Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear T,
In the e-mail after the last session I wrote some important things but at the end I mentioned that probably as always, this e-mail would not be up to date when we meet next time... I was right, so many things has happened in between that this e-mail is not important anymore... Today, we'll have a session and I am sure you will want to address issues which I brought up in the e-mail... But that's not what I want to talk about today, i have much important/urgent issues but how will I address them when you start talking about the e-mail? You might think that I just want to avoid its content...

Dear T
You told me to use my CBT and ask is this possible? Or probable? When dealing with my fears that something bad will happen. Then, i leave your office, see a truck full of liquid nitrous oxide and think" it's going to dump on me and instantly freeze me!!" So, there you go. Didn't take long. Then I thought,"what's the probability? So I'm working on what you suggest to me. It takes time to re-train one's thought processes. Thanks for the help yesterday.

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I want you to know that I'm not feeling better after speaking to them. Our plan didn't work. So no, you're not done with me yet. Please don't get rid of me, if you can.

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Yesterday I just had some strange transference attack. haha
I am much better today. I couldn't be happier with you as my therapist.

I wish I could hug you. Maybe someday.

I just don't get it.

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I don't think you realize how much it means to me that you read and respond to every email and tell me to write as much as I want to. Thank you.

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Okay T. You'll get a laugh out of this.

As you know, I had to cancel our son's appointment with you yesterday because I was too sick to get him there. So, I dragged myself out of bed to pick him and his brother up from school, and I told him I had to cancel his appointment (I was concerned he would be upset about it).

No need to have worried. He got this huge smile on his face. I said, "Now son, I thought you might have been looking forward to seeing him."

He said, "Mom, who really looks forward to seeing their therapist." I just had to laugh -- from the mouth of babes . . . .

Dear T

I am thinking a bit more clearly this afternoon. I am aware that I need to bring up the 'friends' conversation but really don't know how...please help me to talk about it. Please don't be anything other than gentle. I am scared that i'll come away feeling even more rejected.

HT.

MJ--

Does it at all matter to you how much damage this is doing? Again, it's not what you're asking me to do that's the problem, even if I don't like it. It's how you're asking. And by "asking" I mean telling.

I have to assume--or at least hope--you're not playing some game, since you castigated me for what you misunderstood and took to be game playing on my part. So if it's not game playing is it that you're a sadist, or do you just want me to go?

You ask where my anger is all the time, and here it is directed at you and that seems to irritate you as much as me not being angry with them. I feel like we're locked in a death spiral. If you want it over, just say so and quit drawing it out in the name of "review." I've complied and you're still not happy.

Really, I'll be alright with or without you, but this limbo is maddening.

Dear t,

Where did that hug come from?

Dear T -

I wish you wouldn't talk so much. The more you talk, the more human you seem. I need more than just a human.

CK

Dear old T,

You said you would send me notes from our sessions.

It's been a week.

Canada Post says it should take between 1-2 days to get from your office to my condo.

I know you're busy and I know you have other clients and I know I'm not a priority (was I ever?) but seriously, either you have no idea how anxious I am about this, which would make you stupid, or you do have an idea of how anxious I am about this, which would make you very, very cruel. I know it's not your damn issue; it's mine to deal with all by myself. But seriously...I just want a piece of paper with your writing on it. Really, it would make me feel so much better to have that, to have something. And it's making me so, so anxious to feel all forgotten like this.

Dear T,

Whhhhhhy did I have to look at the website? Now i'm back to having problems with our financial arrangement. Uh! Why didn't you tell me things had changed? I know you said it won't affect us but I feel like i'm using you or something. You told me to trust that you were okay with it and I said I would but I'm realizing now that nope - i'm not. Not after finding this last thing out. *sigh*

I sort of hinted that things were okay with my money problems and seeing you. But they're not. And we need to talk about it. And I hate bringing it up. So ugh.

Dear T,

Ok. So I guess my issue now is do I trust you like I said I did and would try to OR do I say something to you?

Dear pdoc,
You have such a big ego and try to treat me like one of your students. Did you even realize you told the same story for the 3rd or 4th time? I almost interrupted you.But you make it impossible to talk, can't get a word in edgewise. At least there's no changes in medication.

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Dear T
I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you I miss you.

Well isn't this embarrassing. Hi I'm twelve years old and hate and love you simultaneously. Awesome.

Dear T

I am fc.king miserable and i can't even tell you, cos it's you who's causing it.

I don't think you realise how much it means to me that you are there for me every week. Just you turning up is amazing. I am so grateful. I wish I could ask you for a hug. I wish you were my mother. Just think how different I would be!

Aargh!!!! Please make the world stop. I want to get off, then after I've slept for a long time, maybe I could try again?

CBT T- You forgot me!!!

Dear T,

Did you ever lose someone you relied on? Someone who you knew would be there for you when the world was closing in? Someone you admired and believed in? Someone who helped you through tough times? Did you ever lose someone precious to you??

I did.

will there ever come a time that i stop missing you????????????????????????????????!

Dear T,
I was brave and called you. I was honest about being at a "9". I didn't break any of my promises. I told you how I felt so unloved by everyone.

WHY THE _ DID YOU TELL ME YOU CARED ABOUT ME BECAUSE I AM YOUR "JOB"?!?!?!

Yeah that really would make someone cling to hope when they have suicidal thoughts. Tysvm! I am cured. Yes, me loving myself is more important than others loving me. I am now healed and complete!