Mixed feelings about today's session

"A passive aggressive might not always show that they are angry or resentful. They might appear in agreement, polite, friendly, down-to-earth, kind and well-meaning. However, underneath there may be manipulation going on - hence the term "Passive-Aggressive".

What is Passive Aggressive Behaviour?

Yearning, when i use that term i'm not judging you or your behaviour. It's just an umbrella term to describe what i think is going on. I'm not here to judge. We all find ways to get our needs met one way or another and when we find it difficult to admit to having them then sometimes we can be passive-aggressive. I am Queen of Passive Aggressive trust me!!

You said you are so careful with other people's boundaries because you don't want them to abandon you and you don't want that to happen ever again. I think that is important information. And something to consider. You displaying exemplary behaviour and being super considerate of people's boundaries is not in any way a guarantee that you'll never be left. People in life are going to leave you, and it's not always going to be anything you've done, in fact in most cases, it's there stuff and nothing to do with you.

So all this time and massive amounts of energy you are putting into being so restrained whilst denying your own needs is really not good for you. There is a middle ground some where. You're giving yourself a really hard time over stepping over boundaries but you were a kid, that's what kids do. Especially kids who haven't been nurtured or taught properly. You definitely sound like you're learning all the time and are aware of the basic premise of boundaries. I don't think you need to worry about overstepping them.

As for the email, i didn't suggest sending the angry email, i just meant for you to write it out for yourself, maybe you aren't angry, but it would be a chance just to let go of all that angst about saying how you really feel in a safe way. For me, i didn't know i was angry either until i really got into therapy, i knew i was sad and sometimes frustrated but never angry. And the further i get into therapy i realise Hell yes i'm angry! Cos my childhood was crap and it's just not fair! I still have trouble expressing anger and haven't really done it in therapy cos sometimes i know i'm feeling it but i just can't access it.. cos being angry was never allowed in my family.

The fact is your T isn't meeting a lot of your emotional needs right now, and sometimes in session she does and sometimes she really does not. She isn't a bad T by the sounds of it and clearly you both have some good alliance going there. But trauma work is really hard and there's times it's going to send you way off kilter and you will need her more than 50 mins a week. Do you feel safe doing the work knowing that you are on your own with it for an entire week after?
If you need support with LGBT issues there are charities and helplines specifically for that that maybe could be of help to you... and actually they could put you in touch with real life mentors and that would widen your support network. Maybe something you could think about?

Hm, maybe I'm the opposite of you, then Asia. I was angry A LOT as a kid and as a teenager when stuff happened, and eventually I learned that I needed to let go of that anger for my own sake and holding things against people wasn't going to get me anywhere and was just going to prevent me from building the relationships I wanted to build. So I started to focus on really understanding people and where they were coming from and why they did what they did, even when they were behaving in really stupid/mean ways. And I found that when you truly understand someone, it's really, really difficult to be angry at them and really, really easy to have compassion for them.

Now can you have anger and compassion at the same time? Maybe. I feel like that was what was coming out in the car with my mother. But then I wasn't really angry; I was hurt. I wanted her to feel my pain, and that manifested in anger. There's nothing necessarily wrong with that, but one of the things I've been learning throughout my therapy journey is that underneath 99% of anger, there's something deeper like sadness or disappointment or pain, and connecting with that hidden emotion is the best thing to do.

And actually my T recently recommended a mentorship program to me where they pair LGBT youth (which is apparently up to age 29, so 11 more years for me!) with LGBT adult mentors in the community. So I am very excited to start this, probably over the next couple months when they make a match for me. But mentors don't replace Ts, and if I went to this mentor for every LGBT related issue I had that might otherwise be discussed with a T, I would be setting myself up for trouble and I know it.

I have a lot of support, actually, around that part of my identity; it's just pre-emptive for me because I know that when I start dating I will feel a lot more comfortable talking about it to a T who is very knowledgeable about the LGBT community and the micro-aggressions that lesbians, particularly "straight-looking" lesbians, elicit. My former T was straight, very open and supportive of my sexual orientation, but simply did not understand how damaging those little tiny things can be, when you're wondering if maybe you've imagined them or not. When you talk to gay people about micro-aggressions (or people of color or people with disabilities...), they nod sagely. When you talk to straight people about micro-aggressions, most of them are like, "What?"

It's also just my personal preference and my comfort level. I do some really good work with this T and even though I know I'm not getting 100% of my needs met, for whatever reason I'm just not ready to leave her, whether this is my emotional attachment or fear of not finding anything better or reluctance to start over or the fact that my father is not going to pay for a new therapist or any combination of the aforementioned facts or something else altogether. For whatever reason, I am just not ready. Maybe someday I will decide on my own that this isn't working, but for now, I want to make it work as best I can.

And the funny thing is that even T tells me to stop worrying about other people's boundaries all the damned time (except hers, apparently). Like today I was telling her I was worried about overstepping the boundaries of current mentor-figure at my school and she just looked at me kind of strangely and said, "It really sounds like you're letting her take the lead on this, and you're worrying so much about boundaries that you're not allowing yourself to enjoy this very real, very human connection with her. The question isn't whether you're crossing her boundaries. The question is whether she's crossing yours."

Do you think I should send ANY email to begin with? I know it will probably aggravate her, but I think I really want to tell her how upset her attitude towards boundaries has been making me and if I tell her in session we will just end up arguing about it.

Also, there is NO manipulation going on, and I usually don't actually identify with passive-aggressive behavior these days. In the past, a LOT, but these days I would rather just state feelings/needs upfront than try to manipulate people into it. So if things come across that way, it's definitely not my intention. But if you're reading me that way, it probably makes sense that T would too, although she does know that being called manipulative is a sore spot for me because it's a label my mother had for me ever since I was four or five years old. (T says my mother's idea of manipulative = my best efforts to get my needs met.)

Yes anger and compassion can exist at the same time. Definitely. In my therapy in the past 2 weeks i have cried with compassion for my mother, what she's lost out on, for her troubles, how she's never felt good enough to truly be my mother because of mistakes she's made. Her problems have damaged all of us and it's just so utterly tragic. I break my heart talking about it to my T. But sometimes on an inner child level i am so angry, it's all about me and i am pissed off. And hurt. And full of " by why can't i have the mummy i wanted/needed?" Both exist in me.

As for the email... i dunno it's up to you. I think she needs to know but the best thing to do would be to give her it in person.

I know giving it to her in person would be the ideal thing, and I know that emailing it to her will probably annoy her, but I also know that she will probably need some time to process it and think about it and I don't want to risk turning our whole session into an "discussion" about boundaries, especially when I need to do some more processing on this whole mother situation next week. So that would mean giving it to her two weeks from now and I honestly don't want to wait that long...but I also don't want her to be upset at me for emailing...but I guess if she gets upset in a way that really doesn't feel right to me and refuses to make some changes re. her responses to my boundary questions, then that might make me ready to consider a new T.

Anger is a secondary emotion, which means it comes from other emotions and feelings. For example, some people get angry when they get sad. Others get angry when they feel wronged or cheated. Others get angry when they're scared. Anger always comes from another emotion, and if you can identify and constructively deal with those emotions, you don't really need anger. So I can see how you might not be angry, just hurt and frustrated and feeling abandoned.

But you do apologize a lot for other people's ridiculous attitudes and behaviors. It's not your fault your T is excessive in her boundaries and defensive when you bring it up. Stop apologizing for it

I think my anxiety about boundaries/not following T's rules comes from childhood stuff and my mother's constant accusation that I liked my dad's house better because he didn't have any rules and I thought I was a grownup and didn't like to follow rules. According to her, that's why I went to go live with him. Not, you know, because I was scared of her or anything...

So I feel like I want to prove to T that I CAN follow rules and I CAN be good enough for her and I CAN do the right thing.

Something to discuss with her, for sure. When we have time. Which might be never.

I swear I do my best introspection on PC...

I relate to your post but I can't figure out exactly how or why - if that makes sense! I am sorry you are going through this, it sounds very similar to my situation and I am constantly trying to be the good client and remain within her (very rigid) boundaries. I saw her yesterday and for the first time in 10 months I felt a real connection, that maybe she does care for me? But then I doubt myself and worry. This all came about because of my twisted thinking she calls it. Where I interpret something incorrectly. I am consumed with worry - I often text her which originally she wasn't happy about but recently she has said it is ok for me to do and she erasures me that she is not angry with me. I fear her leaving me and I fear her being angry or disappointed with me so much so that I am doing things for her to please her - like going to the gp - just to make her pleased with me. It feels very child like and I am really confused about what is going on. Like I said, I feel a connection with your post very strongly.

For what it's worth,I would send the email I think. It will give her. Time to think it over before you next meet.

Good luck and keep posting. Xx