Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear T,

I constantly want to give you stuff - trivial things like a flower I found or a cookie I made. Just the act of giving you something (anything) would be so powerful for me. But I respect your boundaries so I won't ever give you something.

But this week while you're on vacation I will give you the gift of silence. Even though you told me it's perfectly okay to email you while you're away, I will show you how much I care and respect your right to time off by not emailing you. I hope you're enjoying your gift because it's killing me to give it Just 7 more days!

Dear T,
Two weeks off? I knew it was coming. I'll take lots of journaling notes. I should be fine. (I hope).

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Dear T,,

I'm not sure one hour is enough time to fill you in on my life, right now. Maybe if I talk really, really fast, I'll get a chance, then perhaps the.following session, you'll get to use your therapy skills, to cover all I am about to say.

-Me

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I want to make an extra appointment this week because I feel like a harm to myself. But I want to get through this by myself. But I want to not fail. But I don't want to burden you.

When I asked you today if you were tired of working with me yet, your answer was kind. Thank you for that.

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Normally, my appointment would be today. But you're at a funeral. I will see you tomorrow, but I miss you for today.

Dear T,

I think I emotionally cut you off....like for real. I feel nothing when I think of you. I could stop seeing you and it feels to me right now in this moment like it would be of no consequence whatsoever. Really, T?!? Wtf is wrong with me? I hate this. I hate it. I am so ****ing over it! I can't stand to go to see you this week and to feel like this. I will be horrified watching myself act distant and like I'm fine. I won't even be acting though because that's exactly how I feel. Distant and fine. I need no one. Ever.

Ugh.

B-

You're a genius. Thanks.

Sorry for the drunken ramble on here last week, that you'll never read anyway. Sometimes, a woman needs some whiskey, and my laptop has no breathalyzer (but it should).

Thank you for the small details of your life you share when we have things in common. Thank you for saying "Will you be here next week? I'd really like that." at the end of session today. Fair warning (that you'll never read); I'm starting to feel therapy-love for you, and I'll want to check in about that next week. I'm not talking transference crush or erotic transference, or anything that could ever exist outside the frame, but that we've sat on the floor barefoot talking for enough hours, and I trust and respect you enough, that I love you.

It's a little terrifying, but good. Right?

-C

You....

Editing these 27 pages of letter down to one letter to bring to session tomorrow is pretty intense. I'm having a hard time doing this because I also have to make some additions to include how I'm currently feeling in respects to our relationship. I hope you take all of this well tomorrow. I hope you can finally feel a sense of understanding and empathy. I'm not sure where you went, but I want you back. It could also be the energy I have been emitting lately. Maybe I'm unaware of nonverbal cues and body language I am projecting. You always have mirrored me really well, so this actually makes sense. Miss you...

<3 Me.

Dearest T,

I feel like you're going to see the immature side of me tomorrow....hope it's not too big of a turn off. But I guess you had to see it eventually.

It's pretty bad too. I even thought about cancelling today...you say you like all of me; might just change your mind tomorrow. You're so nice and i'm so ... not. :/

Dear new T, I don't even know you. All you did was come in and say hi in my last session with my old T. I know you're her supervisor and really experienced. I also know you're really busy but when you told me I had to wait so long to get a session with you, I felt like you guys didn't want to see me. And you can only see me every 3 or 4 weeks... I'm trying to tell myself that you are really busy and that is all you can do but it really made me feel like you didn't want to see me or you thought I was being too dependent on therapy or that I didn't need therapy at all. I hope this is all just in my head. I haven't even been for my first session. I'm really trying to cope till I get to see you. Please don't tell me that I'm wasting my time and you can't help me.

T,
I need you to be there for me today.
Ironic, isn't it! Given that you are on holiday, I mean. It's hilarious, really, that I can't time my crises better.

Dear t,

Why do you keep wearing black? What's going on?

I feel like I need to run away, you are starting to remind me of myself and I'm trying to get away from that shadow side.

Dear T, last saturday I felt ok. Not sick, not still hungry. Just satisfied.
I really want to tell you how it feels even though I'm sure you know. Will you be bored?

And I want to move back to my past too. I have a sense of incompleteness. I need to give it a closure. But I fear you'll be angry at me, as stupid as it may sound. Sometimes I feel really toxic.

Despite the fact that there's nothing we will talk about today that I haven't already said to you this past week, I'm still really nervous about today. It's going to be a difficult conversation.

T, you saved me today. Again. You sat there and listened and you were not afraid of the silence. You asked the right questions and made me feel heard. I am amazed how you find the right buttons to push, when no one ever could before. Your tears are precious to me too, by the way. I liked how you said that to me. When you took my hands, I felt so connected for a moment, it released the pressure I felt. Thank you for walking this journey with me, every step of the way. Thank you for making time so many times a week. Thank you for the closeness and the comfort you give me. You truly are a hero to me and I appreciate everything you do. I needed you today and you were here within hours. That is incredible. Although I feel bad for whoever you had to cancel a session with today to see me. But thank you. So much.

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Dear PDoc,

Me right now, forehead to hand. I've brought this, to your attention, one check up visit. Feeling level headed, feeling a bit saddened, feeling a bit honored to have my presence requested, feeling a bit uncertain about tomorrow, feeling a lot sleepy.

-Me

PS, did you see that bball,, playoff statistic, the never before one?

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Dear T,

Thanks for today. It sucked, but it feels better. And thanks for being you. For not shaming me over last week.

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Dear T,

When you find yourself saying "my private life is personal", I want you to think of ME!

CBT T please don't dislike me.

Thank you so much for today's session. It was really difficult, but so necessary and good to talk about.

PS - You can't ask a question and then spend 5 minutes explaining it. You have to give me a chance to answer

...maybe this time... goodbye. I have so enjoyed what little time we have shared, and thank you from the bottom of my heart. I will miss you.

Dear T,
Thanks
It was the best session till now, eventually I managed to say everything what I wanted and you addressed all my questions and responses - ufff... I have never felt so well after the session, now I feel like I have enough energy to survive these 5-week break (I guess you did it in purpose, huh? ) But we'll see how it goes...

Two weeks off will be difficult. You're always there for me. I will take lots of journaling notes.

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Dear T,

Thank you.