[growlithing]

So I posted before that LCM (T for all intents and purposes) told me a few days ago that she thinks she has pneumonia. She wanted to have a session with me over skype on Weds but postponed until Thurs due to being really sick. Then on Thurs, she postponed again saying that she was really sorry but just really wasn't feeling up to it. She asked me to pick a time for her after 9pm on the next day, Friday. I said I can do whatever time after 9 and that whatever she wants to do/feels up to doing. I suggested 9:30 or 10 because I knew she'd want some sort of concrete answer from me. She did not respond.

That's kinda normal for her to schedule something extremely last minute so I didn't really think much of her lack of response to that besides wanting a firm time because waiting around for her to email me to call her is kinda stressful. But I know she's extremely sick so I emailed her around 8pm today (technically yesterday) asking how she was feeling and if she still wanted to talk with me. 9pm came and I had no response. Then 10pm. 11. 12. Nothing. That is unusual for her because if I email her a 2 line thing asking if she is planning on meeting with me, she always responds within an hour because she is on her phone all the time.

I'm so worried. What if she's really really sick? What if she had to go to the hospital and is like really sick and/or dying? I'm telling myself it was Valentine's Day and she might have forgotten that when she halfway scheduled me for a rather bizarre time of day. She could have just completely forgot and that's fine. People mess up and that's fine and especially considering that she is sick, I can totally understand why she might have forgotten. But I'm just really worried about her. I really really hope she just forgot about me and isn't in the hospital or worse. I don't know how to get myself to stop refreshing my email and imagining the worst possible situation.

How would I know if she died? Would my old residential program think to call me? I'm her only outpatient client right now and it isn't through any organization. I found out about my last serious mother figure's death on facebook. She didn't have a facebook. Just someone else that knew her posted a memorial status about it. It was the most surreal thing and it was shocking even though I knew she had cancer. She said she was in remission. She wasn't supposed to die. She was supposed to still be here but all of the sudden I'm just casually scrolling down my newsfeed and she's gone. But I don't even have any facebook friends that know LCM. She could have been gone since 10am on Thurs and I wouldn't know she's gone. Would she just stop responding? Would eventually I know if her email were full? I'm completely out of sorts and I don't want to email her and bother her because I rationally know she's probably alive and needs to focus on getting better and that this fear is probably just from losing my teacher in the way I did (she was more than a teacher. The situation was complicated and I don't really feel like getting into it).

I don't know what I need. I think I need someone to tell me to calm down and that she is probably okay and that she probably just forgot. Or that she had a date with her boyfriend and turned off her phone and never saw my email and forgot completely because we really never had a firm time set. I CAN'T LOSE HER. I'M NOT READY. OH MY GOD. HELP.

[HazelGirl]

Your feelings are very normal, and the fear makes sense. It is probably overblown, though, and she is probably with her boyfriend tonight. Give it a day and if you don't hear back by Sunday, it is probably a good idea to contact her place of work and see if they have heard anything. Hugs to you. I am sorry about your former mentor, and I do think your feelings from that are impacting you now.

[elaygee]

I dunno about your part of the US but theres some wicked flu and stomach bug going around. I got it 2 weeks ago and it moved into my chest. Id never been that sick in my life and literally had no idea what day it was and had to be out of work 5 days. My point is yes she may be really sick. If its in her chest she may be out of commission a few days but I would really try not to jump to death. I know its teriffying and I am so sorry but try to think positively or at least neutral.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Your feelings are very normal, and the fear makes sense. It is probably overblown, though, and she is probably with her boyfriend tonight. Give it a day and if you don't hear back by Sunday, it is probably a good idea to contact her place of work and see if they have heard anything. Hugs to you. I am sorry about your former mentor, and I do think your feelings from that are impacting you now.

Right when I posted this thread, I got an email. She responded saying that she is really struggling and she begged me to forgive her for kinda standing me up. I was so relieved I started crying. How could I be mad at her when I was convinced I lost her completely?

I was worried that she was up at 3am. Maybe she fell asleep at 9 and woke up now and felt guilty because she knew I was probably still awake.

[feralkittymom]

The fear is understandable, but you are allowing it to spiral by feeding it. Most likely is that she's asleep. Use your DBT skills here.

That said, when she's better and you reconnect, you need to have a serious conversation with her about your need and rightful expectation for stability in your relationship. There are reasons why a therapy frame is important, and the haphazard arrangement you have with her isn't respecting that. In that sense, I believe she's being irresponsible. I think she can be of great help to you, but she needs to understand that stability and consistency is the foundation.

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Right when I posted this thread, I got an email. She responded saying that she is really struggling and she begged me to forgive her for kinda standing me up. I was so relieved I started crying. How could I be mad at her when I was convinced I lost her completely?

I was worried that she was up at 3am. Maybe she fell asleep at 9 and woke up now and felt guilty because she knew I was probably still awake.

I understand. It will be okay. She's in her 30's and healthy. It's just been a tough cold and flu season. I also agree with FeralKitty in that you need to work out something stable with her so that you don't have such uncertainties.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

The fear is understandable, but you are allowing it to spiral by feeding it. Most likely is that she's asleep. Use your DBT skills here.

That said, when she's better and you reconnect, you need to have a serious conversation with her about your need and rightful expectation for stability in your relationship. There are reasons why a therapy frame is important, and the haphazard arrangement you have with her isn't respecting that. In that sense, I believe she's being irresponsible. I think she can be of great help to you, but she needs to understand that stability and consistency is the foundation.

Clearly this is way too haphazard for me if I'm hysterically crying, reliving the loss of my teacher because of our lack of concrete planning. I can't keep waiting by my phone like some love crazed schoolgirl waiting for some guy to text her, checking her phone every 4 minutes, debating whether or not to text first or if he's not calling because of reason a or b or c and this has been really overwhelming to me since Weds. I'll cut her some slack because she is sick and because she's used to being residential where everything is spontaneous. We just need to figure out how to schedule things in a way that leaves her feeling happy and not super confined and doesn't require me to buy a new box of tissues every day because of it.

[withoutthelove_]

Could you decide with LCM to text once a day with a simple, "Hi, everything is fine, hope you're okay too"? If reassurance is a big thing for you (I understand, reassurance is a BIG thing for me with my T) when this could help ease some of your anxiety about her missing Skype sessions or meet-ups.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by withoutthelove_

Could you decide with LCM to text once a day with a simple, "Hi, everything is fine, hope you're okay too"? If reassurance is a big thing for you (I understand, reassurance is a BIG thing for me with my T) when this could help ease some of your anxiety about her missing Skype sessions or meet-ups.

She has me email her updates every day. She usually does not respond to them. She likes the idea of allowing myself to bounce around my own head because she thinks the stuff that comes up when she says nothing is interesting and important. She wants me to not operate on reassurance because she thinks reassuring me is feeding into my own issues.

However, that was before I panicked and thought she died.

[growlithing]

I want to hug her. I don't care if I get sick too. I'm just so relieved that I want to hug her and know that she's here for sure.

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by growlithing

She has me email her updates every day. She usually does not respond to them. She likes the idea of allowing myself to bounce around my own head because she thinks the stuff that comes up when she says nothing is interesting and important. She wants me to not operate on reassurance because she thinks reassuring me is feeding into my own issues.

However, that was before I panicked and thought she died.

The problem with letting you bounce around in your own head is that there's no therapy frame to support you in that--and she's not your therapist, she's your life coach. How can she provide you with the anchor of stability you need if she is spontaneous? She can provide stability without reassurances that trigger dependence. I really hope she and your TT can get on the same page so you can get off this roller coaster.

[Raging Quiet]

Originally Posted by growlithing

Right when I posted this thread, I got an email. She responded saying that she is really struggling and she begged me to forgive her for kinda standing me up. I was so relieved I started crying. How could I be mad at her when I was convinced I lost her completely?

I was worried that she was up at 3am. Maybe she fell asleep at 9 and woke up now and felt guilty because she knew I was probably still awake.

I'm glad you heard back from your t. My t emails me back at early times to. I'm sure your t needs some rest and will recover soon.

[sweepy62]

I most totally agree with feralkittymom, there is no therapeutic frame here, all these emotions and feelings bouncing around in your head are making you extremely anxious, there are really no set boundaries on lcm, being that she acting as your life coach, and your other therapists and her seem not to be on one page, it seems in my oppinion theres different treatment plans for you, but none are on one page. So the idea of you emailing and her not responding , so that you can work on your reasurance problems and such, are really not working, and you are not even anchored yet, like the other poster suggested, no therapeutic frame.

I think in my oppinion, like others have suggested in other postings, you really will get better slowly, but you need to want to get better, even if its really scary right now, but its up to you to take that step, I know, i am taking those steps, in my forties, you have many therapists and support networks and such and god bless you for that, but they are like floating puzzle pieces , they are not put together.

once they come together and work with each other, formulate one treatment plan and get on one page, and communicate with each other , and check on your progress, and also you should tell them how your relationship with lcm is affecting you, the whole truth, once all that is said and done, I think you will get all the help you need, and a treatment plan will be formulated in your best interested. I am sorry in advanced if anything im saying will make you upset. hugs

[IndestructibleGirl]

Feralkittymom and Sweepy say it really well.

I am concerned at LCM's way of handling things. It must be intensely difficult for you Hugs.

[unlockingsanity]

I'm glad you heard back from your T. She must be awful sick!

[growlithing]

Well, I talked to LCM today. We scheduled something for 5pm tomorrow despite talking for 45 mins today. She sounds okay and said she's doing a lot better.
We agreed that we need to have a schedule this week so this doesn't happen again.

At the end, I told her "please don't die". She laughed. I asked her why she was laughing and said I was dead serious. She said "you're right. I shouldn't have laughed. I find it super adorable that you care so much". No, you don't even understand... I emailed her most of what I posted here because I feel like she should know that this situation upset me so much that I was bracing myself to find her name in the obituaries.

[sweepy62]

Im glad, she is doing ok, but I dont agree with the part where she finds it "super adorable that you care so much" you were not doing , the normal caring, you were catastrophysing and making, yourself sick, did not go to dbt group,

did not want to eat, it affectted you emotionally and physically , in my opinion.

[velcro003]

God, I am rolling my eyes at her responses to you, growli. i've kept quiet, but i don't think she is very good for you--she is too casual with your intense feelings. I think you need very rigid structure and boundraies to help maintain this.

[Bill3]

In her role as a coach, a helper with day-to-day life, as a supportive and loving person, it seems that she has been supportive and helpful. When she starts to go beyond that, though, I worry. It isn't "adorable" that you have intense feelings that disrupt your life and cause torment for you when she is briefly absent.

She likes the idea of allowing myself to bounce around my own head because she thinks the stuff that comes up when she says nothing is interesting and important. She wants me to not operate on reassurance because she thinks reassuring me is feeding into my own issues.

The steady, consistent, ongoing presence of a T helps a client, over time, develop an internalized, positive guide and support. However, the random, intentional withdrawal of the T's support is not, imho, therapeutic. I doubt that your TT, or any good TT, would take the approach of randomly withholding herself in order to see what comes up.

[IndestructibleGirl]

I'm sorry if this offends you Growli but for whatever reason I feel 'on your side' and I think LCM is behaving like an absolute knob. She is WAY too cavalier in her attitude!!! I'm sorry, but she finds it 'super adorable'?! What the hell?! Does she not realize this is a big deal for you at the moment??

Sorry, I've had a few glasses of wine, so if you object to what I'm saying please tell me and I can reassess in the morning. Maybe I'm reacting inappropriately but this woman needs to get with the program.

[Bill3]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

She is WAY too cavalier in her attitude

Well said.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I'm sorry if this offends you Growli but for whatever reason I feel 'on your side' and I think LCM is behaving like an absolute knob. She is WAY too cavalier in her attitude!!! I'm sorry, but she finds it 'super adorable'?! What the hell?! Does she not realize this is a big deal for you at the moment??

Sorry, I've had a few glasses of wine, so if you object to what I'm saying please tell me and I can reassess in the morning. Maybe I'm reacting inappropriately but this woman needs to get with the program.

I agree totally, I posted the same, btw its not the wine.

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

I'm sorry if this offends you Growli but for whatever reason I feel 'on your side' and I think LCM is behaving like an absolute knob. She is WAY too cavalier in her attitude!!! I'm sorry, but she finds it 'super adorable'?! What the hell?! Does she not realize this is a big deal for you at the moment??


Sorry, I've had a few glasses of wine, so if you object to what I'm saying please tell me and I can reassess in the morning. Maybe I'm reacting inappropriately but this woman needs to get with the program.

Well, she is sick so maybe her thinking is a little bit clouded. I really wasn't upset with her laughing. I just wanted to make sure she understood that this was really real and serious for me. Maybe it seemed melodramatic because I can be ridiculous from now and again. I can even understand laughing and finding it cute if I was sick and a friend was really worried about me and I didn't know that she actually thought I died.

Maybe I should be upset with her laughing. She kinda completely stood me up and then essentially laughed at me when I told her I was scared. But I'm just not. I just feel like she didn't understand the gravity of what I experienced last night. I kinda told her sort of. It just didn't really hit her. That's why I sent her what I wrote. I sometimes feel like she hears 100% of 75% of what I tell her if that makes any sense. I say a lot of things and this probably just got lost because I presented it as "oh I was really worried about you when you didn't respond but I know I was just reliving losing my teacher" because I didn't want her to feel bad about how I was actually hysterical last night. So I was the one who was too cavalier about it.

Maybe I shouldn't be making excuses for her but I love her and I really think she has my best interest at heart. I don't really care if she messes up because she doesn't have to be perfect. She just has to be there and yeah I guess she wasn't last night when she said she would, but I know she would have been if she could. I don't know if I sound reasonable or being reasonable or if I sound like a battered wife making excuses for her abusive husband. But not at all that extreme because I don't think she is abusing me at all but I couldn't think of something more appropriate. A child under complete control of someone older maybe. But it doesn't matter really because she'll figure this out.

[feralkittymom]

Growli, I've been supportive of LCM and her interactions with you in residential. And I still believe she can be of great help to you. But this ambiguous relationship--what her role is and isn't, what exactly her credentials are, is she in practice or not, is she licensed, what's her relationship to TT--creates a level of chaos that produces needless anxiety for you. It could be that the structure of the residential program was a good fit for her strengths, but without that structure, she is floundering. I'm not sure that she is clear what her role as a life coach is: she seems to be bouncing around between therapist and big sister. I think it would be best for you to talk this out with TT. Did they ever meet and discuss relative roles? I remember you saying that was the plan, but has it happened yet?

[growlithing]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

Growli, I've been supportive of LCM and her interactions with you in residential. And I still believe she can be of great help to you. But this ambiguous relationship--what her role is and isn't, what exactly her credentials are, is she in practice or not, is she licensed, what's her relationship to TT--creates a level of chaos that produces needless anxiety for you. It could be that the structure of the residential program was a good fit for her strengths, but without that structure, she is floundering. I'm not sure that she is clear what her role as a life coach is: she seems to be bouncing around between therapist and big sister. I think it would be best for you to talk this out with TT. Did they ever meet and discuss relative roles? I remember you saying that was the plan, but has it happened yet?

I don't really know how to describe my relationship with her bad to be honest, some variant on "mom" is the only thing that fits and I think because I do literally see her as a mom and not a life coach or a therapist, it's much easier for me to not demand something more professional and defined because I don't want a professional and defined relationship. I want a mom and I know that everyone who has read any of my posts is well aware of that. I also usually have a bit hard time deciding what is and isn't okay with her. Obviously, she led me on, made me an anxious wreck, stood me up, and then laughed at me struggling like someone might chuckle at a puppy too small to jump up on the coach. That's not okay. As I said, I sent her the majority of what I wrote on this thread because I feel like I did a pretty representative description of my feelings surrounding all of that. I imagine we'll discuss that tomorrow and get back on track with something more workable. I don't expect her to do that again. She's never done anything that extreme before. She said she wants to schedule this week so that will be better.

The problem is that I haven't bonded with my other therapists and I'm not getting any emotional work done with them. I do progress with LCM but I can't see her in a therapy setting. So she just does what she does.

And she and TT still need to talk