My session was a ****ing disaster

I never thought I'd see the day where I'd say this, but I think I might have to quit therapy to stop hurting myself.

I had my session tonight and it was like being in the room with a different person. My therapist said she's going to challenge me on everything wrong I do and this seemed to take the form of being very...blunt.

Loads of things she said stung When I was talking about having thoughts of suicide, she said something like 'stop making excuses, don't tell me you can't help being drawn to it'. After an hour and a half she asked me what I was taking in from the session, and I said 'that I have to redirect my energy into more positive channels' and she told me quite sharply that that was an insult to her 20 years of therapy experience and that I was being sarcastic. I don't think I was being sarcastic. I was over-simplifying, sure, because I didn't really understand the points she was making. Then she told me I needed to start taking responsibility for myself, and this was super unfortunate because that's pretty much the last thing my mother said to me before I cut contact with her at the weekend. She also said she was working really hard with me and I wasn't doing my fair share, my 50%, and this confused me because I've asked before if I should be working harder and she's always said no absolutely not.

Everything just was wrong. We're supposed to see each other for one two hour session a week now with no contact in between. I've just done three months intensive work, about six hours a week with as much texting and emailing and calling between. I'm so grateful for all the good, but the sudden change in contact ****ing hard. She said she was pissed off at herself for the way she had been working with me until now, that she doesn't work with others like that and our dynamic is very different. Obviously, the dynamic I loved, she disliked

It feels like once I started to really grow confident she'd be there, she whipped the rug out from under me. I don't know what to do. I don't know if I want to do one session a week with her. I was so frozen in my session tonight and the more I felt attacked the more afraid I was of saying anything and shut down.

After, I left a voicemail saying I felt abandoned, and basically so hurt at having her ripped away from me after having a taste of what it felt like to have somebody there - I apologized for breaking the boundary but wasn't sorry for saying it. She messaged me then basically saying well done for fighting for myself (I don't know if I want to have to fight for myself against my therapist though) and that I can email as much as I like. But I almost can't trust it. I don't know. I feel acutely disloyal even writing this, but I need to post this here to see if PC thinks I'm being too sensitive and just need a kick up the *** and to stop feeling uncomfortable and upset I can't think straight.

wow so the attitude didnt come from ur reply? she just started ur appointment like that?? how did last session end? well if shes contradicting herself u need to confront her.

My quick take on it is that it might be very helpful to you to really dig into how you felt in response to what she said and talk to her concretely and openly about it. it sounds to me like she welcomes you to do this, based on her response to your voicemail. Take what she says at face value and have the contact she offered.

Part of what you said about how you were happy with your progress but she is obviously not, that seems like kind of a cool relationship issue that also might have lots of work to do within. It reminded me of how sometimes married couples reach this place-- I'm happy with the marriage, well, I'm not. A conversation about why you are each feeling the way you are about your progress will probably really help resolve this. To do that, you have to bring back to her all the feelings you are sharing here. But it sounds to me like she is willing to listen to what you have to say, and adjust her side of the street accordingly. That's a pretty good thing for a T to be able to do. But if you don't share your reactions with her, she won't be able to adjust any further.

Yikes....what an awful experience. I can't say if your T is competent or not, but she clearly believes she has skewed your therapy in a way that she feels necessary to fix. I wish she had worked this out and stabilized her emotions about it with a colleague before meeting with you. But it does sound like she's looking to meet you in the process, so I think it's worth it to keep going and try to hash things out. I hope you can be super clear with her about your perceptions, and that you can get the clarity about the process that you deserve.

I'm so sorry that you got that kind of response from your therapist. Do you think this was a moment or sessions x2 of countertransference for her, especially, because she is having a few trials in her personal life? Hopefully both of you can talk about the past 2 sessions. You are saying you are not ready for less contact, and, now, even less. and, your therapist is saying it's time to spread your wings. I think it should be a joint decision, so hopefully you will have the words and the strength to put your immediate needs on the table.

Whatever is happening is about her, not about you, Girl. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

GTGT

FIRST of all, one million, trillion hugs to you.
I'm sorry sweetie...You have every right to feel this way, in my opinion. The situation seems so strange. I could relate to the sudden change in dynamic, and how it feels so disorienting like a huge slap in the face; but your situation sounds even bigger, which I can't even imagine! I really feel bad that you have to feel this way...
I could see that she probably has a method to her madness in the way she is handling everything. There is probably some lesson behind all of this that is hard to see now, but maybe it will begin to make sense once the pain passes. Perhaps she feels like you are ready to move on to a new level of progress? This could be a fantastic sign! Unfortunately those new levels are super painful and hard to adjust to for a while. I hope that's what the case is.

I'm glad she is allowing in between contact again! You clearly explained your emotions about the situation in your OP, maybe include some of these lines in an email to her? You could even say it is for the purpose of discussing next session...Be honest and tell her your struggling adjusting and processing.

I hope things feel better very soon.

I'm SO sorry! I had a similar experience with my T a few months ago...your experience reminds me of it. Look up projective identification. There is a thread recently posted on here about it, too. It's more than just projection but its a bit complicated so I don't feel competent enough to explain it very well.

I told my T how angry I became due to what happened (total change in demeanor) and he sincerely apologized. It took 3 months, but he finally went into a bit more detail to explain some of what he thought happened. In my situation, he got caught up in my complaint that I felt badly about myself not making enough "progress" and whatnot. It was more than that but i don't want to get into it here. But this i do know: I was never blaming him and directly said as much. It's so complicated but shouldn't be /:

I wouldn't even call it transference, to me, though I understand I don't have all the details, your reaction was totally understandable given how she changed the parameters of the contact so recently, and let her exasperation show through in a place that's supposed to feel safer, and seemed to make a major flip-flop as to how she thought you were progressing in therapy. I'm sure she had her reasons, but don't discount your perceptions. I'm so glad you're going to talk it out. I hope it heals better than ever. That's the only upside of ruptures sometimes.

Wait, how is it that you know she recently broke up with her partner?

Because she told me! I'm not a stalker

Thats weird. That she told you. Your not her therapist!!

I just quickly want to pick up on something... You said she has been seeing you for free for a while now.
In my opinion this is almost ALWAYS a red flag. It's unethical for many reasons. And one of the reasons being the way you feel now and the added feeling you have of you "bleeding her dry"
Not paying for sessions even a very low fee of a few dollars leaves you vulnerable in many many ways. Perhaps she thinks that she has done you a "favor" and you haven't returned it by working harder. It's a wrong thought on her part, but T's are human and this could be what she is feeling.
And it leaves you absolutely powerless because if you were to complain to anyone, the issue of not having paid for the sessions, the email or phone contact in between sessions.. it would make things very complicated...

I think it is better to charge a nominal fee, just to keep the relationship professional. And it gives you an opportunity to talk about money.

different therapists have different levels of self disclosure, and that's entirely up to them, no?

I hope they will take into account the needs of the patient.