Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear new T,

Your turn. I miss you.

I feel stupid.

T,
I don't think an hour is enough this time. I've ****ed up these last 2 weeks and destroyed my life. Everyone is stressed about me. I think I'm doing well. I'm going to give you my notes but I want to say it out loud.

Dear T,
Not having you accessible to me via email on the weekends is hard for me.

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Dear T,

The only way I can get through this is to believe that the truth will come out, like it or not, and there will be a judgment day. Even so, it still won't change what's been done to me and I will have to live with this pain forever. You are not even sorry for what you've done. You go on having a good ole time with your life after what you've done to me and I wake up having to face the repercussions every day.

I need more support. I just don't have the money nor do I feel like you really are willing to go the extra mile. No one in my life has ever done a little extra for me. I just pay you for a service. Why would I ever think you might could offer a little extra support?

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Dear T,
I know you can't read minds, I know skills group is not the place to dwell on personnel problems... But I would have liked you to realize I was having a hard time today, and just ask if I was ok. Also I don't know if you purposely didn't schedule any individual session for a month or not, but at that time I was fine with it as lately we keep going in circles and sessions are a bit pointless. But right now I wish I didn't have to wait for two more weeks... My horse has serious health problems, and I have no idea what to do with him... For now I can only wait and see, but I hope that when we know for sure what is wrong with him, you'll be there for me if my biggest fears become true...

I KNOW you told me this forum is unhealthy for me, and I KNOW that the fears I have popping up as a result of things I'm reading on here are unmerited by anything you have done or said, but please address them with me yet again. sigh. I am aware I am deadly repetitious.

Oh hey, you effed up. I guess we get to have our first experience with me being annoyed as all get out with you, huh? This'll be fun. :/

To my lovely T:

Do you want me to bury my past and forget my trauma? Is that what is best for me? Is it because you don't want to hear it or aren't sure how to help me move past it?
Sometimes the past cannot just be "accepted" without processing it. I don't want to push it if you don't think it will be helpful to my healing....but the flashbacks are unbearable sometimes.
Also, I get so much anxiety when you take forever to respond to my texts! Those two-days-long conversations sure are stressful!!!

Love, Alexis

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I'm trying like hell to trust you, especially since I genuinely care for you, but I very much would like to ask you what the fudge is going on here? Please please contact me and fill me in so my mind stops obsessing about all the worst case scenarios. Please please don't let the trust I had for you be completely and utterly misplaced...I don't think I can handle it if that's the case.

Dear T,

I just do not feel like talking this week. Can I just sit there and listen to you instead? Or drink my Starbucks and read? Anything really. I'm just not feeling it. Can we cancel? Ugh.

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Dear T and Pdoc,
Please understand how difficult this decision is. You are asking me to risk everything. I know you're both right, but I don't want to go. And with my injury, who is going to help me? Maybe if I wasn't injured, it would be easier. But who is going to help me wash my hair? Get dressed? How will I do my share of chores. Of course you are right, but I am terrified. Why can't you just make the decision for me

I feel like I am being forced into making this decision. I don't want you to force me.

This I definitely don't know how to tell you.

You have become a small arrogant smug shallow and superficial excuse for a therapist, for a person in fact. I think you've been coasting in your arrogance for so long you no longer question your own motives and methods and as a result you don't even deign to listen to whether my criticisms and needs might actually be valid.

I have lost all respect for you, and I realized last session that you have no and never did have any respect for me. You set yourself up in a total win win situation, on the one hand making out you are the stronger wiser other, on the other hand constantly repeating that you don't know if you can help me. Playing subtle psychological games that I am now thinking are part of an elaborate countertransference on your part.

You've made therapy into a competition, a set up of win/lose and you of course, have to be the winner. You make therapy about you, not me and I come away bewildered by your comments and opinions wondering what they have to do with me or what I've been talking about.

I have no hope that this therapy is going to improve, and I have even less hope that it ever will be, or ever was for that matter, helpful to me in any way.

And I'm seeing you in a few hours and I have no idea what to say. I don't want to say anything, because I know whatever I say, you won't hear me you won't listen to it and you'll just invalidate and dismiss me.

I just do not want you to go away for 2 weeks. Really, how inconsiderate can you be? How dare you have a life outside of our sessions?

But seriously, 3 weeks between sessions.....at this point? Sheesh!

T,
Reading JaneC's post I've just realized that I have a similar problem... I have the feeling that I will be resistant at today's session and it scares me a bit as last time when I was resistant it did not end up very well... Of course there are many reasons for it but one of them for sure is the fact that we'll have a long break... We'll meet today and next week but then we'll have 5 weeks break... More than a month... That's really a lot, how can I think about the trauma work when I know that this huge break is coming? Of course it's not your fault it's just bad luck first I go for holidays, then you go, then I have a conference etc etc... I have never had so long break, will I come back after 5 weeks?

Dear T, it's so difficult.

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Dear T,
Often between sessions I feel I cannot wait until the next time.
Since our talk about boundaries, I feel like our relationship has changed, especially due to things I have learned elsewhere.
It has been too long since I last saw you. Right now I am feeling anxious about our appointment.
Too much has happened and not happened since our last time together.
I feel odd, strange, uncomfortable.
I think I need you a lot just now, but cannot say exactly why.

Dear T,

I haven't seen you in so long. I have an appointment with the P-doc this Thursday so I might bump into you in the halls- although I'd prefer not to. I just wanted to let you know how far I've come and grown. I want to book a session with you and tell you all that I've learned through self-help books and how much I've progressed and finally taken your advice but I can't face saying good-bye to you. So I'll guess I'll leave it like this; more of a see you later than a goodbye.

I feel so guilty for wanting to reject your help, and for all I put you through dealing with me. I don't want to be difficult, but I know I must appear to be extremely difficult and annoying. I am just scared. I hope you see that, and understand why it makes me react in the ways I do.

Dear T,
I don't want you to leave. What am I going to do?

Dear T,

I was furious with you last night. I mean rip roaring mad (I'm not violent though, don't want you to get the wrong idea). Then today....I thought about your good qualities...and...well...I guess I'll be seeing you next week.

It would be so much easier if I could just take you at your word ... and quit worrying
(i'm sure you know this)

I can't keep doing this. I know I have to, but I can't. And I can't go back to being unaware either. I'm stuck in the middle, it feels like forever to get back to the start, and also impossibly forever to get to the finish...and I feel like I am going nowhere. What am I going to do?

I'm going to see you tomorrow. I want to have session outside, but knowing me I would get distracted. Let's do it anyways.

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