[sweepy62]

Dont know what happened between, her asking me what I thought my csa nightmare meant to me, and what it meant to her, and what we would be discussing next session. In session everything seemed as ok as it could be. Once I left the session, emotions started coming up, the only reason I disclosed was because I needed to and because I promised my old t I would open up to this new t, and I keep my word.

I picked a nightmare , I disclosed it, except like she said, it was a double layered dream, where it involved my little brother where I was rescuing him, but at the same time, I was a kid myself, the bad person was involve, but, as my t stated, how could you rescue when you were a child, she was right. We concluded this nightmare was mostly about my csa directly, but also had a part 2, leading to my brothers csa.

I guess truth hurts, I wanted to direct that nightmare all to my brother I guess avoiding myself, she veered it back to me, I was fine with that in session. When I got home, I read it again, I got more upset because she is right.

Now I have all these emotions of anger at my t, anger at myself for disclosing that nightmare, I should have chose another one, I dont want to call her, now I have to wait till next wed, I am so pissed off. I am planning to tell her that , that interpretation did not sit well with me, and I really dont need help interpretating nightmares and they are not relevant to my therapy.

Sorry for my posting so much, I m so repetative but i need to get this out, everything seemed ok in that room, once I left and went home, all these things emotions just started coming out of nowhere. Help.

[Leah123]

Awe, Sweepy, I'm sorry. I always find it the same- as hard as it is to disclose, my struggle to cope after is much harder. After a while of living that hellish cycle of trauma work, I demanded more coping tools from my therapist. The DBT stuff helps me: planning pleasurable distractions post-session, taking extra good care of myself, accepting that my feelings are difficult but not harmful, and sometimes writing it out or expressing my feelings in a way that helps me at least partly release/defuse them. Learning relaxation techniques is also supposed to be really helpful, though I haven't gotten far with them yet. I hope you two will talk about a care plan for dealing with your disclosures: we deserve them! I don't think it can be easy, but it can get easier.

[unaluna]

I dont understand. Your fight seems to be in what you tell, as if not telling means it didnt happen, or you dont have to deal with it. My fight with my t seems always to be with getting him to understand what happened and the meaning of what happened and coming up with a correct interpretation of what happened and how its affecting what happened today. When will be a good time to tell? Some people ONLY get six visits. Its like saving the good china and silver for a special occasion that never comes. Its like me saying i will exercise and clean house tomorrow, only tomorrow never comes. I can never get ahead of it or get it behind me and resolved and over. Cuz then what? Idk.

[HazelGirl]

It's very normal. But I believe it's probably a defense against the emotions of vulnerability and fear. Instead of feeling vulnerable and scared (and other emotions you may be feeling), you get angry.

[Sabra]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Dont know what happened between, her asking me what I thought my csa nightmare meant to me, and what it meant to her, and what we would be discussing next session. In session everything seemed as ok as it could be. Once I left the session, emotions started coming up, the only reason I disclosed was because I needed to and because I promised my old t I would open up to this new t, and I keep my word.

I picked a nightmare , I disclosed it, except like she said, it was a double layered dream, where it involved my little brother where I was rescuing him, but at the same time, I was a kid myself, the bad person was involve, but, as my t stated, how could you rescue when you were a child, she was right. We concluded this nightmare was mostly about my csa directly, but also had a part 2, leading to my brothers csa.

I guess truth hurts, I wanted to direct that nightmare all to my brother I guess avoiding myself, she veered it back to me, I was fine with that in session. When I got home, I read it again, I got more upset because she is right.

Now I have all these emotions of anger at my t, anger at myself for disclosing that nightmare, I should have chose another one, I dont want to call her, now I have to wait till next wed, I am so pissed off. I am planning to tell her that , that interpretation did not sit well with me, and I really dont need help interpretating nightmares and they are not relevant to my therapy.

Sorry for my posting so much, I m so repetative but i need to get this out, everything seemed ok in that room, once I left and went home, all these things emotions just started coming out of nowhere. Help.

Good morning,

Anger was my favorite emotion for many years. Because anger is a secondary emotion, I never had to deal with the pain, fear etc that was under it. How that changed when I decided to go to therapy to deal with my issues. I became extremely depressed. I would sit on the sofa and stare out the window for hours... or I sat thru the night smoking one cigarette after another. When depressed, I felt like I had lead in my butt and mush in my brain. At least, there is energy in anger.

I think you knew that at some point you were going to need to become vulnerable. You even mention you promised your former therapist. I know you work hard in therapy and take the risks. I applaud you for your willingness to share that piece of info with your new therapist.

Is it possible that you need the anger to distance yourself from the feelings that came up in session? If so, honor the feeling of anger as a defense mechanism until you see her next week.

Regards,

Sabra

[sweepy62]

Sabra: I use anger alot as a defense mechanism, its full of energy and, it squashes the vulnerability and the fear and sadness, you are right. My old t recognized that and so does this one.

I been smoking alot more cigarettes, my mind is playing tricks on me, it has me believing that, she is looking to analyze my dreams, not to believe me, I know this is not rational.

maybe im looking for excuses, because she is coming close to me an I feel safe, and I just want to push her away from me.

[Sabra]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

Sabra: I use anger alot as a defense mechanism, its full of energy and, it squashes the vulnerability and the fear and sadness, you are right. My old t recognized that and so does this one.

I been smoking alot more cigarettes, my mind is playing tricks on me, it has me believing that, she is looking to analyze my dreams, not to believe me, I know this is not rational.

maybe im looking for excuses, because she is coming close to me an I feel safe, and I just want to push her away from me.

sweepy,

I don't think you are looking for an excuse. I believe you working hard and sometimes it becomes overwhelming. I absolutely agree that when I would disclose something that made me feel too vulnerable, my defenses started immediately.

You could be doing the therapeutic alliance dance. It is always a back and forth experience, especially in the early stages. I know you had a good alliance with your first T. Can u look back and see if you had these same feelings with him?

Regards,

Sabra

[Auntie2014]

IMHO it is easier for you to address CSA if you focus on the part about your brother and needing to protect him...What about what sweepy needed???? That is the part that T & sweepy need to work on and you are going into untraveled areas of what happened to you not your brother. You are going to have time between sessions where you will "process" what you and T talk about...I promise it does get easier and feel that new T is a safe person to help you. Hang in there!

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by Auntie2014

IMHO it is easier for you to address CSA if you focus on the part about your brother and needing to protect him...What about what sweepy needed???? That is the part that T & sweepy need to work on and you are going into untraveled areas of what happened to you not your brother. You are going to have time between sessions where you will "process" what you and T talk about...I promise it does get easier and feel that new T is a safe person to help you. Hang in there!

yes , she wants to go in steps from step 1, which I agree, i like structure, step 1 would be where it began, it began with me, csa began with me, then the rest of my siblings, if I jump to my brother, my siblings then back to me, she says she will be missing pieces, which is true, I get it, I just did not realize that my nightmares that involved my siblings, were more focused on me, because in my nightmares I am always rescuing them, but they were not even born yet, but why are they even in my nightmares, thats why she wants to start dealing with me first, she says my nightmares have double meanings.

Hey Sweepy
This sounds so hard to deal with and especially having to wait a whole week to see your t again.
This may be off the wall but most dream interpreters agree that everyone in our dram represents a part of us. So what if your siblings represented you as a baby and you are rescuing yourself and your own inner child? Does that make any sense to you.
Is this a recurring nightmare?

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Hey Sweepy
This sounds so hard to deal with and especially having to wait a whole week to see your t again.
This may be off the wall but most dream interpreters agree that everyone in our dram represents a part of us. So what if your siblings represented you as a baby and you are rescuing yourself and your own inner child? Does that make any sense to you.
Is this a recurring nightmare?

Yes its one of many recurring nightmares, and it could be the damn inner child thing, and im upset angry, I feel most comfortable with that emotion, but alot of the other ones are coming up, like vulnerable and shame, sadness and fear. And I have to wait till wed, she encourages me to call, but I wont budge.

[Auntie2014]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

yes , she wants to go in steps from step 1, which I agree, i like structure, step 1 would be where it began, it began with me, csa began with me, then the rest of my siblings, if I jump to my brother, my siblings then back to me, she says she will be missing pieces, which is true, I get it, I just did not realize that my nightmares that involved my siblings, were more focused on me, because in my nightmares I am always rescuing them, but they were not even born yet, but why are they even in my nightmares, thats why she wants to start dealing with me first, she says my nightmares have double meanings.

She is just wanting to put it in perspective for her but I think you are also getting a different perspective now which can be a good thing. My T did this by having me do a time line with my age at the time xxx happened. It sounds like you are the oldest child so you were the one trying to protect your siblings.What a brave thing for you to do.

[sweepy62]

Originally Posted by Auntie2014

She is just wanting to put it in perspective for her but I think you are also getting a different perspective now which can be a good thing. My T did this by having me do a time line with my age at the time xxx happened. It sounds like you are the oldest child so you were the one trying to protect your siblings.What a brave thing for you to do.

I was the oldest child, i was the first born, my 1st sister was born 5 yrs later my other sister was born 3 yrs after that, the funny thing , my brother came late, 16 years, when i was 16 , he was born, my mom though it was menopause but it was pregnancy. Heres is the thing, I couldnt save anyone.

They are in my nightmares, yet they were not born, and I am sorry for replying or posting so much, Iam so into the logic, that I cant figure this out, I am sorry.