Dear T: I need to tell you something but I don't know how Part IX

Dear T, I can't afford to work with you anyone. I need to save up in the next few months to move. I literally don't know how we can end this the best way after 7 years.

"I'd rather not leave you alone now that you are going through many changes all at once and are so distressed".
You are not going to fill my space and don't want to cut my sessions and pay-when-you-can-somewhere-in-the-future sessions??? Really, where did it come from? Sense of duty?

My GP told me "please look for another gp" a few weeks ago. There are good things and people in my life too. But I expect rejection once I'm not perfect anymore. I'm very confused.

(by the way, my heart is full of gratitude. Whatever I decide to do with the sessions, this was really kind of you. I've been so reluctant at times, that I'm almost ashamed of my resistance).

I relate so much Raging Quiet. Hugs to you

I'm really grateful for you. Really, very much so.

But I have troubles saying it in case I appear too needy or clingy.

Dear T,
I think you need to come to bed with me sometime.
No, not like that!
But I'm lying here now wide awake mulling over todays session and finally able to come up with more than just a shrug and "I don't know". I'm keeping the dogs awake by replaying our conversation but with much more participation on my side.
This seems to be becoming a bit of a pattern, it apparently takes 6-7hours for my brain to warm up.
Maybe I need to have a 9am session to start warming up my brain and come back at 4pm so we can actually work with something.
A much better solution than me still being wide awake with just 4 hours untill I need to wake up.

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T, I can't wait to see you tomorrow! God, I hate this situation and I need some insight. I was thinking of texting you all evening but I think there's nothing to be done tonight anyway. But really, you need to help me with this, it drives me crazy!! I don't understand why people act that way, even with all understanding in the world it doesn't make sense. It's morbid and painful and lacks respect. And what the heck do they want?? I wish you were here right now and could sort it all out. Because I don't have enough energy to do it myself. It frustrates me that in my head I have all the right answers but I am too tired to discuss them. So I am so relieved you will be here tomorrow. A

Dear T,

Still have that weird "missing you"-neediness-creeping-me-out thing /:

Today I had some time where I felt almost in touch with my feelings, though. Or part of my feeling state. It was so touch and go and I was trying to stay with it and I did for a bit. But I noticed I had no words for what was happening. I didn't know what I was feeling exactly, but more so than that, I just didn't know the why of it. I imagined myself being able to emote in front of you and not being able to explain what was going on. You would want to know and I wouldn't know, so I'd shut off.

Please tell me how can you help me with this???

I think you might be inadvertently thinking of me in the context of 'borderline' instead of seeing me as an individual. I never had problems with boundaries in my last therapy; I don't think that explains the issues that are coming up. I hope you can remain open-minded.

dear t um you're not mad at me are you for what i said in that last email?

You haven't responded to the last two texts I have sent you. This has only happened a few times before, and you have just been busy and haven't had the chance to get back to me. But every time it does, I can't help but feel that I have definitely messed up this time around and you are finally tired of dealing with me. I feel like you want me to leave you alone, and I hate it because you're not like that. But in my head you are.

Dear T,

Have I been paying you to lie to me? Is that what therapy is all about? Clearly you never cared about me at all. If you did, you never would have lied to me. You never would have left me to suffer for months and months. No one would hurt someone they cared about so much. No one. It was all lies.

You think lying to me was helpful? You think I needed you to encourage my friends to lie to me too? You think lies are the answer? Do you think with all this lying that you can still distinguish between a lie and the truth? I'm beginning to think that you have some real problems here. I feel like I'm the one evaluating your issues now!

Dear T,
I want to crash my car.

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Dear T, I've been thinking that I want to discuss termination (I hate that word) again. You laughed the last time I said this. I know why, so shut up lol. Maybe I just won't say it anymore, and just not make any more appointments. I don't know.

Dear T

I feel blessed to have you in my life.

HT.

T, I appreciate you more now than before. I really do. You are quite something! See you in a couple of hours. A

Dear T,

Please stop asking me what I want to talk about, I really don't know, and it makes it seem like you don't know either. I'm coming to you for help.

Don't say that you think I'm wrong when I suggest something, it agitates me and makes me not want to come back. It also makes me feel like you don't care about me enough to even suggest that we do more research into what I think might be wrong with me.

I am female, don't tell me that I'm wrong, and don't constantly repeat things that I already know.

I heard voices in my head today, they tell me that I'm not good enough, and you're not doing anything to prove them wrong.

Dear PDoc,

Got the resched date. Hmmm, I could play the guessing game. Thinking, end of mid may. hmm...graduations?

Ok, see that is the type of stuff I wouldn't ask. If I am on point, congrats, to them.

Me

Dear T,

It has been a tough week for me and I have been feeling emotionally volatile. I want to express that I appreciate your work and that I have non-sexual feelings for you.

Dear T,
Do you want to get rid of me? Are you sorry you took me on as a client?

Dear T,
Why do you have to be so likable and attractive? Now I'll never fully open myself up to you.

I need to tell you about today. :'( I did not get a chance to contact you but I wish I had the time. Tomorrow is a busy day as well, and I see my new Therapist in the middle of all the chaos. I guess I have to wait until Friday, and hope I could still communicate my true emotions about this situation. I will probably dissociate by then and be numb.

I know I really need you when I see you twice a week, but miss you so much between sessions.

I feel so lonely.

Dear T,

I don't know why you set out to hurt me. I can't figure this out at all. How could I have been so wrong about trusting you? About trusting anyone? This is the cruelest thing anyone has ever done to me in my entire life. I never expected this from YOU. I thought you were going to support me. What a fool I've been. I don't deserve to be treated so badly.

Dear T, I'm scared of everything (I know I know, I'm a chicken!). I learned that changes require courage.

Yesterday I was in the city and I happened to walk through that chic district where you had your first practice, when we started working together and your office was pretty close. It made me think about our first session when I was sooo cynical. I told you I was there because your lovely colleague had just dumped me and I had run out of resilience and didn't need you to analyze my mother/father/cat/past but just help me stop throwing up as soon as possible. And you stared at me, eyes wide open and just said "Resilience, a technical term", thinking "do I really have to treat such an ***?" - I could read it on you face and it was just what I wanted because I was pissed at the whole category, but you were still surprisingly kind.
Well I turned out to be different and now you know it.

I got suddenly homesick and thought how fast time has passed and things have changed and they don't seem to stop changing and this confuses me. You assured me many times that you will stay, but the future is a huge question mark.
I started this post to say I'm grateful, and look what it has turned into, lol. By the way, have a great holiday.

Oh T. I am feeling such weirdness right now. One of those "gut feeling" kind of things that I need to just stop this with you now - I have so much respect and appreciation for you and up until the other day, have also appreciated the non-traditional parts of my therapy because that stuff was already a part of my own belief system, but this last thing you brought in... I think it was too far beyond traditional therapy... and I feel bad thinking that because you trusted me that it would be okay, but I don't know, on the one hand I can look at it as just getting a new perspective on stuff and that's fine, if you don't bring it up again. Maybe I can start off my next appointment with a question "Why did you bring in that new stuff last time? For what purpose?" I admit I find it a fascinating subject, but it belongs like among friends or something, not in therapy. At least to me. And we are not friends. I know this, because I HAVE friends now, and I don't have to PAY them!!! I appreciate your knowledge on the subject, but don't feel the need to pay for it, if that makes any sense. Agh, T, I am so full of feelings at the moment I don't know what to do with them all. I need to be able to talk about this with you next week, and then say goodbye to you, and not make any more appointments because I think the lines have gotten blurry for both of us and that's not good. Jeezo pete, this is almost worse than a rupture.... I'm not considering it that because I'm not mad maybe I just don't understand the word.

Dear T,

I'm nervous to talk to you....if I was honest, I'd tell you how appreciative I feel of you but then that would be analyzed and I'm scared of what that means. Like I'm wrong for feeling gratitude. You said you want to hear all of what I experience and you basically pleaded for me to be open about it. I guess I am just scared to trust that...like maybe you said that, but once I tell you, you will shy away from it or totally blow it out of proportion. I suck at being clear and able to communicate well so you would run circles around me. I feel at such a disadvantage here.

I have to trust you though or what's the point of seeing you anymore? I do mostly trust you (or I wouldn't be so consistent for so long) but mostly isn't cutting it. It's still holding me back. You say we work through it by talking about it. Sooooo talk talk talk....it feels so revolving door. I don't want to bore you, and I don't want to make you mad.

But I will either try or quit. I can't stand this anymore!