Well I feel like I just caused my own hurt....was sitting talking to T when all of a sudden I said it scares me the thought that she ....T might sit there every week...but really not want to be there...

With that T said that if that happened then it would be part of the work....my heart stopped!....that wasn't the reply I was expecting at ALL!....

In my mind part of the "fantasy" was I suppose....that t would say how much she loved me and enjoyed being there.....at this point of typing this post I am actually laughing....I can't believe how imature I still am LOL...but anyways this hurt me to hear this reply....I could feel myself fogging out....

.t kept asking what was going on?....I couldn't reply....I was trying to round my "insiders" up to help me....I felt like my life was slipping away....the worse happened....in my head it appears *sigh*....T had said she didn't want to be with me anymore!......eventually I couldnt hold the tears in and cried and told her how it was for me...how my head was telling me she had said she didn't want to be with me....

T said that was because that was what I was expecting....yes that fits the bill quite well....I expect that from everybody in my life....its like I'm just waiting for them to tell me they don't want to be with me anymore.....

She did mention how when I first came into the session today I had said how I had mixed feelings about being there....that I did and didn't want to be there and perhaps I had projected the not wanting to be there because it was easier for me not to have to hold onto too conflicting feelings....

But what I don't get is why can't I cope with having oppersite feelings about stuff...why would wanting to be there...and not wanting to be there cause me so much confusion?...

I have calmed down since this mornings session and am willing to get straight back into the topic at my next session...as I've opened a door that I just can't close now....

Any thoughts on this anyone?

[Soidhonia]

Hello I hope you are feeling better at this time. I am sorry that you are confused and conflicted about your therapist. Your therapist is there to help you and not try to harm you in any way mentally. I do feel that you are not thinking correctly at this time, and you really wanted the therapist to tell you what you were thinking because you need to hear that you are loved and wanted. Perhaps you need to share this information with the therapist in order to let the theraist coach you in how to deal with getting the love and respect you deserve in life in a realistic manner. This may help you wiht your fantasy issues and codependency that you feel on your therapists and mental health managers. I hope the best for you, in your future. I want to leave you a hotlne number to call if you would like to talk to someone in person 1-800-273-TALK. I hope you dont feel alone you are not weird or strange , you just have some issues that you need to work on so that you have a better life emotionally, and know the difference regarding truth and fantasy. Take care sincerely Soidhonia

[(JD)]

I think the classic term is "approach-avoidance conflict?" Yes, it's quite common. I even go through this from time to time.

I'm glad you talked it out a bit with the T. Anytime you begin to really feel like you don't want to be there "today" I would be sure to tell her at the time.

Good wishes

[Perna]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
mouse_ said:
But what I don't get is why can't I cope with having oppersite feelings about stuff...why would wanting to be there...and not wanting to be there cause me so much confusion?...

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post"> But Mouse, look at how far you've come and how you ARE coping with this!!!! You wouldn't have thought, much less expressed what you did today. Now you have a very distinct feeling state you can "remember" (wanting to go to/be in therapy as well as not wanting to go/be there at the same time) and you can trot out the memory of today and compare it with other feeling states of yours and other people's. Feelings are very slightly less confusing/a mess and more distinct instead of just being featureless. You should feel very proud of yourself, you done good!

I do two things when I get surprised/scared in therapy like that, (1) remind myself that what my T thinks/feels is not why I am in therapy, I'm in therapy to learn about myself and "do the work" and (2) I go over my T's words and find the "truth"/comfort in them that I want. Your T said, "if that happens. . ." I would have grabbed the "if" and realized that it has not/is not happening at this time. Then I use my good logic and do the math :-) It is not happening so its "opposite" is happening, my T does want to be there today/now. It's all right to let my heart sing, my T does want to be with me here, now, in this confusing/hurtful mess and help me through it. My T must really like/love me!

[complic8d]

I've wanted to ask my t that question before too. What stops me is getting the answer I might not like. AND, if she said she does like me, being there with me, then I would figure she was saying that to not hurt my feelings. Either way I don't "win"
I'm glad that you got to talk to her about it in that very appt. Otherwise you would have a lot of worrying before the next appt. Your t didn't say she didn't like you, and I know how it feels to expect that. Therapy is hard with all that attachment and transference. I struggle with it all the time.

from time to time I have asked my therapy professionals if there was ever times when they wished they were not sitting at that moment to a clients problems and they have all told me yes those times do come.

Therapists are human beings so they just like anyone else have times when they would rather be doing something else then doing their jobs. But because their job IS to sit in a room and listen to a clients problems they do things that will help themselves to be 100% with that specific client for example one therapy professional that I had scheduled her clients 10 minutes apart so that she the therapy professional could have some down time/ relaxing time between clients. Another one would tell me right out - "you jnow what my mind is not on other people today and I would rather be here with you when I can give you my all so how about we reschedule.

Personally I have never taken it personally as in the therapist didn't want to be with me. But maybe thats because I have had so many therapy professionals in my life so that I don't expect to me their number one priority all the time because I know they have lives and problems of their own that sometimes interferes with therapy schedules and sessions and so on.

I don't know why it has upset you but since it does maybe this is something you and your therapist could look more into for you.

Hang in there.

Wanting to be loved is a normal natural thing. Feelings of abandonment, real or percveived, hurt deeply. You are not immature, you have real emotional needs and you may just be discovering how important they are to you.

I exhaust myself worrying about when someone is going to leave me... not if they are, because there is no if in my mind--it is inevitable that they will. It makes me distort reality and I can read somethng someone says when I am in my worry state and it will sound as if they are getting ready to say 'so long'.. then later when I am feeling better I can read it again and it doesn't sound that way at all.

I really admire your being able to talk to your T about this.

I'm glad you are feeling better. Please don't judge yourself about this need you have or the readiness to believe people will leave you; keep exploring it for greater understanding.

ECHOES

Hi, Thanks for all the responses...its nice to be heard!...You know since yesterday I've been kinda waiting for the big cloud of desparation and depression to settle on me...as that was always the way its been for me....whenever I've had to deal with tough issues like this...but this time it feels different...like a part of me is stronger now and I DO know at some level that T is just human and will experince times of not wanting to see me or sit with me...just like I have moments like that with my own children...

I think because of past issues this had grown into a monster inside my head and its never been touched upon by the adult I am now today...its been stuck with my child part...still wondering who will take care of me? if the people who are supposed to be are not wanting to be there (adoption issues)....

I'm glad this has come up and I;m glad I have a good therapist that will help me through this in a proper fashion unlike yrs ago...

I also do not feel so ashamed anymore of having these needs....I am begining to accept them and understand they should have been met a very long time ago but werent and now I can do something about that!

MYSELF. ...The adult part of me sees things the way you describe also but I have child parts that don't and thats the reason I am in therapy...If I never had to work on these issues or they never arose...I wouldnt really need therapy LOL....

LOL know the feeling sometimes. Hang in there

[imere2help]

hi, i hope ur ok!
i think i understand wot u mean ive been in therapy for nearly 5 yrs now and it hurts me everytime someone leaves.
u like to think that they do care n they do wanna help u but reality is as much as it hurts its there job.

Take care
Lacy

I think a good therapist does care on a human level also...I use too convince myself that I;m, just another bozo on the bus as far as my therapist is concerned with me...but I'm begining to believe that would be an insult to my therapist to only think that....underneath the client/therapist role are also 2 humanbeings having a relationship....I think we must "effect" each other on a deeper level also...

I think there are times that maybe my T doesn't feel like being there....but I think I trust her enought now to be able to tolarate that...it doesnt have to mean anything sinister....

Wow look at me I must be growing LOL