Attachment Test 2 - Multiple Relationships

Hi Hazel,

I'm pretty sure that I have an attachment disorder, but a very secure bond with my SO. I think what makes the bond work so well is that we try really hard to communicate about everything with each other, and we try to understand each other. I've also been though some of the most challenging experiences of my life with my SO, and he stayed for all of it. That made me feel really safe. At the end of the day I just trust him to be there no matter what. I think what makes it that way, are both my attempts and his attempts to communicate and resolve issues in ways that honor both our needs. In this relationship I think a secure attachment is all about learning to work as a team, and appreciating your partners attempts to communicate and understand.

We also did a few months of free couple therapy when we were in school, to help us work together on some of the major emotional challenges we were each facing at the time. I think doing that really helped us. You don't have to wait to go to couples therapy until your relationship is coming apart at the seams, you can go just to learn to support one or both of you when a challenging issue comes up.

You know I think that there is one kind of attachment that is better than the others. I don't think this is like personality types were there is just a wide array of kinds. I know that for me my non-secure attachments happened for good reasons. Like I have a fearful attachment with my mother because she abandon me, so I can't trust her as all now. And I think that my attachment with my dad is dismissive because he is emotionally unavailable, and was largely non-supportive after my SA. Having these bad attachments happens makes me worried about other attachments, and fearful of getting hurt in similar ways by other people, so my global attachment style is preoccupied, because I'm constantly worried that other people wont be there for me, or they don't truly want me. None of this is good. But I also don't think that its a judgement on me. You might have the attachment style you have because of something that happened to you. This doesn't make you a good or bad person, its more just like information about your past, and a behavior that you developed because of your past. You might try thinking about why you answered the questions on the test the way you did. Was there something in your past that made you unable to trust others? Did something happen when you tried to share something important with a friend or a parent?

Attachment is dynamic; it's not separate from the rest of a person. Attachment usually influences development. At least in my case, this is true.

Attachment Studies with Borderline Patients: A Review

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_d...&id=41562&cn=8

I certainly respect that. I'm not saying that you are wrong, just that my reality is not identical to yours.

I did not read the "confiding in others" questions as having to do with trust, necessarily. Certainly a lack of trust is one reason why people don't open up to others. But the questions were phrased in terms of "I usually discuss my concerns with this person" or "it helps to turn to this person in times of need", and there are all kinds of reasons why one doesn't turn to one's parents or one's partner in times of need, or why one doesn't want to discuss concerns with them.

My communication style with my H and my friends is one of the recurring topics in therapy for me, so I have spent many hours asking myself these questions. I know that my attachment styles are partly due to my personal history, but that still doesn't mean that there is necessarily anything wrong with them.

But I definitely don't claim that my subjective truth is valid for anybody else.

I scored as fearful overall, dismissing with mother figure, fearful with father figure, but secure with best friend and SO.

The thing I think is key to me having secure attachments with my best friend and my H is that they themselves have secure attachment styles. That, and time - I think it took a few years in each relationship for me to develop security with each person.

I have noticed with other friends that how I relate to them can depend on their style. The fearful style (my overall style) is high anxiety and high avoidance, so I seem to use both types of strategies, but in different contexts. So I have a friend who I would guess has a preoccupied style, and with her I find myself feeling a need for space and pulling away (not consciously). Which I think must make her feel more anxious. Whereas with other people who are more dismissing I can feel quite anxious - though after a certain point I give up and back off too.

Reading some of the stuff about 'earned secure' attachment online, it reads like it's supposed to be transferable between relationships, and I don't think that's been my experience (so far). Like, you're supposed to gradually develop a secure attachment with your therapist, and then be able to transfer that to real-life situations and live happily ever after. Or similar in a romantic relationship. Maybe it's different in therapy because you can (in theory) examine and talk about the relationship as it's happening, and then consciously change strategies. I am becoming more aware of my habitual reactions with different friends and am consciously trying to behave in a way that's more secure, so maybe that's the start of it.