Rupture.

Last Wednesday, me and my therapist had a really really awful session. About three weeks ago we started telephone sessions because it was it was decided i needed to speak to her halfway thru between sessions. Ideally i should have been going to her office for a session but i couldn't afford any more sessions. So she offered this solution for no charge- very generous. We've had 2 or 3 telephone sessions and on Wednesday, completely out the blue she speaks to me about thinking a boundary has been breached by not charging, that money passing hand is what keeps it a professional relationship and all above board ( i think i disagree with this but whatever). So i told her i can't afford to pay for the phonecalls so lets just go back to once per week sessions.

I felt so ashamed. She tried really hard to get me to talk and i just wouldn't. I totally closed her out, wouldn't look at her, wouldn't talk to her, wouldn't let her help me. I had so many feeling just taking over me. I sat there trying so hard not to cry that my whole body was shaking. I ended up asking to leave and that ended the session.

Next day i emailed her the anger and shame i felt, all the feelings i had about changing boundaries, my confusion over what had changed, why all of a sudden it wasn't ok to have the phone sessions. That my need for them hadn't changed but now i'm left with nothing. I felt like i'd done something wrong.
She wrote back and we've text back and forth for 2 days. She really does want to repair this, she wants me to come back to discuss it. And she is trying really hard to sort this out, she recognises our relationship has taken a huge hit. But believes it can be sorted.

For me... i don't know if i even want to. When i think of not going back to therapy and the money i'd save and the heartache i'd save, i feel a sense of freedom. But i also feel sad at it ending this way. I had high hopes. We do work well together, i had trusted her, but that's not there just now and i don't know if i can get that back.
I feel completely abandoned by her. Today i should be hearing from her and instead i am all alone and really struggling with all of this and really can't tolerate my emotions and she knows this and still she hasn't offered to call me. She text me to tell me she hope i feel better soon- Really???? WTF!!!!! You created this and this is as close to crisis as it gets and you couldn't put in a call to me? F. this..

I think i could go back and i think it could be repaired with time but like i said i don't know if i want to and i really want to be adult about this, go back and talk it out but right now i am in this spiral of hurt, shame, pain, sadness, betrayal, anger and desperation. Like, if i had an inner child she is currently 6 years old and running the show and she is one pissed off, scared little girl. And i don't know how to stop it.

I'm being really tough on my therapist and sometimes i feel bad and sometime i think "good, she deserves it".

Help....

Some of the best work you will ever do is repairing ruptures. I highly encourage you to go back, to talk it out, and to fix it. It may be difficult, but how will you ever learn to heal problems in relationships if you don't learn in therapy? This is so important. Don't quit now.

You know, the worst most difficult relationships i've ever had are with therapists. I don't get this annoyed with friends. I may feel similar things on a lesser scale with friends. I am securely attached to my husband but damn! Therapists? They just tap into my crazy button.

But that's their job; to dig deep into what's bothering you. We can often end up hiding behind our "false selves" in our outward relationships and it seems like we're going great and everything is fine. But when a layer of that "false self" is peeled back, we suddenly become vulnerable and, as you said, develop some heartache.

But is that sense of freedom you feel really freedom or is it comfort because you can go back to hiding?

It's quite possible that she wanted to keep the phone calls available, but she may have been approached about charging both for the financial benefit of the group she works for and because of a blurry ethics line. What I'm saying is that it may not have been entirely her decision.

Anyway, I agree with the others that getting back to it may be one of the best learning experiences you could have.

They do that for all of us And it's a good thing, whether you can see it or not.

Thanks, it did occur to me that she's been advised by her supervisor to charge because when she offered them to me she said the money wasn't what was important to her in this job. I felt awful not being able to pay and that's why i feel so shamed now, like i took something i didn't deserve to have.
I disagree with it being unethical, i think boundaries can still be kept. It's not the money that keeps the boundaries in check it's the therapist. And she was doing that in my opinion.

Is there a compromise possible? Like charging after 5 minutes but not just for a check in under that amount of time?

I agree with you, I never have these problem with friends, but friends dont tap into our deepest feelings either, and you can walk away from friends when they piss you off, but you have the choice to call them or go back to thier house, a half hour later when you have cooled down, where as with a t, you dont, you have to hold on to all that crap till your next sessions. Yes friends have boundaries too, but its not like, ok sweepy you have breached my boundary, I will refer you to another friend of mine and you could be friends with her now.

The relationship with a therapist in itself is so twisted, that its there to help, but it comes with great sacrifice, so many emotions and feelings that some people develop for thier therapists and dont know how to sort them out, like me included. Thats the problem I have, Im trying to avoid at all costs because it hurts so much.
Im just trying to get my problems fixed or managable and get out.
I told my t that I dont like dealing with feelings and emotions and therapy magnifies all that for me times 100, and i said so therapy is so wonderfull, I said it so sarcastically. and she said , so she said I think you do want to deal with your feelings, why would you keep coming back to therapy then,
so that pissed me off so MUCH, i said, because YOU PEOPLE KEEP LEAVING IN THE MIDDLE OF @##$$%% me trying to resolve my issues leaving me more confused then ever, magnifiying my abandonment issues and every other issue.

She shouldnt have offered then freakin changed her mind!! What is wrong with her?? If shes trying to make you mad, then i think you have carte blanche. Wtf!!

I'd ask her if there was some sort of compromise.

Like...are you needing/wanting contact, or are you needing/wanting full sessions? It is fair and she was probably advised by others that she should be charging for full phone sessions.

But if you're just wanting contact and reassurance, then I'm sure she can give you a few minutes... even if it's just texting on and off throughout the week.

I told her at the very first meeting. I need boundaries to be clear and consistent. Don't give me something then take it away because that throws me way off kilter. She has changed several things in 5 months and i've rolled with it, talked it out, and accepted. But this, this is just one too many. I have no idea why offer it and then take it away. Why offer it in the 1st place.

Stopdog: it's not really a check in i need it's two sessions a week. And since i can't afford it, the telephone call was the compromise.

Sorry I misunderstood. Good luck with it.

consistency is very important in a relationship, the rupture is not your fault.

I wonder if it would be possible to send emails throughout the week or whatever?/ Then she can check and respond to the emails when she is available.

In the beginning of seeing T bout 5 years ago I would call her if I needed to. I agonized every time I called her because I would be calling her home number and she would never charge me for those times even when I requested she did. I finally decided to email her when I needed to. It works better for me that way.

I would be feeling all those things too - hurt, angry, and ashamed that I took something that did not belong to me.

She offered, though, and you took her at her word that it was OK.

I do think that human beings should be allowed to change their minds about all manner of things. There should be freedom to say, "This arrangement works for me," and then when it doesn't, to say, "This arrangement doesn't work for me."

This therapist sounds a bit inexperienced, particularly if she's changing the terms of your contractual relationship every few weeks. (I'm referring to the previous boundary changes.)

She probably learned a valuable lesson during all this for her future therapy practice.

What really stinks is that you are paying emotionally for the lessons that she is learning in how to handle client's desires for contact versus money constraints.

It makes me think about how George Washington was a great American war general, and eventually the first president. He became a great general from mistakes he made in previous battles. His soldiers paid for those lessons with their lives.

This is like you, paying for her mistakes with your own hurt. She should've known better to offer free phone sessions.

I'm sorry that you are suffering. I selfishly want you to stay in therapy because I enjoy your contributions to this board. (lol)

Asiablue

I am finding that how our therapists approach us in these things is so important.

I'm not sure that framing this for you as a boundary crossing was helpful to you in this case. Boundary Crossing is a very loaded word and implies a shared responsibility. Was that the case here? I would freak out about this too.

What if she had framed it differently to you. What if she had simply said, "Asiablue, I truly want to help you. I've been thinking about our arrangement though, and think that *I* made a mistake, and we should talk about this again. We might need to find another way for me to help you." Is she taking full ownership here?

This may have been an internal boundary issue for her, but she is the one who crossed her own boundary by offering the sessions to you, not you. This is her own internal work to do, not yours. She needs to take responsibility for having inconsistant boundaries and for the pain this inconsistancy has caused you.

This was not your fault.

Turtle

I agree with Hankster... she offered it and then she took it away. This isn't a rupture this is unprofessionalism. You have every right to feel the way you do.

I couldn't agree more. Instead of taking responsibility for HER mistake and her own boundary crossing she would rather twist it and put it to you in a way that shames you.
You didn't take anything that wasn't offered so you did not breach any boundaries violations.
Even if this is her supervisors idea or suggestion she still had to have brought it too her supervisor.
I think that this is another example of a t deflecting their stuff into a client and dismissing any ideas that they were in fact responsible for this. I am sorry it has happened with two of your ts now.
Would you like to work it out or do you think this can be worked out if she were to admit her part in it.
I understand your feeling shame because I would too but realistically she should be ashamed for doing this, knowing what happened with your last t and how important boundaries are for you

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Beautifully said Turtle! Wish more T's would take responsibility for their actions. They can seriously hurt their clients.

Thanks you so much for all your thoughts on this. To clarify, i think at the time she did say " i think i've made a mistake and a boundary has been crossed".

I have just spent the last hour talking to her in a crisis call at her request. She took full responsibility for it, and explained she was the one to "f. up" it was her stuff etc. That i haven't done anything wrong at all and that i do stick to and respect boundaries.
She reassured me on all counts and explained everything to me. She said she's sticking with me, she's not going anywhere no matter how angry i get at her.
We talked a lot about my some of my anger comes from, cos a lot of it about Wednesday was displaced anger from my past. I talked about my interpersonal skills being at the level of a two year old when i'm angry LOL (because i basically blasted her in texts for the past 3 days) and she said that it's ok if i'm going thru the terrible 2's, that made us both laugh.
We talked thru a lot of stuff actually and she was really understanding, very honest and very reassuring. It's all going to be ok. I'm going back next week and no doubt we'll process some more. Rupture fixed. Mostly.

Wow! That was quite a confession Asiablue. She must really care about your relationship to own up to her mistakes. Glad things are working out for you.

Do you think so? That would be nice.

I think she was and is a very honest person and she isn't afraid to admit to making mistakes. She's a very capable therapist actually. And she has always said and did again today that she will make mistakes, because she's human, and every single client is unique and the way she works with individual clients is dependant on each of their needs and a lot of it can be trial and error at times. But she is always willing to work it out.

Thanks for updating us. I'm glad it's turning out so well. She seems like a keeper?

I am so sorry. I would feel crushed, ashamed, guilty, and so upset if this happened to me. She made a whopper of a mistake by offering something that she could not honor. Good for you for holding her accountable and sharing your feelings and not silencing the six year old feelings- that's what she's there to work with.

I hope you two will heal the rupture. She made a bad mistake in my estimation- but just a mistake, nothing intentional, nothing meant to hurt you, and I hope you will let her make amends in session.