Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

I am so sorry for bothering you so much this week...so, so sorry. I just looked at how many texts I sent you, and oh my gosh. If you didn't hate me yet, I'm sure you're tired of dealing with me by now. I am just so confused and scared. I don't know what to do.

I wish I didn't text you.
Now I feel like you would be glad if I left.

It hurts. It really hurts...ocean of tears. please text me back something sweet and caring instead of something clinical.

I wish I hadn't texted you today (Saturday) I know you never respond but still I am cross with myself for breaking my no contact at the weekend rule. However, I am desperate - I don't know how much longer I can go on like this and I am trying to tell you that I need more from you - more support, more empathy and just a little kindness and understanding. Now I am sure you will pull further away and you will definitely despise me for all this contact. I'm sorry. I think I have messed up and I really didn't mean to.

Dear T,

Um....I almost got into huge trouble last night. I am losing control but I don't know how to tell you about it. I don't know what good telling you would do anyway. I'm sure I'd just feel pretty ashamed and you might minimize my situation. Or get mad. Or not respond. Idk T.

I think it's best to be honest with you but I don't always trust my intentions or how you may analyze my unconscious intent, so find it safer to keep it to myself...

Dear T,

I don't think you realize you're one of the only people I have right now. I'm not sure if any of this is going to work out anymore. Maybe my problems really are "smoke and mirrors" and I'm stupid for being this depressed. Maybe everything really is all in my mind.
It's weird how we have such a close relationship, but that it cannot be discussed. You get very uncomfortable when this topic comes up and I notice you fidgeting and squirming the entire time. You know how close you let us get and I think you are kicking yourself over it.
Well I'm done here. I don't feel welcome anywhere anymore. I'm not sure there will ever be a place for me.

-Alexis

Dear PDoc,

They Won a Trophy, getting closer to the Cup

-Me

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thank you ((((T))))

Dear Ex T
Please acknowledge a birthday email I sent you 2 days ago. I miss you so much!!! Your email will help me feel you still have time for a quick email to me. You said I could email anytime. I still need you... The New T isn't like you. I bring my "Measuring Stick" wishing you were still there meeting in the same room. I just sit in a different spot. She will not measure up to my expectations. Please write me to let me know you got the email.

Yes T, yes I do know that you are going away for 2 weeks and that means that it will be 3 weeks between seeing you. Yup, yes, indeed I do know this, and yes it does make me feel somewhat anxious and sad.

BUT!!

Seriously???? I tell you some bloody difficult things happening this last week, that have meant I have had so many difficult emotions and memories of the past.....and when I can't put my finger on exactly WHICH thing is affecting me the most, and instead suddenly cry and say "there is just this big rock sitting in my chest and I don't know what is wrong".....you respond with...

Is it that I am going to be away for 2 weeks?.....it totally floored me!!

Wow, that was pretty predictable wasn't it? Really? A T thinking it was all about them? Maybe this is predictable behaviour from some clients, but not me! You know that I need to know that you are taking care of yourself and getting enough breaks. We have discussed this!!!!!

GAAAAAAAAHHHH!! In fact the whole session was off! I told you my head was just fuzzy, and I could not find any one thing to discuss, you said it was a defence probably....I know it was. But really, a defence because you are on leave??? Maybe you missed an opportunity to dig deeper and finally see some of the trauma, and also some of my deeper fears. THAT right there was what was holding me back.

(That felt good to get out, pretty sure I wont tell you, but if I am still angry then I may.....ugh)

Dear T, I feel like you lied to me about being a Christian. T, the truth is always the right thing to say. I am so hurt that you would mislead me.

Even if you are okay with it, I still feel really bad about all the contact I have been having with you this week. I don't want to take up so much of your time, but I definitely have this week and it makes me feel guilty and selfish. I am sorry. You shouldn't have to deal with me so much

Love me or leave me. I can't cope with your hot and cold moods with me.

I'm really mad at you. You said you would always be there for me and would never leave me. And now you're there but not really because of the circumstances you find yourself in. And I'm struggling to be honest with you and reach out to you when I need help, like now, because the friend relationship is superceding the client relationship and I feel too guilty to bother you with my problems when you have some serious ones of your own.

I'm all alone and I'm hurting and I'm hurting myself and I'm lost and you're gone. You're really and truly gone. Just a text message away but in reality, I've lost you and I don't have a t to walk with me anymore.

not important

I miss you... I'm sorry if I did something wrong. I hope you forgive and accept me again eventually.

Love, A

Dear T,

I'm sorry for my overreaction on Friday. And for acting like a child. I broke all of my personal rules. I want to run away from this. I'm not sure if I'll ever be back. Sorry.

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YT,

I miss you. It kind of hurt to be in your office meeting with another T.... Its been a week since you left and you should be settling into your new life in your new country. I hope your adventure works out the way you want it to but I will probably never know.

Dear ex-t: p.s. I did it for the relationship.

Dear T,

why does everything go wrong just as you leave for a 2 week holiday?

You scare me, not because you do anything wrong...but because you do everything right.

I am thankful for this space here to write anonymously. I have hit a point where I am struggling more than I have an years. Yet there is no time for you to see me for a few weeks. Innoway, I don't blame you. I'm glad you are busy and successful. I have been a long time client of yours though. You have said that there is nothing available for appointments until sometime in May. I don't know if you are trying to set up boundaries for yourself or for me. I just know that I can't depend upon you or trust you right now the way I thought I could. This saddens me. I'm going to shut up now. And do my best. No text, I promise I will not reach out anymore. I have my dog and other things that hopefully I will find comfort in. However, my heart and brain struggle to understand this situation. At least I have myself. That has to be enough. Please respect my confusion, my sadness, and my desire to just fade away. I have a long time to think about the next appointment and whether this is really helpful anymore. I'm going to do my best to think of my own well-being and what I need. It is very difficult because I usually put others first. Maybe that is one thing you are trying to teach me as well. By putting yourself, your schedule, etc before my needs as a client which at the time Phil urgent. Maybe you are not trying to teach me anything and have not given us a second thought. I'm not going to try to figure this out. I am not well. I will find my way.

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Dear t,

What the hell is happening? Something is happening and it's scaring me.

Dear T,

I am too attached to you. It's too soon and I don't want to deal with it. I know I need to discuss it with you, but I don't think I'm going to. I don't think I can.

Dear T,
This isn't working. U betrayed me and didn't burn the pages. Ur getting off pretty easy since I just am so enraged violence could occur. But I'm walking away