[Yearning0723]

Don't say you weren't warned...

I miss old T. I have so much I need to talk about this week and so much going through my head and I just need to let it all out...but new T and I aren't going have time to get through all of it, especially not with all the history she needs to even understand stuff. I'm dealing with mother stuff, missing old T stuff, and just a million things running through my head that really aren't "emergencies" but things that are making me insane all added together, and I'd really like to talk about them with T. But I don't trust her enough yet, and I don't even know if she knows enough about me to respond well to any of it...

Part of me wants to ask her to do two sessions this week, just because I'm having a bit of a hard time and would like to spend some time talking about old T but wouldn't be able to justify spending a whole week on that and leaving all the other stuff to next week...but new T only works Friday, Saturday, Sunday and I don't know her well enough and am not comfortable enough to even make that request, and then start to seem like the "needy client" and then maybe end up liking the twice a week schedule so much that I just want to keep it that way...if she worked Monday or Tuesday I would have no problem asking (or at least, less of a problem), but Friday and Sunday are probably too close together, and I don't know how much it would help anyway.

I wish my brain would just shut up. And yes, I've been distracting myself, but this stuff really needs processing.

[HazelGirl]

This might be a good time to try out a new experience, and ask for what you need. Either ask to put off her questions for a week to discuss the things you're going through, or ask for two sessions. This is a great chance to test whether she is able to give you the things you need.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

This might be a good time to try out a new experience, and ask for what you need. Either ask to put off her questions for a week to discuss the things you're going through, or ask for two sessions. This is a great chance to test whether she is able to give you the things you need.

Well, I think that she does need to know about the mother stuff that she's going to want to know about on Friday to be able to understand anything else...it's so exhausting to have to retell all this all over again. But I know she won't understand my attachment issues without that important information, so telling her about T issues or mentor figure issues or the issues I'm having this week leaving so many people behind (classmates for the summer, my favorite professor who I won't see again because she's moving back to the states, old T, possibly mentor figure who I might not see again after tomorrow) and how that's bringing up other stuff for me would be counterproductive because she wouldn't have the context needed to respond properly to it...

I feel like she might be able to give me what I need eventually, but asking feels like it might be starting things off on the wrong foot...especially since I don't trust her enough yet to trust her response. We've only had three sessions...

[Petra5ed]

Well, you know I'm going to say you should ask. I think there is a way you can do it where you won't seem needy either. Just say "is there any way we could meet twice a week for a week or two, I've been processing a lot lately and wouldn't mind the extra support" and then be prepared for her to possibly say no, and if she does just say "that's ok, just figured I'd ask" and don't look devastated (this may require acting, but I bet you could prepare with a self talk right before). Good chance she'll say yes. I mean, she wants to sell her skill of therapy right, she's in business and taking clients? If she says no and you accept her no gracefully, you will not be seen as "needy."

I'm sorry you miss your old T. I know it really sucks. It might help if you start writing letters to the old T about it, just hold on to them, or send them if you want I mean what can the T do at this point, ha! But it's helped me sometimes to write it all out when there is no one to talk to, even if I never send it or show anyone.

[CantExplain]

Every time you retell your story, you tell a little bit more.

[Asiablue]

I don't think your T needs to know all your story to be supportive, to meet you where you're at in the moment. She doesn't need a degree in Yearning to help you. You can go in and tell her exactly how you're feeling and why and she will respond to that. The deeper work comes with time. I think you need to let go a little of that control and give it over to her (where it belongs in this instance).

[HazelGirl]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

I don't think your T needs to know all your story to be supportive, to meet you where you're at in the moment. She doesn't need a degree in Yearning to help you. You can go in and tell her exactly how you're feeling and why and she will respond to that. The deeper work comes with time. I think you need to let go a little of that control and give it over to her (where it belongs in this instance).

I agree with this. Even if she doesn't fully get it right now, she can still listen and understand and empathize with how you're feeling in the moment.

[Yearning0723]

I guess I don't trust her enough not to say something stupid about my mother issues without knowing the whole story - even the whole condensed story, but the whole story. It's just a lack of trust...

[Asiablue]

If you don't take the risk, how will you ever know if you can trust her?

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

If you don't take the risk, how will you ever know if you can trust her?

I know...I guess it's just that the whole situation with old T has left some scars. I'm not sure I'm ready to trust again so easily and make myself vulnerable like that during our fourth session...asking for an extra session would be pretty vulnerable, especially considering how badly old T always responded to that, and talking to her about mentor figure without giving her some background would also be pretty vulnerable...old T did not like when I talked about mentor figure. She didn't understand why the relationship was so important to me (or she thought it shouldn't be) and came to the conclusion that I was using mentor figure to get out of talking about my "real" issues.

I'm not ready to give someone else the chance to hurt me like that...

[Asiablue]

Well, you're backing yourself into a real corner here then.

Your old T didn't hurt you on purpose, she just wasn't a good match in the end. This T might hurt you in the future, she probably will, cos that's what humans do. But what helps the hurt is if it is allowed to be resolved. The reason it all still hurts about exT is that most of it was unresolved. The difference with this T is hopefully that she makes room for your feelings, that she allows herself to make mistakes and gives time and place for those mistakes to be resolved by both of you. And that's what will make the difference and make the hurt go away.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

Well, you're backing yourself into a real corner here then.

Your old T didn't hurt you on purpose, she just wasn't a good match in the end. This T might hurt you in the future, she probably will, cos that's what humans do. But what helps the hurt is if it is allowed to be resolved. The reason it all still hurts about exT is that most of it was unresolved. The difference with this T is hopefully that she makes room for your feelings, that she allows herself to make mistakes and gives time and place for those mistakes to be resolved by both of you. And that's what will make the difference and make the hurt go away.

I know old T didn't hurt me on purpose, obviously. That actually makes it worse, not better. Because there was no malice; she just didn't see how her actions were affecting me, or she saw but couldn't do anything about them.

Ruptures in relationships are fine - when there's a solid foundation. At the beginning of a therapeutic relationship if your needs are too big then the T will just suggest you find someone else, because they'll feel unequipped to deal with that. I mean, I guess you're better off knowing sooner rather than later (logically), but I would still feel really rejected if this T told me that she probably isn't in the best position to meet my needs...

[Asiablue]

and again... you'll never know unless you try. A million things could happen. But you can't anticipate them all. And if you are so unwilling to move forward at all, then maybe you need to take a break from the whole therapy thing?

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

and again... you'll never know unless you try. A million things could happen. But you can't anticipate them all. And if you are so unwilling to move forward at all, then maybe you need to take a break from the whole therapy thing?

Maybe...old T suggested that, actually. And maybe that's true. But it would feel too much like giving up.

I guess what I want in a T now is different. With old T, I just wanted to solve my issues. At this point, I still want that, but I also just want to feel cared about and to have someone who will help me sit with my feelings instead of shaming me for them and who will be there for me and be understanding and supportive and who will help me learn to just accept certain parts of myself instead of obsessively analyzing them...

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Maybe...old T suggested that, actually. And maybe that's true. But it would feel too much like giving up.

I guess what I want in a T now is different. With old T, I just wanted to solve my issues. At this point, I still want that, but I also just want to feel cared about and to have someone who will help me sit with my feelings instead of shaming me for them and who will be there for me and be understanding and supportive and who will help me learn to just accept certain parts of myself instead of obsessively analyzing them...

And how do you intend to get that if you don't give your new T the chance to?

Unless you are prepared to drop the defenses just enough to allow a T to work with you, then you are spending an awful lot of money and time for what?

It's not easy, i know that. But right now you are creating an impasse where your new T can't maneuver in a way that will help you or create trust.

[Yearning0723]

Originally Posted by Asiablue

And how do you intend to get that if you don't give your new T the chance to?

Unless you are prepared to drop the defenses just enough to allow a T to work with you, then you are spending an awful lot of money and time for what?

It's not easy, i know that. But right now you are creating an impasse where your new T can't maneuver in a way that will help you or create trust.

Okay, Asia. So do you suggest that when I see her tomorrow, I tell her all about the stuff my mother put me through when I was living with her, mention how abandoned I felt when she kicked me out, explain how the same thing feels like it's happening with old T, mentor figure, all the other changes going on in my life right now, etc., tell her how hurt I felt about the situation with mentor figure, and describe my ambivalence about leaving old T even though I know it's the best thing for me to do, and if we don't have time to get through all of that in one session, ask her for another session the next day or the day after (since she only works Friday-Sunday)? Would that be a normal/good fourth session, you think?

This is going to take time. You are going to have to allow some time for you and your new T to know each other. It's like you want it all to happen right now and perfectly right now when the reality is it will take time and there may be some bumps in the road while you get acquainted.

If you want more than one session a week to get through this initial phase, that is certainly a legitimate request. Yes, she has the option to say that isn't an option, but if you don't ask, you really can't complain. A "no" response would not be a comment on you from what I can tell. It would more likely have to do with her tight schedule.

Don't try to plan ahead. You'll just be disappointed when things do go exactly the way your mind arranged them. One step at a time here.

[Asiablue]

Originally Posted by Yearning0723

Okay, Asia. So do you suggest that when I see her tomorrow, I tell her all about the stuff my mother put me through when I was living with her, mention how abandoned I felt when she kicked me out, explain how the same thing feels like it's happening with old T, mentor figure, all the other changes going on in my life right now, etc., tell her how hurt I felt about the situation with mentor figure, and describe my ambivalence about leaving old T even though I know it's the best thing for me to do, and if we don't have time to get through all of that in one session, ask her for another session the next day or the day after (since she only works Friday-Sunday)? Would that be a normal/good fourth session, you think?

I think it would be a GREAT start.

But seriously... what i actually suggest is that you go in with an open mind and be prepared to do the work. Speak to her about what is most pressing at the moment, what is hurting you the most, what do you need to share the most in that moment?
You do just have an hour, so you will need to prioritize. And Yes, if you want another session, ask! Tell her you're feeling really overwhelmed and would like another session if she's free.

[CantExplain]

I take the view that it is T's job to win your trust. They have no right to assume you will trust them.

However, if trust is an issue, why nor talk about that?