[purplemystery]

It seems that I oscillate between having a great session to having an awful session from week to week. I have only about 10 sessions left with my T because I'm graduating. My one wish is that I can get comfortable with her. Not only do I not make eye contact, but I always sit hunched over so that I don't even fully know what her office looks like. I tried asking my T if I could sit back in the chair once, and that went well, but the next week I didn't feel safe enough to do that. After that week, for the first time ever, my T took charge and said that we're going back to our old pattern, and she asked if I wanted to try sitting on the floor. She guided the entire session and we played a game. It was very surprising to me because my T has always said that the change would have to come from me, but I think she felt the urgency of our small number of sessions left. Sitting on the floor went so well last week that I was looking up a lot more, though still not around the whole room or at her. I finally felt like I knew she cared enough to not let me slip away. I was so confident that today I would be able to look at her if I sat on the floor again. But I just ended up crouched over as always, and I feel devastated because I'm wasting my precious time. What if I should finally admit to myself that this is just the way it's going to be? I'm not going to connect with her in the way that I most want to before my time is up with her. I don't know how I can live with that, but I just don't know why it's so hard for me to allow the connection to happen. I keep "forgetting" that she won't reject me if I try to connect with her. It hurts so much to go and keep failing at this.

[rainbow8]

I understand your desire to connect with your T in a certain way before you are finished with therapy. I have overcome my fear of connecting, but it took many years with different Ts, and only with this one have I come farther than I ever have. But there is something I have never been able to do, and that is, to cry in therapy with my T.

I've never cried in therapy--ever, and we're talking over 15 years with 5 different Ts. I want to cry so badly, and I tell my T when I feel like I want to, but the tears don't come. For me, the inability to cry with my T means I am not fully connected to her.

I'm afraid of "letting go" with another person, I guess. I can cry as soon as I'm alone. Do you know what you're afraid of? I used to be afraid to look into my T's eyes because then I'd see her looking at me, and that was scary. It's still scary! Are you afraid she'll see you, that you'll feel exposed? I have felt like a little kid who covers himself up because she thinks that if she's covered, you can't see her. If you're not looking at your T, she can't see you.

It's hard to change. What if your T closed her eyes while you look at her, as a start? Then she can't see you looking at her. Just an idea!

[purplemystery]

rainbow8- Thanks, I really feel like you understand. It makes me feel a little better to hear your example of being unable to cry. I wonder if for many of us there is something that we never get to with our Ts. I'm sorry you haven't been able to cry with her. I completely get what you mean about how that for you means that you are not fully connected. I feel the same way about not looking at her- I don't feel that connection without it. I just feel distant and withdrawn. It's funny because my T has actually used the same metaphor to describe what I do- she has said that it seems like I think she can't see me. I think I'm afraid that I care too much, and if I were to look at her, I'd see that she doesn't care as much as I want her to, which would be really painful. Thanks, that's a good idea to have my T close her eyes so I can look at her. I'm not sure that she would allow it, but maybe I'll see what she thinks. I've also thought about playing a 20 Questions game where we could each pick an object and try to guess what it is (to get me looking around the room). But I was too afraid to play that today.

[growlycat]

I hope this isn't too painful a question….what happens after graduation? Will you seek out a new T or does it depend on employment?

Connection can't be rushed--you are being hard on yourself.

[purplemystery]

growlycat- It's a good question. In a way, I wish I could get a new T after I graduate. But I'm on my parent's health insurance, and I just don't think it's an option to have them know I'm seeing a T. Maybe if I find a full-time job with health insurance, then I could, but I'm not sure because my parents expect me to stay on their insurance until I'm 25. I don't know if I'd ever find one as good as her, and I'm not sure I'd be able to go for awhile at least, because I'd feel like it would lessen her importance? But I'm sure I'll wind up back in therapy eventually- I feel like I need to get this attachment thing right. The sad thing is, I've had many chances: I had major transference for 2 teachers already, and neither of those relationships worked out in the end. Now history is repeating itself again with my T.

[growlycat]

Still think you are being hard on yourself! You--and anyone really--needs stability in a relationship in order for attachment to blossom. Teachers are teachers and are not equipped for that kind of relationship (long story on my part, i've had experience in that dept.)

If you are in the states, the new healthcare laws may make it more affordable to get coverage on your own--metal health is included under parity laws. Don't deprive yourself care if you need it!

[feralkittymom]

I think you need to cut yourself some slack, too. You haven't built a relationship for that long, and now you're faced with it ending which is a time of increased vulnerability. It's natural that your need to protect yourself would be stronger now. It doesn't seem fair to me to use this one action as the only measurement of the success or failure of your therapy. Can you consider other measures of success? If not, perhaps you can ask your T to help you reframe how you're judging your experience.

I do understand the torn feelings of wanting eye contact yet being paralyzed to initiate it. I went through many years with little eye contact. Not at the beginning, but as I let go of the false self, I felt far more vulnerable, and that made me withdraw from eye contact. But I never felt disconnected (though I know my T experienced it in that way) because for me the connection was through his voice. Is it possible that you experience connection in some other way--I wonder about some sort of spatial relationship because you felt more comfortable sitting on the floor.

[purplemystery]

Originally Posted by feralkittymom

I think you need to cut yourself some slack, too. You haven't built a relationship for that long, and now you're faced with it ending which is a time of increased vulnerability. It's natural that your need to protect yourself would be stronger now. It doesn't seem fair to me to use this one action as the only measurement of the success or failure of your therapy. Can you consider other measures of success? If not, perhaps you can ask your T to help you reframe how you're judging your experience.

I do understand the torn feelings of wanting eye contact yet being paralyzed to initiate it. I went through many years with little eye contact. Not at the beginning, but as I let go of the false self, I felt far more vulnerable, and that made me withdraw from eye contact. But I never felt disconnected (though I know my T experienced it in that way) because for me the connection was through his voice. Is it possible that you experience connection in some other way--I wonder about some sort of spatial relationship because you felt more comfortable sitting on the floor.

Thanks feralkittymom, I am probably being too harsh. I do tend to push myself and to get frustrated with myself. But I have actually been seeing her for 3 years now, so I don't know if that changes your view of things. It's not exactly a short period of time. But I hadn't even really considered that my need to protect myself would be stronger since we're coming to an end. You're probably right that this is contributing somewhat- I know it will hurt very much, and worse if I end up looking at her. Though I still think it would be worth it.

I thought I would try to make a list of my successes:
-Telling my T all that I did: I did tell her some very difficult things that took a lot of courage. That took an enormous amount of trust in her.
-Trust in my T: I have steadily increased in this, and even made a lot of gains this year after going through some difficult moments with her.
-Being direct with my T: There were a few incidents where I was direct with her, which is usually very difficult for me.
-Working through a rupture
This is all I can really think of. I will try to keep these in mind, but I'm mostly just upset with myself. I think I should talk to my T about it.

I can really relate to what you said about having difficulty with eye contact when you let go of your false self. This is when the problem got a lot worse for me. Thanks for your suggestions!

[feralkittymom]

Originally Posted by purplemystery

Thanks feralkittymom, I am probably being too harsh. I do tend to push myself and to get frustrated with myself. But I have actually been seeing her for 3 years now, so I don't know if that changes your view of things. It's not exactly a short period of time. But I hadn't even really considered that my need to protect myself would be stronger since we're coming to an end. You're probably right that this is contributing somewhat- I know it will hurt very much, and worse if I end up looking at her. Though I still think it would be worth it.

I thought I would try to make a list of my successes:
-Telling my T all that I did: I did tell her some very difficult things that took a lot of courage. That took an enormous amount of trust in her.
-Trust in my T: I have steadily increased in this, and even made a lot of gains this year after going through some difficult moments with her.
-Being direct with my T: There were a few incidents where I was direct with her, which is usually very difficult for me.
-Working through a rupture
This is all I can really think of. I will try to keep these in mind, but I'm mostly just upset with myself. I think I should talk to my T about it.

I can really relate to what you said about having difficulty with eye contact when you let go of your false self. This is when the problem got a lot worse for me. Thanks for your suggestions!

3 years is getting into the difficult middle phase, often when challenges seem bigger than in the early days, so I wouldn't expect to be past much of anything. I know I felt that looking would somehow make my feelings escalate and overwhelm me, so not looking seemed like a protection from myself--it wasn't about not trusting what I'd see in him.

It will be worth it to re-establish eye contact if not doing so will leave you with regret. For me, it felt taken out of my hands in a way. He returned after a life-threatening surgery, and somehow it just wasn't about me anymore. I needed the reassurance of seeing him more than the protection from seeing. My fear wasn't about my emotions overwhelming me anymore, but more a need to know he was OK. And I also wanted to give him my seeing as a gift because I knew he experienced my avoidance of seeing as distancing.

Your list of successes is great! I think it will make your T really happy for you.