Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear x-pdoc,

I have written so many letters to you and yet none of them feel right to send. It's as if I'm throwing words into the void. I'm starting to realize these letters are more for me than you. It has helped me to realize a few things: 1) writing these letters is my way of journaling and processing what has happened, 2) just because I have come a long way doesn't mean you want or need to know even though you planted the seeds of my wellness, and 3) while I have come a long way, I still have a long way to go. I think these realizations have given me peace about not making contact with you...no matter the reason. Hard to believe but I think I can finally say goodbye and mean it. Goodbye.

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Dear ex-t, I miss you. thanks for the walks and talks, those were really great and you had good ideas to share, things to say. Thank you.

Dear Former Therapist,

Thank you for helping learn to live MY life.

GTGT

Woke up from a dream where you were my mother. I love you. I love you effortlessly without needing to think about it or try. It upsets me to think that maybe you don't believe me when I say that or think that it is irrelevant because I've told you before. It doesn't change the fact that I love you.

Dear T, it's National Poetry Month, and I'm doing the poem-a-day challenge again of course, so here you go this about says it all:

tell me, will it
ever stop
the wanting of something
I can't have with you?
Even when I'm alone
I'm not
because you're there with me
in every thought
in every feeling.
Do you know?
Can you sense it?
Do thoughts of me ever intrude
unbidden?
Tell me, will I
ever want to make it stop?

Grrrrrrrr

T,
And you think that probably my parents are not the best parents in the world? My? We always visit them with a pleasure, love spending time with them etc... But we do not like (and actually mostly my husband) spend time with my parent-in-law... They are very nice but somehow toxic...
Yesterday my Dad had a stroke, just left the intensive care unit, on Monday he'll have the surgery, immediately we've bought plane tickets and have just landed in our homeland... In meantime my husband let his mum know what happened (our parents are very good friends) and what was her (my mother's-in-law) reaction? "Oh, sorry to hear, but you go to visit your parents-in-law and not us? you visit us only when you really have to, while you now are going to spend your holidays with your parents-in-law, you like them more than us..." etc. etc... How someone can say something like that to her own son?!
I start getting what people mean by emotional abuse, my parents-in-law know exactly how to make my husband feeling guilty (sorry I'm too egoistic - I don't feel guilty, I just feel mad...)

Please help me. I need you more than ever right now - but you are not available. I have to wait until our next session. That hurts. I want to contact you, I need you. I am falling apart and I really need to see you, to be In your calming presence, to see the expression on your face. To feel safe.... and loved(?)I know that's wrong but I just need some extra support. I'm sorry. Xx

Dear T,

Thanks for listening to me - that's how I am....I appreciate you not pushing me. It seems to have helped more than I thought. I feel much better today and more in touch with how I feel in a way that is bringing me some semblance of peace. I really *needed* that.... I don't know why I feel better but maybe I don't need to know right now.....

Sorry if my talks are so messy and pointless sometimes, there are so many things going on and I'm really scared. And we ran over again - I wish you told me, because I don't want to risk to get you annoyed because of that.

And I really wouldn't mind if you explained that to me openly, really, but I saw you trying to use your phone at some point. Now I find myself thinking about it.
Please, just.. don't do that.

Please.

You just did not get it today and that makes me sad.

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After two years, shouldn't I be able to talk to you without fear? Shouldn't we have the type of relationship that I can tell you anything by this point? Geez...therapy is hard.

CBT T- Where are you?

Dear T,
You asked me what I am passionate about aside from fitness, that can be a healthy crutch for me (especially since fitness is now a compulsion.)

Today, I went to a ghost hunters store and bought books on crystals and their powers in intuition and opening the third eye "psyche" chakra, incense, various crystals, and sage. I then proceeded to talk to the owner about the evil spirit that's followed me around for the past 10 years, since I was about 12 years old.

Think I'm crazy yet?

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Dear T,

Soooooooo.....I have decided I will probably never get therapy. Like the point. I feel like I went in there being "myself" - keeping very strong boundaries as that's what I believe is essential for me to be safe. I can't get close to people because I AM CRAZY, T! But no one believes me when I give off the vibe that says, "Stay away - I'm dangerous. I will be hurtful even when I don't mean to be. It's inevitable. Honestly - I'm a very bad person. Just.stay.away." They think I look too normal or fine, I guess...I dunno. Or maybe they think they can "fix" me

Then it ends badly. I hurt people because I can't connect. I do stupid things. I say the wrong ****. I'm ****ed up, T. I know I'm not likable. I know I'm insufferable. I feel guilty for subjecting myself into your professional life. I see that scared look on your face sometimes and it breaks my heart. Especially since you seemed to try to get me to loosen the boundaries so they weren't so rigid...I resisted so much. You persisted. I explained why I needed to keep you at arm's length the best I could, but you pressed in. This went on for months and months until finally I cracked. I let myself be more vulnerable...

But I'm pretty sure I freaked you out now.

I probably caused some problem by being too open. Too much. ****ing needy. T! You know from early on I've been pleading with you to see that I'm a bad person and you wouldn't believe me. Why?? I did it because I didn't want to hurt you - to cause you difficulties. To subject you to the intensity of those issues for which I literally have no words. Now that I gave up the fight, I'm pretty sure you can see what a weirdo I am and I just creep you out you don't know how to rid yourself of me and I don't know how to just leave as I have this almost hard-wired, driven need that compels me to resolve this. Now what??

Sorry, but I *did* warn you....

You're driving me crazy!

Dear T,

Please, please don't be upset at me because I asked for an extra session. I don't care if you say no, but please, please don't be upset. Please. I wouldn't know what to do if you were.

I know you don't really care about me but I don't want to go to the trouble of replacing you since my time in this state is limited.

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I wish I knew if you were ok. I hope you are doing ok. I wish there were something I could do for you! Please take care of yourself. Are you going to be mad at me if I send you another card?

Oh T.... most of the time I am doing well but in the evening when I'm at home writing it so often turns into youyouyou. Why am I so attached to you and why do I miss you so much. I want a longer session on the 24th. I've never asked you for a longer than 50 minute session and I don't want to bother you again before then to ask. You have never said I am bothering you when I get in touch between sessions but still. I'm going out in the desert tomorrow to write and take pictures. I wish you really were psychic like we joke about then you would know I want a longer session and could tell me you already know and maybe say it's okay. I have too many feelings about you tonight. Meh.

Dear Dr.
I'm sorry I didn't show up for my last apt. I apologize to all the people in your office. I got your letter in the mail. It says I was supposed to pay 30 days ago, but it hasn't been 30 days since that appointment. When I called to see if I could get my apt changed to an earlier time ( I said I wanted to see if instead of thursday at 1 could come monday or tuesday) the receptionist said she didn't see any appointment for next thursday at 1. :-(, but I just scheduled it this past monday. It made me feel like you deleted my appointment, you didn't want me to come. I understand though, I wish I went to my last appointment:-(.

Dear T,

I'm 31 and I still soil or wet myself for attention.

Wolf ^^ why do you think you do this for attention? Have you discussed this with your medical doctor? You may have some physical problem that is completely out of your control. Best to have this checked out and not presume it is psychological.

No, I definitely don't. Trust me. I used to lie about having a medical problem to get the attention, but that tends to back fire.

I need to talk to you about changing my weekly appointment time to work around a class this summer. I realized a minute ago that if we can't find another time that works, I'll cancel my class.

Commitment to the process, or just plain weird? You decide. (And then I'll ignore your decision and do what I want, anyway.)

I hope one day I can help you the way you have helped me and that you will feel safe enough to even ask me.