[IndestructibleGirl]

I can't seem to commit to any one particular branch of emotions for more than twenty minutes...

I had a really good session. Talked about all my concerns, challenged my therapist on several different things that were confusing and unfair boundary wise, and talked about my romantic transference.

It was the sweetest rejection I could ever have imagined Somehow, it was not awkward, or weird, or cold. She was totally normal with me, as in warm and positive and loving. Touched my cheek on the way in as usual, which reassured me that she doesn't see me as somebody who should be on some kind of sex offender's register And then later, asked delicate questions as to whether the touching is difficult for me now, as it's recently she has started doing more touching. I experience the touch as very maternal or like a sister, so no, I don't think it's part of the problem. I certainly would feel more aggrieved and devastated if I suddenly became an untouchable.

So she reinforced the ethics around how she would never get involved with a client, and gave me a little story to illustrate this, about a man from years back who she was very attracted to, who kept asking her out and she kept saying no. And how colleagues said, well you could date him six months after (I know, I thought it was two years, maybe in the UK it's different?) and she said no absolutely never. She said even if she got really drunk she would never **** my brains out - in fact, she said in her mind for a therapist to do that is pretty much child abuse, because we regress in therapy at times. So it is all crystal clear.

I felt really happy in the room. Safe and relieved she wasn't terminating or being icy, that she's able to talk about this in a way that feels comfortable. And in a way that bizarrely made me feel comfortable - I mean, who knew? That someone can explain how they don't find you attractive and for it to still feel okay?!

She wanted to give me the money from Mr Rich Client again, and I said no, and she's respecting that. And I asked bluntly if she resented me for not paying, hence all the ebay/pa stuff, and she said it had occurred to her too and she had taken it into supervision and checked it out, but it was not the case. She also gave me a more detailed picture of her medical situation, the why she has cancelled appointments lately and been less available. Regarding the personal self disclosure stuff, she said sometimes she wonders why she has said a particular thing, and that sometimes she gets the balance wrong, but she basically said she feels the kind of relationship we have is very frank and works better that way.

So I got a lot of answers. I left feeling loved - platonically - so I don't seem to have lost anything.

I'm fine about everything in many ways, and then I get a sharp stab of grief (I think that's what it is?) at my unrequited love and it floors me

It seems really counter-intuitive to keep going back to this person who doesn't love me that way. Anyone else, I'd know what to do - hide their facebook, delete their phone number, avoid sending drunk emails. Avoid avoid avoid and then the sting of the rejection will go away. But in therapy it's we are told we can resolve it through working with the therapist? That sounds crazy. It's like repeatedly climbing back into the frying pan!

How do I work out if I'm nobly pressing on in working with her because there's a chance to do some great work, or if I'm just using that as an excuse to keep seeing her? I literally don't know!

[sweepy62]

Im so happy your session went well, and you got your questions answered, on the other hand, about the erotic transference, would you have felt ok or flattered if she did tell you she had feelings for you romantically? Omg id , I think that would have flattered you for a second, then threw you into a tailspin.

If you were distressed before, I cant imagine your feelings and emotions after that.

[HazelGirl]

Transference always points to something deeper. That grief is such an important thing to explore in therapy, why you feel it, and what you are truly grieving (someone who would make the pain go away, a mother you won't have, etc...).

[IndestructibleGirl]

Oh I know this is how it is, and how it has to be. And I have to learn to accept it gracefully and not be a teenager about it! I dunno, I think it just feeds into my fear that I am unloveable in the romantic sense. I know my friends love me, my sister, my brother, even my mum does in her own way despite our awful relationship. I don't know why I feel unloveable romantically, I have had my heart broken once but now I wouldn't touch him with someone else's bargepole! I can see how our relationship was not rooted in sustainable love at all. With my other serious relationship, it was me who called off the wedding and broke his heart. I suppose there have been a handful of other rejections that were painful that this reminds me of? People just can't love me as a romantic partner

But then, this is why I value the feelings I have for my therapist. They feel different - like I have fallen in love in a mature way. I love her and I do sometimes have sexual thoughts about her, but they feel like an expression of connection between two human beings, and I want to protect her and keep her safe from everything, and I want to go on accepting all the love (different kind, obviously) she gives me. My other instances of falling in love were not this balanced, they were childish. So maybe, this is just a life lesson I have to learn - how to fall in love with someone in a healthy sustainable way. And then I can bring that information with me to my next relationship, because I'll have a clearer idea of knowing what healthy balanced love should feel like.

My brother thinks the therapy room can be a place to learn how to love. I think I agree.

[IndestructibleGirl]

On a light-hearted note, I know it must be Big Serious Love because I would even protect her from a spider I am AWFUL with spiders, but I'd leap to save her from it in a heartbeat to protect her from the horror! Not many I can say that about

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl

So I got a lot of answers. I left feeling loved - platonically - so I don't seem to have lost anything.

I'm fine about everything in many ways, and then I get a sharp stab of grief (I think that's what it is?) at my unrequited love and it floors me

It seems really counter-intuitive to keep going back to this person who doesn't love me that way. Anyone else, I'd know what to do - hide their facebook, delete their phone number, avoid sending drunk emails. Avoid avoid avoid and then the sting of the rejection will go away. But in therapy it's we are told we can resolve it through working with the therapist? That sounds crazy. It's like repeatedly climbing back into the frying pan!

How do I work out if I'm nobly pressing on in working with her because there's a chance to do some great work, or if I'm just using that as an excuse to keep seeing her? I literally don't know!

I'm glad you worked things out with your T and had such a good session. I can relate to what you wrote above. I've had this problem ever since I started therapy! I don't know if it's therapy I want and need or if it's the T I want and need. If I'm going just to get my "fix", as some people used to tell me, then therapy is unhelpful. It just makes my attachment to my Ts worse. It does seem weird that I told my T 4 years ago that my goal was not to need therapy anymore.

Of course, having that need IS in issue, and probably the most important reason to be in therapy. So, in your case, the great work would be getting to not need her in the same way you do now, and not feelings such strong feelings. It is sort of a catch-22. I agree. I am finally working on the attachment issue in a way that I think is going to help me be able to quit therapy or at least be able to tolerate not seeing my T very often.

There are also other issues to work on in therapy, so I'm sure it's not ALL about your feelings for your T. My first T used to tell me "it's all one ball of wax"! So whatever gets worked on, other issues, probably relate to your feelings for your T, and your feelings for your T probably relate to your other issues. Your T will keep you on track with it, I'm sure. Mine tells me "it's not about me, it's about you" when I stray off the track!

I'm glad you were able to talk with your therapist and clarify somethings. Some of progress you have made in your healing journey is very similar to mine. For me, as I healed I was afraid of therapy ending, because I was getting better, even though I knew therapy was to last as long as I wanted, in to my 90's if we were both still living. Because I used PC at times as to what's suppose to happen in therapy, I thought the next step was erotic transference. I showed her an article from PC, and asked what if that happens to me, and she said it was her responsibility to hold that boundary- only time she used the word boundary. I was thrilled with her response. A few months down the road, it was painful to tell her I finally reached that erotic point. I thought she was being cruel to make me say it out loud, and also because my upbringing left me somewhat sexually repressed. Well any way, I eventually got it out, and when she said she was not attracted to me in that way, It could never be, and boundaries, etc. I was so relieved, because I could go back to loving her like I did before; parent/child love. She was so loving in the way she turned me down. I then felt free to pursue a relationship with a former boyfriend, but realized at the time I was not quite ready for that. My sweet kid recently said he's okay with me pursuing a homosexual relationship - like he has a say in my love life, but who knows, I have come to believe that sexuality can be fluid.

I look forward to following the rest of your journey, IndestructibleGirl - Progress is happening.

[AllyIsHopeful]

I'm SO glad you finally cleared everything up with her. It sounds like the necessary communication between you two finally took place. I also think it is cool that she double checked on your comfort level with touch now that she is aware of the transference, but is still willing to keep doing it if you are okay with it. That's great! It really keeps the comfort alive. We all have read the stories that ended in termination over this type of transference and that it could go terribly wrong. More T's should be this accepting of it and validating.

It's good to have an explanation of why she is so blunt with you in her word choices and....unique metaphors? she sometimes uses. lol It makes perfect sense that she just feels it is the best communication for you two. Does it feel better now that you understand the reasoning behind certain things she has said? I know you were feeling a lot of conflict earlier this week.

I'm sorry for the painful aspect of the situation though. I would imagine it is a tough feeling. I have only truly experienced maternal transference and wanting T to take care of me and THAT was painful. She is very nurturing but in the end to realize she will never be my mom (or rather, my mom will never be like HER) is very painful. I can't imagine how romantic feelings must feel. It is always an awful feeling to want someone you can't have and even more so once it is confirmed you can't have them.

[Aloneandafraid]

I can relate to all you have written in your post and to the replies you have received. This is the biggest area of T for me too. Is it my T I need more than the Therapy itself? I long for a connection in a maternal way and so wish I had a mother like her. It just seems to dominate everything. I just cant seem to get past it. It really hurts.

Well done for being so brave and honest about your feelings. I know exactly what you mean about the "stab of grief" - I feel this too. How do we get past this? Keep posting, its really good to hear your progress.