Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear T,

I know you want me to talk about the transference..well I don't "know" but I suspect based on some of your recent line of questioning. I would like to BUT I fail to see exactly where that would lead me. Or us. I mean, how the **** will that help, T? You see me all pathetic and childish and say that I have to remember you have boundaries blah blah blah. I already know that - painfully well - and knew it from session #1. If anything, I've made sure the boundaries stayed airtight from the get go. Why must you do this? Are you doing this? Are you trying to manipulate me into being vulnerable? If so, WHY?

freewilled this is a good question. I don't see how it is helpful to talk about transference either .I would be interested in what people think

It does help. I don't exactly understand why or how, but it definitely does. I know that when I talk about my transference stuff, it always makes it less difficult and intense.

Dear T,

The little bit of happiness I had once a week was taken from me (a long time now), the little bit of pride I had was also taken. How do you think I feel?

Dear T, i miss you.

Dear T I miss you so much! How long will I miss you? There just is no replacing you. I am so sad with out seeing you

Dear T, I hate it when I don't hear from you for three days. Where did you go? Please don't leave me...

T

u should have kept ur mouth shut!

Why have you ignored the two texts I have sent you for the past two weeks? That's not like you and it's bothering me. Maybe I'm making a big deal out of nothing, but I would have hoped that sharing the good news I got would have prompted at the least a "congrats!" type of response. I wish you would tell me what's up.

Dear T: are you okay?! I'm wondering because of the email you sent me today. Surely you could put 2 and 2 together and realize that I mailed that check you asked about BEFORE we cancelled the appointment?!

I wish I were damaged enough to be worthy of your love.

When we talked about I how I obsess over therapy what I really meant is I obsess over you. I don't know how to explain this distinction to you.

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T,
I can't figure out why you do some of the things you do. Last week, I talked about how disappointed I had felt a year ago around the time of my birthday when some significant people forgot about it or didn't mention it. You said that you couldn't remember whether you'd said anything, and I told you you hadn't. You asked if that made me feel disappointed. I said that it did. So what was your big plan with not saying anything today? If it is against your code of ethics to wish a patient a happy birthday, why did you even mention it last week? I don't get it.

Dear T:
When my friends installed whatsapp on my new phone the last thing I had thought about was to find you there. It actually sucks to feel you so right at hand and see your personal photo and if you're online or not all-the-time.
I'm not sure I wanted this opportunity but thanks for not blocking me, that would have made me feel horrible. I guess I have to cope with this amazing, helpful high tech prodigy.

(..uhm, if you even have noticed my presence there.)

Dear T, the next 4 days cant go by fast enough. I miss you a lot. I don't know why it hurts so much when I have had a few really good sessions.

Dear T,

Thank you for being so ethical and trustworthy and yet still so available and honest and loving all at the same time. You are awesome.

So sorry this happened. But happy birthday to you. We're Aries buddies

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Thank you! I would never have expected T to say anything, it's not the kind of thing he has ever done, if it hadn't been for that conversation last week. I actually texted him this afternoon to say I was disappointed, because I couldn't quite get away from that feeling of disappointment. As soon as I had sent the txt, the need to think about it went away. (I actually think I'm in Pisces... )

T,
I saw on another thread here that another PC member is struggling with the idea of whether or not their T believes them. I've wondered this with you, but now I feel the courage to ask you.

Next session, I want to do things differently. I need you to push me, to challenge me. And I want to ask you if you believe me.

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I wonder if T's really truly know how important and significant they are to us. Maybe your T honestly forgot, I can't imagine they would specifically not say something to you especially after talking about it the previous week. What was your focus on in therapy this week? Did you continue talking about some of the other things you brought up last week?

It might not hurt to bring up in session next time how it made you feel. Might be a relief for both of you and clear the air, especially if your T did honestly forget, then it would stop resentment and hurt from building a creating a barrier to work together. Just my thought, take it or leave it.

I do wish you a happy birthday though! Hope you have a good day (or had one if it is passed already)

Good to hear you let him know how you felt, and glad that you felt relief for telling him. I don't think my ex-T has ever wished me a happy b-day, and now that he has stopped communicating with me altogether, I imagine he never will.

I'm on the cusp, smack dab pisces-aries cusp (20th) But probably relate more to pisces.

None of my T's have ever wished me a happy birthday. It could be they are sensitive to it triggering bad feelings like with me feeling worthless and like I don't deserve a birthday or birthday wishes.

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Do you realize how instrumental you were in keeping me alive and safe these past several weeks. Because of you I am actually ok with waking up in the morning. My heart is filled with gratitude.

I hate how easy it is for me to start doubting you. It just takes a small little thing on your part to plant the seed of doubt, which over the course of a week or so grows into a monster. And right now, I am back to not trusting you again. I really hate this. You did nothing wrong, but I am afraid to contact you because of my fears and mistrust. I don't want to wear you out or force you to deal with me if you don't want to. Ugh! I wish I could just go away.

Dear T,
I need to contact you, and I can't. Everything is falling apart and I am falling apart and I have no support. I know I was feeling fine yesterday, but today I see the abyss and it is calling me.