[peaches100]

I'd like to ask a question. . .

Have any of you had the experience of giving your t gifts and tokens of affection or appreciation, but not getting anything back from them? If so, does it matter to you? Does it make you feel bad or wonder if your t cares about you as much as you do about her?

[Lauliza]

Most T's don't accept gifts although they might accept small tokens. Technically, I don't think T's are allowed to give gifts to clients, whether a client gave one first or not.

I believe Ts genuinely care about their patients, of course liking some patients more than others, but still caring about them all in one way or another. However, I really don't think it is possible for a T to care about us as much as we do about them. Therapists are a central part of some patient's lives, especially patients that lack any social or support network. As clients, we are also a central part of their lives, but it is their professional life, not personal. And they have many patients, so no matter how much they care, they have to share it with other people. For a T to function well in their own lives, with their families, friends, etc., I think they have to make a concentrated effort to keep their professional and personal lives very separate. I wish I could be more to my pdoc/T than I am, and I fantasize about being more, but I am ok with the knowledge that I'm not.

[ScrewedUpMe]

I have never given T a gift although I always imagined doing so if we ever came to the end of our work together. I always thought I would send her a HUGE bunch of flowers to her home to say thank you for everything she has done for me, but more recently I have realised that this might be too much or might make her feel awkward. So I would now give her something much more personal and home made, such as a letter or book about all she has taught me I would not be offended if she didn't reciprocate because I don't think therapy boundaries allow for that usually. And I would want to give her my gift regardless.

[stopdog]

Is this the same as the other thread?

[Leah123]

I have given my therapist a birthday gift and Christmas gift, along with a CD I sent so we could share music therapeutically, but which she liked so much she told me she plays it in her car.

Giving my therapist and teachers gifts has always been a wonderful lesson for me in giving freely, with no expectation of receiving gifts. I do believe my teachers have cared for me individually and I know my therapist does, deeply. What I have to be aware of in therapy is that ours is not a reciprocal relationship, unlike my marriage or friendships. In those relationships we mostly give each other the same things: words of caring, support, and love, gifts, favors, etc.

In therapy, we exchange different forms of caring, we fund their lives, they enrich ours with their skills, guidance, and support. Some of the caring is reciprocal, but... I am there in somewhat of a subordinate position: we are equals in terms of how much respect we deserve and in ability, but she is my... teacher, mentor, guide, therapist, good enough mother. The way I give to her is a bit like a child giving to a parent or teacher I suppose, with the knowledge that she cares for me and is looking out for me, but isn't there to be my friend or peer exactly, or trade presents.

When she found out it was my birthday a few months back, I will mention that she told me she would sing to me like she did for her nieces and nephews, and she did, which I found so endearing and touching.

[feralkittymom]

During therapy I gave my T a couple of simple gifts. He accepted them graciously.

More recently, well post therapy, in an e-mail, he apologized for something. I didn't feel he had anything to apologize for, and I wrote back that there were no expectations to meet, nor score kept. That's how I felt about the gifts I had given him so many years before: they were given as tangible expressions of my feelings. The giving was a self-contained act which simply didn't involve any further response or expectation.

[granite1]

I guess I have never expected a gift from my T .it never crossed my mind at all .I have given her hand made cards and she has excepted them except for the last one. it was a card saying sorry and she gave it back to me saying I had nothing to say sorry for .I left the room and tore it into a bunch of small pieces and dumped it in the trash. I never gave her another one because I felt I had crossed her boundaries

[BlessedRhiannon]

I have given my T something during the winter holidays for 3 years now (usually baked goods). I've never gotten anything back, and don't expect to.

However, I'm also very uncomfortable with receiving gifts. I'd much rather give something than receive something. So, I'm glad my T doesn't give me any gifts! If she ever did, I'd graciously accept it, but feel really uncomfortable about it.

I guess - the way I look at it - gift giving is not a reciprocal action. I give things to people because I want to and it's how I let them know I'm thinking about them. Other people express themselves in different ways. My T lets me know she cares in different ways. If she were to give gifts to all her clients to show them she cares, she'd go broke (or have to up her fees!). Having T accept my gift is enough for me.

[tealBumblebee]

Well to be fair, T says that my love language is "receiving gifts" which, when you read about it also includes giving.

In six months, i've only given T two/three things - a card for Christmas, and some candy just because I thought she'd like it and if you want to count it, a cheerful email. She thanked me for both (all) and honestly, I appreciate the thanks but just seeing her seem to genuinely appreciate them was gift enough for me. I love to make people happy/smile and the thought of getting something back rarely, if ever crosses my mind.

However, she has brought some of her books for me to borrow (relative to what we're discussing) so that's a nice gift (imo) on her part because it is not something she has to do.

I don't think that gifts should be directly linked to holidays and events, or as a reciprocal action. A gift simply communicates expression from the heart.

[nottrustin]

The only things she has given me is:

In one session I mentioned my son's phone dying again. She had just got a new phone and offered me the old as she was going to get rid of it anyway.

She was moving and going through books and such. She knows my daughter wants to become a LCSW so she gave me some for my kiddo.

She graduated from a college my son is obsessed with so anytime she gets catalogs and newsletters she gives them to me for my son

[Amandasmom]

I give my T a Christmas gift every year. I don't expect one in return. I hate getting gifts. Glad she doesn't give me anything.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by granite1

I guess I have never expected a gift from my T .it never crossed my mind at all .I have given her hand made cards and she has excepted them except for the last one. it was a card saying sorry and she gave it back to me saying I had nothing to say sorry for .I left the room and tore it into a bunch of small pieces and dumped it in the trash. I never gave her another one because I felt I had crossed her boundaries

Granite, I think this was a gross misinterpretation of her response.

[Petra5ed]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I'd like to ask a question. . .

Have any of you had the experience of giving your t gifts and tokens of affection or appreciation, but not getting anything back from them? If so, does it matter to you? Does it make you feel bad or wonder if your t cares about you as much as you do about her?

I'm so sure my T does not care about me as much as I do about him that I *barely* even wonder about it. He seems well adjusted, has friends, family, hobbies and other clients I'm sure he's also close to, so the odds he's thinking about me all the time are pretty low; he's pretty central in my life though. I do feel like he genuinely cares about me, just not to the same extent and I think that's got to be normal given the circumstances.

I've given small gifts and not received one in return. I've never expected a gift from my T so it didn't cross my mind I guess. Part of me does wish he would give me things and be more, but I know that's all fantasy.

[Nightlight]

I always give handmade cards. After four and a half years I also gave something on T's birthday, also handmade. She came close to turning it down. She said she'd think about it and talk about it with her supervisor. It was really tough on me because it was something that was very symbolic and strongly related to my therapy with her and where we were at at that time. The nicest thing about her nearly turning it down was her explanation. She said she was worried that it would make the relationship more unequal as she would feel she wasn't able to reciprocate.

But she still doesn't care about me in the way that I care about her and sometimes that's really tough.

[anilam]

Originally Posted by peaches100

I'd like to ask a question. . .

Have any of you had the experience of giving your t gifts and tokens of affection or appreciation, but not getting anything back from them? If so, does it matter to you? Does it make you feel bad or wonder if your t cares about you as much as you do about her?

Do we really care about our Ts? Could we really? We know them only in the roles of our Ts (ppl who listen, don't judge and hopefully sometimes even help us/make us feel better)- session is like 50 min of me-me-me time. I think that a great deal of our care/love (whatever) is projected (and conditional). So yeah in a way I think Ts actually care more about us than we do about them.

[Faking sane]

When I send my vet a Thank You card, I never expect a Thank You For The Thank You Card card back. Therapy ethics aside, if you're giving gifts with the expectation of getting something back, then you're (subconsciously, I'm sure) being manipulative.

As to ethics, gifts shouldn't exceed the occasional thank you card for exceptional breakthroughs and a holiday card with something inexpensive and not too personal. Anything beyond that is stalker-ish. Clinics typically send out a group holiday card to their clients. That is all.
Remember that what you have is a professional/client relationship. You're not best friends. Sorry to be so direct.

The bouquet with a thank you at completion of therapy mentioned by someone sounds wholly appropriate and awesome, though
The difference is that you're no longer a client at that point.
Make sense?
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I think giving a small inexpensive gift for a special occasion is acceptable. For me it's an expression of my appreciation. I never expected anything in return.