine then why would you go to therapy and pay to tell a therapist just how "fine" you are about everything? It might be your version of safe to pretend things are fine but safe isn't always healthy, safe isn't always happy. Option one keeps you exactly where you are.

Option 2 Isn't safe but it opens up many possibilities for growth. Option 2 is real.

[granite1]

option #2 seems to be so hard.at least it is for me .but I bet it will give your T a better idea of what you are going through. I know I need to practice this myself .it is hard to see that one might have a choice but I guess in some way we do

[BlessedRhiannon]

Really, Chris' option 3 is ideal, but that takes time and practice to get to. Start with allowing yourself to be "not fine" in therapy sometimes (option 2) and work towards acknowledging the feelings, feeling and expressing them, and working through them. I'm finding that much harder to do than I thought it would be, but it's possible.

How does one translate the pain into words, then?

[Freewilled]

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

Option 3: Acknowledge your feelings, let them come, and work with them. AND actually tell your T what you are feeling and ask him for help. Option 2 still sounds a bit like your want/expect your T to read your mind. You have to find the courage to really communicate what is going on.

I do tell him what I'm feeling to the best of my ability - yet, I have this instinct to push the feeling away so when I say I'm feeling sad, for example, I minimize it or tell myself I have no reason to feel that way. This is automatic - it happens as an internal shift even when I try to keep it out of the session. It's not done purposefully.

Last night with T, I was more able to hold the feeling. In fact, the feelings were so present they radiated almost. I dont know how else to describe it - they just permeated and were pervasive. I dont know....

I don't have words a lot. It's almost like pre-verbal **** or something. I struggle to verbalize - it's just where I am.