[AmysJourney]

Ok, I think I might need some help here. Yesterday something happened that made me incredibly angry. And that is really unusual for me because I know that this is one of my issues, I can get annoyed and I can argue with someone if I have to, but I can't really get angry. At least not for very long and I try to work it out because I am a harmony seeker, I can't stand when I am mad at people or when people are mad at me.
I have worked a lot in my life to be as authentic as possible, find self esteem and I know how to stand up for myself - but the anger issue has always been my downfall.
But well, yesterday I became very angry. What happened was so degrading and judgmental and downright cruel and I couldn't and still can't get over it.
I talked to my T about this last night and she told me it's good to get angry at this and she said I can transform it into something positive. Yeah, I always talk about that too, transforming something bad into something positive but in this case I seem to be unable to do it.
What happened caused me to have almost an hour of therapy over the phone and it still didn't help.
Nothing she said, from trying to find a root for this anger to exploring that perhaps my anger is elevated because I don't have strong defenses at the moment and I might be angry about a lot of things but haven't been able to access it -nothing helped!
She said at the end that the most charismatic people sometimes fall victim to the worst judgment. What the hell does that mean??

I feel quite lost in this anger and most of all I feel really disillusioned. I always believe the best in people even though I know there is so much evil. But I think I may have low boundaries in that respect anyway so I am way too trusting sometimes. Most of the times however I feel I am being rewarded for this trust but there are times when it gets me into bad situations.

Do you have any ideas how I can deal with this anger? And it's weird I feel I have accomplished so much in my life, but I have never learnt how to deal with people who hurt me on a deep emotional level. And here my unhealthy part is very present: I have absolutely no idea how to walk away from someone I thought I loved and who has hurt me deeply. My usual response would be to take on the blame, even though it isn't mine to take, and try everything to fix the relationship. And I know that's wrong, but my abandonment issues are still strong. The few times I have walked away from people who hurt me, I suffered a lot at the loss even though at the end of the day there were a$$holes.
But now I feel only anger and rage and I want it to stop. I just don't know how! It's taking over my thoughts and my energy and I have never felt this kind of anger before so I don't know how to handle it.

I would be very grateful for any insight here! If you have ever been so angry that you thought it wouldn't stop, what did you do?

[catsrhelm]

Try journalling about your anger. For example write about what made you angry and why.

[HazelGirl]

Well, if it was that horrible, the anger is deserved. Why do you want to get rid of it? It's not a bad thing to feel angry. What about just accepting it?

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by HazelGirl

Well, if it was that horrible, the anger is deserved. Why do you want to get rid of it? It's not a bad thing to feel angry. What about just accepting it?

I think that's the problem - I don't know how to. I feel it's driving me crazy! I am sure that anger is the right response to what happened, but the intensity in which it hit me feels very foreign to me

[Petra5ed]

I'm a pro at feeling angry ! I have been angry my whole life. Also, like you, I am far too trusting and a softy emotionally, which I chalk up to being raised by TV shows where I totally lost myself in some kind of fantasy reality "Leave it to Beaver" world.

To deal with my anger I usually rely on the following:

1. shadow boxing - I've watched YouTube videos on how to throw a good punch, and I am constantly practicing my moves by punching the air. best done when no one is watching, because it will make you look a little nuts.
2. road rage - take a nice drive, you have no where to go but you feel in such a big hurry. The first person to cut me off or go too slow gets it. Pull beside their car screaming obscenities, this will get your adrenaline going. Most likely they will react in such a way that either incites you more or makes you feel foolish, either way eventually you will feel foolish and this will calm you down.
3. screaming - scream in a closet, in a pillow, or if you are really going over the edge scream in someone's face, again do this until you feel foolish.
4. get physical - if you can play contact sports, that is ideal. If you cant make sure not to attack anyone as it is illegal. This still won't stop you from getting physical, go for a walk/jog, make it arduous so that the anger is exhausted out of you. Best of all, take a self defense class where you can practice punching a guy in a padded suit, no one will question this.
5. throw things - Nothing says anger like when two people start throwing plates and breaking things in a fit of uncontrolled rage. Best option is to wait for no one to be around, grab a couple dishes you don't like and make sure to break them in a place it won't do damage to other stuff. It's good to combine screaming with dish breaking. Channel your rage into the plate, scream and start smashing stupid dishes. Chances are after a few you will collapse in tears and feel quite foolish. If you like your stuff and don't want to break anything, throw rocks outside.
6. fantasy - fantasize about what karma awaits the one who angered you, as a last resort plot revenge.

(these are just my tools, I am not a therapist)

[LaborIntensive]

We all have to move on. After I saw the pictures from Abu Girab prison in Iraq and the ongoing torture of people by US troops I was very angry but I had to move on and live life. Work your way through it and don't make it personal.

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by Petra5ed

I'm a pro at feeling angry ! I have been angry my whole life. Also, like you, I am far too trusting and a softy emotionally, which I chalk up to being raised by TV shows where I totally lost myself in some kind of fantasy reality "Leave it to Beaver" world.

To deal with my anger I usually rely on the following:

1. shadow boxing - I've watched YouTube videos on how to throw a good punch, and I am constantly practicing my moves by punching the air. best done when no one is watching, because it will make you look a little nuts.
2. road rage - take a nice drive, you have no where to go but you feel in such a big hurry. The first person to cut me off or go too slow gets it. Pull beside their car screaming obscenities, this will get your adrenaline going. Most likely they will react in such a way that either incites you more or makes you feel foolish, either way eventually you will feel foolish and this will calm you down.
3. screaming - scream in a closet, in a pillow, or if you are really going over the edge scream in someone's face, again do this until you feel foolish.
4. get physical - if you can play contact sports, that is ideal. If you cant make sure not to attack anyone as it is illegal. This still won't stop you from getting physical, go for a walk/jog, make it arduous so that the anger is exhausted out of you. Best of all, take a self defense class where you can practice punching a guy in a padded suit, no one will question this.
5. throw things - Nothing says anger like when two people start throwing plates and breaking things in a fit of uncontrolled rage. Best option is to wait for no one to be around, grab a couple dishes you don't like and make sure to break them in a place it won't do damage to other stuff. It's good to combine screaming with dish breaking. Channel your rage into the plate, scream and start smashing stupid dishes. Chances are after a few you will collapse in tears and feel quite foolish. If you like your stuff and don't want to break anything, throw rocks outside.
6. fantasy - fantasize about what karma awaits the one who angered you, as a last resort plot revenge.

(these are just my tools, I am not a therapist)

Haha, these suggestions are GREAT. I will sure try a couple of those - no one is around so smashing a few plates won't bother anyone
I think I really might need an outlet like one of these physical ones because I feel my body is so tense from the anger and as I said it just feels completely foreign to me.
Feeling like this scares me, so thanks I will try your suggestions.

[HazelGirl]

If you feel physical with your anger, punch a pillow and pretend it's the face of the person you're angry at.

[Solepa]

Can I punch the pillow with the persons face too please?? I would really like to do that!

I agree with others. Sometimes our anger is deserved and it is best to not judge it and accept it can stay with us as it is.

I'm mainly glad you are not turning it towards yourself anymore and that you are able to feel it towards the deserving person. Be proud of that !

((Hugs))

[AmysJourney]

I punched some pillows and screamed into my mattress. It has helped me a little with the tenseness in my body. Thank you for that suggestion.
Now I feel I am just left with a quiet anger and I might be able to handle that.
Oh I just don't get people sometimes!
It seems because I am not a broken mess on the outside and because I am nice to people and have empathy, it invites a judgment that is just too painful. When somebody questions that my past was "really that bad" because I seem "too emotionally healthy" wow, that hits me like a truck! All the work put into becoming who I am now, all the lessons I had to learn - that is part of my story too. And a judgment like that can destroy all the confidence I had to painfully acquire in a second.
I now know why I am so angry...

And now, like Solepa and Hazelgirl said, this quiet anger I can definitely let stay.

Thank you!
Amelia

[HazelGirl]

I am so sorry! I would be FURIOUS!!!!

[BlessedRhiannon]

I see that you've found some ways to express your anger, so maybe my post is a bit redundant, but I figured I'd share anyway.

Sometimes, there is no way to turn the anger in to a positive. You're feeling anger, it's for a reason, and sometimes, it just needs to be expressed. I'm really not comfortable with accepting or expressing anger - it's been a forbidden emotion for me most of my life, so this is just something I'm slowly learning. Sometimes, we can't accept an emotion or work through it or rationally/logically deal with it until we've just expressed it in it's raw form.

One of the things I like to do is to take a cup of ice outside and hurl ice cubes at the side of my house (brick walls). At first, it's usually just raw anger, but after a bit, I can usually name each bit of anger that the ice cube represents as I throw it. And, as the physical expression of my anger lessens, I usually let the dogs outside (don't want to accidentally hit them with the ice cubes when I'm throwing them) and the dogs will gobble up all the ice pieces and I can laugh and imagine them eating up my anger for me or eating up the cause of my anger.

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by BlessedRhiannon

I see that you've found some ways to express your anger, so maybe my post is a bit redundant, but I figured I'd share anyway.

Sometimes, there is no way to turn the anger in to a positive. You're feeling anger, it's for a reason, and sometimes, it just needs to be expressed. I'm really not comfortable with accepting or expressing anger - it's been a forbidden emotion for me most of my life, so this is just something I'm slowly learning. Sometimes, we can't accept an emotion or work through it or rationally/logically deal with it until we've just expressed it in it's raw form.

One of the things I like to do is to take a cup of ice outside and hurl ice cubes at the side of my house (brick walls). At first, it's usually just raw anger, but after a bit, I can usually name each bit of anger that the ice cube represents as I throw it. And, as the physical expression of my anger lessens, I usually let the dogs outside (don't want to accidentally hit them with the ice cubes when I'm throwing them) and the dogs will gobble up all the ice pieces and I can laugh and imagine them eating up my anger for me or eating up the cause of my anger.

Thank you, I like the ice cube idea! Especially knowing that they will eventually melt and that what I am angry about it melting away too.
Yes, anger was a forbidden emotion for me too, I never learnt how to be angry or how to deal with anger - my own or from others. It feels like I have to turn it into something positive immediately and when I can't do that, I get frustrated and scared and very uneasy.
Perhaps I do have a lot of repressed anger and it just manifested itself into this huge rage today.

Thanks for your input -it helps me a lot.

Amelia

[Solepa]

And now I can see something positive in this whole situation. You have some stored anger in yourself and this helped to release some of it with the actual reaction while you have some support.

So maybe the hater actually also helped you in a sense?

I also love the ice cube idea !! Thank you BlessedRhiannon

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by Solepa

And now I can see something positive in this whole situation. You have some stored anger in yourself and this helped to release some of it with the actual reaction while you have some support.

So maybe the hater actually also helped you in a sense?

I also love the ice cube idea !! Thank you BlessedRhiannon

What an intriguing thought! Yes, I guess you are right - perhaps I needed this anger to release some of the repressed anger I had inside me all along! So perhaps I should thank the hater

Thanks, this was helpful.

[Asiablue]

Love your last post. Good for you! I have trouble expressing anger too or allowing myself to have it. So you did really well there to get it out and then quietly accept the leftover bit and your right to feel that way!

Originally Posted by AmysJourney

I punched some pillows and screamed into my mattress. It has helped me a little with the tenseness in my body. Thank you for that suggestion.
Now I feel I am just left with a quiet anger and I might be able to handle that.
Oh I just don't get people sometimes!
It seems because I am not a broken mess on the outside and because I am nice to people and have empathy, it invites a judgment that is just too painful. When somebody questions that my past was "really that bad" because I seem "too emotionally healthy" wow, that hits me like a truck! All the work put into becoming who I am now, all the lessons I had to learn - that is part of my story too. And a judgment like that can destroy all the confidence I had to painfully acquire in a second.
I now know why I am so angry...

And now, like Solepa and Hazelgirl said, this quiet anger I can definitely let stay.

Thank you!
Amelia

I am so sorry that happened, Amelia. I had something similar happen when I invited my favorite law professor to a graduation lunch that my parents gave for me. I said something afterward about how well it had gone despite my fears. He asked what I meant and I took what was for me a huge risk and told him that my parents had been incredibly abusive to me growing up. He said that he found that really hard to believe because I was so stable and emotionally healthy and he had met them and it seemed clear to him that they really loved me and were really proud of me. He said it couldn't have been that bad or really abusive. I told him he could believe me or not and I walked away. We had been fairly close before that -- he had invited me to dinner at his house with his wife and kids a couple of times, my H and I had Passover with their family, etc. I barely spoke to him again after that incident. Even now, I feel a little sick to my stomach knowing that he did not believe me.

[healingme4me]

Originally Posted by AmysJourney

I punched some pillows and screamed into my mattress. It has helped me a little with the tenseness in my body. Thank you for that suggestion.
Now I feel I am just left with a quiet anger and I might be able to handle that.
Oh I just don't get people sometimes!
It seems because I am not a broken mess on the outside and because I am nice to people and have empathy, it invites a judgment that is just too painful. When somebody questions that my past was "really that bad" because I seem "too emotionally healthy" wow, that hits me like a truck! All the work put into becoming who I am now, all the lessons I had to learn - that is part of my story too. And a judgment like that can destroy all the confidence I had to painfully acquire in a second.
I now know why I am so angry...

And now, like Solepa and Hazelgirl said, this quiet anger I can definitely let stay.

Thank you!
Amelia

Why not introduce cynicism? Why is judgment, your burden?

I embrace, anger when it flows into my veins. I have various sporting equipment available. Soccer balls, to kick. Volleyballs to spike. Yoga mat, to place myself into centering poses, be a tree, cobra, or upward bow. Quiet anger...i write. And pull together things that proactively shape my life.

Ever read, Facing the Fire?(John Lee).

Is it judgment, still? Or accusations of overreacting? Did you express to them, when you say this, I feel this.....add boundary. Follow through(like a bball shot).

Oh, about driving cars, angry...road rage is dangerous. I prefer loud music, pick a good stretch, controlled acceleration...

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by healingme4me

Is it judgment, still? Or accusations of overreacting? Did you express to them, when you say this, I feel this.....add boundary. Follow through(like a bball shot).
...

Sent from my LG-MS910 using Tapatalk 2

Oh yes, it was judgment! And it was invalidating a horrible experience and belittling a lifetime of work I have put into getting to where I am.
The anger was/is not about the judgment. I can live with people being judgmental.
It is about making a hurtful illogical statement that my past can't have been that bad or I would not be as positive as I am. It's about doubt of my authenticity. It's about trying to put a label on me that is hurtful and wrong.
Anyone who doubts my past without knowing me, without having lived my life and experienced my pain, without having seen my physical scars - and expresses that to me, will not be able to expect a reasonable conversation about how it makes me feel.
And there will be no more conversation afterwards. I am a really tolerant and loving person but this is the one thing that I can never excuse.
Living for over a decade with daily fear, people not seeing or hearing me, doubting my pain - when it happens now, that is my Achilles heel!
I think it's because this doubt is why so many victims of abuse never come forward, because they are afraid nobody will believe them. That always was something I felt VERY strongly about.
I don't know why it caused this overwhelming as anger today but in a way I am glad it did. It feels like the anger gave me back a voice I haven't used in a very long time.

Sent from LifeTab with Tapatalk

[AmysJourney]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

I am so sorry that happened, Amelia. I had something similar happen when I invited my favorite law professor to a graduation lunch that my parents gave for me. I said something afterward about how well it had gone despite my fears. He asked what I meant and I took what was for me a huge risk and told him that my parents had been incredibly abusive to me growing up. He said that he found that really hard to believe because I was so stable and emotionally healthy and he had met them and it seemed clear to him that they really loved me and were really proud of me. He said it couldn't have been that bad or really abusive. I told him he could believe me or not and I walked away. We had been fairly close before that -- he had invited me to dinner at his house with his wife and kids a couple of times, my H and I had Passover with their family, etc. I barely spoke to him again after that incident. Even now, I feel a little sick to my stomach knowing that he did not believe me.

I am sorry that happened, because I know how much it can hurt. Doubt about abuse is something very hard to overcome, for me almost impossible. It feels like someone stole something from me.
And I can emphasize with the sick feeling - I feel sick to my stomach ever since that comment was made to me yesterday.

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Originally Posted by AmysJourney

It is about making a hurtful illogical statement that my past can't have been that bad or I would not be as positive as I am. It's about doubt of my authenticity. It's about trying to put a label on me that is hurtful and wrong.

Invalidating your life experience and labelling you with the feelings the other person thinks you ought to have... gah. No wonder you were furious. I'm glad you can feel that something positive comes out of the anger, but I hate that you had this experience.

This probably won't help at all, but you might think of it in these terms: the person clearly doesn't know you at all. So what they think is a figment of their imagination. Transference, really. Nothing to do with you, and so they and their opinions don't matter. I know that's easy for me to say, and I've been at the receiving end of other people ascribing feelings to me so many times that I know it's not easy to shrug off.

[blur]

amelia, i'm so sorry that happened. i think because it can be a lie one's abuser uses to deny their abuse it can really set us off and bring up past anger & resentment. i have a parent who refuses to acknowledge that anything was wrong in our family and trust me it wasn't 1/5 of what you've experienced. it's still abuse though. so, i know it totally pushes my buttons when people just refuse to see wrongdoing and call it for what it is. with the person you are dealing with they are just not understanding how you could possibly be so positive and have experienced so much healing so are trying to rationalize it somehow to make sense for themself. they are probably coming from a perspective where things like that just don't happen so they are trying to make sense of something that doesn't make sense to them. your anger is totally legitimate but i know how frustrating it is when you are like "okay, i'd like to stop feeling angry now" and it's still there. one thing that has amazingly worked for me is to just turn it over (to God) and keep turning it over each time it comes up. sometimes that is through writing angry letters that i don't send and sometimes just making the mental decision to turn it over. after awhile it is then gone. i couldn't believe it the first time it happened. after all they know not what they say...

we completely understand-we have been called complete liars attention seekers psychopaths you name it we have probably been called it-because of our past and to a lesser extent our current life. none of it ever happened we made it all up it was all put in your head-yeah we totally get you!!! but we KNOW its true we KNOW it all happened and so do you know what happened in your life. you are entitled to you anger-all of it no matter what.